Ed Mode VS. Me Mode

Hello Hello, I'm currently at work on my lunch break and blogging in the attempt of saving myself from a binge/purge episode. Nothing like pulling out the distraction skill to curb the desire to numb.

I actually have been doing better the last week behavior-wise, but Sarah told me she doesn't think I'm really doing any better. Thanks for raining on my parade! Sarah also said she doesn't know how to explain it, but I sound different when I talk...more in my eating disorder.

O_o Okay, that got my attention. Because truth is, I do feel different inside. Something made that "switch" again into ED mode. I thought I was hiding it. I've been watching what I say and trying to be louder than the eating disorder voice, or at least keep it quiet until I'm alone with it. It took me by surprise when she noticed and I know she right. The scary thing is I don't know how to make the switch back from Ed mode to Me mode. How did I do it before?

That also lead me think about how I'm really doing. Am I doing as well as I think I am? I am notorious for fooling myself and my treatment team into thinking I'm doing better than I am. I can't outright lie so convincing myself that something is true is essential if I'm going to blindside my team.

So. Where do I go from here? Oh, I have so much more to write about- especially new boundaries with food my mom made with me. But my 30 min lunch is about over so I better wrap up. I would love nothing more than to sit here and blog, sharing my thoughts and feelings with you lovely people and maybe sort out what's going on inside my head.

Love to you all. I read your blogs, even when it seems I'm absent from blog/vlog community.

Coffee Time Contemplations

I love chill weekends like this one! And I LOVE when I can enjoy the weekend without being completely engrossed on my eating disorder. Purging has improved a bit over the past week, though I wish it was nonexistent in my life. I think the biggest improvement has been in the amount of food I've been eating and keeping. I can see it reflected in my energy level and how I generally feel. 

At the same time, a part of me is upset that I find food so pleasurable. 

Right now, I'm just chilling at Starbucks, drinking my americano and reading blogs. I ended up talking to this middle-aged couple for the past hour and it was such a fascinating discussion. We talked about sex-trafficking, communism, how thinness doesn't equate healthy, holistic lifestyles...It was stimulating and we could have talked for so much longer, but they had to leave. We're going to try to meet up again next Sunday which would be so lovely! They're such nice people and I really enjoyed the interaction.

I thought I might write more, but right now I'm feeling quite contemplative, going over all the things we talked about. So till next time my loves!

A Good Start to the Weekend ;)

Yesterday was actually a not-so-bad day :) I kept accountable every hour to my friend's Andi and Sarah about eating/purging. I started the morning off with breakfast which I haven't really properly done in ages. First I had toast with peanut butter and honey and a yogurt. Here's the problem though: When I start eating, I find it so difficult to stop. It's either eat nothing or eat a lot and purge. I felt so hungry and ended up having another slice of toast with PB and honey and a banana. I couldn't believe myself! I didn't want to start the day off purging though, like I have been lately. I felt so full throughout the entire day, that I didn't really eat much during work.

Problem #2: It was about 5pm and I'm covering for a girl at work who is on a cruise for the next two weeks. She's "the late person" and so I end up being alone at work for the last hour. Surrounded by food. I ended up eating a larabar (nuts and fruit) and couldn't stop again, ended up eating some Reese's buttercups and purging. Yes, I was disappointed I ended up purging, but my goal is 0-1 times/day which is much better than 4-7 times/day.

Shock Moment: (WARNING: TMI) When I purged, I was like...is that broccoli? WHEN THE HECK DID I HAVE BROCCOLI?! It took me a bit, but I eventually remembered my mom had broccoli with her dinner and I had a few pieces she didn't eat. But that was 24 hours ago. I'm pretty sure it wasn't supposed to be in my stomach after 24 hours, right?

