"Normal"

It took me a good hour to get out of bed this morning. I kept giving myself five more minutes, thinking then I might have the energy to roll out of bed. When I finally managed to rouse myself from my comfy warm bed, I stumbled on in to the bathroom. I didn't even need my contacts or glasses to see what I was in the mirror- normal. My body didn't have those defining features of someone who is malnourished. I simply looked normal. Even after putting my glasses on and actually being able to see myself in the mirror, I was convinced I looked completely normal.

Looking normal terrifies me. I hate it. 

I can't help but wonder why though. Is it some shallow thought of mine, that I can barely stand the hint of normalcy in my body? Why does it disgust me so much? This feeling and belief doesn't extend beyond me, I only apply it to myself. Other people look lovely at a normal weight. But why not me? The sad part is I'm not even a normal weight, yet I've convinced myself I look like it- twenty pounds of imaginary flesh and fat.

I don't have an answer, though I wish I knew it. All I know is this feeling leaves me feeling sad, depressed, disgusting, and shallow.

Love/Hate Relationship With Food

The thing about food, is you can never get away from it. You'll need it eventually, you'll WANT it even. Despite how much I hate food and the struggle it creates within me, I can never completely divorce myself from it.

Is it bad I hate how much I love food? I mean, what did food ever do to me?

Is it really food that I hate? Or is it the way my eating disorder distorts my perception of food?

I'm obviously in quite the mood to ponder.

I wonder when I'll finally be free of this strange conflict always raging in my head. When food will just be food- nourishment, fuel, something to savor and enjoy.

Grocery Stores

It wasn't until I was putting the groceries in my car that I realized...everything I bought was so eating disordered. The only thing missing is some magazines, laxatives, and a 12-pack of diet coke.

Challenge for myself: buy something NOT binge food, NOT safe food- something just challenging enough for me.

Renewed Resolve

Last night my mom randomly asked me to put some time aside this weekend to talk about my eating disorder-where I'm at, how I'm feeling about it, how my parents feel, make some boundaries etc. I sort of had a panic attack. WHY WOULD SHE TELL ME THIS?! Now I had to wait in anticipation and anxiety, wondering how exactly this conversation would play out. My anxiety was so high, I finally got my parents to just talk about it right then and there.

I was honest- I'm up and down in recovery. I voiced the thought that's been lurking in the back of my mind for the past couple days: I feel like giving up on recovery. I'm so tired of fighting.

I couldn't help crying when I told my dad how hurt I was when he said my PB & J sandwich wasn't nutritious enough for dinner (see previous post). He understood and apologized. I'm glad I brought it up.

Overall it was a good conversation. Now my parents know where I'm at in recovery and I guess we're going to be "communicating" more often.

AND NOW FOR THE BIG NEWS! My family is planning to go to San Diego in June! My dad is speaking at a conference, for real this time.

Okay, so last May my family was supposed to go to California because my dad was speaking at a conference and we were going to hit up Disneyland and SeaWorld while we were down there. For weeks, I tried to convince my family and team that I was well enough to go to Disneyland and I thought I had them convinced, but then my health took a turn for the worst. The day I was supposed to go to Disneyland with my family, I went to Remuda Ranch for inpatient treatment instead. My dad had to cancel his speaking engagement and the entire trip because of me. I felt incredibly guilty, you have NO IDEA.

This is my chance to redeem myself- to be healthy enough this time around to actually go to Disneyland with my family. I don't think my parents realized it, but this vacation has given me a renewed resolve to beat my eating disorder. I WANT to be well enough to go, and the way I've been living- I would have been in the hospital instead of Disneyland AGAIN.

I will fight you Ed, and you will lose.

Kicking Ed's ass, one supplement at a time!

Pondering the Concept of Romance

I FINALLY saw my therapist after not seeing her for five weeks. I was dreading it because I knew there was a lot to talk about and I didn't really want to think about all that's happened in the last month. But it went better than I thought it would and I think I actually feel better now.

There's something that happened a long time ago that shaped the way I feel about men. Because of someone crossing boundaries with me over a period of time, the thought of being close to a man scares the heck out of me. I can't really explain it but when I was a teenager, I became anti-guy. I said I would never marry and so far, I've pretty much stuck to that belief. I don't want to date. When a guy is interested in me, I shut him down pretty fast. 

I love the independence that comes with remaining single, but part of me loathes the loneliness inevitable when shutting out romantic interests. I'm both envious and disgusted with couples who are in love. I want it, but I don't. Mostly I don't.

I'll sound like a teenage girl saying this but, I honestly wonder why people would want to have sex. I know when I get below a certain weight, I am more anti-guy and run away from romance like it's the plague then when I'm at my ideal weight. I'm more than below that number.

That's another thing, when I'm underweight, nothing in me wants men to find me attractive. I think it's why I find the malnourished and emaciated body so desirable. Then men WON'T approach me and make me feel uncomfortable. 

I don't want to be attractive sexually.

Anyways, I'm just wading my way through these thoughts. It came up in therapy today and again when a friend told me she was going on a date Friday night. I know this sounds weird, but I feel like I lost her. Now she's just like the rest and yet again, I'm alone.

The Ghost of Me

Andi and I had fun last night. We didn't even watch a movie or anything, all we did was talk till the wee hours of the morning. We talked about everything, but especially eating disorder related topics. I forget Andi hasn't had the opportunity to be a part of an ED group therapy setting, or around other girls with eating disorders who are positive and encouraging each other in their recovery. I can see how much it helps her to know she's not alone and to have someone who understands because they've been there. It's comforting for me too, to have someone who I've loved for years understand this part of me on a deeper level.

