Hello my peeps! I hope you all had a fantastic weekend :) Mine was sure a busy one. We left early Friday morning for an 8-9hr drive down to Oregon. I drugged myself with Xanax so I don't remember most of that part haha. My parents dropped me off at the church and Rissa and I ran around helping Emilie and her bridal party with whatever they needed. We got them cheese,meat and crackers and I made them kale smoothies. I thought it didn't taste that great but they loved them so whatever! I aim to please ;)
The wedding was beautiful. Emilie looked stunning! The reception was a lot of fun too. I got to see a bunch of family and friends I haven't seen in awhile. I felt pretty too :) I know this sounds weird, but I actually got a lot of attention from guys and it didn't creep me out like it usually does. I actually enjoyed it! Which brings me to a topic I'm going to have to write about semperately sometime- sexual desire and eating disorders. I lost all sexual desire when I relapsed and I would say, for the first time in a long time, those feelings are coming back- STRONG. It's a bit overwhelming. Do people feel like this all the time? The thought of holding hands or kissing or even sex doesn't repel me anymore. I DESIRE it, which is a new experience for me.
I helped pack up all the presents, drive them to Emilie's apartment, and unload them. Rissa and I were so tired and hungry by then. We drove by McDonalds and I got french fries and two apple pies. This set the tone for the rest of the weekend with my food choices. To be honest, I purged this weekend...a good deal too. I was eating a lot of foods I don't normally eat. I didn't purge every time, but I did more often than not.
The next day, we had the Oregon Ducks football game! I've never been to a football game. At first, I was miserable. We had to walk far, I wasn't feeling well from purging breakfast twice that morning, and my anxiety level was at a 10 because I hate crowds- especially rowdy drunk men. But I got food into me that I kept- curly fries and a churro a bit late- nothing healthy since football games have nothing to offer other than grease, meat and fat. I loosened up and enjoyed the game a bit more once all my family got there. I love hanging out with my cousins so that was fun!
I got to enjoy a coffee date with my Ashley who is going to college in Eugene. LOVE HER! We got to chat about boy problems and eating disorder struggles and victories.
That night, we went to my cousin Collett's house and had dinner and leftover wedding cake with all the family. I primarily hung out with my little cousins and talked about superheroes and princesses all night.
I met someone at breakfast in the hotel the Sunday morning. I'm pretty sure she has an eating disorder too, though I don't think she considers herself eating disordered. We had a really nice chat all morning and exchanged information. She seems like a worthwhile, intelligent woman I'd like to get to know!
The drive back took FOREVER and it didn't help that I got sick. Eugene has kombucha on tap at gas stations which I got WAY too excited about! I drank 24oz of kombucha in under an hour and I ended up throwing up lunch shortly after. It felt so nice to get home. Overall, I'm glad I went.
This next week is going to be CRAZY BUSY! Andi's wedding is this weekend and everyday I have things planned. I won't have any free time and I'm stressing out a bit. I am planning on being behavior free this entire week and truth is, I'm doing it mostly for Andi. I don't need her worrying about me. This week is all about her!!!
I'm glad you had a good weekend even if bulimia did make an appearance.
ReplyDeleteIt's so important to keep living our lives and not let our eating disorders dictate what we do.
I say this but unfortunately I let mine dictate too much.
I think sex and eating disorders is a really valid topic. I know part of my eating disorder was not wanting to grow up and that meant shunning anything to do with the adult world, including sex.
Take care x
I ate dinner tonight (all 398 cals) and was determined to keep it down but knowing it was inside me made me very nauseous. It's very difficult but it is possible, I hope it gets easier for you.
ReplyDeleteI ate dinner tonight (all 398 cals) and was determined to keep it down but knowing it was inside me made me very nauseous. It's very difficult but it is possible, I hope it gets easier for you.
ReplyDeleteI've only recently found your blog and you tube videos. They give me something to do when I'm struggling horribly. You have such an awesome vulnerability and honesty when you write and talk... it's nice to know that you're not alone in the terrible world of disordered eating. I have my own blog that I've recently started. If you're interested take a look :)It's called Existing in a masquerade. http://existinginamasquerade.blogspot.com.au/
ReplyDeleteMy interest in sex and intimacy seriously decreased as my eating disorder worsened and my depression got deeper. I think it's highly due to the lack of self-esteem, and the lack of energy. You simply lose the will to do anything. Especially with others, and especially if it means showing off your body...
ReplyDeleteGlad you had a good weekend and your sex drive is back. It's healthy for you!!!
Ebba x
I totally agree about the whole sexual desire thing. It came back when my ED management was smooth-sailing, but I'm losing it again now that I'm sort of relapsing.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, one step at a time. I just hope that this week, no, this day will go well for you, Rae! No worrying about tomorrow. Just live this moment the best way we can. Breathe.
I occasionally binge on sex and physical/emotional affections and at others I avoid it all together like the plague ... but it it has a lot less to do with my emotions the way that food does. ... there is not always a correlation
ReplyDelete