Running Away with Faeries

My thoughts and feelings of late confound me. They're mixed and matched, contradicting and conflicting. It's easier to not feel or think. It's more desirable to lose myself in numbness and pretend this part of me does not exist.

How does a slight touch send electric shocks through my body, leaving my senses sizzling and heightened? Am I okay with this? Is it a bad feeling or a good feeling?

In a moment of blunt honesty, I voiced the truth about the current state of my eating disorder. Hearing it outloud and confessing it to another human being made reality more tangible. I feel heavy. Though I strongly desire to stop therapy sessions and other eating disorder related appointments, my frequent behaviors strongly suggest I'm not ready.

Yeats translates my current state of mind into a poetic form:

"Come away, O human child,

from the waters and the wild,

with a faery hand in hand,

for the world's more full of weeping

than you can understand."

If only I could escape with faeries. It paints a pretty picture :)

Sick and Down

I stayed home from work sick today with a sinus infection cold thingy. I tried to do some things around the house so I don't feel too lazy. After I cleaned my room, sheets, and laundry I took a nice hot bath. People underestimate the power of hot water+Bath and Body Works soap and lotion afterwords.

I still feel dirty. I can't clean away the guilt and self hatred I feel towards myself. I messed up at work on Monday- made multiple mistakes. I was training and not being as careful as I should have been. On top of that, I had to take today off and I feel bad for putting my coworkers one (wo)man down. All of this only confirms those fears I've been trying so hard to keep at bay.

I am a failure. I'm going to lose my job because I'm a failure. I'm not cut out for this job. I am fat. I am ugly. I am worthless.

Being home alone hasn't helped anything. I've not had much to distract me from these thoughts and feelings. I'm trying to stay positive, but when I'm sick and feeling horrible about myself, it's hard to believe in self affirmations.

I've been half wanting to make a video but can't seem to sit in front of a camera for long. All I end up doing is critiquing myself.

This last weekend was fun though. I hung out with Ryan a lot and my girlfriends too. Saw a kids musical production of Dr. Doolittle with my grandma and little cousins. Firstly, I hate talking animals. I always have hated talking animals. Cinderella was always my least favorite princess because she had way too many talking animals around her. I know, I sound horrible but it's the facts. Dr. Doolittle is ALL about talking animals and furthermore, THE MUSICAL WAS THREE HOURS LONG! Who in their right mind would have a kids play about talking animals last so long? I thought I was going to die. Six year old Maddie kept shaking me whenever I tried to fall asleep. She was very concerned that I didn't miss a minute of Dr. Doolittle.

Pure torture.

On a happier note, I GOT MY IPHONE 5! Woot woot :)

Coffeeshop Boy

I've been hanging out at this cute little french bakery/coffee shop called La Petit Chat. It's such a cute little place and a legit bakery so it has so many yummy treats I like to splurge on every so often. There almond croissant so flaky and delicious and my "go-to" is the sticky oat bran muffin. I've been here for a couple of hours now, sipping some tea and alternating between reading poetry and writing letters to friend.

Just a second a go, a guy who works here dropped a note off. It said that he would ask me in person, but didn't think his boss would approve. He asked me to go out tomorrow night and gave me his number. I'm incredibly flattered!!! I thought we had one of those "clicks." I think he's cute. His little nephew and niece have come by to say hello and he's great with them. PLUS, he went to ORU so he watches the Ducks. So what's stopping me from giving a big resounding yes to his question??

Ryan. I like Ryan. I'm liking him more and more. I don't know about romantically, but I'm definitely heading in that direction. And I know he's hoping for something more with me eventually. Furthermore, Ryan is so understanding, sweet, and patient with me. I can't imagine someone who could be any better than that. Thing is, we are not dating. I could technically just go out with this coffeeshop guy. I want to actually. I think it would be fun and I want to branch out. The main thing stopping me is I KNOW it would hurt him. I don't want to hurt him or play games or anything like that. 

So I told the coffeeshop guy (he does have a name- Taylor) I think he's cute and I'm flattered, but I'm in a weird place relationally. I'm not dating but I'm not in the place to go there either. If he wants to get to know each other as friends, then cool. If not, we can leave it at that and just be polite strangers. I don't know if he's seen the message yet- I mean he's working right now. But I'll let you know how he responds.

MY LIFE. I'm really flattered though. To be seen as someone desirable? By legitimately nice guys who aren't just trying to sleep with me? Yeah, that makes me happy.