She told me about what it was like to see me right before I left for treatment. To be honest, I don't remember much of last March and April. There's a patchwork of memories from that time, but it's mostly things I've pieced together from what others told me. It's weird to not remember a part of your life, like you have amnesia or something. Anyways, she told me she cried after she saw me. I wasn't very coherent, lost track of what I was saying all the time, I was shaking the whole time. I guess Andi asked if I had anything to eat yet and I didn't really have a good reply. I agreed I probably needed something (which tells me even I knew something was very wrong), but I couldn't eat anything at the coffeeshop so I had her take me home. I think I did that because eating out wasn't safe. Eating at all wasn't safe- but if I had to eat, I was going to do it at home in a controlled environment where I could measure out exactly what I was having and no one was watching me.

From what friends have imparted to me concerning that time, I had to bail out many times because of my health- the shaking, passing out, chest pains. I wasn't "alive," but simply "existing." 

I'm sad and scared, because I'm not too far away from being there all over again. Unless I get my weight up and decrease behaviors, I'm going to be living deja vu and lose another few months of memory. Can I do this outpatient though? Or am I already too far gone to do it on my own?

PIZZA

I had an AMAZING weekend after Friday evening's fiasco. I really wanted to continue being behavior free into this new week. Alas, I was angry at a friend for making poor choices and then made my own poor choice by using bingeing/purging to express my anger. I completely regret doing it, especially at work, and especially because I started passing out while talking to a patient on the phone. NEW RULE: KEEP WORK BEHAVIOR-FREE.

Today was one of the surgeon's birthdays and bought chicago-style pizza for everyone. Yes, the doctors here buy pizza for us all the time. Since I was so rude to my body, I decided I'd punish my eating disorder (haha, that's right) by eating pizza for lunch *Ed screams in shock and fear*

Over a two-hour period of time, I ended up eating 3 1/2 pieces of this BBQ chicken pizza. THREE AND A HALF PIECES! O_o How the heck do I handle the fact that I over-ate and NOT have behaviors? I feel like I need to punish myself for eating so much.

Furthermore, my body is most definitely not used to this amount of food (staying in my body). Digesting is painful and now I regret eating so much. But you know what? I enjoyed it. I didn't need the last piece, but still, I ate, enjoyed the food, and kept it.

HOORAY!!

I'm going to Andi's house tonight and we're going to drink wine and chill. It'll be nice :) And I already explained to her the pizza situation and that I'm most likely not going to be eating too much for dinner tonight. It's good I can be real with her and not have to be anxious about being pressed to eat a large dinner.

Love you all. You're a great support and you guys makes me smile :)

Reflecting

After Friday's craziness, I had a pretty laid-back Saturday. I didn't really have any energy to do anything anyway and probably would have stayed snuggled up in my bed all day if I didn't get so bored just laying there. I pushed myself to clean my room up a bit, which turned into OCD cleaning my bedroom, and then the bathroom. I scrubbed the toilet literally three times until I was satisfied with it. Scrubbed the tub, the floors, the counters, sink, mirrors. Did several loads of laundry and cleaned up the kitchen. It's like once I start cleaning, I can't stop! I felt productive though, which is always a nice feeling :)

My brother has been waiting for me to play Skyrim, a new game I got for him and I on the PS3. I played for about an hour, letting him boss me around and tell me what I should/shouldn't do and what buttons to push. I wish I still enjoyed video games, but I felt kind of bored. I used to play for hours on end, just like how I used to read all day. I'm sad I'm not like that anymore.

I'm happy I've had more of a LIFE lately. I'm usually hanging out with Rissa, Andi, or Bonnie these days. It's nice to hang out with friends again, instead of isolating. It lessens the depression and makes me feel more normal.

I've been missing Tyler a lot. He knew all of my crap- he knew how deeply I was hurt by someone repeatedly throughout my teenage years, he knew about my anorexia, he wasn't disgusted by my bulimia, he understood how much depression sucks because he had been there himself. He was proud of me, despite all the mistakes and years of eating disordered behavior. I was proud of him too. He was far from perfect, but he had a beautiful heart and would talk to me for hours about his friends- the girl in his class who was pregnant, the guy doing drugs, his friend's who were addicted to porn, his own issues with porn, a friend of his who had an eating disorder. He definitely had opinions and had a strong sense of right and wrong, but he loved them, worried about them, and wanted to help them in any way he could. 

I love my brothers. Both of them. I'm so blessed to have so many amazing people in my life. I most definitely don't deserve it. I've never pretended to deserve it. I'm the first one to admit my mistakes and failures. But that's what life is about, right? Learning from your mistakes, and most importantly, loving. It's easy to love those who love you back, but it's my life goal to learn to love the unloveable. And I only think that kind of love comes from God. 

I'm just chillin in Starbucks, contemplating all of this. I've been in a thoughtful mood today. Feeling humbled, blessed, loved, and secure in who I am. 

Hold onto the truth, lovelies. 

Meds You Should Be Taking

My previous post had me thinking about meds people recovering from an eating disorder should be taking, if it's applicable to their specific situation. Our bodies have been denied the nourishment they need to properly function, so they rely on what they've stored for "just-in-case-I'm-not-given-the-nutrition-I-need." However, when you've been abusing your body for so long, it runs out of all extra stuff stored away, and begins devouring itself for what it needs to simply function.

Taking meds is an important part of recovery because it's replenishing your body with what it needs. Even after being on medication for a few months, it takes a couple years to fully "restock" your body. 

Basic Meds You Should Be Taking Anyway

- Multi-vitamin: Women's one-a-day is great, or I got a prescription pre-natal vitamin because they're stronger than store-bought ones. If you're like me and don't like swallowing pills the size of golf balls, chewable vitamins are a good option. Just make sure if you're taking a multi-vitamin in pill form, you don't take it on an empty stomach. You may get so nauseous, you vomit uncontrollably out of your mouth AND nose (yes, this happened to me).

- Calcium: Same as the multi-vitamin. Your bones suffer so much from the malnourishment and those with anorexia are more likely to have osteoporosis. Taking calcium is important for everyone, especially women, and ESPECIALLY those with eating disorders.

For Those Who Purge

- Prilosec (omneprazole): This medication helps to repair the damage you've done to your esophagus and stomach from purging, which is violent and really damages your body.

