I made poor choices. I thought I could ignore it. I thought I could pretend it never happened, but my body and God won't let me. For good reason.
I've been quite depressed the past two weeks. Starting my period a week ago explains a lot of it. I mean, if a person tends to be depressed already, having a period and all those crazy hormones really amplifies it. Some days it seemed unbearable. I was doing so well, being completely behavior free for four or five days at a time, maybe having behaviors for a day or two, and then another four or five days of no behaviors. I was proud of myself. This was a great victory. But with the whole PMS thing, I was thrown off my game. I've been having behaviors EVERY DAY. I started restricting again too.
So then there was yesterday. I binged and purged twice in the morning. Poor decision #1. I didn't take my meds. Poor decision #2. I literally drank no water yesterday except to purge. Poor decision #3. However, I did drink two cups of coffee and three glasses of wine. Really hydrating, I know. Poor decision #4.
I did have a GREAT time last night with my friends at Andi's house celebrating her birthday. I really did have a good time. It was the choices I made before and after that weren't so great. On my way home, I felt so full, it was distracting my driving. I pulled over into a nice neighborhood with manicured lawns and expensive cars in the driveways. I purged in one of these lawns, intending to at least find a bush. Sadly enough, some people are going to wake up today to find vomit in their front yard. Happy Father's Day. Yes, this is disgusting. Yes, I feel horrible about the whole thing. Bad decision #5.
I got home and felt weird. I knew it was time to do some damage control. I ate a banana and drank a glass of G2 and another glass of electrolyte water. Good decision #1. It was past midnight by the time I fell asleep. I woke up at 2am and knew something was wrong. I felt weird. Bad weird. I checked my heart rate and it was slow. Too slow. Two beats, a big pause, and two more beats. I panicked which always makes things worse. I felt so wrong, so wrong.
I don't know how many glasses of electrolyte water I've had throughout the night, maybe five or six. I just kept drinking water and calming myself as much as possible. My heart beat strengthened. A few times, my acid reflux was bad and I felt like it was crawling up my throat, choking me. I was too scared to fall asleep. It's 5am and I have church in a few hours. I still feel funny- dizzy, vibrating like I took too much seroquel (I didn't take any btw)....so so dizzy. I don't feel hungry at all but I'm going to go downstairs and eat something.
Why am I sharing all of this? Because I am scared. I want you all to know the REALITY of an eating disorder. The TRUTH. My blog is titled, "The Unglamorous World of Ed" for a reason. I won't be glamorizing eating disorders here, because there's nothing glamorous about it.
I need to get out of this rut. I need healing. I feel like I want to give up, like it'll never change, like I'm going to die from this Ed. BUT I REFUSE. I can't give up because God has so much planned for my life. I have things to do, people to love. Jesus, help me. I need your help. I NEED YOU.
Eating disorders - why do they fool you into thinking you're recovered or doing well so they can give you a nasty reminder shortly after that they're always waiting to get you? Big time. It's one heck of a mental mash-up in our heads that just will not give us a break!!! They suck. I'm sorry you've had a rough few days. My therapist and dietitian told me to up my calories to a 'huge' amount, I told them I'd just end up losing control even worse but they said gaining some weight was what I needed to stop the binge/purge episodes. Guess what. It didn't work. Because of the mental battle swimming round in my head and all k want to do now is purge purge purge.
ReplyDeleteThere has to be a point we can ALL reach a full recovery though. It's just having that strength to push ourselves no matter what hurdles we fall over. You can do it, I can do it, and anyone can, I KNOW it. This is no way to live and totally UNGLAMOUROUS, just as you said.
Good luck and keep praying :) x
EDs are in fact unglamorous and recovering is fricken hard. I hope that when you are tempted to use behaviors again you will remember this and maybe next time you will make fewer "bad" choices..... Going days without behaviors is pretty awesome though, and I hope you are able to see that.
ReplyDeleteso sorry you're having a rough time, but that doesn't take away from the success you've had. ed's are unglamorous, yes. recovery can be just as ugly at times. everyone whose in recovery has had slip ups, especially in the early stages, sometimes they're only for a few hours others a few weeks. sometimes the trigger is obvious, others not so much. good times can be a trigger; you don't feel worthy or you just aren't used to it so the crap of being in your disorder. but you know how to get back on track. i don't want to discourage you, but even after 2 years of recovery, i know that if i don't check in with myself and watch my thoughts/behaviors, that jerk ed voice will creep right in and try to take over. it's not part of my day to day life anymore, but i still have times where i have to tell myself something like "whoa! wait a minute, just because _____ doesn't mean i should hurt myself. what would that accomplish?" and try to find a distraction. nobody's perfect, despite what the ed tell us, we are not amazing or the scum of the earth. you can get back up from this.
ReplyDeletealso, you mentioned that you're period plays a big role in your slip ups. have you considered going on birth control? i had the same kinds of problems and finally decided to talk to my doctor. i wish i would have done it so much sooner. helped so much with my mood, my skin, and did not cause me to gain weight (fear of which was a big reason i didn't go on it before).
i've seen a lot of girls struggle. i can't quite put my finger on why some of us recover while others don't, but i think you've got what it takes. you probably don't believe me; i didn't when i was told the same thing. set small attainable goals and reward yourself when you achieve them.
don't let this hold you back and keep up the good work. it only gets better.
this post touched me so much. Your honesty makes us all feel less alone! You can do this though, honey, just in God's strength as opposed to your own. Ephesians 3:20 "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us' :) praying for you xxxxx
ReplyDeleteHey, I've just found your blog and can relate a lot. I have anorexia/bulimia and am also a recovering drug addict. I write about the ugly truth of eating disorders too but eds are so cunning and sneaky, they seduce into thinking what we are doing is romantic and glamorous, what is glamorous about vomit hitting you in the face as it splashes in to the toilet? I'll look forward to reading more xxx
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