Self Hatred

Everything was going so well today. Work was awesome- really chill and easy-going. A snow storm hit my city this morning, making it look like those snow globes when you really shake them up. I'm not too fond of snow, particularly because I absolutely hate driving in snowy, icy conditions. My anxiety was through the roof when it was time for me to drive home all the way across town. So I did what any highly anxious person with drugs would do and took a pretty high dosage of Xanax. 

That's when the trouble began. On my way home, I decided for some reason I wanted to binge and purge. Keep in mind, I haven't done this since I got home from treatment. At least not on purpose and going to the store specifically for binge food. I got a pint of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked ice cream, two donuts, and two candy bars. 

I don't know WHY I did it, but it set me up for a pretty horrid night. It wasn't so bad in the binge/purge sense, because I only purged three times, which is actually far from my worst-case scenarios. It was the feelings of self hatred for doing such a shameful thing. 

I feel a bit out of control tonight and really tempted to self-harm. I'm just disgusted with my body and lack of self-control. Something in me wants to just scream. I kind of WANT my parents or someone to get on me for something just so I can freak out and have a reason to scream. 

Am I the only one who has nights like this? I'm just so angry, tired, frustrated, ashamed...I feel reckless and indifferent. 

On a GOOD note, I'm doing what I really don't want to do and treating myself with kindness, even though I don't feel like I deserve it. I'm having G2 gatorade and toast with peanut butter and honey, since I haven't really kept much down. 

I wish I didn't ruin today with my bad behavior. I'm ready for a new day.

Feeling Too Much Too Fast

I've been sitting here for a good five minutes trying to figure out what to blog about. There's been events the past few days that have been emotionally tolling, but because this information might hurt people I love if the wrong person puts together the pieces and figures out who I'm talking about, I can't go into detail. 

What I can say though, is this situation has forced me to face confusing, conflicting emotions I've tried ignoring for years. Yesterday, the ball began rolling and in a couple weeks, I'll be face to face with a person who has deeply affected me, for the sole purpose of talking about those feelings and what occurred so long ago. I cried and cried last night after simply have a conversation over text with this person and I hated myself for it. I hate I feel hurt. I hate someone has the ability to affect me so deeply. 

No tears today though. I have Tuesdays off so I met with Andi for coffee in the morning. She was the first person I ever confided in about this specific situation, so it was nice to talk to someone who has been there from the beginning.

I saw my dietician in the afternoon. She decided to weigh me, especially after I told her what an emotional roller coaster of a week it's been. YES, she weighs me backwards, but I somehow manage to get a glimpse of the number before she zeroes it out again. I was down a substantial amount from two weeks ago which I knew already. I know I need to get it together because I'm really dancing on the edge here. I can't afford the consequences of one misstep. 

Perceptions

Today's been an odd day :/

You know when you FEEL thin, think you LOOK thin, but then you get on the scale and somehow you've gained a bit of weight? And since the number on the scale didn't align with how you felt and saw yourself, you obviously are WRONG because the almighty scale is always RIGHT. So then you don't feel thin, or think you look thin, anymore. That's how my day began.

I went to church and had an immensely difficult time sitting still. I couldn't stop moving and I couldn't focus. This need for nonstop motion has only intensified the past few weeks and it drives my family and friends crazy because I can't just sit down and watch a movie. When I am sitting down, my foot is always rapidly bopping up and down. It helps relieve anxiety, but anxiety from what?

I was home alone a bit today and ended up purging. I tried to replace it with mushrooms and eggbeaters with tahziki. But there's this invisible line that if you eat something and you cross over that line, you feel as though you have to purge. I ended up having a few graham crackers and for some reason, it pushed me over the line. I felt like a complete FAILURE after that, but managed to eat substantial food about an hour later.

I still felt so much anxiety about eating lunch (it was NOT safe food) and finally keeping it, I just had to get out of the house. It's below freezing here but a beautiful sunny day :) I have a walking route I always walk and it takes me exactly one hour to complete. I feel much better now. It's amazing what fresh air and a little exercise can do for a person!

I'm meeting Bonnie at Starbucks, so I thought I'd come a bit early and blog ;) We have a Bible study group at my house tonight, which always causes me some anxiety because people always bring homemade baked treats. My challenge tonight is to not binge and purge on them. I am planning on having an apple and hot chocolate during the group instead of whatever they bring, but who knows what will happen. Plans always seem to change when it comes to small group.

For now though, I'm happy sitting here in sbux with my chamomile tea with honey in hand.