 

New Job

I'm starting my new job tomorrow. Let me explain- I had a different, seemingly less permanent position at work for the last year. Someone just retired last Friday and I'm taking her position. I used to be a floater and work everyone's job on their day off. Now, someone else is the floater and I finally have my own desk! I cleaned and reorganized it friday and put up pictures I brought from home. Doing this made it more real for me.

My anxiety and fears are overwhelming me now. Tomorrow is my first day doing this job not as a floater. I'm feeling inept. Can I really do this job? As a floater, I just did the basics of the job, but now there's all the little things that DeeDee's job entails and now I'm the one expected to do them. Can I live up to those expectations?

I'm so afraid of failing and letting other people down.

On top of all that, I'm trying to navigate my way through all of my boy issues. How confusing and triggering.

No Moderation

Since my life has been a whirlwind of weddings, getting ready to move out, and other social activities, I was planning on this week being a mellow one. Somehow though, I found myself committing to little things here and there. I realized yesterday how my low-key week has turned into another very busy week.

 

I'm beginning to feel stressed about everything. I love my friends and family. I WANT to hang out with them. But I need some alone time too. Seems like I won't be getting much of it for awhile.

 

Amazingly enough, I haven't binged or purged in four days. I struggled with purging last week so I'm proud of myself for getting back on track.

 

I think I'm PMSing. I'm easily irritable and I snap at people, especially my parents, with absolutely no good reason. I ended up calling my mom yesterday to apologize for my moodiness.

 

On a slightly lighter note, I've been overdosing on beets. My mom got fresh picked beets this weekend and boiled them. I've literally been having about 5 large beets every day. TMI: My urine and poo are red, purple, or pink. I'm taking this as a definite sign I need to back off the beets, which won't be too difficult. I'm sick of them already. That's my problem- I don't know how to moderate. When I like something, I have A LOT of it. Then I can't stand even the thought of eating/drinking it for a few years at least. This has happened to me for years with pears, oranges, bananas, yogurt, vodka (more recent haha), peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, etc. The list goes on and on. It took me 11 years to finally eat a PB & J sandwich again!!!

 

Anyways, back to work. Just wanted to vent a little and check in ;)

lil update on life

The weekend could not of been more welcome. I had a fun time last night going to dinner at a vegan/vegetarian restaurant and seeing Pitch Perfect with a friend! Her lame ass long distance boyfriend has been cheating on her so girl time was much needed for both of us.

I drugged myself with an extra dosage of seroquel last night and just woke up. I'm meeting a friend at a local bakery/coffee shop so that'll be fun!

I'm doing okay. Kind of hanging in there right now. Moving out and boy stuff is stressing me out a bit, but I'll be alright.

The Anatomy of a Binge/Purge

Binges can happen for several reasons.

1. You're emotionally distraught. You might be stressed, angry, tired, anxious.
2. You're malnourished. You can be any weight, even obese, and be malnourished. You're body is in a place where it will override your willpower because it wants to survive.
3. You're bored.

Sometimes, you've already decided you're going to binge and purge before you even begin. Other times, you don't even see it coming. There's an invisible line and if you eat something that crosses that line, that's it- you HAVE to binge/purge.

During a binge, you're in the zone. I've been thinking about it, and I'm not sure you feel happy or sad or feel anything at all. At first, you taste the food you're eating and you might think it's delicious. But there's definitely a point where you stop tasting it. You're not eating for taste anymore- you're eating to fill yourself up with something. Maybe you're distracting yourself from whatever it is you don't want to face. Whether it be feelings, thoughts, situations, people- it's an escape. It's "the zone."

Then comes the guilt, the urge to GET IT OUT NOW. Sometimes I binge to purge, especially when I am feeling an extreme level of self hatred. Generally though, purging is the "problem fixer." It's your best friend when you're filled with that unique panic, when you realize how much you actually ate. It's your out from suffering the consequences, the inevitable weight gain from your binge.

No matter what though, you suffer consequences when you purge. It might not be weight gain, but it'll be dental problems, electrolyte imbalances, wreaking of vomit, bloody noses- you get the idea. But for some, those consequences are alright, as long as the number doesn't go up on the scale.

Purging does something else for me though. I feel this numbness, almost like taking a drug. I feel relaxed. It's soothing sometimes.

However, you can never do it "just once." It's a cycle and incredibly difficult to free yourself from it.

I hate bingeing and purging, but I'm still a slave to this self-destructive cycle. I have periods where I don't have those behaviors, but it's always been there, lingering, waiting for me to be vulnerable. Ever since I was 14. Nine years...I'll be free of it once day. I want that day now.