I ended up going to Andi's house and we made dinner, well, what was safe for both of us. We had lemon pepper tilapia and brussels sprouts. She had a bottle of red wine we could absolutely not open which was actually quite funny because it took us forever. We had a glass while talking about life and eventually watched Ever After. It was a nice way to spend the evening with my best friend. I love you Andi!

Satisfied

There was actually a few things on mind I wanted to write about but I'm so engrossed in experiencing this feeling I haven't felt in...well, too long.

Satisfied.

I've come to the point (and no, I'm not ready to accept I've relapsed!) where keeping any food down is a challenge/rare occasion. After an extremely stressful and behavior-filled day at work, I came home and was just so WEARY of purging. I feel so tired of fighting the desire to eat everything in sight, giving into that desire eventually, and getting rid of it soon after.


There are permanent red dry spots at the corners of my mouth. My mouth is ripped up and sores cover every surface inside of my mouth. I can barely swallow, my throat hurts that bad. I'm always cold. My fingers are always purple. I'm growing a beard of lanugo, a fine white layer of hair, on my face. My skin is blotchy, breaking out and ill looking. My knees give out and I cover it up by acting like I'm a silly clumsy girl. Shaky. Sometimes I feel like I'm floating. Sometimes I feel like there are weights tied to my body. I pass out randomly. Most likely smell of vomit. 
(^glamorous, huh?)

I hope you're catching on to where I'm going with this- EATING DISORDERS SUCK. It would ALMOST be worth it if I felt thin. That was the deal, right? Ed said,"Yeah, you might have some of this not-so-fun stuff, but you'll feel thin so obviously it's worth it!" Ed doesn't keep his word and his trades are bullshit. I never feel thin AND I feel like crap all the time.

Coming back to feeling satisfied- I came home and was like, FUCK YOU ED. FUCK YOU EATING DISORDER. I made a plan for tomorrow. I set up accountability so maybe, just maybe I can have one purge free day which is all I'm asking for at the moment. I ate dinner and albeit, I didn't keep it the first time around. But round two I kept it! I don't know why I didn't keep it the first time considering what I chose to ate was much healthier and balanced. Round two I had two pieces of (weight watchers recipe) banana bread with yogurt butter, an apple, a few veggies, and hot chocolate (ok, yes DIET hot chocolate but I put 1 TB of caramel brûlée cream in it so bonus points for me!).

I feel satisfied and I'm kind of in awe of this feeling. I'm actually excited to fall asleep now feeling satisfied. I won't be waking up in the middle of the night from hunger pains. My body is like, "FINALLY this bitch isn't treating me like shit and actually taking care of me."

Okay, sorry for all the language but when I'm feeling a lot, especially concerning my eating disorder, using dramatic and offensive language seems to come naturally.

Night everyone! I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY!

INCED Event

Sorry I haven't really been around lately. It's mostly because I've been feeling down and have been avoiding pretty much everyone. Being unable to sleep hasn't helped things. I ran out of seraqol a week ago and I thought, hey I'll just take ambien since I have some lying around. For some reason, ambien doesn't work for me anymore! I've barely gotten a couple hours a sleep per night since last week, and not even a solid couple hours- half an hour of sleep, two hours awake, fifteen minutes of sleep, an hour awake and so on. I FINALLY got my seraqol refilled yesterday and picked the WRONG night to start taking it again. I had the early shift and was supposed to get up at 4am but I slept through my alarm and my mom woke me up at 5am. I felt groggy all morning. Apparently my body is not liking me for the abrupt halt and reintroduction of my nighttime meds.

I got off work at about 2pm and so I spent my good old time getting ready for an INCED event (the american equivalent of the UK's BEAT program for Eds). The event didn't begin till 6pm so I thought I'd hang out in the coffee shop across the street, which ended up being miserable because I was completely bored, stared at the wall, and eventually binged and attempted to purge a huge ass cinnamon roll. The whole afternoon was a fail.