- Sulcrafate: OK, so if you've done some major damage to your body from purging, you have stomach/chest pain, and are purging blood often, ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT THIS MED. It's a pain to take because they look like horse pills, you're supposed to take them four times a day, 1 hr before meals or 2 hrs after meals. But it's powerful. How it works is it binds itself to the raw areas of your esophagus and stomach.

- Prescription Fluoride Toothpaste: After giving me four fillings and mentioning I'll need gum surgery, my dentist also prescribed me fluoride toothpaste, which is stronger than store-bought. Brushing your teeth with this helps to bring down high-acidity levels in your mouth, which are what destroys your teeth in a major way. 

Depression/Anxiety/Insomnia Meds

- ProZac: This specific med may/may not be the right one for you. But if you have depression, high highs and low lows, this helps to kind of even everything out and make those feelings a tad less extreme. Working with a psychiatrist/PP to find the right dosage is really important.

- Xanax, Atarax, Atavin, Visterol, etc: If you experience panic attacks, you know how scary and real they can be. Finding an anxiety med that's right for you and your body can help calm you down and bring you back to a safe place. I've tried so many anxiety meds and the only one that seemed to work for me was Xanax. Warning though- most anxiety meds cause drowsiness, some more than others. I found out the hard way and missed an entire day of my life because I was so knocked out.

- Seroquel: MY LIFESAVER. It's known to work really well paired with ProZac. It helps your mind shut off at night, especially helps if you have racing thoughts that keep you from sleeping. I take this almost every night. It does make me a bit drowsy in the morning if I take it too late though.

- Ambien: Helps insomnia, but can be addictive. I only have it when I REALLY need some sleep and need to be knocked out FAST. Warning: Do not try to stay awake after taking ambien. You will illucinate,  collapse in the shower, or make a fool of yourself but remember nothing in the morning. From experience? You bet. 

Others

-Miralax: Helps when you begin recovery and your body isn't used to actually digesting food. Even on miralax, I didn't go to the bathroom for two weeks in treatment (think 3500 cal/day x 14 days=a lot of poop stuck in my body). Tasted horrible to me so I had it with gatorade in treatment (hated the taste so much I was willing to have extra calories!), and now I mix it in my coffee (smart? maybe not). It's not meant for long term use, but my treatment team still wants me on it for some reason.

-B Complex vitamins: For nerve damage. I actually did damage my nerves somehow from starvation.

-Potassium/magnesium: Your doctor would prescribe depending on lab results.

My Meds

I've been pretty inconsistent with my medications, which might be why I'm either extremely high or extremely low. I decided it might help to actually organize my pills and found two pill cases I bought a long time ago but never used. I think what really discourages me from taking my meds is how freaking many there are to take. My calcium and pre-natal vitamins are so huge, I sometimes "forget" to take them. SO I bought the chewable calcium (caltrate-vanilla flavored!) and pre-natal vitamin gummies  (fruity delicious). I remember inpatient I refused to have the chewables, because of the extra calories, but now I don't worry about it as much. *step in recovery!*

The two pill cases are all my "morning meds." I need two more pill cases for my "throughout-the-day meds" and "nighttime meds." 

I feel like an old person sometimes, especially using pill cases :/

Nose Bleeds

My last blog kind of ended with me in an incredibly bad mood. I thought the night couldn't get worse. Oh, but it can.

My night was filled with behaviors aka lots of purging. I decided to take a bath and while I was in my bath, my nose started gushing blood. I was freaked out, and that's putting it mildly. There was blood everywhere and I actually still need to clean the bathroom up, now I think about it. I've never seen that much blood and it scared me. I was shaking so badly too, I could barely make it to my room. 

I called my dietician (at 11pm at night- I was desperate) and she wanted me to go to the emergency room. There's no way I wanted my dad to know though. I'm ashamed that I'm obviously struggling with my eating disorder, and I can't bear to see the disappointment mixed with fear in his eyes. Viv finally talked me into calling the nurse on call hotline for group health. The nurse calmed me down a bit- told me what to do for my nosebleed which I WAS NOT doing. I honestly had no idea what to do with a nosebleed and pretty much was doing the exact opposite of what she was saying.

NOTE TO EVERYONE AND MYSELF: When having a major nosebleed, sit up straight, tilt your head forward, and pinch the fleshy part of your nose. Take a cold pack wrapped in a rag, and apply kind of on/beneath the nose and cheeks. THE KEY: SIT STILL and DO NOT check your nose to see if it's still bleeding every five seconds. DO NOT MOVE. Stay like this for ten minutes, check, if still bleeding, repeat. If it's STILL bleeding, ya, you're in trouble. Go to the ER.

I honestly have the hardest time not moving. I think I made it a few minutes at a time without moving, which was an improvement from before I was given instructions.

My nose finally stopped bleeding, two hours after it had started. I drank two huge things of gatorade, ate a banana and cottage cheese too. I feel much better now, but this little scare was a wake-up call. I can't keep doing this. It's kind of getting out of control. I talked to Viv again after the bleeding stopped, and she said she's thinking I need some intensive treatment asap. Great. 

It's days like this I feel hopeless and like it'll never get better. I need it to get better though. Because living like this isn't living at all- it's existing.

Pissed Off

I love my dad, but sometimes he says stupid things. I came home from a long day at work, and he asked me if I had dinner. I said I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which is true. Then he made this face >>> :/ and said, "That's not very nutritional." 

o_O SERIOUSLY? 

I had my 2-3 grains, protein, and fat. I was eating carrots as we were talking as my veg and I was planning on having fruit later. That completely fulfills my meal plan from Remuda. 

His reply, "I guess so." 

Having a PB & J sandwich and KEEPING it was such a success for me. I felt guilty enough for having it when I could have had something "healthier." That comment just increased the guilt. Shouldn't my parents be happy I HAD calories, and enough to meet my meal plan? I understand my parents are on a diet and they have certain things they can/cannot eat, but I'm NOT on their diet. 

