I was recently inspired by someone else's blog to make a list of my favorite snack ideas! Maybe it might inspire you to try something new too!
banana+peanut butter
apple+almond butter
greek yogurt+frozen berries
mushrooms+hummus
apple sliced+cinnamon heated in microwave for 2 min
chocolate/vanilla pudding+graham crackers
yogurt covered pretzels
GORP (craisins, peanuts, and yogurt-covered raisins)
hot chocolate+toast
toast+peanut butter+honey
crackers+cheese
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Falling by The Civil Wars
I had to make some boundaries today with a dear friend. She's also eating disordered but dead set on her goal weight and doesn't want recovery, whereas I am trying to focus on recovery. We're heading in two different directions and talking on a daily basis isn't working. There's nothing I can say to stop her and when she tries to encourage me, I can't take her seriously because I know she doesn't believe it herself. It's not fun to tell someone you love you can't talk to them for a time.
Anyways, I almost feel like I just broke up with my (nonexistent) boyfriend. Music helps me FEEL things, so this song in particular has helped express my feelings about this situation. It's a beautiful song and I really encourage you guys to look it up on YT or something!
"Falling"
Haven't you seen me sleep walking?
'Cause I've been holding your hand
Haven't you noticed me drifting?
Oh, let me tell you, I am
Tell me it's nothing
Try to convince me
That I'm not drowning
Oh let me tell you, I am
Please, please tell me you know
I've got to let you go
I can't help falling
Out of love with you
Why am I feeling so guilty?
Why am I holding my breath?
Worry 'bout everyone but me
I just keep losing myself
Tell me it's nothing
Try to convince me
That I'm not drowning
Oh let me tell you, I am
Please, please tell me you know
I've got to let you go
I can't help falling
Out of love with you
Won't you read my mind?
Don't you let me lie here
And die here
Please, please tell me you know
I've got to let you go
I can't help falling
Out of love with you
Haven't you noticed?
I'm sleepwalking
Hot N' Cold
It seems amazing spectacular days are almost always followed by incredibly lowest of lows days. Why I thought today would be an exception, I don't know.
I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning. Bad idea. When you are usually purging 3-6/day and one day you eat like a normal person and don't throw it up, it naturally follows the scale will show it's gone up two pounds or so, since the body holds onto fluid, etc. I SHOULD KNOW THIS BY NOW. But no, I had to get on that stupid scale. Furthermore, I had a doctors appointment and the nurse who did my vitals wasn't the usual nurse. She weighed me and this time I'd also eaten and had my morning coffee. Seeing an even HIGHER number freaked me out. Logically I know there's no way I could have gained x pounds in one day, especially when my total caloric intake is around y right now (as I'm building it up).
Why do numbers dictate whether the day is going to be a good day or a bad day?
Boo! I want to throw a pity party for myself. I went on a walk and that helped but as you can tell by the picture, I look pretty dreary.
Monday, January 2, 2012
An Amazing Day!
Nothing special happened, but today turned out to be the best day I've had in quite a long time! I slept in which felt glorious. Last night I was fighting with my eating disorder about what today was going to look like. Ed wanted me to go on a 4 hour long walk, not eat anything but my two cups of coffee with cream (which isn't food).
I ended up cleaning my room, played around with my make-up too!
I made a YouTube video about my New Years Resolutions this year, read a book, went on a beautiful LONG walk...ahhh so nice! Plus, I've eaten throughout the day and haven't purged. I haven't felt this good in a LONG time. It's nice :) Especially after a particularly rough day yesterday.
The only appointment I have this week is a doctor's appointment tomorrow. My therapist is out of town and I cancelled my appointment with my dietician Viv. She was actually cool with it. I explained to her that I'm actually doing really good and I need a break from appointments. I would cancel my doctors appointment as well, but it's been two months since I've been and I'm supposed to have an appointment every month.
I was nervous for my doctor's appointment because I have lost a little weight, but I think it'll be okay. I mean, it's only a couple pounds and with all my clothes on + breakfast + coffee, I don't think it'll show.
I FEEL SO GOOD! Can I just say I LOVE to feel happy and content? :)
I ended up cleaning my room, played around with my make-up too!
I made a YouTube video about my New Years Resolutions this year, read a book, went on a beautiful LONG walk...ahhh so nice! Plus, I've eaten throughout the day and haven't purged. I haven't felt this good in a LONG time. It's nice :) Especially after a particularly rough day yesterday.
