tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43925844074756322632024-03-26T23:38:22.448-07:00The Unglamorous World of Eating DisordersRaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.comBlogger174125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-30329892906263732772014-01-29T18:22:00.000-08:002014-01-29T18:22:56.670-08:00New Blog, New FocusHello peeps :) First of all, I love every single one of you who reads this post and even finds the time to comment. I am extremely grateful for this family I've found here and on my youtube channel.<br />
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I feel like it's time for me to move on from my eating disorder though, and find all my "Ragan Mae" social networks triggering. "Ragan Mae" reminds me of darker days that I need to stop contemplating so intensely.<br />
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I started a new blog with my real married name. You guys are more than welcome to follow it. I will sometimes talk about eating disorder subjects, but mostly, it will talk about what I'm dealing with on a daily basis.<br />
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Thank you for following me here. I'm truly grateful for this community.<br />
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My new blog is http://www.danileekeogh.blogspot.com<br />
<br />Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-20409057693476555292013-11-10T16:05:00.000-08:002013-11-10T16:05:09.147-08:00Purge.<span style="font-size: large;">I never know when I'm going to find myself writing on this blog again. God knows I've had plenty of opportunities and things to talk about. However, I'm finding it easier and easier to keep my thoughts in my head where they might fester. It feels safer like that. Less real maybe. If I write what I'm really thinking or feeling here or via YouTube, it suddenly manifests itself as reality and who wants to face that?</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Ignore my ramblings, my friends, or whoever finds their way to my blog. I've had a rough weekend, and it really shouldn't of been. I went to a friend's bachelorette party. It was just the four bridesmaids and the bride, staying the night in a double queen deluxe room at a notoriously fancy and distinguished hotel. We went to the The Lounge to sip a glass of wine during happy hour. Awkward silence gave way to polite conversation, and eventually truly enjoyable banter. One bridesmaid had just gotten back from living in the mountains of Colorado, working with wolves which was fascinating to me (I might have a slight obsession with wolves). </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">We went to a pub-like restaurant and we were all feeling comfortable with each other at this point. I decided to treat myself and get something I've not had for years- a cheeseburger with sweet potato fries and a mixed drink cocktail- huckleberry mint. I was happy, I really was...but I waffled down my food like I had never tasted anything so delectable before. Those familiar feelings of panic and overwhelming FULLNESS, equating to fatness, took over. I felt as though I might throw up- no, I WANTED to. Anything to not feel like this.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I excused myself to the bathroom and leaned over the toilet. At first, that's all it took to get some food out. I was naturally throwing up, right? I fooled myself. I was trying to purge. But everything wouldn't come up with such little help, especially after abstaining from purging for over 11 months. I committed to it, letting the panic control my actions. Just a finger for just a second, it didn't take much. And then I couldn't stop. I had to get it all, now. Out out out, leave me please. I can't handle you, food. You're too much. I'm too much.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I sat back down with the other girls. Guilt. What had I done? I had been holding out for so long so I could say I've been purge free for a whole year. Why did I give up on a whim, one month from my goal?</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Self hatred is hard to hide from. I knew I'd have to tell my husband. We're a team now and we don't keep secrets. I wouldn't do that to him. I asked him to pick me up in an hour. I guess he knew something was up. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">We went back to our hotel room. We had champagne and talked about sex. I gave my advice as well as the only other married woman present. I downed a few glasses which normally would have just made me tipsy. Maybe being dehydrated and empty of food did a number on me. I found myself having an out of body experience only someone highly intoxicated can relate to. I couldn't walk straight. I found myself saying odd drunken thoughts out loud and most likely sharing way too much information. My bride friend walked me down when Ryan arrived, with what I later realized was a concerned look. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I got in his car and from that moment on, felt and probably acted hysterical. I confessed I'd purged. I just cried and cried, asking if he still loved me, saying I was sorry over and over again.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I woke up this morning with a headache and incredibly sore throat. Ouch. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Where do I go from here? It hurts to think about it. I hate myself for messing up. I've berated myself all day, and most likely for the rest of the week. I don't want to go back to purging, and I don't think I will. I'm just sad I let it back in, even if just for a night.</span>Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-76098842515173631222013-09-16T15:58:00.006-07:002013-09-16T15:58:34.416-07:00Bachelorette Party and Shower!This weekend was my bachelorette party and bridal shower. The entirety of last week, I was filled with so much self hatred for my body. I was worried it would ruin a fun weekend with friends and family. It didn't. At least not in the moment. I was able to forget how I looked and just enjoy the present. Now I look at pictures that were taken, and am disgusted with my body.
I have this fear too...What if I won't be able to lose the weight for my wedding? All I want to lose is five pounds. FIVE POUNDS. It's nothing. I used to be able to lose ten pounds with a snap of my fingers. I don't want to resort to eating disorder behavior though, and it seems so difficult, nay impossible, to lose weight the healthy way. The healthy way takes forever. I'm trying though. I am going to be more active this week, while also trying not to be TOO active. I'm excited to get married, despite the whole weight issue. 26 days! I can't believe it's almost here!
