My thoughts and feelings of late confound me. They're mixed and matched, contradicting and conflicting. It's easier to not feel or think. It's more desirable to lose myself in numbness and pretend this part of me does not exist.
How does a slight touch send electric shocks through my body, leaving my senses sizzling and heightened? Am I okay with this? Is it a bad feeling or a good feeling?
In a moment of blunt honesty, I voiced the truth about the current state of my eating disorder. Hearing it outloud and confessing it to another human being made reality more tangible. I feel heavy. Though I strongly desire to stop therapy sessions and other eating disorder related appointments, my frequent behaviors strongly suggest I'm not ready.
Yeats translates my current state of mind into a poetic form:
"Come away, O human child,
from the waters and the wild,
with a faery hand in hand,
for the world's more full of weeping
than you can understand."
If only I could escape with faeries. It paints a pretty picture :)
Oh, dear Danilee,
ReplyDeletePlease don't pull yourself away from the support that you need to sort this out. With your past experiences, I imagine this is thrilling and terrifying and leads to doubt and joy and maybe (misplaced) guilt and much confusion.
Try to take care of yourself, I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm with you, on the numbness. I think I'm losing it, my mind is oo98wrbfosih98gbiksefbii8se7ob mush. I seriously wonder how I'm still going, but somehow I'm making it. That's a really nice poem btw. Maybe I should go read some poetry.
ReplyDelete<3
I'm not sure this really pertains to what you were talking about, but some times contradictions are good. For instance you cannot feel electric or alive without first experiencing numbness, and to become numb we need to feel. -they are complete opposite but both need each other to exist.
ReplyDeleteanyways "keep fighting the good fight" xx
I completely understand... I'm involved in a whirl of ED related appointments and I just want to drop off the face of the earth and not deal with any of them. But it doesn't work that way.
ReplyDeletebeautiful piece of poetry! I have recently become a regular visitor to your blog and i have to say that after reading some of your earlier posts i see a great amount of growth. keep at it, something that helped me was this website: http://www.justsayyes.org/topics/self-image-media-influences/
ReplyDeleteHi Regamae,
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to you but may I remind you that there are always good and bad times. Which is confusing is the fact that we dont understand why we have the mood swings at these certain times because it is so unpredictable. I often find it hard to accept my lethagy and I miss my emotions although it seems impossible to be strong and try to search for the cause of my numbness.
I like your poem a lot and hope that you find the courage to open yourself up. Sometimes, at night, right before going to sleep, I begin to be fully honest to myself and I found it helpful to use these minutes to think about my current state but without judging. Its rather forgiving myself for being stuck in my mind and looking forward to the next day.
I love reading your post so keep them coming.
Do you know what is interesting to me? Sometimes you speak about the intense feelings you are having and then, there are times you dont seem able to feel at all. I hate how we shut ourselves out to run away from the pain and the fear and the anxiety that normally proofs that we were right in the belief that we better stop letting the hormones take over. I guess, we are all longing for feeling secure instead of valueless, embarrassed, uncomfortable or antsy.
You are really talented to put the strange phases of many of us into your words and Im gratefull that I wont get the impression that Im alone in being so weird and complicated anymore.
Thanks.
Eva L.
I read your post but honestly I dont know what to saay. Just dont give up on your recovery. Dont cancel appointments. Ill be back when I feel better with better things to write, stay strong. gegenmia.blogspot.com
ReplyDeletestay positive :) xxx best wishes <3
ReplyDeleteHey sweetie, havnt heard from you in a while and am a little worried. Hope you're ok
ReplyDelete<3 Claire
My name is Andi (short for Andrea) and I've been struggling with bulimia for a while now. I've been offered outpatient treatment and I just wanted to say that watching your videos and reading your blog have inspired me to accept it, rather than deny it like I wanted to. I admire how hard you've worked, I admire how kind and friendly and open you are and I admire how you admit that it's not easy. I do want to get better. I'm really scared and it's hard to imagine a life where I don't engage in my eating disorder as a coping mechanism... but I'm really going to give it my all. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteMy best friend's name is Andi (short for Andrea) and she struggles with bulimia too! Keep fighting girl. I know how discouraging it can get but I promise you, it's worth the fight!
DeleteYou make me feel less alone. Thank you for that.
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