Happy

I met up with Andi today and it was wonderful to talk with her and just be upfront, honest, and real. We talked about everything- when her eating disorder started, the ups and downs, telling her parents, getting help. I'm so proud of her. She is so brave and was facing it all alone for so long. I'm looking forward to hanging out with my friend more often and talking about what's really going on in our lives :)

THEN I went with my mom, grandma, and cousin Maddie to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D. Coincidentally, my sister's family and another family we're friends with, all came to see the same movie at the same time! We were able to sit together and took up an entire row. I sat in between my niece Noelle (age 3) and my cousin Maddie (age 6). I wish I could say I enjoyed the movie itself because Belle has always been my favorite Disney princess! However, I ended up eating some popcorn and had a panic attack the entire movie. I could not sit still! All I wanted was to get out of there, go home, and be alone.

enthralled by the cotton candy machine

My cousin Maddie, my grandma and I

Maddie, Noel, Addie, and Chloe

         










My grandma and cousin wanted to go to dinner at The Mustard Seed afterwards though...this new plan was a surprise to my mom as well and she immediately saw the anxiety rising in me. She suggested I could hang out at Barnes and Noble while they ate, but my grandma really wanted me to eat with everyone. Out of guilt, I agreed to eat dinner out, which I don't think I've done since my dad's birthday back in September. Ugh! It turned out ok. I had miso soup, cooked veggies, steamed shrimp, a couple crackers, and a fortune cookie. I wasn't going to eat all of that, just the soup and crackers, but my grandma ordered the veggies for "everyone" (she knew I'd eat them) and when I took one shrimp that was offered, she kept offering more. It was odd actually...my grandma has never treated me like someone with an eating disorder. She's never pushed food on me. This was the first time I felt like she was actually showing her concern for me.

We ended up running into this shop after dinner that had all these colorful headbands. We sort of went crazy and bought a BUNCH because they were on sale. We bought 18 headbands between the four of us! Six of those were for me :) My mom and I had fun taking pictures of us in our new headbands :)

I feel happy. I connected on a deeper level with a dearly loved friend, survived movie popcorn and eating out, and got some lovely headbands that I feel cute in. SUCCESS!

A Little Sunshine

FINALLY I have something cheerful to write about. I didn't binge or purge at all yesterday. First day being b/p free in at least a month! It was incredibly difficult and I came close to bingeing a few times, but somehow I made it through. I think it helped to have friends who were trying not to b/p and were successful as well. We kind of kept each other accountable, and this time it really worked.

I have yet to b/p today. But to be honest, I'm incredibly tempted. Partially because chocolate chip pancakes are sounding pretty delicious right now, and also because I'm home alone which makes it that much easier since there's no here to question my odd behaviour.

Hence, this blog. I'm doing anything to distract myself.

I had a doctor's appointment today and I suppose it went alright. Though my weight is at my lowest, my bloodwork was okay so that was a relief. He had me do an EKG. I had to put on one of those hospital gowns backwards and I felt irrationally promiscuous with it gaping open, revealing my pierced navel. What was even more embarrassing was the fact I had cuts all over the right side of my stomach and ribs. It was the outcome of feeling horrible after an insane b/p and was slightly ambien-induced. Note to self: Take ambien and go to bed IMMEDIATELY. Otherwise, hallucination will occur.

Anyways, the women doing my EKG was really professional and didn't ask any questions of the cuts or stare at them. I felt awkward enough being so naked in front of another person.

Well, I really can't get my mind off of those chocolate chip pancakes so I'm going to go read at Borders for a bit. I can't believe there's people out there who thinks this recovering thing is easy. It's not, and it pisses me off when people say, "Just eat." They say ignorance is bliss. I say it's just plain stupidity.

Confused

The message I've gotten from people over and over in my life is that I shouldn't be feeling what I'm feeling. When I tried to tell people about being sexually abused at 14, the message I recieved was it wasn't a big deal, I'm silly for feeling used and dirty. People wouldn't of said those things if I wasn't so embarrassed by what happened, that I didn't explain it well and left out pretty much all the details.

It was the inability to communicate hindering me, but I wasn't aware of that at the time. I thought I explained it well enough and I was stupid for feeling hurt. I'd like to think my communication skills have at least improved slightly. But yet again, I'm getting the same message: You're feelings aren't justified, you're wrong for feeling hurt.

What am I supposed to do with my feelings then? When I was 14, I used my eating disorder and cutting and pills to deal with feelings I thought weren't supposed to be expressed. In fact, those are the first coping mechanisms I usually run to when I need to deal with negative feelings.

I thought the right answer was to express my feelings in a gentle, upfront way. Apparently I went wrong somewhere. Yet again, the message I got was I shouldn't be feeling hurt and it's not okay to express it because what I'm feeling is WRONG.

I don't know what to do. I've tried doing it the "healthy" way, but it seemed to make things worse. The only thing I have left is eating disordered behaviour, cutting and pills. Primarily my ED, since it's what I'm struggling with the most lately.

I'm wrong. I'm stupid. It's my fault. Something is wrong with me. I'm unloveable. I'm defective. I'm not acceptable. I'm alone. People's friendship with me is charity. All I can trust is ED. He'll never let me down.

And the voices refuse to be silent.