The INCED event was actually quite nice! It was at this theater called The Magic Lantern, known for showing foreign and indie films. There were for horde'oeuvres  and drinks before watching America the Beautiful II: The Thin Commandments. It's a documentary on the whole dieting industry and America's obsession with weight. Afterwards, there was a panel of therapists, doctors, dietitians, a recovered ED girl, and her grandma (caretaker).

I was anxious all day about this event. Actually, it's probably why I binged and purged (FAIL) right before, not that I'm excusing my poor choice. I was going to be around other women, other EATING DISORDERED women, and professionals who deal with eating disorders. I felt intimidated by these other women and their silent opinions of my appearance. Do I look fat? Thin? Are they thinking there's no way I have an eating disorder? To sum up the thoughts running through my head: INSECURITY.

Andi was there which was a comfort, though she worries about me too much. She needs to not worry about me and focus on her own health (yes, Andi it's true!). There was this girl there named Katie who I had seen briefly at group therapy, but we're in different groups. She was sitting all alone in her university sweats and sweatshirt, obviously not dressed for the event and obviously not caring. I ended up sitting by her and we ended up having a nice chat. I wish I would have asked for her number so we could text and hang out sometime, but I suppose I can ask for it at the next group. If she wants to talk to me (see! insecurity again!).

I had a few glasses of wine and, against every fiber in my being and feeling like I was being judged, had a bit to eat, mostly veggies. I wasn't planning to but my stomach was raw and two glasses of wine on a raw semi-empty stomach is definitely not nice. So I thought, fuck you eating disordered people! See, I don't have a problem! I'm completely normal, here to support the cause!

Which leads me to the general feeling I've had the past few days: DENIAL. I'm having a difficult time admitting even to myself that I have a problem, which is so unlike me because I'm usually the first to be honest and say hey, I'm not perfect and I have problems. I think I'm just sick of having this particular problem. I should be "over it" by now, right? I mean, that's what's going through people's heads. I was supposed to snap out of it months ago when I came home "recovered" from treatment. People don't have patience when you don't get better within the time they deem is appropriate for addressing the problem.

Anyone else in a similar place???

Answering Questions :)

Do you ever just sit down and watch TV without any other distractions? Or am I the only one who DOESN'T do this? I can't seem to ever just say "I'm going to watch TV" and ONLY watch TV - I'm always on the computer/iPod, or doing homework at the same time.

I can never sit and watch something without moving around or doing something else simultaneously. It drives my brother mad! He wants my full attention to be on the movie but I get so restless. I think its common among eating disordered people though. It was so funny inpatient when we would try to watch a movie. We never could make it through one and we were all doing other things while watching so in the end, only one or two people were actually still watching the movie.

I have EDNOS. Why is EDNOS not as "out there" and common like anorexia and bulimia? U know what I'm saying?

I think EDNOS is probably more common than anorexia and bulimia. It just means the person doesn't strictly meet all the requirements for an anorexia or bulimia diagnosis. Most ED professionals find these "must-meet-requirements-rule" ridiculous and thankfully, things are starting to change. For instance, to be diagnosed as anorexic, one of the required symptoms was loss of a period. If you met every single other symptom but still had your period, even severely underweight, than you were diagnosed as EDNOS instead of anorexia. That specific req. symptom for diagnosis has changed, so I feel like we're heading in the right direction. Another example: I wasn't diagnosed as Bulimic because my binges were only a few hundred calories, and not thousands. Therefore, I was diagnosed as the purging subtype of Anorexia. Confusing, huh?

Are you a clumsy person?

I run into things and trip a lot, so I suppose I am. It's mostly because my mind in somewhere else more important than walking around a pole. Of course, after I run into the pole, whatever I'm thinking about becomes less important ;)

In my opinion, people who evaluate how "sick" you are based on your weight, BMI (wink!), treatment history, DSM diagnosis, etc. do NOT understand the illness or have experience in that area. thoughts? any good comparisons about this to a physical illness?