The only appointment I have this week is a doctor's appointment tomorrow. My therapist is out of town and I cancelled my appointment with my dietician Viv. She was actually cool with it. I explained to her that I'm actually doing really good and I need a break from appointments. I would cancel my doctors appointment as well, but it's been two months since I've been and I'm supposed to have an appointment every month.
I was nervous for my doctor's appointment because I have lost a little weight, but I think it'll be okay. I mean, it's only a couple pounds and with all my clothes on + breakfast + coffee, I don't think it'll show.
I FEEL SO GOOD! Can I just say I LOVE to feel happy and content? :)
Saturday, December 31, 2011
2011 in Review Part 2
August: After three long months of treatment in Arizona, I came home. my family started following my meal plan too and everyone was happy. My parents kept telling me how proud they were of me...I was okay my first month back home. I ate what I was supposed to, replaced calories if I purged (which I was still doing all throughout treatment after my feeding tube was taken out) and I started working on building muscle. I LOVED getting my body back into shape. I hung out with friends before they left for the air force or college and we had fun- riding horses, going to a Michael Buble concert :)
September: I started a new job at an orthopedic surgery center, though my treatment team wasn't to happy about it. Though I love my new job, sometimes I wonder if they were right and it was too early for me to go back into a full time job. But I was going STIR CRAZY at home doing nothing but going to appointments. Also, all my friends left Spokane so I wasn't getting out much and I felt so lonely. My eating disorder started creeping back in, with the stress of starting a new job and being too tired to work on building muscle.
October-November: I had two weeks of a lot of behaviors in October which put me in a bad spot. I felt quite horrid for letting everyone down. I don't really have many (actually, practically none) pictures from these months.
December: So much has happened! With the threat of inpatient again, I got my act together for the first few weeks of December. Christmas proved to be incredibly stressful though and behaviors increased again, but I'm getting back on track again! My sister came for Christmas with her hubby and my adorable little niece! It was the first time I got to see her since I was in treatment when she was born.
October-November: I had two weeks of a lot of behaviors in October which put me in a bad spot. I felt quite horrid for letting everyone down. I don't really have many (actually, practically none) pictures from these months.
December: So much has happened! With the threat of inpatient again, I got my act together for the first few weeks of December. Christmas proved to be incredibly stressful though and behaviors increased again, but I'm getting back on track again! My sister came for Christmas with her hubby and my adorable little niece! It was the first time I got to see her since I was in treatment when she was born.
Glad 2011 is over!!!
2011 in Review
January: We had a leak and my Dad went on the roof to fix it. He ended up falling off the roof because it was like a sheet of ice. He fell on a cement block and was pretty banged up- had a few broken ribs too. YIKES! I remember I felt very conflicted about recovery at this point. I had some really good days and some really bad days. I ended up cutting a few times. One time, I was on a lot of ambien, severely depressed and hallucinating. I ended up cutting the side of my torso, a bit more artistically than usual.
February: My mom's current hobby was baking cakes and decorating them. She began this new little hobby of hers near the beginning of my relapse Summer 2010. I knew how much my mom needed a hobby to cope with life and also, my eating disorder. But her hobby just made my eating disorder worse, even though she tried to keep the frosting and cakes put away when I was around. I would find them or when she wasn't looking, I'd eat some or steal it away for bingeing/purging later. I felt bad because I didn't want to ask her to give up her hobby because of my eating disorder. I felt like I should be able to handle it, you know? I made a cake for my friend Nicole's birthday. It was my way of trying to connect and be OKAY around it. I never was okay around it though. Behaviors always followed.
March: My sister came to visit and she was six months pregnant! She's my best friend and I missed her so much. I felt like she was moving on in life and LIVING and I was stuck in the hell of the eating disorder. I became increasingly depressed.
April: I don't remember much of this month. My health dramatically declined. My family was supposed to go to Disneyland in May and my treatment team and parents were deciding if I was well enough to go. I REALLY wanted to go so I tried to pretend I was fine, but it was obvious I was when I almost had a heart attack. My labs were a mess and I was medically unstable. My mind couldn't think and I guess, it was probably the worst month of my life, next to the month my brother died.
