30 DAYS BEHAVIOR FREE!!!

Yep, that's right. Today is day 30 of no eating disorder behaviors! I've had this goal for so long and reaching it seemed like an impossible dream.

Life is good. I love living independent of my family. I enjoy my job. I have a sweet boyfriend and I never want to let go of him. I'm weight restored and behavior free for the first time in years. I'm exercising and eating healthy and NORMALLY. I'm at peace with my body. I'm learning to like it's shape.

Could I be any happier?

Gym Rats

I love Saturdays. I took an extra dose of seroquel last night and slept beautifully. I woke up still in a drugged fog but it felt wonderful to be relaxed and have the sun peaking through the shades while I'm snuggled up in my feather duvet. I ate my oatmeal with dried fruit, almonds and almond milk, and had my french press coffee. I did NOT want to get out of bed and go to the gym, where I feel like a complete failure.

But I did go. It took some motivation from the boyfriend and ten minutes looking through pinterest workout motivation posts. Apparently everyone else thought going to the gym at 11am was a good idea too. There weren't any treadmills available and my YMCA is new and HUGE. I messed around on the elliptical for a few minutes to get warmed and snagged a treadmill when someone finally gave theirs up.

On both sides of me were two gym rats. You know the type. The girl on my right doing all sorts of intervals at different speeds. The one on the left was running at an insane high speed and maintaining it until her time ran out. She stopped and caught her breath for a minute and restarted the treadmill for another sixty minutes at a break-a-neck speed. I know these girls because I used to be one of them. It's like a special club. You never speak to each other but give a knowing nod whenever your eyes happen to meet. I used to walk proudly at the gym like I owned the place. 

Now I keep my head down and eyes averted from everyone in close proximity. I am ashamed. My membership to the gym rat club has expired. I no longer belong with the elite. I'm just another lumpy, out of shape, commoner. 

I had these thoughts while I was running/walking and I almost went back to my car so I could go home and mope.

It's true. I'm no longer a gym rat. I am aiming for a life of balance that extends into my exercise regime. I will most likely never be a gym rat again because it's not healthy for me. I'm learning to be okay with it too. It's just not easy to let go of the title I used to be so proud of...

Work Party

I'M ON DAY 19 OF NO BEHAVIORS!!! I made a record of 16 days behavior free on Sunday, and my reward was that I would allow myself to start working out again. I was so excited to feel better about my body again and feel STRONG. I began a six week challenge blog: http://fitandhealthysixweeks.blogspot.com

Well, if you read my latest blog on that blog, you'll know my workout plan was total fail. My body is so out of shape, it's discouraging. I want to give up and just not eat. I won't do that, but the temptation is there.

This weekend I had our work (belated) christmas party. Ryan was my date and it was so fun to dress up and feel pretty. I bought this beautiful dress a few weeks prior but was unsure if I would actually wear it. It's a form fitting sort of dress and I felt very self-conscious wearing it. Last year's work party I brought my friend Caryssa and I weighed twenty pounds less than I do now. I was so afraid of people talking behind my back saying things like,"Wow, she HAS gained a lot of weight. She is looking chubby now." 

However, I got a lot of good compliments on how I looked this year. Having Ryan there for support was great too. He thought I looked beautiful and sexy :) So I guess I can accept that. 

We had free wine and dinner and danced a bunch! Ryan came to MY work party and got a free beer, $25.00 Home Depot gift card, a huge jar full of peanut M&Ms, and a dollar bill. How did he win everything and I didn't?! RUDE. ;)

Me at last year's party:

This year's party:

Working Out Or Starving

Hello again :) I've been thinking about this blog and wanting to write something on here for some time. There's certain things I cannot voice in my day-to-day life but I can say here, and those things have been building up lately. 

I have been doing great. I have a job I enjoy, I'm not living at home anymore but with friends and LOVING it, I have a boyfriend I adore- I couldn't ask for anyone better. I've been weight restored since November and maintaining. I purge less frequently- once or twice every two weeks or so (much better than 3-6 times per DAY)...

I am loving life. The only thing I'm unhappy about is my body. I hate it so much. My stomach extends into a lumpy roundish thing, my thighs touch, my sides hang over my jeans...I have a work party tonight and a dress that's ADORABLE, but all I can see is my imperfections- a body that does not do the dress justice.