If you're speaking about professionals who use those things to evaluate how sick you are- YES, I don't think they get it at all. If an eating disordered person is comparing and evaluating how sick other ED girls are based on BMI, weight, treatment history, etc., that's wrong too. That's the eating disorder talking 100%

What kind of food do you eat in recovery on a daily basis? What about before recovery?

I LOVE toast with butter and jam! I have it every morning! I also love a baked sweet potato with butter and brown sugar, and cottage cheese with pita chips. Those are foods I'd never allow myself when I was in my eating disorder. Before recovery, I'd eat apples, egg whites, and LOTS of coffee and diet coke. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Kind of depressing to think about actually.

Honesty Time

I wish I could write about how awesome I've been doing and how I'm in recovery and it's a beautiful thing. I wish I wouldn't let people down.

This weekend didn't go so well. I didn't enjoy any part of it, and my eating disorder ran rampant. It's to the point now where keeping anything down is a challenge. How did I get here again? I'm supposed to be living my life FREE of this disease.

I just want to curl into a ball and have someone stroke my hair and cuddle. I want to be told everything will be okay.

I think actually FEELING things on Thursday really freaked me out, because I've completely numbed myself ever since. If I begin feeling something at any moment, I'll use behaviors to numb out. Why is feeling things so scary??

Restless

I am so restless and bored today! I start doing something like reading or watching a book, and I get bored. I can't sit still and nothing is keeping my interest for very long. I really dislike times like these. Might do my nails or something...:/

Grocery Stores

It's the weekend again! I ran out of my seroquel meds so last night I took ambien instead. My body didn't like this change apparently, because I slept four hours and woke up at 2am wide awake. Other than a rough night, I'm doing good. I cleaned the kitchen this morning, replied to some messages, and cleaned up my room. I'm planning on going on a walk later too, though I'm feeling pretty lazy right now.

I'm supposed to go to the store in a bit too. I need some things and my mom has a list for me too. It's weird. I love going to the grocery store. I love surrounding myself with food, reading labels, looking at the rows and rows of different brands of the same product. I like seeing all the other people at the grocery store because I feel like I'm less alone in my obsession. Inside I'm thinking, "Look! We have something in common! You're thinking about food right now too!"

I keep seeing women who are obviously struggling with an eating disorder. No, I'm not making assumptions based on their size. It's like people with eating disorders have this built in radar and can sense when another ED person is nearby. Our eyes meet and there's this unspoken understanding. We're fascinated by each other while at the same time a little uncomfortable that even though nothing is said aloud, someone else knows your secret and you know theres. 

At least that's my take on it. 

Day One of "The Plan"

I'm okay! I did feel quite funny and I think it might have been the whole blood sugar spiking and then crashing thing. I seem to not do well with the sudden onslaught of food in my system when I've been depriving it of anything nutritionally substantial. I also drank a huge glass of gatorade, considering I was also dehydrated from purging so often. 

I emailed my therapist last night, as was planned, my meal plan. For the next seven days I'm supposed to email her my meal plans and text her every time I eat something, whether it went well or not. I actually learned a good deal.

1. I freak out when I have food that was NOT planned beforehand. But I was able to sit with it and be okay.

2. I realized I really do use food and purging as a means to deal with my feelings and numb out. Those negative thoughts and anxiety were much stronger when I was abstaining from purging. I kind of heard this was the truth but never really believed it applied to me until today. 

I kept eating unplanned things, because I felt extremely hungry, which was frustrating because it made me angry with myself. STICK TO THE PLAN. I think the scariest part was, I started to feel normal. Why do I envy normalcy but fear it at the same time? I honestly don't know. I've found myself exploring my emotions this week and the more I've looked into how I feel, the more I realize I have a lot of conflicting thoughts and emotions. It's confusing. It's even more confusing to attempt explaining it to my treatment team. I feel like I'm trying to unravel a terribly knotted ball of yarn. 

