Meds You Should Be Taking

My previous post had me thinking about meds people recovering from an eating disorder should be taking, if it's applicable to their specific situation. Our bodies have been denied the nourishment they need to properly function, so they rely on what they've stored for "just-in-case-I'm-not-given-the-nutrition-I-need." However, when you've been abusing your body for so long, it runs out of all extra stuff stored away, and begins devouring itself for what it needs to simply function.

Taking meds is an important part of recovery because it's replenishing your body with what it needs. Even after being on medication for a few months, it takes a couple years to fully "restock" your body. 

Basic Meds You Should Be Taking Anyway

- Multi-vitamin: Women's one-a-day is great, or I got a prescription pre-natal vitamin because they're stronger than store-bought ones. If you're like me and don't like swallowing pills the size of golf balls, chewable vitamins are a good option. Just make sure if you're taking a multi-vitamin in pill form, you don't take it on an empty stomach. You may get so nauseous, you vomit uncontrollably out of your mouth AND nose (yes, this happened to me).

- Calcium: Same as the multi-vitamin. Your bones suffer so much from the malnourishment and those with anorexia are more likely to have osteoporosis. Taking calcium is important for everyone, especially women, and ESPECIALLY those with eating disorders.

For Those Who Purge

- Prilosec (omneprazole): This medication helps to repair the damage you've done to your esophagus and stomach from purging, which is violent and really damages your body.

- Sulcrafate: OK, so if you've done some major damage to your body from purging, you have stomach/chest pain, and are purging blood often, ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT THIS MED. It's a pain to take because they look like horse pills, you're supposed to take them four times a day, 1 hr before meals or 2 hrs after meals. But it's powerful. How it works is it binds itself to the raw areas of your esophagus and stomach.

- Prescription Fluoride Toothpaste: After giving me four fillings and mentioning I'll need gum surgery, my dentist also prescribed me fluoride toothpaste, which is stronger than store-bought. Brushing your teeth with this helps to bring down high-acidity levels in your mouth, which are what destroys your teeth in a major way. 

Depression/Anxiety/Insomnia Meds

- ProZac: This specific med may/may not be the right one for you. But if you have depression, high highs and low lows, this helps to kind of even everything out and make those feelings a tad less extreme. Working with a psychiatrist/PP to find the right dosage is really important.

- Xanax, Atarax, Atavin, Visterol, etc: If you experience panic attacks, you know how scary and real they can be. Finding an anxiety med that's right for you and your body can help calm you down and bring you back to a safe place. I've tried so many anxiety meds and the only one that seemed to work for me was Xanax. Warning though- most anxiety meds cause drowsiness, some more than others. I found out the hard way and missed an entire day of my life because I was so knocked out.

- Seroquel: MY LIFESAVER. It's known to work really well paired with ProZac. It helps your mind shut off at night, especially helps if you have racing thoughts that keep you from sleeping. I take this almost every night. It does make me a bit drowsy in the morning if I take it too late though.

- Ambien: Helps insomnia, but can be addictive. I only have it when I REALLY need some sleep and need to be knocked out FAST. Warning: Do not try to stay awake after taking ambien. You will illucinate,  collapse in the shower, or make a fool of yourself but remember nothing in the morning. From experience? You bet. 

Others

-Miralax: Helps when you begin recovery and your body isn't used to actually digesting food. Even on miralax, I didn't go to the bathroom for two weeks in treatment (think 3500 cal/day x 14 days=a lot of poop stuck in my body). Tasted horrible to me so I had it with gatorade in treatment (hated the taste so much I was willing to have extra calories!), and now I mix it in my coffee (smart? maybe not). It's not meant for long term use, but my treatment team still wants me on it for some reason.

-B Complex vitamins: For nerve damage. I actually did damage my nerves somehow from starvation.

-Potassium/magnesium: Your doctor would prescribe depending on lab results.

My Meds

I've been pretty inconsistent with my medications, which might be why I'm either extremely high or extremely low. I decided it might help to actually organize my pills and found two pill cases I bought a long time ago but never used. I think what really discourages me from taking my meds is how freaking many there are to take. My calcium and pre-natal vitamins are so huge, I sometimes "forget" to take them. SO I bought the chewable calcium (caltrate-vanilla flavored!) and pre-natal vitamin gummies  (fruity delicious). I remember inpatient I refused to have the chewables, because of the extra calories, but now I don't worry about it as much. *step in recovery!*

The two pill cases are all my "morning meds." I need two more pill cases for my "throughout-the-day meds" and "nighttime meds." 

I feel like an old person sometimes, especially using pill cases :/

Confused

The message I've gotten from people over and over in my life is that I shouldn't be feeling what I'm feeling. When I tried to tell people about being sexually abused at 14, the message I recieved was it wasn't a big deal, I'm silly for feeling used and dirty. People wouldn't of said those things if I wasn't so embarrassed by what happened, that I didn't explain it well and left out pretty much all the details.

It was the inability to communicate hindering me, but I wasn't aware of that at the time. I thought I explained it well enough and I was stupid for feeling hurt. I'd like to think my communication skills have at least improved slightly. But yet again, I'm getting the same message: You're feelings aren't justified, you're wrong for feeling hurt.

What am I supposed to do with my feelings then? When I was 14, I used my eating disorder and cutting and pills to deal with feelings I thought weren't supposed to be expressed. In fact, those are the first coping mechanisms I usually run to when I need to deal with negative feelings.

I thought the right answer was to express my feelings in a gentle, upfront way. Apparently I went wrong somewhere. Yet again, the message I got was I shouldn't be feeling hurt and it's not okay to express it because what I'm feeling is WRONG.

I don't know what to do. I've tried doing it the "healthy" way, but it seemed to make things worse. The only thing I have left is eating disordered behaviour, cutting and pills. Primarily my ED, since it's what I'm struggling with the most lately.

I'm wrong. I'm stupid. It's my fault. Something is wrong with me. I'm unloveable. I'm defective. I'm not acceptable. I'm alone. People's friendship with me is charity. All I can trust is ED. He'll never let me down.

And the voices refuse to be silent.