Three Days

...is how long I've been completely behavior free! No bingeing, no purging, no restricting, eating every two hours, and vegan. I haven't gone this long behavior-free since inpatient, where I was practically forced into being behavior-free. This time I'm doing it on my own and it's my choice. I honestly didn't think it was possible. Three days might not really seem that long to some people but for me, it's the difference between a year and a century.

However, as my lovely gay friend says, "It's not all rainbows and men." There's been triggers the past few days when I was tempted to have behaviors. Yesterday at work there was even MORE drama and it was horrible. I ended up crying all morning and I simply couldn't stop, it was embarrassing! I shared my life story in group last night and that was...I don't know. I felt very disconnected. It was nice to get good feedback though. Someone in group said I had this light in my eyes. I've been told by so many people when I'm in the midst of my eating disorder, that a light I used to have in my eyes is completely gone. To hear someone can see that light again gave me hope!

I've also had urges to act on behaviors because of how I physically feel when I eat. I've been upping my calories every day but I felt so ravenous between my afternoon snack and dinner...sooo I had a larabar and a serving of wheat thins. I felt GUILTY for having food outside of what I had already planned and going over my calorie goal for the day. It was the first time I really really had to fight the urge to binge/purge. I texted my therapist a friend for support and worked my ass off at work and the feelings didn't necessarily go away, but they calmed down enough to where I was okay. Probably had more like x calories which freaks me out so I'm not actually going to count. I know it needs to keep going up until...I don't know, a healthy place. I guess I'll have to ask my dietician where I should be calorie-wise. I know I FEEL like what I'm having now is more than enough, but rationally I know I'm probably not the best judge where calories are concerned.

I came home and was so hungry. Seriously! Why am I hungry ALL THE TIME all of a sudden?! I ate more than I planned AGAIN. I had my planned bowl of raw veggies, black bean soup, and chocolate soy milk. But then my mom made baked sweet potatoes and I ended up eating a whole sweet potato with a bit of blackstrap molasses on it. That's when the feeling of fullness hit HARD. I just wanted to purge so badly, I didn't trust myself enough to take a bath even though I needed one. I still feel full and didn't eat the apple I planned, but I'm okay. I've got you wonderful people and friends for support.

Being vegan is really working out for me! Yay! Except...I feel enormous guilt over having honey in my diet still. I feel like I have to give honey up too because I need to fit inside the box, the boundaries of veganism because then I'll be safe. Safe from what? I don't know. My eating disorder. My anxiety. Whatever "it" is, I recognize this as a potential pitfall and an eating disordered thought. SO I'm still having a trail mix bar tomorrow with honey in it, even though it feels "unsafe."

All your comments on how this might be another form of my eating disorder did make me think. It might be. All I know is my eating disorder wasn't allowing me to have most foods, even safe foods. Going back to a normal diet where all foods are safe seems too overwhelming. Veganism expands my "safe foods" list and to be honest, it's what I need right now to be okay with eating what's on that list. I will probably expand that list even more after Easter by switching to vegetarianism, and maybe I'll eventually start having meat again. But thank you...your concern didn't fall on deaf ears.