Bachelorette party was friday beginning at 2pm. All my lovely bridesmaids met at my matron of honor's house (Andi). We got all dressed up, they wore black and I work a bright turqoise dress. We got a limo for the day and drank champagne will driving around for an hour. It was fun to have them all meet each other, and better yet, LIKE each other. We went to this place that did a private painting class- called Van Gogh and Merlot. How much better can painting get with a glass of Merlot in your hand? We all did surprisingly well, thank God we had a great teacher an a liberally abstract painting to reproduce! Afterwards, we had dinner and met up with some other friends along the way (which happened all night, since not everyone could be there for the whole affair). We went to this classy place called the Safari Room and had a yummy dinner. I had a spicy shrimp, mozzerella, and pesto flatbread. YUM!!!! :P Afterwards, we went to lookout pass to see the city lights. Then we played some fun games and just talked at Andi's house. I barely slept all night. My heart was racing and I had other problems that led to a panic attack in the middle of the night. Overall though, it was a blast! I have amazing friends!!
The shower was just plain beautiful. I mean it- beautiful. I loved it. There was 65 people there, even though a bunch of people got a stomach bug. We had a morning brunch tea party, with tea cups, tea sandwiches, scones, and all. It was decorated perfectly and had all the detailed touches that make it so wonderful. People were very impressed and are still talking about it. I loved all the gifts I got and felt blessed.
Anyways, I have pictures on my facebook. Maybe I'll post some here sometime??? Thank you all for your advice and support.They mean so much to me!Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-3487633011700140992013-09-09T20:54:00.002-07:002013-09-09T20:55:43.687-07:00Olive GardenI intend to keep this short. Bed is calling my name. It's been a busy day. Work was hectic and I didn't get half the things done I wanted to get done. I went straight from work to Ryan's house, changed, and helped him load a desk he is giving to my brother into his truck with my big man muscles.<br />
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We went straight from there to Olive Garden, meeting Ryan's mom and Grammie for dinner. I've been fretting over this all day. Should I get the low calorie soup- minestrone 100 cals? Or the soup I want- chicken and gnocchi 250 cals? A breadstick 150 cals? I ended up feeling guilty after I told Ryan what I had eaten for the day (400cals). We really were soooo busy at work, I barely had time to eat. Still...<br />
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I ended up having a whole fucking plate of angel hair pasta in ALFREDO sauce. I was only planning on having a little of it but I guess I really was hungry because I felt as though I couldn't stop myself. Cue purging. I didn't purge, mind you. But after I finished it, I regretted it instantly and everything in me wanted it OUT. I was no longer paying attention to the conversation. Instead, I was listing pros and cons in my head of purging. I'd break my nine month purge free streak...but I'd feel better in the moment...anyways, I decided not to purge mostly because I stalled myself long enough that I was finally able to convince myself I probably absorbed most the calories anyways.<br />
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In the end, I had a normal calorie amount (2000 calories). Just wish it wasn't mostly all in one sitting.<br />
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Now I'm all melancholy and hating myself. Eating disorders suck. They make simple things complicated. Part of me thrives on it. A bigger part of me is dying every time I give in to it. I want it but I hate it. I fight it, but embrace it.<br />
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Ryan always says I'm a conundrum. I'm all or nothing. Everything is black and white with me. Lately it's been more black than white though. Isn't this supposed to be the happiest time of my life? Aren't I supposed to be immersed in wedding planning and so fucking joyful, it makes people want to throw up? (haha no pun intended)Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-15808216052266392612013-09-07T13:44:00.001-07:002013-09-07T13:44:52.927-07:00Body HateAfter a long absence from this blog, I am hesitant to return. Especially because I'm not in the greatest mind space at the moment.<br />
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This pressure has been building up inside of me, this growing hate for my body. In the past year, I've made leaps and bounds in my recovery. I haven't purged in over nine months. I have eaten quite normally. I've also gained 25 pounds. I've gained nearly 50 pounds from my lowest weight. As I've become more behavior free, I've slowly been adding on the pounds. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't think I should weigh this much. I hate my body right now.<br />
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Hate is a strong word but I mean it. I know logically I shouldn't hate it. But this pent up hatred is overwhelming. It consumes me. I try to ignore it and distract myself. I can't though. And I can't talk to anyone about it. I don't want their comforting words because to me, it's all lies. I just want the weight gone. I want it gone NOW.<br />
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I realize what a dangerous place I'm in right now. I haven't acted on these thoughts and feelings yet. I've been holding back because honestly, I don't want my eating disorder in my life again. But something has got to give. I've got to do SOMETHING to relieve the pressure that's building up to unbearable levels.<br />
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I just don't know what to do though, besides the obvious giving into behaviors. I'm getting married in 35 days and I've got my bachelorette party and bridal shower in a week. There will be so much food involved in the upcoming celebrations, not only for my wedding, but for one of my bridesmaids that is also getting married. I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it. I want to drown my sorrows in I know not what. Something. Something, or I will break.<br />
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<br />Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-12907440399636109602013-01-31T16:36:00.002-08:002013-01-31T16:36:49.853-08:00Meal Plans Past/FutureOk peeps! This is what I've BEEN eating for the past three months:<br />
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<u>Breakfast</u><br />
oatmeal+craisins+almonds+almond milk<br />
vanilla soy cream+coffee<br />
