Negative Comments- Dec 30, 2011

My dad is making orange rolls, and in order to escape the strong desire to have behaviors, I figured I’d blog on here.

So I got this comment today on one of my YT videos from a few months ago:

“You have an eating disorder? But you’re so fat??”

I’ve only ever gotten TWO negative comments on the 80 YT videos I’ve made. People have so many encouraging things to say, so why do these two negative comments affect me so deeply? This comment only seemed to reinforce my eating disorder.

So today BEGAN well, but now I’m feeling sort of sad and hopeless. I don’t want to do anything today, but I have plans I already made and they were supposed to fun. I’m taking my 14 year old brother to exchange the Toms shoes he got for christmas. And this afternoon my friend Rissa and I are going roller skating, which I haven’t done in years! My parents will be out to dinner with friends, so I said I’d take my brother and his friend as well. Afterwards, a movie and pizza! Probably won’t eat the pizza but maybe I can build up the courage.

My dad is making orange rolls right now. FML. I wish I could have one without feeling insanely guilty. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll try.

Ed's even with you at the movies- Dec 29, 2011

I worked an early shift again today and was at work at 5pm. It was just the right amount of busy. But today I kept getting SO IRRITATED with patients! I mean, seriously. At first, I thought it was probably the patient, but once I realized this was becoming a reoccurring theme for the day, I figured it was probably me. Most likely a combination of little sleep and malnutrition because lets face it- I’ve been treating my body like shit since October. It didn’t really recovery from my last bout of anorexia before treatment. Yeah, I gained about 25 pounds in three months of treatment, but I never made it to my ideal goal weight. And i don’t think three months of proper nutrition can really fully fix the damage done of an intense year of relapse.

Today was the first purge free day in I don’t know HOW long. The key for me to get back on track seems to be doing a liquid only diet for about a week or so and increase the calorie intake. Then gradually reintroduce solid foods. The only problem with this “reset recovery button” of sorts is the increase of calories in liquid form and of course, the switch to solid foods.

Gosh, why does this have to be so COMPLICATED?! I’ll take today’s success though ;) I have a doctors appointment next week so I better shape up by then. Seriously.

After work, I had an unplanned starbucks drink while waiting for my mom to finish her scavenging at a bulk bead sale since she was my ride. She’s really into serious beading and sometimes sells some of her stuff. Despite anxiety about unplanned calories consumed, I managed to enjoy sitting there in that little sbux.

I went to see the new Mission Impossible movie with my friend Rissa at the theaters and it was so much fun! What bothered me though was no matter where I went this afternoon, I couldn’t completely separate myself from the eating disorder. The overwhelming smell of buttered popcorn, a girl I run into in the bathroom who is pretty damn thin, wondering if someone is purging while I’m in the massive bathroom as well. Having to recount calories spent on my iPhone during the movie, and recounting again in case I did it wrong the first time….

….This disorder takes SO MUCH ENERGY, which is part of the reason we like it- it gives our minds something to focus on instead of the scary shit we’re trying to forget.

Better- Dec 27, 2011

Thank you guys SO MUCH for your advice and encouragement. It means so much to me! I am feeling a lot better after I met with my dietician. She also had an urgent order sent out for my labs because she was really worried about my potassium levels being too low. Apparently, I looked quite horrible :/

I’m feeling more calm. Ate some food and that helped to I suppose ;) I work early tomorrow morning and so I’m going to bed ASAP. I’m happy today is almost over. The spaghetti dinner wasn’t so horrible either! I don’t remember if I wrote about that actually…but I ended up having baked sweet potato instead of the pasta, and I also had salad and a bread roll. Not too bad, eh?

MUCH LOVE TO ALL YOU LOVELY LADIES!

Please Tell Me It'll Be Ok- Dec 27, 2011

I’m sitting at sbux nearly having a full out panic attack. I feel like I’m at the lowest of lows and I’m so incredibly depressed. I found out we’re having a spaghetti dinner tonight and my grandparents are coming over, and that just threw me over the edge. I can’t do it, but if I admit that, the shame and guilt of disappointing everyone is overwhelming. I feel like I’m going to be swallowed up by tears threatening to escape these glassy eyes of mine. I don’t want to be here! I hate this sad place filled with despair. I hate feeling defeated. I hate feeling I’m about to lose everything.

I’m feeling too much all at once. Too much. All I want to do is run away but I can’t. I’m chained to this ship that’s being torn apart by stormy seas. It’s sinking and I’m going with it. And it’s not romantic at all. There’s no beauty in this demise. Only regret, despair, and bracing of the inevitable.

