Ed's so sneaky. He's been trying to slip through the cracks of my defenses and take control again. I've been feeling so down the past few days. I feel like no one likes me, something is wrong with me, I can't do anything right, I'm ugly, no one would care if I ceased to exist...I've been dwelling on these thoughts, marinating in their poison. This isn't the way to live. I'm focusing on thoughts and feelings that are only self-defeating. I can't learn and move on from my mistakes and acknowledge my successes when I'm in this frame of mind.
So Ed, if you're reading this, pay close attention: I am not a failure. I am loved. I would be missed if I ceased to exist. I like to eat. I ENJOY food and nothing is wrong with that. I'm more than a number. My worth does not depend if my thighs touch or not. I don't have to purge. I have a choice. Just because I ate more than I planned does not automatically mean you can have your way with me.
Sometimes, like right now, I have a hard time believing these things are true. But I'll hold onto them. I'll make them my mantra. Because the alternative is only going to keep me imprisoned in a world of black and white, of existing and not living, a world in which I don't belong.
I am colorful. I am unique. I am me.
You are preserving, overcoming and victorious! Keep up the hard work! You are not alone! Love you girl much! Jodi
ReplyDeleteI also care about you, think you are beautiful and simply adore you. I love reading your posts and you inspire me with each word. You are a fantastic being full of wonderful talents. Together we will get through this bloody disorder! xxx Andy
ReplyDeleteKeep it going, girl. I loved to see how the whole vegan thing pushed you forward. I went vegetarian a little while ago and also considered going vegan, seeing how it motivated you. I realised, though, that for me being vegan would be my eating disorder talking and I wouldn't keep it up on a healthy basis. Don't let the bad thoughts get the better of you and remember, you may enjoy food. There really is nothing wrong with that, everybody may. have a good day
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