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<u>Morning Snack</u><br />
apple<br />
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<u>Lunch</u><br />
high protein dry-mix soup (curry lentil, corn chowder, or split pea)<br />
carrots<br />
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<u>Afternoon Snack</u><br />
almond milk<br />
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<u>Dinner</u><br />
yukon gold potatoes+ketchup<br />
boca burger+spinach+salsa<br />
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Sometimes I'd eat more or less, depending on how I felt or if I was more physically active.<br />
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What I PLAN on eating starting next week:<br />
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<u>Breakfast</u><br />
2pc toast+almond butter+jam<br />
vanilla soy cream+coffee<br />
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<u>Morning Snack</u><br />
apple<br />
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<u>Lunch</u><br />
tortilla wrap+hummus+edamame+red pepper+spinach+cucumber<br />
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<u>Afternoon Snack</u><br />
pineapple<br />
carrots<br />
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<u>Dinner</u><br />
Quinoa+steamed broccoli+tofu+teriyaki sauce<br />
red pepper<br />
<br />Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-78701139526773468852013-01-30T15:39:00.002-08:002013-02-21T17:49:04.405-08:00Life Happens.I don't really want to talk about it, simply recognize it happened and it sucked. However, I had the nicest cop ever. He didn't give me the ticket I deserved, which would have been much more expensive. Before he left, he told me this doesn't mean I'm a bad person, I just made a mistake. I did really well with it all until he said that- then the tears started flowing. It took a good 30 minutes for them to stop.<br />
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What can I say, life happens. After my blissful weekend, life is really raining on my parade. My grandpa's dementia is getting really bad. It's so hard to watch this great, wonderful man lose his mind. Ryan didn't get a job he wanted in town and there's just so many uncertainties, it's hard not to live in fear.<br />
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I also couldn't exercise Monday and Tuesday. I fell down icy stairs Friday and it really messed with my back. I felt like I had a pinched nerve or something and it was really bothering me. I was surprised by how much I freaked out by not being about to exercise. It was a wakeup call for sure...I need to watch myself and make sure I don't become addicted to exercise again. I worked out today and am feeling much better about myself, though I don't think the problem was ever really addressed.<br />
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I'm also getting SUPER SUPER burnt out on my food. I've been eating the same thing everyday for the past few months. The thought of another potato for dinner makes me feel nauseous. So I'm switching it up starting Monday! Ryan asked me why I can't just start now. I told him I needed to finish the food I have now. True, most of what I eat isn't going to go bad for awhile. I realized though I have a problem with having more than one food option per meal in the house. It's easier for me to have just enough food and every meal to be predictable. It eases the anxiety of it all. This realization only surprised me because I didn't know I still struggled with it. I mean, I'm in recovery but apparently I'm not "recovered" yet. I still have food issues, even though I am not bingeing or purging or restricting. I wonder if I'll ever be recovered???<br />
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I was thinking about posting what I've been eating on a daily basis for the past few months and what I plan to switch to as of Monday. Let me know if you guys are interested and I'll make the post tonight!Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-62789862488403713942013-01-27T07:40:00.001-08:002013-01-27T07:40:54.681-08:0030 DAYS BEHAVIOR FREE!!!Yep, that's right. Today is day 30 of no eating disorder behaviors! I've had this goal for so long and reaching it seemed like an impossible dream.<br />
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Life is good. I love living independent of my family. I enjoy my job. I have a sweet boyfriend and I never want to let go of him. I'm weight restored and behavior free for the first time in years. I'm exercising and eating healthy and NORMALLY. I'm at peace with my body. I'm learning to like it's shape.<br />
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Could I be any happier?Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-45152175004790080612013-01-19T15:51:00.004-08:002013-01-19T16:01:22.502-08:00Gym RatsI love Saturdays. I took an extra dose of seroquel last night and slept beautifully. I woke up still in a drugged fog but it felt wonderful to be relaxed and have the sun peaking through the shades while I'm snuggled up in my feather duvet. I ate my oatmeal with dried fruit, almonds and almond milk, and had my french press coffee. I did NOT want to get out of bed and go to the gym, where I feel like a complete failure.<br />
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But I did go. It took some motivation from the boyfriend and ten minutes looking through pinterest workout motivation posts. Apparently everyone else thought going to the gym at 11am was a good idea too. There weren't any treadmills available and my YMCA is new and HUGE. I messed around on the elliptical for a few minutes to get warmed and snagged a treadmill when someone finally gave theirs up.</div>
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On both sides of me were two gym rats. You know the type. The girl on my right doing all sorts of intervals at different speeds. The one on the left was running at an insane high speed and maintaining it until her time ran out. She stopped and caught her breath for a minute and restarted the treadmill for another sixty minutes at a break-a-neck speed. I know these girls because I used to be one of them. It's like a special club. You never speak to each other but give a knowing nod whenever your eyes happen to meet. I used to walk proudly at the gym like I owned the place. </div>
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Now I keep my head down and eyes averted from everyone in close proximity. I am ashamed. My membership to the gym rat club has expired. I no longer belong with the elite. I'm just another lumpy, out of shape, commoner. </div>
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I had these thoughts while I was running/walking and I almost went back to my car so I could go home and mope.</div>