Strangely, I don't think I'm more productive at work when I'm not using behaviors to cope. You'd think it'd be the opposite, but I somehow manage to fit in little binge and purge episodes in between getting work done, and STILL get the same amount done. huh...that can't last too long though, can it? I mean, it'll catch up to me eventually.

I was feeling so POSITIVE and like I can do this! I was like, I'm going to not purge for the next seven days, I'm not going to weigh myself, I'm going to stick to my meal plan...very ambitious.

And then the poop hit the fan. I came home to a messy house and messy kitchen which somehow raised my anxiety level ten notches. My brother was a little brat while simultaneously invading my space and not listening to a word when I said STAY OUT OF MY BUBBLE! I ate my planned dinner. Felt too much. And I "made everything better." What I mean to say is, I made all those bad emotions go away. I numbed out. I ate more. Purged. I felt better. I hate to say it, but I felt better.

Better and hopeless. How am I going to escape this cycle? There's so many feelings, I feel overwhelmed. I don't know how I'm going to face these feelings every day. It just seems like TOO MUCH. 

Feeling Odd

Right now, I can't tell if I'm having a panic attack, or if something is really wrong with me. I feel like I can't breathe. So, I'm attempting to distract myself by blogging and if that fails, I'll go get one of my parents. It wouldn't surprise me if I was having a panic attack. At the same time, I also wouldn't be surprised if something is wrong with me. Both are plausible considering my current physical and mental state. 

The past four days have been a series of binges and purges, at least four times a day. Thankfully, I managed to keep dinner last night and dinner tonight, but I'm sure it's not good on my body. Inevitably, the number on the scale has gone up, which hasn't really encouraged me to eat normally. I tend to panic and restrict, which then sets me up for a binge. Go figure. 

I'm feeling funny. I hope it's the effect of food on my body when I've been denying it the proper nutrition. I hope it's my body saying,"YES! Finally you've given me something to work with!"

I'm going downstairs where my family is at present. If it's a panic attack, it'll calm me down. If it's more, at least someone will know.

Team Meeting

I had a team meeting early this morning with my dietician (Viv,) therapist (Monique), and PCP (Dr.White). For most of the meeting I felt confused. I felt like we were going around in circles. They kept turning questions back onto me and I struggled to convey the mixed emotions and thoughts I've been having lately. The main goal of this get together was that treatment the way it is now isn't working and something needs to change. 

I have an idea of where I want to go in life and what I want to do. However, there's this big gap between where I want to be and where I am. I don't know how to breach that gap...one of the biggest things that's going to need to change is my weight. Weight restoration is necessary for recovery and also for further therapy. My mind isn't given the proper nutrition to really make strides in therapy. What became clear to everyone though is I'm not willing and/or unable to restore weight on my own. They all think it's necessary I go to some kind of more intense outpatient, residential, or inpatient treatment. The biggest question is what will my insurance cover. 

I told my team I really want to do this at home and not have to leave my city and job for more treatment. Not only is it an insurance and money issue, it's my desire to stay out of IOP. I don't know if we really came to any solid conclusions concerning what exactly the future holds for me, but we did come up with some concrete goals and things I can do at present.

1. Get back to Dr.White about what's really going on in my head and what the voices are saying when I'm alone, so he can see if he can do anything with my medication.

2. Starting Thursday for seven days, planning when and what I'm going to eat ahead of time and emailing Monique the plan. After I eat, I'll text Monique, even if it's to say I didn't eat or purged. 

3. I'll start seeing Viv twice a week and most likely, Monique twice a week as well.

4. Look into treatment options and if I can take medical leave, most likely in March sometimes. See what my insurance covers where, and find out what (if anything) can work.

Ugh. I'm surprised I didn't put up more of a fight about more intensive treatment. Maybe because it seems like a distant and unlikely thing. They've been talking about it for months, since November, and nothing has come of it so I'm not too worried. At least not yet. 