So now I'm just in a really bad mood. I didn't handle it well. Even though my treatment team would be incredibly proud of me and would tell me it's OKAY to have PB & J, I just can't believe it when the voice in my head AND my parents are saying the same thing.

@therapist

I sent this email to Monique, my therapist, just now...thought'd I'd share it with you lovely peeps.

Ok Monique, I just had this realization that's sent me into a panic. I realized I'm not doing good. I mean, you'd think I would have figured that out by now, but it just hit me. I think my biggest head block keeping me from realizing how crappy I'm really doing, is that my weight isn't that low. It's not near my lowest, therefore I'm okay. I'm not sick. I'm just fine. 

Once I got around that head block, it hit me- I purge every day, almost always multiple times, with the rare exception of a purge free day that comes around once (if I'm lucky twice) a month. I realized- that's not normal!!! That's not HEALTHY! It's eating disordered. I'm very much in my eating disorder and it's scaring me. What is it going to take to get me better? How can I possibly stop on my own? I can seriously not see myself doing this on my own. I want to try of course, but I don't think I can do it on my own. I have a job I LOVE and I want to keep, I have no money for treatment anyway, barely enough for outpatient treatment. What am I going to do?

My automatic response is, well, buckle down and just do it. But am I setting myself up for failure? Can I really do it on my own or am I just fooling myself?

To be honest, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about anything. It's so hard to think and talk about all of this. I'd rather pretend everything is fine. But I've cast a spell that's fading and all that's left is a mess called me. Or maybe poetically I could stretch the truth and say I more resemble an abstract painting done by a master of the arts picasso. Either way, I'm not put together quite right. 

Now I'm just rambling. Don't be alarmed. Just know, that I know, I'm not doing so hot at the moment.

Dani

Self Hatred

Everything was going so well today. Work was awesome- really chill and easy-going. A snow storm hit my city this morning, making it look like those snow globes when you really shake them up. I'm not too fond of snow, particularly because I absolutely hate driving in snowy, icy conditions. My anxiety was through the roof when it was time for me to drive home all the way across town. So I did what any highly anxious person with drugs would do and took a pretty high dosage of Xanax. 

That's when the trouble began. On my way home, I decided for some reason I wanted to binge and purge. Keep in mind, I haven't done this since I got home from treatment. At least not on purpose and going to the store specifically for binge food. I got a pint of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked ice cream, two donuts, and two candy bars. 

I don't know WHY I did it, but it set me up for a pretty horrid night. It wasn't so bad in the binge/purge sense, because I only purged three times, which is actually far from my worst-case scenarios. It was the feelings of self hatred for doing such a shameful thing. 

I feel a bit out of control tonight and really tempted to self-harm. I'm just disgusted with my body and lack of self-control. Something in me wants to just scream. I kind of WANT my parents or someone to get on me for something just so I can freak out and have a reason to scream. 

Am I the only one who has nights like this? I'm just so angry, tired, frustrated, ashamed...I feel reckless and indifferent. 

On a GOOD note, I'm doing what I really don't want to do and treating myself with kindness, even though I don't feel like I deserve it. I'm having G2 gatorade and toast with peanut butter and honey, since I haven't really kept much down. 

I wish I didn't ruin today with my bad behavior. I'm ready for a new day.

Feeling Too Much Too Fast

I've been sitting here for a good five minutes trying to figure out what to blog about. There's been events the past few days that have been emotionally tolling, but because this information might hurt people I love if the wrong person puts together the pieces and figures out who I'm talking about, I can't go into detail. 

What I can say though, is this situation has forced me to face confusing, conflicting emotions I've tried ignoring for years. Yesterday, the ball began rolling and in a couple weeks, I'll be face to face with a person who has deeply affected me, for the sole purpose of talking about those feelings and what occurred so long ago. I cried and cried last night after simply have a conversation over text with this person and I hated myself for it. I hate I feel hurt. I hate someone has the ability to affect me so deeply. 

No tears today though. I have Tuesdays off so I met with Andi for coffee in the morning. She was the first person I ever confided in about this specific situation, so it was nice to talk to someone who has been there from the beginning.

I saw my dietician in the afternoon. She decided to weigh me, especially after I told her what an emotional roller coaster of a week it's been. YES, she weighs me backwards, but I somehow manage to get a glimpse of the number before she zeroes it out again. I was down a substantial amount from two weeks ago which I knew already. I know I need to get it together because I'm really dancing on the edge here. I can't afford the consequences of one misstep. 

Perceptions

Today's been an odd day :/

You know when you FEEL thin, think you LOOK thin, but then you get on the scale and somehow you've gained a bit of weight? And since the number on the scale didn't align with how you felt and saw yourself, you obviously are WRONG because the almighty scale is always RIGHT. So then you don't feel thin, or think you look thin, anymore. That's how my day began.

I went to church and had an immensely difficult time sitting still. I couldn't stop moving and I couldn't focus. This need for nonstop motion has only intensified the past few weeks and it drives my family and friends crazy because I can't just sit down and watch a movie. When I am sitting down, my foot is always rapidly bopping up and down. It helps relieve anxiety, but anxiety from what?

I was home alone a bit today and ended up purging. I tried to replace it with mushrooms and eggbeaters with tahziki. But there's this invisible line that if you eat something and you cross over that line, you feel as though you have to purge. I ended up having a few graham crackers and for some reason, it pushed me over the line. I felt like a complete FAILURE after that, but managed to eat substantial food about an hour later.

I still felt so much anxiety about eating lunch (it was NOT safe food) and finally keeping it, I just had to get out of the house. It's below freezing here but a beautiful sunny day :) I have a walking route I always walk and it takes me exactly one hour to complete. I feel much better now. It's amazing what fresh air and a little exercise can do for a person!

I'm meeting Bonnie at Starbucks, so I thought I'd come a bit early and blog ;) We have a Bible study group at my house tonight, which always causes me some anxiety because people always bring homemade baked treats. My challenge tonight is to not binge and purge on them. I am planning on having an apple and hot chocolate during the group instead of whatever they bring, but who knows what will happen. Plans always seem to change when it comes to small group.

