I was a bit nervous to see Viv today, since I haven't seen her in two weeks and she had no idea about my veganism. Her opinion greatly matters to me and I know someone in the middle of an eating disorder relapse saying they've gone vegan comes across as a red flag. I walked in ready to defend myself, and I think that automatically put Viv on edge.
I first had her read my food journal before I explained the change. I don't think we've ever had such an...interesting session before. Her reaction was confusing to me. She was a bit skeptical and still is I think, but she did acknowledge how it's been successful in reducing behaviors and increasing caloric intake. We were a bit...clashy?? Viv said herself she didn't know why she was so on edge about it all, but promised to think about it. She said she thinks it's because of how OCD and "rigid" I sounded.
She agreed it would be a good idea to do this for another week. I'm supposed to focus on my protein intake, since it isn't enough apparently. She brought out her calculator and did all this math to figure out how much protein, carbs, and fat I should be getting a day for my height/weight.
Protein: 70-80 grams
Fat: 65 grams
Carbohydrates: >200 grams
I thought I only needed 43 grams of protein! I'm glad I'm making this big dietary change with a dietician! I was also convinced I was having too much fat in my diet, so she asked me to show her in my food journal what I've eaten that has a good source of fat. Haha...kind of made a fool of myself. When it's just me, Ed is really good of convincing me I've had way too much fat, calories, you get it. Viv pointed out I was definitely not getting enough fat in my diet, and that's one reason why she thinks I ended up bingeing/purging Sunday (not to mention feeling emotionally down and being off my prozac for four days).
Today has been GREAT though! I'm feeling good and had a semi-productive day :) Thank you all for your comments and support. It's helped me SO SO MUCH!!!
that sounds like a pretty good appointment to me! here's to hoping you make the right decision on your road to recovery <3 :)
ReplyDeleteSounds like it went well! Glad you got some good information. You are doing great! Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteI have been following your little vegan experiment for the last few days/week and I too was worried for you at first. I can see how your dietitian is worried about your rigid thinking pattern styles. I am really really glad that you are eating though and that you feel god and proud of yourself. I can totally understand how you feel. Since going up to 60mg of Prozac I have been doing extremely well for me, eating regularly and balanced. But the problem lies in that I am still eating only diet foods and 'safe' foods. Its like a catch 22 isn't it. You want to do well, but to do well you have to set little rules, but the rules lead to ED thoughts and so on so forth. I do hope that you take care and continue to improve. Well done on doing so well. x
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy you have a dietician that will work with you. I am really struggling with wanting to make a decision to try a vegan diet but my dietician wouldn't even work with me on a trial basis. Thankfully my therapist is willing to work with me for a few months as I figure out what is fueling this desire. I wish you the best! You seem so happy. It was nice to see that spark back in your eyes! Take care Deb
ReplyDeleteI haven't had behaviours in over 3 months. I then read your blog and how now relapsed. I think you should be more careful about what you post and how you write about it as it can be very triggering.
ReplyDeleteTo anonymous:
DeleteYou should know that any time you read ANYTHING eating disorder related, you should proceed with caution. If you are that vulnerable, you shouldn't be searching the internet for ED blogs to read PERIOD - recovery blogs or otherwise.
How dare you blame this ONE person who is pro-recovery for causing your relapse. A single blog alone does not make a person give up three months of being behavior free. With this being said, you need to step back and analyze what's really going on inside of YOU to have made this blog seem like the straw that broke your camel's back.
This is RAE's space to vent both her ups AND her downs while connecting with others who understand to gain some support. She has a right to document and express her emotions and circumstances however she needs to to keep herself healthy. Reading was YOUR choice. If you couldn't handle it, you shouldn't have read past this first entry.
You don't have to support her, but don't blame her for your relapse just by documenting her RECOVERY because comments like this are what can help trigger a relapse in someone else. This comment to her will probably feel like the equivalent of what her blog supposedly is to you. She is making considerable progress towards getting well, sharing that with a lot of people, and inspiring them along the way.
You need to protect yourself and stay away from things like this. But, if you can't or simply won't do that, then at least work on finding healthy ways to deal with triggers. It's not Rae's fault.
I hope you get back on track.
I am sorry you relapsed. PLEASE take care of yourself and be your own advocate! If you are feeling volunerable don't read ed related blogs.
DeleteMake a list of triggers and put on there "reading blogs from people who are in the recovery process."
Rae is going through the recovery process-she makes it very clear that she is NOT recovered.
If you truly suffer from an eating disorder then you know that people have setbacks. It's not all rainbows and sunshine.
Her words did not cause your setback.
You could have stopped reading, but you didn't. You and your ED kept on reading... and now your ED is trying to deflect the blame.
I honestly think that whatever is working for you right now is worth trying. I mean, you couldn't possibly be doing MORE harm to your body this way...so I'm not exactly sure why it would be negative. I'm sure my dietician would be a bit skeptical if I told her I wanted to go vegan, but that's because she would know that it would mean just another way of hiding my eating disorder just based on where I'm at right now. I support you 100%.
ReplyDeleteAnd @anonymous its not HER fault that she wrote it,you read it and were triggered. You knew its an eating disorder based blog, so it might be triggering to some people. I personally find it encouraging to know I'm not alone in this.
RAE,
ReplyDeleteYou rock!!!!! You are so brave for sharing your blog and the whole recovery process with everyone.
Don't ever stop, and don't let people bring you down. They are going through this too and were all in different stages.
hugs