May: It was decided I needed to either be hospitalized or be sent to an inpatient facility for eating disorders, since my city doesn't have much to offer for eating disorders. So instead of going to Disneyland, I went down to Arizona to Remuda Ranch. It was scary at first. I had a feeding tube for the first month. It was physically and mentally painfully as I began weight restoration. I met a lot of AMAZING girls there though and their support meant the world to me. They made my 22nd birthday so special!
June-July: I was moved to the Remuda Life Progam which is residential and you live in a house a other ED girls. They didn't do feeding tubes at RLP so I had to continue weight restoration with Ensure +, which I struggled with immensely! Also, I went from 24/7 supervision to a good deal of more freedom. I could easily purge in my bathroom at my house, and there was a plethora of food in the kitchen. I began purging again, secretly exercising, cutting, and sometimes bingeing. My depression was HORRIBLE. I was having panic attacks constantly. They upped my dosage of ProZac though and it helped so much!!! I had the best roommate ever, Hali, and though we had our ups and downs, we had fun together- singing and playing the piano, sneaking out sometimes, going to the mall, and such. I learned SO MUCH at RLP and I'm so happy I was able to be there. Though, my entire treatment team there and here agrees I left inpatient too soon. I had gained 12 pounds inpatient and 13 pounds at RLP. I was still 5 pounds away from my goal weight by the end.
Part 2 to follow! I'm going to see Girl With The Dragon Tattoo with Nicole so I'll make Part 2 afterwards!!!!
February: My mom's current hobby was baking cakes and decorating them. She began this new little hobby of hers near the beginning of my relapse Summer 2010. I knew how much my mom needed a hobby to cope with life and also, my eating disorder. But her hobby just made my eating disorder worse, even though she tried to keep the frosting and cakes put away when I was around. I would find them or when she wasn't looking, I'd eat some or steal it away for bingeing/purging later. I felt bad because I didn't want to ask her to give up her hobby because of my eating disorder. I felt like I should be able to handle it, you know? I made a cake for my friend Nicole's birthday. It was my way of trying to connect and be OKAY around it. I never was okay around it though. Behaviors always followed.
March: My sister came to visit and she was six months pregnant! She's my best friend and I missed her so much. I felt like she was moving on in life and LIVING and I was stuck in the hell of the eating disorder. I became increasingly depressed.
April: I don't remember much of this month. My health dramatically declined. My family was supposed to go to Disneyland in May and my treatment team and parents were deciding if I was well enough to go. I REALLY wanted to go so I tried to pretend I was fine, but it was obvious I was when I almost had a heart attack. My labs were a mess and I was medically unstable. My mind couldn't think and I guess, it was probably the worst month of my life, next to the month my brother died.
May: It was decided I needed to either be hospitalized or be sent to an inpatient facility for eating disorders, since my city doesn't have much to offer for eating disorders. So instead of going to Disneyland, I went down to Arizona to Remuda Ranch. It was scary at first. I had a feeding tube for the first month. It was physically and mentally painfully as I began weight restoration. I met a lot of AMAZING girls there though and their support meant the world to me. They made my 22nd birthday so special!
June-July: I was moved to the Remuda Life Progam which is residential and you live in a house a other ED girls. They didn't do feeding tubes at RLP so I had to continue weight restoration with Ensure +, which I struggled with immensely! Also, I went from 24/7 supervision to a good deal of more freedom. I could easily purge in my bathroom at my house, and there was a plethora of food in the kitchen. I began purging again, secretly exercising, cutting, and sometimes bingeing. My depression was HORRIBLE. I was having panic attacks constantly. They upped my dosage of ProZac though and it helped so much!!! I had the best roommate ever, Hali, and though we had our ups and downs, we had fun together- singing and playing the piano, sneaking out sometimes, going to the mall, and such. I learned SO MUCH at RLP and I'm so happy I was able to be there. Though, my entire treatment team there and here agrees I left inpatient too soon. I had gained 12 pounds inpatient and 13 pounds at RLP. I was still 5 pounds away from my goal weight by the end.
Part 2 to follow! I'm going to see Girl With The Dragon Tattoo with Nicole so I'll make Part 2 afterwards!!!!
BACK TO BLOGS!
Well, I tried to use tumblr for my blogs but I like this format so much more! So I'll be regularly blogging on here again! I updated what blogs I have written recently on tumblr onto my blog here, so that's why there's a bunch of new posts in one day.
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