For now though, I'm happy sitting here in sbux with my chamomile tea with honey in hand.

Happy

I met up with Andi today and it was wonderful to talk with her and just be upfront, honest, and real. We talked about everything- when her eating disorder started, the ups and downs, telling her parents, getting help. I'm so proud of her. She is so brave and was facing it all alone for so long. I'm looking forward to hanging out with my friend more often and talking about what's really going on in our lives :)

THEN I went with my mom, grandma, and cousin Maddie to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D. Coincidentally, my sister's family and another family we're friends with, all came to see the same movie at the same time! We were able to sit together and took up an entire row. I sat in between my niece Noelle (age 3) and my cousin Maddie (age 6). I wish I could say I enjoyed the movie itself because Belle has always been my favorite Disney princess! However, I ended up eating some popcorn and had a panic attack the entire movie. I could not sit still! All I wanted was to get out of there, go home, and be alone.

enthralled by the cotton candy machine

My cousin Maddie, my grandma and I

Maddie, Noel, Addie, and Chloe

         










My grandma and cousin wanted to go to dinner at The Mustard Seed afterwards though...this new plan was a surprise to my mom as well and she immediately saw the anxiety rising in me. She suggested I could hang out at Barnes and Noble while they ate, but my grandma really wanted me to eat with everyone. Out of guilt, I agreed to eat dinner out, which I don't think I've done since my dad's birthday back in September. Ugh! It turned out ok. I had miso soup, cooked veggies, steamed shrimp, a couple crackers, and a fortune cookie. I wasn't going to eat all of that, just the soup and crackers, but my grandma ordered the veggies for "everyone" (she knew I'd eat them) and when I took one shrimp that was offered, she kept offering more. It was odd actually...my grandma has never treated me like someone with an eating disorder. She's never pushed food on me. This was the first time I felt like she was actually showing her concern for me.

We ended up running into this shop after dinner that had all these colorful headbands. We sort of went crazy and bought a BUNCH because they were on sale. We bought 18 headbands between the four of us! Six of those were for me :) My mom and I had fun taking pictures of us in our new headbands :)

I feel happy. I connected on a deeper level with a dearly loved friend, survived movie popcorn and eating out, and got some lovely headbands that I feel cute in. SUCCESS!

Creative Style

I've been feeling so ugly and down about myself, so on my days off, I've been having fun with my hair and makeup and clothes :) Thought I'd share some of the fun looks I've been doing!

Food For Thought

I am SO HAPPY it's the weekend!!! Seriously, I couldn't be more grateful. I felt so sad yesterday for some reason, work was tedious and it felt like the day would never end. But it ended with...how should I say this, plenty to think about.

Okay, so one of my closest friends is so wonderful and I really love her! She's always so busy and we don't see each other enough, especially after I got home from treatment. I think we've hung out twice in the past six months, and each time I could tell she was holding a lot back. She texts me and lets me know she loves me and asks how I'm doing, but other than that, she's been quite distant. I had no idea what she was holding back, I just knew she's the kind of person who thinks of others first and doesn't like to share her problems because she doesn't want to be a burden to anyone (which she never is btw!).

Well, we were chatting via text last night, and she was finally able to get out everything she was keeping from me, but she was scared to death it might ruin our friendship. Turns out she's been struggling with bulimia and it's gotten pretty bad. She's been doing outpatient treatment since November and working on it, but she didn't want me to know any of this because she didn't want it to trigger me or make my recovery more difficult.

I was completely FLABBERGASTED! (Yes, if you're reading this Andi, I was a bit shocked). I knew something was going on but for some reason the fact that my best friend is struggling with an eating disorder too, just didn't occur to me. I knew she had low self-esteem and body image issues but I didn't know it became a full blown-out ED,

Anyways, I was SO RELIEVED she told me, and she was too. I can't believe she's been holding this in for so long and fighting it by herself. We're going to coffee today in a bit so it'll be so nice to actually TALK and really catch up, not holding anything back.

Other than seeing my dear friend today, I'm playing a new video game I got for my brother and I- it's called Skyrim and it's a huge RPG PS3 game. I used to be really into playing video game when I was growing up, but I've lost interest in them ever since my brother Tyler died. It reminds me so much of him...Maybe I can enjoy playing video games again?

I'm also seeing Beauty and the Beast in 3D at the theater with my little cousins, so that should be fun :) I'll let you guys know how today goes! Hope you're all doing well!!!!

Recharging and Romance

I'm so happy it's Friday :) Last weekend was the work party and night at the Davenport, so I felt like I never actually got to just rest. Going out every weekend drains me and being the introvert I am, I need alone time to recharge. I was planning for this weekend to be a "recharge weekend" but it seems I'm the only one who desires to do absolutely nothing. Rissa wants to go out to this concert tonight, my brother wants to play video games with me, my mom made plans for me to go see Beauty in the Beast with my little cousins in theaters on Saturday, church and small group on Sunday, and I just got a call from Bonnie about how we need to hang out this weekend ASAP.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY QUIET, DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WEEKEND?! I feel quite selfish and horrible for complaining about it, but I really need to recharge. I've noticed my eating disorder becomes louder when I don't recharge and it's been pretty loud all week. 

I almost want to check myself in to the hospital, get away from everyone AND my eating disorder, and just rest. Times like these are the only times being hospitalized is appealing.

Oh yeah, I keep having really intense dreams. Last night, it was all about romance and guys. In the dream, I was treated right by these gentlemanly guy friends of mine and they were so sweet! In the same dream, I went to the bathroom during a concert thing and my dead brother was worried about me because he had a feeling this one guy was up to no good. I ended up being molested by this guy. I get away but he comes back for me later in the dream. My good guy friends protect me from him though.

Weird, huh? Seems spot on though to what I believe about romance. There's wonderful nice guys, but there's also idiots who take advantage of you. I just stay away from romance so I won't have to deal with figuring it out. Probably not the best coping mechanism, and probably why I've never been on a real date.

