Self Hatred

Everything was going so well today. Work was awesome- really chill and easy-going. A snow storm hit my city this morning, making it look like those snow globes when you really shake them up. I'm not too fond of snow, particularly because I absolutely hate driving in snowy, icy conditions. My anxiety was through the roof when it was time for me to drive home all the way across town. So I did what any highly anxious person with drugs would do and took a pretty high dosage of Xanax. 

That's when the trouble began. On my way home, I decided for some reason I wanted to binge and purge. Keep in mind, I haven't done this since I got home from treatment. At least not on purpose and going to the store specifically for binge food. I got a pint of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked ice cream, two donuts, and two candy bars. 

I don't know WHY I did it, but it set me up for a pretty horrid night. It wasn't so bad in the binge/purge sense, because I only purged three times, which is actually far from my worst-case scenarios. It was the feelings of self hatred for doing such a shameful thing. 

I feel a bit out of control tonight and really tempted to self-harm. I'm just disgusted with my body and lack of self-control. Something in me wants to just scream. I kind of WANT my parents or someone to get on me for something just so I can freak out and have a reason to scream. 

Am I the only one who has nights like this? I'm just so angry, tired, frustrated, ashamed...I feel reckless and indifferent. 

On a GOOD note, I'm doing what I really don't want to do and treating myself with kindness, even though I don't feel like I deserve it. I'm having G2 gatorade and toast with peanut butter and honey, since I haven't really kept much down. 

I wish I didn't ruin today with my bad behavior. I'm ready for a new day.