I've been having an overwhelming amount of eating disordered thoughts I don't act on, but still they linger.

My only hope right now is starting to work out again on Monday. Maybe then I'll be okay with this body at this weight. However, I'm afraid of what happens if working out fails me. It'd be so easy to go back to my eating disorder behaviors. I'll have thoughts that say, "Just don't eat this week. You'll lose a few pounds and feel better." But I want to start working out and I've learned you can't do both. I need energy to work out. Running on fumes in not enjoyable and ASKING for trouble. I've done that before. I'm either eating and working out, or not eating and not working out. It's one or the other.

These are my honest thoughts, eating disordered they may be. Still, it feels nice to get them out somewhere. 

Why I've Been Absent

I haven't blogged in awhile...the truth is I've been doing great. I have slip ups and hard days but they're happening less often. My good days are more numerous than my bad days. Every now and then, I'll check out the blogging world and what's going on in the lives of the people I follow here. It depresses me. There's so much hopelessness, and I'm all too familiar with it. Eating disorders are horrible and it breaks my heart to see my friends and those I follow give in to the lies Ed wants you to believe.

I turn off my computer feeling that same hopelessness. It still can suck me in, if I give it any attention. So that's why I haven't been on here much. I am not strong enough yet to be present here and help people...ENCOURAGE others. I want to, but I fall.

I miss all of you. I miss reading your blogs. I'm getting stronger though. I'll come back. Just wanted you lovely people to know. I am well. Weight restored for the past few weeks. I'm learning to be okay with it. I am happy.

<3 rae

Long Time, No Post!

I'm sorry I've been MIA for the past few weeks or however long it's been since I last blogged. Life has been good! I just moved out of my house this weekend into a house my best friend bought. There's three of us living there- Rissa, Bonnie (my brother's "widowed" girlfriend) and I. We've been waiting for months to move and it finally happened! At first I was incredibly stressed out, but once we really started moving my stuff and setting up my new room, excitement set in and I felt quite happy about the whole affair. There's still so much to do- there's boxes and just STUFF everywhere in the living room and kitchen. My room is pretty much all done though and it's so cute! I'll post pictures here when I get the curtains up :)

I can't remember if I told you guys, but I've been officially dating Ryan for about two weeks now. He's incredibly sweet to me and I have been freaking out less. Ever since we became official, I've become incredibly affectionate with him. I love cuddling and holding hands! We just kissed for the first time yesterday, and I'm still slightly freaked out by it as to be expected knowing me, but once I get over the fear of being completely inadequate at kissing I think I'll really enjoy it.

Eating disorder wise...I've been struggling less since I've known Ryan. Oh, I took a break from all therapy a few weeks ago. I don't think I'm going back. I am sooo much happier not going to therapy. I think I've been going for so long, it's lost it's affectiveness. Maybe if I'm not doing so hot, I'll go back, but for now I'm doing pretty good. I've gotten purging down to only 3-4 days per week, and only 1-2 per day. This might seem like a lot of behaviors to some people but believe me, it is a VAST improvement!!! I've been eating regularly as well and not skipping meals except once or twice a week. I can't wait till I get to the point where I have aboslutely no behaviors, or even just one a week. That would be a dream come true! I think the more I start to believe Ryan when he says I'm beautiful and worth something, the less I hate my body and want to do it harm.

SO there's a summary of my life currently. I'll write more later when I get the chance :) Much love to all of you!

Running Away with Faeries

My thoughts and feelings of late confound me. They're mixed and matched, contradicting and conflicting. It's easier to not feel or think. It's more desirable to lose myself in numbness and pretend this part of me does not exist.

How does a slight touch send electric shocks through my body, leaving my senses sizzling and heightened? Am I okay with this? Is it a bad feeling or a good feeling?

In a moment of blunt honesty, I voiced the truth about the current state of my eating disorder. Hearing it outloud and confessing it to another human being made reality more tangible. I feel heavy. Though I strongly desire to stop therapy sessions and other eating disorder related appointments, my frequent behaviors strongly suggest I'm not ready.

Yeats translates my current state of mind into a poetic form:

"Come away, O human child,

from the waters and the wild,

with a faery hand in hand,

for the world's more full of weeping

than you can understand."

If only I could escape with faeries. It paints a pretty picture :)