The Anatomy of a Binge/Purge

Binges can happen for several reasons.

1. You're emotionally distraught. You might be stressed, angry, tired, anxious.
2. You're malnourished. You can be any weight, even obese, and be malnourished. You're body is in a place where it will override your willpower because it wants to survive.
3. You're bored.

Sometimes, you've already decided you're going to binge and purge before you even begin. Other times, you don't even see it coming. There's an invisible line and if you eat something that crosses that line, that's it- you HAVE to binge/purge.

During a binge, you're in the zone. I've been thinking about it, and I'm not sure you feel happy or sad or feel anything at all. At first, you taste the food you're eating and you might think it's delicious. But there's definitely a point where you stop tasting it. You're not eating for taste anymore- you're eating to fill yourself up with something. Maybe you're distracting yourself from whatever it is you don't want to face. Whether it be feelings, thoughts, situations, people- it's an escape. It's "the zone."

Then comes the guilt, the urge to GET IT OUT NOW. Sometimes I binge to purge, especially when I am feeling an extreme level of self hatred. Generally though, purging is the "problem fixer." It's your best friend when you're filled with that unique panic, when you realize how much you actually ate. It's your out from suffering the consequences, the inevitable weight gain from your binge.

No matter what though, you suffer consequences when you purge. It might not be weight gain, but it'll be dental problems, electrolyte imbalances, wreaking of vomit, bloody noses- you get the idea. But for some, those consequences are alright, as long as the number doesn't go up on the scale.

Purging does something else for me though. I feel this numbness, almost like taking a drug. I feel relaxed. It's soothing sometimes.

However, you can never do it "just once." It's a cycle and incredibly difficult to free yourself from it.

I hate bingeing and purging, but I'm still a slave to this self-destructive cycle. I have periods where I don't have those behaviors, but it's always been there, lingering, waiting for me to be vulnerable. Ever since I was 14. Nine years...I'll be free of it once day. I want that day now.