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It's true. I'm no longer a gym rat. I am aiming for a life of balance that extends into my exercise regime. I will most likely never be a gym rat again because it's not healthy for me. I'm learning to be okay with it too. It's just not easy to let go of the title I used to be so proud of...</div>
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Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-74828833149359456332013-01-16T08:55:00.001-08:002013-01-16T08:55:15.431-08:00Work PartyI'M ON DAY 19 OF NO BEHAVIORS!!! I made a record of 16 days behavior free on Sunday, and my reward was that I would allow myself to start working out again. I was so excited to feel better about my body again and feel STRONG. I began a six week challenge blog: http://fitandhealthysixweeks.blogspot.com<div>
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Well, if you read my latest blog on that blog, you'll know my workout plan was total fail. My body is so out of shape, it's discouraging. I want to give up and just not eat. I won't do that, but the temptation is there.</div>
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This weekend I had our work (belated) christmas party. Ryan was my date and it was so fun to dress up and feel pretty. I bought this beautiful dress a few weeks prior but was unsure if I would actually wear it. It's a form fitting sort of dress and I felt very self-conscious wearing it. Last year's work party I brought my friend Caryssa and I weighed twenty pounds less than I do now. I was so afraid of people talking behind my back saying things like,"Wow, she HAS gained a lot of weight. She is looking chubby now." </div>
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However, I got a lot of good compliments on how I looked this year. Having Ryan there for support was great too. He thought I looked beautiful and sexy :) So I guess I can accept that. </div>
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We had free wine and dinner and danced a bunch! Ryan came to MY work party and got a free beer, $25.00 Home Depot gift card, a huge jar full of peanut M&Ms, and a dollar bill. How did he win everything and I didn't?! RUDE. ;)</div>
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Me at last year's party:</div>
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This year's party:</div>
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Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-29963577428768287012013-01-12T10:45:00.000-08:002013-01-12T10:45:40.889-08:00Working Out Or StarvingHello again :) I've been thinking about this blog and wanting to write something on here for some time. There's certain things I cannot voice in my day-to-day life but I can say here, and those things have been building up lately. <div>
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I have been doing great. I have a job I enjoy, I'm not living at home anymore but with friends and LOVING it, I have a boyfriend I adore- I couldn't ask for anyone better. I've been weight restored since November and maintaining. I purge less frequently- once or twice every two weeks or so (much better than 3-6 times per DAY)...</div>
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I am loving life. The only thing I'm unhappy about is my body. I hate it so much. My stomach extends into a lumpy roundish thing, my thighs touch, my sides hang over my jeans...I have a work party tonight and a dress that's ADORABLE, but all I can see is my imperfections- a body that does not do the dress justice.</div>
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I've been having an overwhelming amount of eating disordered thoughts I don't act on, but still they linger.</div>
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My only hope right now is starting to work out again on Monday. Maybe then I'll be okay with this body at this weight. However, I'm afraid of what happens if working out fails me. It'd be so easy to go back to my eating disorder behaviors. I'll have thoughts that say, "Just don't eat this week. You'll lose a few pounds and feel better." But I want to start working out and I've learned you can't do both. I need energy to work out. Running on fumes in not enjoyable and ASKING for trouble. I've done that before. I'm either eating and working out, or not eating and not working out. It's one or the other.</div>
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These are my honest thoughts, eating disordered they may be. Still, it feels nice to get them out somewhere. </div>
Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-54132814328667284262012-12-13T08:03:00.002-08:002012-12-13T08:03:48.106-08:00Why I've Been Absent<span style="font-size: large;">I haven't blogged in awhile...the truth is I've been doing great. I have slip ups and hard days but they're happening less often. My good days are more numerous than my bad days. Every now and then, I'll check out the blogging world and what's going on in the lives of the people I follow here. It depresses me. There's so much hopelessness, and I'm all too familiar with it. Eating disorders are horrible and it breaks my heart to see my friends and those I follow give in to the lies Ed wants you to believe.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I turn off my computer feeling that same hopelessness. It still can suck me in, if I give it any attention. So that's why I haven't been on here much. I am not strong enough yet to be present here and help people...ENCOURAGE others. I want to, but I fall.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I miss all of you. I miss reading your blogs. I'm getting stronger though. I'll come back. Just wanted you lovely people to know. I am well. Weight restored for the past few weeks. I'm learning to be okay with it. I am happy.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><3 rae</span>Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-16328739839666459122012-11-19T06:04:00.001-08:002012-11-19T06:05:13.119-08:00Long Time, No Post!