Never walking, always running

one two one two,
breathe in breathe out,
let go of every thought and just
run.

When I relapsed last April, I started to run again. I really do love running, the feeling of your body hardening, knowing you're stronger than before. I started running 3 miles five times a week, but soon that wasn't enough. I upped it to five, then six, and so on till I was usually running 10-11 miles. As I started running faster, longer, and harder, I lost the joy of running. It became a necessity. I wouldn't eat if I couldn't run off the calories. It became something I couldn't imagine living without.

I was obsessed. Obsessive exercise isn't uncommon among the eating disordered. We tend to be people who take things to the extreme. Being average isn't good enough, whether its running, sports, grades, music...weight. When we accomplish something, we hardly (if at all) feel happy about our accomplishment, because we're already thinking about our next goal.

I miss running. When friends and family tell me they're going to the gym or they've just ran x amount of miles, it's like a knife in the stomach. I'm jealous. I want to run. I want to lose myself and be freed of the thoughts constantly bombarding my mind. I want to have a break from the voice in my head that's planning my next meal and what I'm not going to eat.

But part of me is glad too...glad I have a valid reason to not run. Because I was chained to the treadmill and it came to the point where running wasn't a choice anymore. Even though my heart kind of aches, I also feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm free from the treadmill and it doesn't control me anymore.

Now if I could only be free of this stupid voice in my head telling me I'm not thin enough. Because I'm not. I'm not small enough. I want to disappear in size 00 jeans. I might as well be thirty pounds heavier again because I don't feel any different. I'm unhappy at this weight. You could tell me I'm thin, but I won't believe it because I KNOW I'm not thin enough. I wish I COULD be convinced otherwise.

I'm weary of it all.