There are many words I could use to describe my relationship with food. "Normal" isn't one of them. Of course, there's those people (whom I'm not particulary fond of) who would say there's no such thing as a normal relationship with food, but I beg to differ.
A normal relationship with food implies you eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full. You don't restrict or eat insanely large amounts of food at one time, and you don't make yourself sick (especially not multiple times a day). Most of all, you aren't afraid of food.
Sometimes I'll think to myself "JUST EAT." I'm sure my family and friends have had those thoughts for me many times. I desperately wish it was that simple, and all I had to do was "just eat" and no longer will I be eating disordered.
Some days, I'll plan to eat like a normal person. No bingeing, no purging, no restricting. But I can't ever attain normalcy and trying only makes me increasingly frustrated. I hate I can't be normal. I hate feeling out of control. I especially hate seeing silent disappointment and sadness in my mom's eyes when she looks at me.
I have an urge to scream and shout and cry and stomp my feet, directed at no one in particular. I just want someone, anyone, to know how frustrated and angry I feel because I can't seem to function at such a basic level as eating food for survival.
I know your frustration, but this can be beaten. If you want to cry and scream, do it! I remember countless times picking up a pillow and having a good scream into it. I still cry plenty if I need to. It's good to let out those emotions, because emotions are what fuel our disorders. By letting out all that tension in a tantrum you use your adrenaline and your ED isn't as effective in getting you worked up. Of course, it's not something to make a habit of, but I remember it being very effective at the start of my treatment (which I didn't want) last year.
ReplyDeleteStop blaming yourself for the ED. It doesn't make you any less of a person, the fact you're getting through it makes you strong. I know it's easy to feel guilty, but you shouldn't, you have enough grief with the disorder itself. x