The Unglamorous World of Eating Disorders: 2011 in Review

January: We had a leak and my Dad went on the roof to fix it. He ended up falling off the roof because it was like a sheet of ice. He fell on a cement block and was pretty banged up- had a few broken ribs too. YIKES! I remember I felt very conflicted about recovery at this point. I had some really good days and some really bad days. I ended up cutting a few times. One time, I was on a lot of ambien, severely depressed and hallucinating. I ended up cutting the side of my torso, a bit more artistically than usual.

February: My mom's current hobby was baking cakes and decorating them. She began this new little hobby of hers near the beginning of my relapse Summer 2010. I knew how much my mom needed a hobby to cope with life and also, my eating disorder. But her hobby just made my eating disorder worse, even though she tried to keep the frosting and cakes put away when I was around. I would find them or when she wasn't looking, I'd eat some or steal it away for bingeing/purging later. I felt bad because I didn't want to ask her to give up her hobby because of my eating disorder. I felt like I should be able to handle it, you know? I made a cake for my friend Nicole's birthday. It was my way of trying to connect and be OKAY around it. I never was okay around it though. Behaviors always followed.

March: My sister came to visit and she was six months pregnant! She's my best friend and I missed her so much. I felt like she was moving on in life and LIVING and I was stuck in the hell of the eating disorder. I became increasingly depressed.

April: I don't remember much of this month. My health dramatically declined. My family was supposed to go to Disneyland in May and my treatment team and parents were deciding if I was well enough to go. I REALLY wanted to go so I tried to pretend I was fine, but it was obvious I was when I almost had a heart attack. My labs were a mess and I was medically unstable. My mind couldn't think and I guess, it was probably the worst month of my life, next to the month my brother died.

May: It was decided I needed to either be hospitalized or be sent to an inpatient facility for eating disorders, since my city doesn't have much to offer for eating disorders. So instead of going to Disneyland, I went down to Arizona to Remuda Ranch. It was scary at first. I had a feeding tube for the first month. It was physically and mentally painfully as I began weight restoration. I met a lot of AMAZING girls there though and their support meant the world to me. They made my 22nd birthday so special!

June-July: I was moved to the Remuda Life Progam which is residential and you live in a house a other ED girls. They didn't do feeding tubes at RLP so I had to continue weight restoration with Ensure +, which I struggled with immensely! Also, I went from 24/7 supervision to a good deal of more freedom. I could easily purge in my bathroom at my house, and there was a plethora of food in the kitchen. I began purging again, secretly exercising, cutting, and sometimes bingeing. My depression was HORRIBLE. I was having panic attacks constantly. They upped my dosage of ProZac though and it helped so much!!! I had the best roommate ever, Hali, and though we had our ups and downs, we had fun together- singing and playing the piano, sneaking out sometimes, going to the mall, and such. I learned SO MUCH at RLP and I'm so happy I was able to be there. Though, my entire treatment team there and here agrees I left inpatient too soon. I had gained 12 pounds inpatient and 13 pounds at RLP. I was still 5 pounds away from my goal weight by the end.