<span style="font-size: large;">I'm sorry I've been MIA for the past few weeks or however long it's been since I last blogged. Life has been good! I just moved out of my house this weekend into a house my best friend bought. There's three of us living there- Rissa, Bonnie (my brother's "widowed" girlfriend) and I. We've been waiting for months to move and it finally happened! At first I was incredibly stressed out, but once we really started moving my stuff and setting up my new room, excitement set in and I felt quite happy about the whole affair. There's still so much to do- there's boxes and just STUFF everywhere in the living room and kitchen. My room is pretty much all done though and it's so cute! I'll post pictures here when I get the curtains up :)</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I can't remember if I told you guys, but I've been officially dating Ryan for about two weeks now. He's incredibly sweet to me and I have been freaking out less. Ever since we became official, I've become incredibly affectionate with him. I love cuddling and holding hands! We just kissed for the first time yesterday, and I'm still slightly freaked out by it as to be expected knowing me, but once I get over the fear of being completely inadequate at kissing I think I'll really enjoy it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Eating disorder wise...I've been struggling less since I've known Ryan. Oh, I took a break from all therapy a few weeks ago. I don't think I'm going back. I am sooo much happier not going to therapy. I think I've been going for so long, it's lost it's affectiveness. Maybe if I'm not doing so hot, I'll go back, but for now I'm doing pretty good. I've gotten purging down to only 3-4 days per week, and only 1-2 per day. This might seem like a lot of behaviors to some people but believe me, it is a VAST improvement!!! I've been eating regularly as well and not skipping meals except once or twice a week. I can't wait till I get to the point where I have aboslutely no behaviors, or even just one a week. That would be a dream come true! I think the more I start to believe Ryan when he says I'm beautiful and worth something, the less I hate my body and want to do it harm. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">SO there's a summary of my life currently. I'll write more later when I get the chance :) Much love to all of you!</span>Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-78905562247376306652012-10-22T06:46:00.001-07:002012-10-22T06:48:00.714-07:00Running Away with Faeries<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="647451613-22102012" style="font-size: large;">My thoughts and feelings of late confound me. They're mixed and matched, contradicting and conflicting. It's easier to not feel or think. It's more desirable to lose myself in numbness and pretend this part of me does not exist. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="647451613-22102012" style="font-size: large;">How does a slight touch send electric shocks through my body, leaving my senses sizzling and heightened? Am I okay with this? Is it a bad feeling or a good feeling? </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="647451613-22102012" style="font-size: large;">In a moment of blunt honesty, I voiced the truth about the current state of my eating disorder. Hearing it outloud and confessing it to another human being made reality more tangible. I feel heavy. Though I strongly desire to stop therapy sessions and other eating disorder related appointments, my frequent behaviors strongly suggest I'm not ready. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="647451613-22102012" style="font-size: large;">Yeats translates my current state of mind into a poetic form:</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="647451613-22102012" style="font-size: large;">"Come away, O human child,</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="647451613-22102012" style="font-size: large;">from the waters and the wild,</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="647451613-22102012" style="font-size: large;">with a faery hand in hand,</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="647451613-22102012" style="font-size: large;">for the world's more full of weeping</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="647451613-22102012" style="font-size: large;">than you can understand."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="647451613-22102012" style="font-size: large;">If only I could escape with faeries. It paints a pretty picture :)</span></span></div>
Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-1306397645684054782012-10-16T16:28:00.001-07:002012-10-16T16:28:08.488-07:00Sick and DownI stayed home from work sick today with a sinus infection cold thingy. I tried to do some things around the house so I don't feel too lazy. After I cleaned my room, sheets, and laundry I took a nice hot bath. People underestimate the power of hot water+Bath and Body Works soap and lotion afterwords.<br />
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I still feel dirty. I can't clean away the guilt and self hatred I feel towards myself. I messed up at work on Monday- made multiple mistakes. I was training and not being as careful as I should have been. On top of that, I had to take today off and I feel bad for putting my coworkers one (wo)man down. All of this only confirms those fears I've been trying so hard to keep at bay.<br />
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I am a failure. I'm going to lose my job because I'm a failure. I'm not cut out for this job. I am fat. I am ugly. I am worthless.<br />
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Being home alone hasn't helped anything. I've not had much to distract me from these thoughts and feelings. I'm trying to stay positive, but when I'm sick and feeling horrible about myself, it's hard to believe in self affirmations.<br />
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I've been half wanting to make a video but can't seem to sit in front of a camera for long. All I end up doing is critiquing myself.<br />
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This last weekend was fun though. I hung out with Ryan a lot and my girlfriends too. Saw a kids musical production of Dr. Doolittle with my grandma and little cousins. Firstly, I hate talking animals. I always have hated talking animals. Cinderella was always my least favorite princess because she had way too many talking animals around her. I know, I sound horrible but it's the facts. Dr. Doolittle is ALL about talking animals and furthermore, THE MUSICAL WAS THREE HOURS LONG! Who in their right mind would have a kids play about talking animals last so long? I thought I was going to die. Six year old Maddie kept shaking me whenever I tried to fall asleep. She was very concerned that I didn't miss a minute of Dr. Doolittle.<br />
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Pure torture.<br />
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On a happier note, I GOT MY IPHONE 5! Woot woot :)Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-39204987771828807202012-10-10T14:29:00.002-07:002012-10-10T14:29:19.551-07:00Coffeeshop BoyI've been hanging out at this cute little french bakery/coffee shop called La Petit Chat. It's such a cute little place and a legit bakery so it has so many yummy treats I like to splurge on every so often. There almond croissant so flaky and delicious and my "go-to" is the sticky oat bran muffin. I've been here for a couple of hours now, sipping some tea and alternating between reading poetry and writing letters to friend.<div>