Done With Therapy?

Wednesdays are always LONG days for me. I get up about 4am and begin working around 5am. Today was actually quite fun and my coworkers were all in a good mood. I usually see my therapist right after work at 3pm. I haven't seen her in 3 weeks so I KNOW I needed to go to this appointment. But when you haven't been going to therapy regularly, it's so difficult to get back into the habit.

I don't enjoy therapy. I rarely, if ever, want to go to therapy. Especially today for some reason. I just felt so exhausted and NOT at all in the mood for processing things I don't even want to think about in the first place. So...I cancelled my appointment. I told my mom my therapist had an emergency and had to cancel. I think my parents would be upset if they knew I was the one who cancelled and I didn't want to have to process why I cancelled it with them.

I just don't want to process period. I was thinking about it today and I've been continuously in therapy, both group and individual, for the past 17 months. Three of those months I was in a treatment facility and doing intense therapy pretty much every day. It WEARS on you. I get so weary of talking about feelings and I'm just at the point where I'm done with it. I don't want to learn anything more about myself. I don't want to talk about why I had a behavior.

I can't just stop though. I know that. I'm not even close to living a recovered lifestyle. I have behaviors everyday. But is therapy really going to help anything? Is this just the way I'm going to be for the rest of my life?

Ugh...just feeling kind of down about my "recovery status." I just want to be normal and not have to think about it anymore.

Wonderful Wonderful

Scales

Music Of The Night

Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams! 
Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before!              
Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar! 
And you'll live as you've never lived before ... 

Softly, deftly, music shall surround you ... 
Feel it, hear it, closing in around you ... 
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind, 
in this darkness which you know you cannot fight - 
the darkness of the music of the night. 


Music Of The Night by Andrew Llyod Webber from Phantom of the Opera


Everyone's in bed and it's just me up. I used to be a little nightbird when I worked for Starbucks. I'd work late night shifts, get home around midnight and stay up till 3am. It's been a long time since I've been the last one up. 


I remember why I love the night. I can ponder things without worrying about my musings being interrupted. 


I'm also clearly remembering why it became a nightmare. My eating disorder was such a monster once there was no one around to witness its atrocities. It reigned in the darkness. I didn't exist in the night, only the monster within me and I was miserable. I'd be sobbing over the toilet, crying I didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't want to purge. But I would, and I'd do it all over again until I was so exhausted and dizzy, I'd pass out. Swollen glands, mouth sores, shaky hands and bloody vomit couldn't stop me. 


Ana chastised me by day and Mia bullied me by night. Remembering this helps...it's sobering. It reminds me of where I've been, where I am, and where I want to be. 


Goodnight, my friends. 

Brunch

Finally I'm home! I had a lovely time with Rissa today, with maybe one downer. We had brunch (aka breakfast/lunch/dinner) at the Davenport before we checked out. It's pretty expensive but you can go around and pick out all sorts of delicious things, plus you get bottomless mimosas and champaign! Can't beat that ;) However, I did NOT know it was buffet style (eat all you can). I don't know if I was really ready for that...

At first I was fine. I picked out the things I wanted to eat- these sweet potato tartlets, eggs benedict, a berry crepe, and fruit. But I was incredibly hungry since we didn't have brunch till 12:15pm. I kept trying other things because it all looked so good- a danish and pumpkin cheesecake...I suppose that's all I had the first go around and I should have been fine with it. I mean, yes it was a lot of food, but for breakfast/lunch, it wasn't a full out binge- the amount I ate was socially acceptable...

...but there was this middle-aged man watching us eat. I would feel someone's eyes on me, turn around and he'd be smiling at me. It kept happening throughout the meal- Rissa and I got the feeling he's a divorced man and was interested in us in a slightly creepy way. When he got up with his (son?) to leave, he stopped at our table and said, "I couldn't help but notice you girls are eating A LOT of food. I can't believe how much your eating." Rissa and I didn't know how to react so we just laughed and he left. We seriously hadn't eaten as much as other people around us, though we had been getting up a lot to go grab something else to try instead of making one big trip. Rissa is petite and maybe he considered me smallish too...maybe he didn't expect girls our size to eat so well? 

I HAVE NO IDEA but it bugged me. I mean, rich girls who frequent expensive hotels like the one we were at probably nibble on this and that. Rissa and I definitely WERE NOT NIBBLING. ANYWAYS, I ended up feeling so guilty, I excused myself to use the bathroom (purge). I came back and was going to try to stick to eating safe foods but then I was like, fuck it, I don't care anymore. So I ate A BUNCH- more sweet potato, eggs benedict, and four muffins. If I stuck to one or two muffins I think I could have kept it all, but the third and fourth were definitely in "binge-mode" for me.

I felt horrible for not keeping my food. I mean, I should be stronger than this, right? Why can't I be NORMAL. Rissa ate as much as I did, if not more, and kept all of it. Why couldn't I do that? Even if I ate too much, it's okay every now and then right? 

When I'm doing better in recovery, I would LOVE to go back and have their sunday brunch again and KEEP it. Another goal! I came home afterwards and ate food AND KEPT IT. I wanted to go on a walk because it's BEAUTIFUL and sunny outside today, but my feet hurt so bad from dancing all night in high heels. So I ended up watching Chopped on the food network and just chilling on the couch. Here's some pics from today! I hope you guys aren't too disappointed in me.

                     Rissa putting on her make-up :)                The view outside our window- my city!

                          I love my owl earrings!                         Not too bad of an outfit?

                     pretty flowers and pretty Rissy!                         

                 Keeping a brave face :/

                                                  The Lobby in The Davenport Hotel

Work Party

I had such a fun time! Rissa and I drove downtown to The Davenport around 3pm. We felt so weird getting valet parking and our luggage taken up to the room for us- definitely not the lifestyle we're used to! The hotel lobby itself is impressive. Marble floors, big luxurious chairs, fountains, flowers, high ceilings...so lovely! We checked in a got to our room. We have a huge antique-looking king size bed, a mega size marble bathroom, and a beautiful view of downtown.