Hopeless? - Dec 26, 2011

I’ll be honest. I’m not doing good, and I’m freaking out about it. This isn’t supposed to happen!!! I’m supposed to be in recovery, starting to live life again. Yes, bumps in the road were expected but not this.

And I can’t stop. I’m trying and trying but I can’t. I used to have these dreams where something crazy would be happening and all of a sudden I couldn’t open my eyes. It was like they were glued shut. My brain would tell them to OPEN but they wouldn’t, all the while there’s something big happening around me and I’m in danger.

That’s how I feel. I’m telling my eating disorder to STOP IT, for my eyes to open and I can avoid the danger surrounding me, but I can’t. No matter how loud I scream and shout and think, I can’t open my eyes. Danger is inevitable. It’s just a matter of when.

I’m scared I’m going to lose my job. I’m scared I’m going to have to be hospitalized. I’m scared I’m going to die like this. God, please please please help me. What do I do? I feel like I can’t stop it.

All the while, my mom only opens her mouth to tell me to do something. Otherwise she’s silent- not expressing anything but disapproval. She’s sad. She’s crushed. And it’s 99.9% my eating disorders fault. I know she blames me. I know my parents think I can choose to not do behaviors, but I’m at the point where it’s not even a choice anymore. For a time, yes, I had enough of my mind to where I could choose to say no, but I’m past that. Again.

Sorry for being depressing. Sorry for being so hopeless. But I haven’t voiced these thoughts. I haven’t even put words to them till now. What do I do? I’m seeing my dietician tomorrow so maybe she can help me. I don’t know how, but maybe she can give me a little hope I can hold onto.

Cigarettes- Dec 14th, 2011

So. You guys have to understand my family dynamics before I tell you what crap went down today. My dad’s a pastor and comes from a line of pastors that goes back several generations. He also has a degree in counseling and works with a lot of alcoholics and addicts.

My parents have both never even TASTED alcohol once or smoked or done anything like that. They both waited for marriage for sex. They’re yes, practically saints according to a lot of people’s definition of sainthood.

When I was at Remuda, I would smoke with my friends who smoked. We would sneak out and smoke sometimes. I never felt addicted and never felt like I needed a cigarette for any reason. It was purely for social reasons and because we were so controlled down to not even being able to flush our own toilets, it was fun to break the rules sometimes.

Since I’ve been home these past five months, I’ve smoked three times. I had a pack in my purse that I had forgotten about and meant to get rid of it forever ago. I just forgot. WELL. My 14 year old brother decided to go through my purse for some reason while I was on a walk and he found my cigarettes. Apparently I scarred him. Not like almost dying and being hospitalized for months wasn’t scarring enough.

When I got home, boy was I in trouble. My dad went off on me, though I will say he actually didn’t full out yell at me so I suppose it could have been worse. My mom is incredibly angry with me as well. What I got from their rebuke was that I’m STUPID because only stupid people smoke, I can’t live under their roof if I’m going to be doing any addictive behavior like smoking, and well…I’m crap. I’ve ruined everyone’s lives. And apparently the cigarette business made it THAT much worse.

Could I feel worse about myself? Now I just feel like crap. ON TOP OF THAT, we had a family therapy session yesterday and I’m pretty sure the room was flooded with my tears. Nothing good seems to of come from it. I feel misunderstood by my mom. I wonder, what’s the point in even trying to express how I feel when my mom takes it the wrong way?

I feel worthless. I feel despicable. Who knew cigarettes could cause such havoc?

I'm worried.

There's a girl in my group therapy I've gotten to know outside of group. Her name is Mo and I really like her. At first, I felt incredibly competitive with her because she's literally sixty pounds. But once she opened up in group, I was able to see past her eating disorder and see her for the beautiful girl truly is...

She's 26 years old now, and has had an eating disorder since she was 8. She's been in and out of so many treatment facilities, it's ridiculous. A year ago she only weighed 46 pounds and was in and out of consciousness for months. She's improved in the past year, and her heart is really in recovery. I really like her a lot.

We've been texting and talking on the phone. She was going to come visit me at my starbucks today, but she never came. I've tried texting and calling her all day and haven't heard from her once.

I'm worried. I haven't told anyone else about how worried I am about Mo, because no one really knows about my relationship with her. But I'm scared she's in the hospital or she's died. I'm hoping her phone's just dead, or even that she's mad at me for some unknown reason and that's why she's not answering. I just want her to be okay. The thing is, I wouldn't be surprised if she's in the hospital or dead. That's probably the scariest part.

This blog is the only place I could think of to express how worried I am about my friend. I know I've been bad at keeping up with my blog, so forgive me for neglecting it. I'm ok, alive, and well enough. I'll try to blog again in the next few days.

Dear Mo, I hope you're alright. I hope I'm just paranoid.