Can I really start eating though? And keeping it? Can I really do this whole weight gain thing without more intensive treatment? I want to say yes. I want to believe in myself. But when it comes down to it and  words have to turn into actions, I'm not really sure I'm willing. That scares me. Where do I go from here??

Valentines Day

Today would have been my brother Tyler's 20th birthday. I miss him. I wish we could go to Borders Bookstore and split a cheese filled asiago pretzel. He'd get his root beer and I'd get my irish cream nonfat latte with whip cream. He'd read his huge computer animation programming books and I'd flip through books in my stack containing a plethora of genres, from fantasy to biographical. We'd chat in between about whatever came to mind and exchange sarcastic, witty humor whenever we could squeeze it into the conversation.

Now both Tyler and, fittingly, Borders are gone. What a bittersweet day. I selfishly want my brother back here, if only for a bit. I need his understanding, his non-judgmental but honest opinion. I need his hugs. I need the look in his eyes that told me he believed in me and loved me. 

Up and Down

This weekend has had its ups and downs...Yesterday was a definite UP. I was incredibly lazy and enjoyed it. Went on a walk, got pampered at the salon and got my hair trimmed and recolored my signature red/purple. I read books for the rest of the day and in the evening, I put together Valentines day goodie bags for people at work. Last year, I had to go back to the store multiple times to buy more chocolates because I kept bingeing/purging on them. This time, I was able to be ALONE in the house, put together the goodie bags, and NOT binge on them! YAY ME! Oh, and I did my nails yesterday haha

Now TODAY was definitely a downer. Of course, the day I decide to make a YouTube video about bingeing, I end up bingeing AND purging four times. And ironically, I should have taken my own advice I shared in my vid because I set myself up by restricting. It's so easy to see the truth, but much more difficult to LIVE it. 

Despite not having a great day food wise, I'm actually staying positive because I HAVE had some pretty significant victories this week. So ED, leave me alone why don't ya?! 

Meds You Should Be Taking

My previous post had me thinking about meds people recovering from an eating disorder should be taking, if it's applicable to their specific situation. Our bodies have been denied the nourishment they need to properly function, so they rely on what they've stored for "just-in-case-I'm-not-given-the-nutrition-I-need." However, when you've been abusing your body for so long, it runs out of all extra stuff stored away, and begins devouring itself for what it needs to simply function.

Taking meds is an important part of recovery because it's replenishing your body with what it needs. Even after being on medication for a few months, it takes a couple years to fully "restock" your body. 

Basic Meds You Should Be Taking Anyway

- Multi-vitamin: Women's one-a-day is great, or I got a prescription pre-natal vitamin because they're stronger than store-bought ones. If you're like me and don't like swallowing pills the size of golf balls, chewable vitamins are a good option. Just make sure if you're taking a multi-vitamin in pill form, you don't take it on an empty stomach. You may get so nauseous, you vomit uncontrollably out of your mouth AND nose (yes, this happened to me).

- Calcium: Same as the multi-vitamin. Your bones suffer so much from the malnourishment and those with anorexia are more likely to have osteoporosis. Taking calcium is important for everyone, especially women, and ESPECIALLY those with eating disorders.

For Those Who Purge

- Prilosec (omneprazole): This medication helps to repair the damage you've done to your esophagus and stomach from purging, which is violent and really damages your body.

- Sulcrafate: OK, so if you've done some major damage to your body from purging, you have stomach/chest pain, and are purging blood often, ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT THIS MED. It's a pain to take because they look like horse pills, you're supposed to take them four times a day, 1 hr before meals or 2 hrs after meals. But it's powerful. How it works is it binds itself to the raw areas of your esophagus and stomach.

- Prescription Fluoride Toothpaste: After giving me four fillings and mentioning I'll need gum surgery, my dentist also prescribed me fluoride toothpaste, which is stronger than store-bought. Brushing your teeth with this helps to bring down high-acidity levels in your mouth, which are what destroys your teeth in a major way. 