I was SO STRESSED OUT about what to wear. I made a not so great decision to get on the scale in the morning and I KNEW I had gained some weight this week from eating more normally, but seeing the number there wasn't conducive to recovery. I didn't really have anything to wear I felt good in- I felt all flabby and fat and I thought feeling so shitty might ruin the fun night we had planned. BUT Rissa brought 13 dresses and 7 pairs of shoes to try on! I found an outfit I felt comfortable in and that made a world of difference!

The party itself was held in the biggest ballroom at The Davenport and it was beautiful! It was so fun to see everyone looking all fancy! I mean, we're used to seeing each other in scrubs and caps. I hardly recognized some people, they looked so different. We had a sit-down dinner and free wine which was lovely. We had a yummy salad with mandarins and a poppy-seed dressing and bread rolls for the appetizer. Rissa and I ordered the vegetarian penne pasta dish. I didn't really like the pasta and Rissa didn't like the veggies (artichokes, mushrooms, and asparagus) so I ate all her veggies too and she had my pasta. Dessert was this chocolate raspberry cake thing.

The best part was how happy everyone was and the dancing we had after dinner! Some people got sooo drunk, it was really funny to watch them act so ridiculous. Rissa and I danced and it was fun to let loose. I was dancing with Dr. Lin, Dr. Reynolds...people who are usually so serious but definitely not on the dance floor. Watching them dance will change the way I look at them forever! I will say my dress kept falling off when we were dancing so I was continuously pulling it up, but I don't think anyone cared. 

Looking back at pictures now, I hate the way I look- I can SEE the weight gain, but I suppose the important part was I felt pretty last night. I'll just have to hold onto that feeling :)

I didn't get wasted or anything, had a couple glasses of wine, but I definitely have a headache this morning. I'm drinking lots of gatorade G2 at the moment. Rissa is still asleep and she'll sleep for several more hours I think. So now I'm just blogging :) We're having a late brunch here and checking out late at 2pm so no rush. Overall- a successful night out! I'm glad I didn't stay home, though the anxiety of being social and food made the thought quite tempting.

Weekend Plans :)

I met with my dietician, Viv, for coffee this morning. We picked a Starbucks we both don't normally visit, but of course, someone recognized me the minute I walked in the door. One of the anesthesiologists at my workplace was there with some friends. He's a nice older man and was really sweet when we chatted. AND OF COURSE, I saw my mom's friend who was bulimic, my sister's husband, and my dad's best friend. What a potentially awkward moment! It was fine though, just kind of funny I'd see so many people I know when I was trying to go as unnoticed as possible.

It was nice to talk to Viv and let her know what's been going on in my head. It made me feel less hopeless and like I'm actually not doing as terrible as I sometimes feel I'm doing. AND we talked about exercising which I would LOVE to start doing. It gives me some motivation to be consistently healthy and gain a bit of weight. 

I HAVE BIG PLANS FOR TONIGHT! There's a christmas work party at The Davenport Hotel, which is this historic old, very classy hotel downtown. There's going to be 300 people, a sit down dinner, dancing, a DJ- all in the biggest ballroom. I'm bringing my friend Rissa and we splurged and got a hotel room for the night! It's going to be dressy and I am stressing out on what to wear but I've got a few outfits picked out. The sit-down dinner part I've been worrying about all week, but I'm in a good frame of mind today. 

I ate a good breakfast this morning- oatmeal w/ banana, brown sugar and milk. HELL YES! I know if I do what I usually do- restrict all day- I'll end up bingeing and purging at the party. I really want to have a good time and ENJOY myself, so I'm going to tell Ed to fuck off and eat throughout the day. 

Now if only Rissa would ANSWER HER PHONE. 

:P wish me luck!

Ravenous

I was running out the door for work this morning when my mom asked me straight up if I'd eaten breakfast. I've never been good at lying and I always get caught, so I was honest. No, I hadn't eaten breakfast. My mom's eyes welled up with tears as she asked me what was going to fuel me for the day if I didn't have breakfast. *guilt trip* She recommended a cheese stick and I hate to see my mom cry so I grabbed an apple for bonus points.

Around lunch time, I was ravenous. Okay, when I say ravenous, I mean the kind of hunger that reduces you to your primal instincts and nothing can get in between you and food. You go on auto-pilot. Ed doesn't have a say when you're in auto-pilot-primal-instinct mode. I had toast w/ peanut butter and jelly, was still hungry so had a toast PB & J sandwich too. Still, I was SO HUNGRY. I ate a few graham crackers. STILL HUNGRY. I had a boost (energy/supplement drink). Finally the whole crazy hunger thing abated and I no longer felt like I could eat everything in sight. It was so WEIRD.

Of course, a wave of GUILT hit me eventually. I called my mom and told her what happened, what I ate. I just needed to hear it was okay I ate so much food and didn't purge it. I felt like if she didn't tell me it was okay, I'd have to purge or do something because then the guilt would have been too much. I've heard other ED girls experience similar thoughts. That's why we need support and a good treatment team. We NEED to hear over and over again it's OKAY to eat, we're nourishing our bodies, and it's not wrong to enjoy food. We need that affirmation because we need something to compete with the voice in our head saying food is bad.

I'm starting to get a dreadful head cold :/ It really started getting worse after my "feast." I wonder if my body was trying to tell me I was getting sick and was like,"I need some nutrition to fight this thing for you! So give me some damn food girl!"

I came home after an INSANELY BUSY day at work, ate a nice dinner and watched Super 8 with my family. I snuggled with my mommy too :) It felt good. You know, to actually eat and not purge it. I need days when I can see the other side- recovery is an option. I won't always be controlled by ed.

Yay! AND it's the weekend!!! I have big plans this weekend too, but I'll tell you about them tomorrow! Night loves!

It's Friday!

Another day. Where's my courage? 