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Just a second a go, a guy who works here dropped a note off. It said that he would ask me in person, but didn't think his boss would approve. He asked me to go out tomorrow night and gave me his number. I'm incredibly flattered!!! I thought we had one of those "clicks." I think he's cute. His little nephew and niece have come by to say hello and he's great with them. PLUS, he went to ORU so he watches the Ducks. So what's stopping me from giving a big resounding yes to his question??</div>
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Ryan. I like Ryan. I'm liking him more and more. I don't know about romantically, but I'm definitely heading in that direction. And I know he's hoping for something more with me eventually. Furthermore, Ryan is so understanding, sweet, and patient with me. I can't imagine someone who could be any better than that. Thing is, we are not dating. I could technically just go out with this coffeeshop guy. I want to actually. I think it would be fun and I want to branch out. The main thing stopping me is I KNOW it would hurt him. I don't want to hurt him or play games or anything like that. </div>
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So I told the coffeeshop guy (he does have a name- Taylor) I think he's cute and I'm flattered, but I'm in a weird place relationally. I'm not dating but I'm not in the place to go there either. If he wants to get to know each other as friends, then cool. If not, we can leave it at that and just be polite strangers. I don't know if he's seen the message yet- I mean he's working right now. But I'll let you know how he responds.</div>
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MY LIFE. I'm really flattered though. To be seen as someone desirable? By legitimately nice guys who aren't just trying to sleep with me? Yeah, that makes me happy.</div>
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Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-68571131202109230232012-10-07T17:40:00.001-07:002012-10-07T17:40:13.257-07:00New JobI'm starting my new job tomorrow. Let me explain- I had a different, seemingly less permanent position at work for the last year. Someone just retired last Friday and I'm taking her position. I used to be a floater and work everyone's job on their day off. Now, someone else is the floater and I finally have my own desk! I cleaned and reorganized it friday and put up pictures I brought from home. Doing this made it more real for me.<br />
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My anxiety and fears are overwhelming me now. Tomorrow is my first day doing this job not as a floater. I'm feeling inept. Can I really do this job? As a floater, I just did the basics of the job, but now there's all the little things that DeeDee's job entails and now I'm the one expected to do them. Can I live up to those expectations?<br />
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I'm so afraid of failing and letting other people down.<br />
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On top of all that, I'm trying to navigate my way through all of my boy issues. How confusing and triggering.Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-32644129526601745202012-10-03T06:51:00.002-07:002012-10-03T06:51:27.050-07:00No Moderation<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span class="402263813-03102012">Since my life has been a whirlwind of weddings, getting ready to move out, and other social activities, I was planning on this week being a mellow one. Somehow though, I found myself committing to little things here and there. I realized yesterday how my low-key week has turned into another very busy week. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span class="402263813-03102012"></span></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span class="402263813-03102012">I'm beginning to feel stressed about everything. I love my friends and family. I WANT to hang out with them. But I need some alone time too. Seems like I won't be getting much of it for awhile. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span class="402263813-03102012"></span></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span class="402263813-03102012">Amazingly enough, I haven't binged or purged in four days. I struggled with purging last week so I'm proud of myself for getting back on track. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span class="402263813-03102012"></span></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span class="402263813-03102012">I think I'm PMSing. I'm easily irritable and I snap at people, especially my parents, with absolutely no good reason. I ended up calling my mom yesterday to apologize for my moodiness. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span class="402263813-03102012"></span></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span class="402263813-03102012">On a slightly lighter note, I've been overdosing on beets. My mom got fresh picked beets this weekend and boiled them. I've literally been having about 5 large beets every day. TMI: My urine and poo are red, purple, or pink. I'm taking this as a definite sign I need to back off the beets, which won't be too difficult. I'm sick of them already. That's my problem- I don't know how to moderate. When I like something, I have A LOT of it. Then I can't stand even the thought of eating/drinking it for a few years at least. This has happened to me for years with pears, oranges, bananas, yogurt, vodka (more recent haha), peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, etc. The list goes on and on. It took me 11 years to finally eat a PB & J sandwich again!!! </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span class="402263813-03102012"></span></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span class="402263813-03102012">Anyways, back to work. Just wanted to vent a little and check in ;)</span></span></div>
Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-25714163843817463282012-09-29T09:38:00.003-07:002012-09-29T09:38:27.509-07:00lil update on lifeThe weekend could not of been more welcome. I had a fun time last night going to dinner at a vegan/vegetarian restaurant and seeing Pitch Perfect with a friend! Her lame ass long distance boyfriend has been cheating on her so girl time was much needed for both of us.<br />