Depression/Anxiety/Insomnia Meds

- ProZac: This specific med may/may not be the right one for you. But if you have depression, high highs and low lows, this helps to kind of even everything out and make those feelings a tad less extreme. Working with a psychiatrist/PP to find the right dosage is really important.

- Xanax, Atarax, Atavin, Visterol, etc: If you experience panic attacks, you know how scary and real they can be. Finding an anxiety med that's right for you and your body can help calm you down and bring you back to a safe place. I've tried so many anxiety meds and the only one that seemed to work for me was Xanax. Warning though- most anxiety meds cause drowsiness, some more than others. I found out the hard way and missed an entire day of my life because I was so knocked out.

- Seroquel: MY LIFESAVER. It's known to work really well paired with ProZac. It helps your mind shut off at night, especially helps if you have racing thoughts that keep you from sleeping. I take this almost every night. It does make me a bit drowsy in the morning if I take it too late though.

- Ambien: Helps insomnia, but can be addictive. I only have it when I REALLY need some sleep and need to be knocked out FAST. Warning: Do not try to stay awake after taking ambien. You will illucinate,  collapse in the shower, or make a fool of yourself but remember nothing in the morning. From experience? You bet. 

Others

-Miralax: Helps when you begin recovery and your body isn't used to actually digesting food. Even on miralax, I didn't go to the bathroom for two weeks in treatment (think 3500 cal/day x 14 days=a lot of poop stuck in my body). Tasted horrible to me so I had it with gatorade in treatment (hated the taste so much I was willing to have extra calories!), and now I mix it in my coffee (smart? maybe not). It's not meant for long term use, but my treatment team still wants me on it for some reason.

-B Complex vitamins: For nerve damage. I actually did damage my nerves somehow from starvation.

-Potassium/magnesium: Your doctor would prescribe depending on lab results.

My Meds

I've been pretty inconsistent with my medications, which might be why I'm either extremely high or extremely low. I decided it might help to actually organize my pills and found two pill cases I bought a long time ago but never used. I think what really discourages me from taking my meds is how freaking many there are to take. My calcium and pre-natal vitamins are so huge, I sometimes "forget" to take them. SO I bought the chewable calcium (caltrate-vanilla flavored!) and pre-natal vitamin gummies  (fruity delicious). I remember inpatient I refused to have the chewables, because of the extra calories, but now I don't worry about it as much. *step in recovery!*

The two pill cases are all my "morning meds." I need two more pill cases for my "throughout-the-day meds" and "nighttime meds." 

I feel like an old person sometimes, especially using pill cases :/

Creative Style

I've been feeling so ugly and down about myself, so on my days off, I've been having fun with my hair and makeup and clothes :) Thought I'd share some of the fun looks I've been doing!

Food For Thought

I am SO HAPPY it's the weekend!!! Seriously, I couldn't be more grateful. I felt so sad yesterday for some reason, work was tedious and it felt like the day would never end. But it ended with...how should I say this, plenty to think about.

Okay, so one of my closest friends is so wonderful and I really love her! She's always so busy and we don't see each other enough, especially after I got home from treatment. I think we've hung out twice in the past six months, and each time I could tell she was holding a lot back. She texts me and lets me know she loves me and asks how I'm doing, but other than that, she's been quite distant. I had no idea what she was holding back, I just knew she's the kind of person who thinks of others first and doesn't like to share her problems because she doesn't want to be a burden to anyone (which she never is btw!).

Well, we were chatting via text last night, and she was finally able to get out everything she was keeping from me, but she was scared to death it might ruin our friendship. Turns out she's been struggling with bulimia and it's gotten pretty bad. She's been doing outpatient treatment since November and working on it, but she didn't want me to know any of this because she didn't want it to trigger me or make my recovery more difficult.