I'm actually excited to work today. I need something to distract my mind. After last night's fiasco, I texted my dietician, Viv, and told her what's been going on. We're going to have coffee together on Saturday morning, so I'm looking forward to seeing her. I feel more at peace, like this whole thing isn't completely out of control and it'll be okay.

With coffee in hand, I'm going to face today ready to say no to Ed, and be me- the real me who loves life and has a sparkle in her eyes.

"So Much For My Happy Ending" (yes, I'm quoting Avril Lavigne)

Well, work went fairly well. I was busy "purging" files all day. I know, when I first heard someone off-handedly mention they needed to purge, I couldn't help but do a double-take. Apparently that's what they call pulling out old charts and putting them in storage. 

I want so desperately to change. Why is it so hard to get back on your feet when you've fallen down? I've done it before, but I can't seem to remember how I did it. I know these few weeks I've had apart from my outpatient team haven't been good for me. Not only was it the holidays, a notoriously difficult time for the eating disordered, I was also not seeing any of my treatment team, besides the doctors visit this last week. I need to see them. Soon. I think I've gone too long "on my own" and now I feel lost...directionless in my recovery.

Right now, there's a christmas staff party going on downstairs at my house. All of the pastors, their wives, and the interns are all over for a potluck and gift exchange. Yep, that's right- POTLUCK. I had planned to not have any of the potluck and pretty much stay secluded in my room. Plans never work out, do they? 

So WHILE I'm practically bingeing in front of the two girl interns I'm sitting with at the table, I accidentally find out one of them is in recovery from bulimia. She mentioned something about recovery to the other intern whom she's friends with and of course, I ask recovery from what? I knew before she even said anything- she felt really embarrassed so I was like, oh, it's ok, I totally understand. I'm in recovery from an ED too so it's all good, and we dropped it there. Yes, AWKWARD. Why did I confess that?! Seriously?! (As I'm eating five cookies, meatballs, pizza bites...really Danilee? You REALLY think that was a smart move?)

So now I've decided to actually seclude myself to my room now, in the hopes I won't keep making a fool of myself. 

I wish I was like the girls in those documentaries and TV specials about eating disorders. They're a hot mess, go to treatment, and WHAALAA! They're "cured" and completely normal. I did the whole hot mess and treatment part but I seemed to miss the last part. 

All I want is to cuddle up and snuggle with someone, maybe cry a little too.

I wish my outside was my inside.

Yesterday was one of those days where everything on the outside went splendid, but everything on the inside was a hot mess.

I'm hoping today my outside will be more consistent with my inside. I never look forward to thursdays at work, because I'm a floater and have no particular job other than filing and answering the front desk, which isn't exactly the exciting part of my job. The uncertainty of what I'm going to be doing today drives me mad. I'd rather know for sure than have to wonder. But I suppose that reflects my "planner" side.

Can I just say I LOVE my morning coffee? I used to only drink black because of the calories but now I'm at least free from that compulsion and let myself have two tablespoons of flavored creamer. Today it was eggnog creamer and it's so delicious!

Sometimes it's the little things about recovery that make it worth it :)

Wish me luck today at work!

My Favorite Snacks

I was recently inspired by someone else's blog to make a list of my favorite snack ideas! Maybe it might inspire you to try something new too!

banana+peanut butter
apple+almond butter
greek yogurt+frozen berries
mushrooms+hummus
apple sliced+cinnamon heated in microwave for 2 min
chocolate/vanilla pudding+graham crackers
yogurt covered pretzels
GORP (craisins, peanuts, and yogurt-covered raisins)
hot chocolate+toast
toast+peanut butter+honey
crackers+cheese

Falling by The Civil Wars

I had to make some boundaries today with a dear friend. She's also eating disordered but dead set on her goal weight and doesn't want recovery, whereas I am trying to focus on recovery. We're heading in two different directions and talking on a daily basis isn't working. There's nothing I can say to stop her and when she tries to encourage me, I can't take her seriously because I know she doesn't believe it herself. It's not fun to tell someone you love you can't talk to them for a time. 

Anyways, I almost feel like I just broke up with my (nonexistent) boyfriend. Music helps me FEEL things, so this song in particular has helped express my feelings about this situation. It's a beautiful song and I really encourage you guys to look it up on YT or something!

"Falling"

Haven't you seen me sleep walking?

'Cause I've been holding your hand

Haven't you noticed me drifting?

Oh, let me tell you, I am

Tell me it's nothing

Try to convince me

That I'm not drowning

Oh let me tell you, I am

Please, please tell me you know

I've got to let you go

I can't help falling

Out of love with you

Why am I feeling so guilty?

Why am I holding my breath?

Worry 'bout everyone but me

I just keep losing myself

Tell me it's nothing

Try to convince me

That I'm not drowning

Oh let me tell you, I am

Please, please tell me you know

I've got to let you go

I can't help falling

Out of love with you

Won't you read my mind?

Don't you let me lie here

And die here

Please, please tell me you know

I've got to let you go

I can't help falling

Out of love with you

Haven't you noticed?

I'm sleepwalking

Hot N' Cold

It seems amazing spectacular days are almost always followed by incredibly lowest of lows days. Why I thought today would be an exception, I don't know.

I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning. Bad idea. When you are usually purging 3-6/day and one day you eat like a normal person and don't throw it up, it naturally follows the scale will show it's gone up two pounds or so, since the body holds onto fluid, etc. I SHOULD KNOW THIS BY NOW. But no, I had to get on that stupid scale. Furthermore, I had a doctors appointment and the nurse who did my vitals wasn't the usual nurse. She weighed me and this time I'd also eaten and had my morning coffee. Seeing an even HIGHER number freaked me out. Logically I know there's no way I could have gained x pounds in one day, especially when my total caloric intake is around y right now (as I'm building it up).

Why do numbers dictate whether the day is going to be a good day or a bad day? 

Boo! I want to throw a pity party for myself. I went on a walk and that helped but as you can tell by the picture, I look pretty dreary.