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I drugged myself with an extra dosage of seroquel last night and just woke up. I'm meeting a friend at a local bakery/coffee shop so that'll be fun!<br />
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I'm doing okay. Kind of hanging in there right now. Moving out and boy stuff is stressing me out a bit, but I'll be alright.Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-81106843578377075742012-09-25T15:02:00.000-07:002012-09-25T15:02:16.555-07:00The Anatomy of a Binge/PurgeBinges can happen for several reasons.<br />
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1. You're emotionally distraught. You might be stressed, angry, tired, anxious.<br />
2. You're malnourished. You can be any weight, even obese, and be malnourished. You're body is in a place where it will override your willpower because it wants to survive.<br />
3. You're bored.<br />
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Sometimes, you've already decided you're going to binge and purge before you even begin. Other times, you don't even see it coming. There's an invisible line and if you eat something that crosses that line, that's it- you HAVE to binge/purge.<br />
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During a binge, you're in the zone. I've been thinking about it, and I'm not sure you feel happy or sad or feel anything at all. At first, you taste the food you're eating and you might think it's delicious. But there's definitely a point where you stop tasting it. You're not eating for taste anymore- you're eating to fill yourself up with something. Maybe you're distracting yourself from whatever it is you don't want to face. Whether it be feelings, thoughts, situations, people- it's an escape. It's "the zone."<br />
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Then comes the guilt, the urge to GET IT OUT NOW. Sometimes I binge to purge, especially when I am feeling an extreme level of self hatred. Generally though, purging is the "problem fixer." It's your best friend when you're filled with that unique panic, when you realize how much you actually ate. It's your out from suffering the consequences, the inevitable weight gain from your binge.<br />
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No matter what though, you suffer consequences when you purge. It might not be weight gain, but it'll be dental problems, electrolyte imbalances, wreaking of vomit, bloody noses- you get the idea. But for some, those consequences are alright, as long as the number doesn't go up on the scale.<br />
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Purging does something else for me though. I feel this numbness, almost like taking a drug. I feel relaxed. It's soothing sometimes.<br />
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However, you can never do it "just once." It's a cycle and incredibly difficult to free yourself from it.<br />
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I hate bingeing and purging, but I'm still a slave to this self-destructive cycle. I have periods where I don't have those behaviors, but it's always been there, lingering, waiting for me to be vulnerable. Ever since I was 14. Nine years...I'll be free of it once day. I want that day now.<br />
<br />Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-67006755432703385882012-09-21T10:10:00.001-07:002012-09-21T10:10:15.480-07:00I HATE being sick.I've been sick the last two days with some kind of stomach flu- fever and all. Of course I get sick during one of the busiest weeks of the year for me! Thankfully, I'm feeling much better this morning which is good because the next two days are going to be crazy busy. My best friend Andi is getting married! I have the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner tonight and of course, the wedding and all that entails tomorrow.<br />
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We had so much fun Monday night, relabeling water bottles and taking sunglasses (for party favors) out of their packaging. We had wine and blasted our old favorite music, singing along just like we used to as teenagers. Those songs brought back so many memories for both of us, and the feelings that defined that time of our life. It was bittersweet, but mostly sweet ;)<br />
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I need to get out of bed. I think I'll eat some fruit and get going for the day!Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-90877574977128424672012-09-17T11:30:00.001-07:002012-09-17T13:53:40.184-07:00Oregon Wedding and Football Game<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="657400318-17092012">Hello my peeps! I hope you all had a fantastic weekend :) Mine was sure a busy one. We left early Friday morning for an 8-9hr drive down to Oregon. I drugged myself with Xanax so I don't remember most of that part haha. My parents dropped me off at the church and Rissa and I ran around helping Emilie and her bridal party with whatever they needed. We got them cheese,meat and crackers and I made them kale smoothies. I thought it didn't taste that great but they loved them so whatever! I aim to please ;) </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="657400318-17092012">The wedding was beautiful. Emilie looked stunning! The reception was a lot of fun too. I got to see a bunch of family and friends I haven't seen in awhile. I felt pretty too :) I know this sounds weird, but I actually got a lot of attention from guys and it didn't creep me out like it usually does. I actually enjoyed it! Which brings me to a topic I'm going to have to write about semperately sometime- sexual desire and eating disorders. I lost all sexual desire when I relapsed and I would say, for the first time in a long time, those feelings are coming back- STRONG. It's a bit overwhelming. Do people feel like this all the time? The thought of holding hands or kissing or even sex doesn't repel me anymore. I DESIRE it, which is a new experience for me.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="657400318-17092012">I helped pack up all the presents, drive them to Emilie's apartment, and unload them. Rissa and I were so tired and hungry by then. We drove by McDonalds and I got french fries and two apple pies. This set the tone for the rest of the weekend with my food choices. To be honest, I purged this weekend...a good deal too. I was eating a lot of foods I don't normally eat. I didn't purge every time, but I did more often than not.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="657400318-17092012">The next day, we had the Oregon Ducks football game! I've never been to a football game. At first, I was miserable. We had to walk far, I wasn't feeling well from purging breakfast twice that morning, and my anxiety level was at a 10 because I hate crowds- especially rowdy drunk men. But I got food into me that I kept- curly fries and a churro a bit late- nothing healthy since football games have nothing to offer other than grease, meat and fat. I loosened up and enjoyed the game a bit more once all my family got there. I love hanging out with my cousins so that was fun!