I was completely FLABBERGASTED! (Yes, if you're reading this Andi, I was a bit shocked). I knew something was going on but for some reason the fact that my best friend is struggling with an eating disorder too, just didn't occur to me. I knew she had low self-esteem and body image issues but I didn't know it became a full blown-out ED,

Anyways, I was SO RELIEVED she told me, and she was too. I can't believe she's been holding this in for so long and fighting it by herself. We're going to coffee today in a bit so it'll be so nice to actually TALK and really catch up, not holding anything back.

Other than seeing my dear friend today, I'm playing a new video game I got for my brother and I- it's called Skyrim and it's a huge RPG PS3 game. I used to be really into playing video game when I was growing up, but I've lost interest in them ever since my brother Tyler died. It reminds me so much of him...Maybe I can enjoy playing video games again?

I'm also seeing Beauty and the Beast in 3D at the theater with my little cousins, so that should be fun :) I'll let you guys know how today goes! Hope you're all doing well!!!!

Recharging and Romance

I'm so happy it's Friday :) Last weekend was the work party and night at the Davenport, so I felt like I never actually got to just rest. Going out every weekend drains me and being the introvert I am, I need alone time to recharge. I was planning for this weekend to be a "recharge weekend" but it seems I'm the only one who desires to do absolutely nothing. Rissa wants to go out to this concert tonight, my brother wants to play video games with me, my mom made plans for me to go see Beauty in the Beast with my little cousins in theaters on Saturday, church and small group on Sunday, and I just got a call from Bonnie about how we need to hang out this weekend ASAP.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY QUIET, DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WEEKEND?! I feel quite selfish and horrible for complaining about it, but I really need to recharge. I've noticed my eating disorder becomes louder when I don't recharge and it's been pretty loud all week. 

I almost want to check myself in to the hospital, get away from everyone AND my eating disorder, and just rest. Times like these are the only times being hospitalized is appealing.

Oh yeah, I keep having really intense dreams. Last night, it was all about romance and guys. In the dream, I was treated right by these gentlemanly guy friends of mine and they were so sweet! In the same dream, I went to the bathroom during a concert thing and my dead brother was worried about me because he had a feeling this one guy was up to no good. I ended up being molested by this guy. I get away but he comes back for me later in the dream. My good guy friends protect me from him though.

Weird, huh? Seems spot on though to what I believe about romance. There's wonderful nice guys, but there's also idiots who take advantage of you. I just stay away from romance so I won't have to deal with figuring it out. Probably not the best coping mechanism, and probably why I've never been on a real date.

Done With Therapy?

Wednesdays are always LONG days for me. I get up about 4am and begin working around 5am. Today was actually quite fun and my coworkers were all in a good mood. I usually see my therapist right after work at 3pm. I haven't seen her in 3 weeks so I KNOW I needed to go to this appointment. But when you haven't been going to therapy regularly, it's so difficult to get back into the habit.

I don't enjoy therapy. I rarely, if ever, want to go to therapy. Especially today for some reason. I just felt so exhausted and NOT at all in the mood for processing things I don't even want to think about in the first place. So...I cancelled my appointment. I told my mom my therapist had an emergency and had to cancel. I think my parents would be upset if they knew I was the one who cancelled and I didn't want to have to process why I cancelled it with them.

I just don't want to process period. I was thinking about it today and I've been continuously in therapy, both group and individual, for the past 17 months. Three of those months I was in a treatment facility and doing intense therapy pretty much every day. It WEARS on you. I get so weary of talking about feelings and I'm just at the point where I'm done with it. I don't want to learn anything more about myself. I don't want to talk about why I had a behavior.

I can't just stop though. I know that. I'm not even close to living a recovered lifestyle. I have behaviors everyday. But is therapy really going to help anything? Is this just the way I'm going to be for the rest of my life?

Ugh...just feeling kind of down about my "recovery status." I just want to be normal and not have to think about it anymore.