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="657400318-17092012">I got to enjoy a coffee date with my Ashley who is going to college in Eugene. LOVE HER! We got to chat about boy problems and eating disorder struggles and victories.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="657400318-17092012">That night, we went to my cousin Collett's house and had dinner and leftover wedding cake with all the family. I primarily hung out with my little cousins and talked about superheroes and princesses all night.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="657400318-17092012">I met someone at breakfast in the hotel the Sunday morning. I'm pretty sure she has an eating disorder too, though I don't think she considers herself eating disordered. We had a really nice chat all morning and exchanged information. She seems like a worthwhile, intelligent woman I'd like to get to know!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="657400318-17092012">The drive back took FOREVER and it didn't help that I got sick. Eugene has kombucha on tap at gas stations which I got WAY too excited about! I drank 24oz of kombucha in under an hour and I ended up throwing up lunch shortly after. It felt so nice to get home. Overall, I'm glad I went. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="657400318-17092012">This next week is going to be CRAZY BUSY! Andi's wedding is this weekend and everyday I have things planned. I won't have any free time and I'm stressing out a bit. I am planning on being behavior free this entire week and truth is, I'm doing it mostly for Andi. I don't need her worrying about me. This week is all about her!!!</span></span></div>
Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-74112333158829370862012-09-14T05:44:00.000-07:002012-09-14T05:44:25.531-07:00Wedding WeekendI'm leaving for Oregon in a few minutes for my cousins and friend's wedding. I've been so busy this week I haven't had a chance to respond to anyone, either by email, youtube, or here. When I get back I will find the time, but I just wanted to let everyone know how much your support means to me. Thank you so much!<br />
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I'm off! I have so much anxiety about traveling so I'm going to drug myself with xanax ;) I WILL keep my twitter updated!!! So if you want to know what's going on during my trip, find me there- raganmae.<br />
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MUCH LOVE!Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-50616073845649853562012-09-09T20:13:00.000-07:002012-09-09T20:13:04.452-07:00OverwhelmedLately it's been easier to blog than to make a youtube video. Something about the way I sound, how I look, etc annoys me. Not to mention, I've been struggling to understand what's been going on inside my head. Explaining my thoughts and feelings on camera isn't really working when I can't even decipher them myself.<br />
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I've been doing good lately, I really have, but this weekend has been a challenge for me. There were behaviors I haven't had in awhile and I hated every second of it. I know why I had behaviors too...there's a lot going on right now. Weddings every weekend for the next few weeks, moving out drama...I have so much to do but I keep putting it off because I feel so overwhelmed right now.<br />
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One thing I HAVE learned- take one day at a time. Make a plan. Break things down so they don't seem so intimidating. So that's what I'll do.<br />
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Doesn't stop me from wishing I could run away from everything though.Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4392584407475632263.post-80570219710586654492012-09-05T17:44:00.001-07:002012-09-05T17:44:29.710-07:00Driftwood<span style="font-size: large;">I don't know where and who I am anymore. I'm not ready for love. I'm probably not going to be following through with my plans to move out now. I don't know where my life is going. I no longer have my eating disorder identity to rely on, or rather I don't have the desire to hold onto that label. I feel different towards Ed. I'm done with it.</span><div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">But who am I now? I'm lost. I know God is like, <i>"Hey, I'm over here. Are you going to come to me yet? I'm waiting." </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">But God, living for you is so hard. You ask for so much, you ask for EVERYTHING. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">God says,<i>"Well why won't you try? I ask for everything but I give you so much too. Things you would never find anywhere else. I'm worth it. I'm worth giving up everything."</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I'm scared though God. I am so scared.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: large;">"I have not given you a spirit of fear or timidity, but of power, love and self discipline." </span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">You've spoken that verse into my life in so many ways.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: large;">"I know. I figure maybe one day you'll get."</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">The problem is fears keep popping up.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: large;">"You have to keep giving them to me."</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I'll grow weary.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: large;">"I'll give you strength."</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I'm not cut out for this. What if I give you everything and you completely destroy everything?</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>"That is not who I am. Come close. You will not regret it."</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I know I won't, but the world will tell me I should regret it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>"When you choose me, the world will hate you because it hates me."</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">God, I'll try. I'll really try. How bout this. I'll give you the week. Every day I'll spend time with you. Every day I'll pray to you. I can do a week.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">"<i>That's a start."</i></span></div>
Raehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01686018469557928618noreply@blogger.com14