Day One of "The Plan"

I'm okay! I did feel quite funny and I think it might have been the whole blood sugar spiking and then crashing thing. I seem to not do well with the sudden onslaught of food in my system when I've been depriving it of anything nutritionally substantial. I also drank a huge glass of gatorade, considering I was also dehydrated from purging so often. 

I emailed my therapist last night, as was planned, my meal plan. For the next seven days I'm supposed to email her my meal plans and text her every time I eat something, whether it went well or not. I actually learned a good deal.

1. I freak out when I have food that was NOT planned beforehand. But I was able to sit with it and be okay.

2. I realized I really do use food and purging as a means to deal with my feelings and numb out. Those negative thoughts and anxiety were much stronger when I was abstaining from purging. I kind of heard this was the truth but never really believed it applied to me until today. 

I kept eating unplanned things, because I felt extremely hungry, which was frustrating because it made me angry with myself. STICK TO THE PLAN. I think the scariest part was, I started to feel normal. Why do I envy normalcy but fear it at the same time? I honestly don't know. I've found myself exploring my emotions this week and the more I've looked into how I feel, the more I realize I have a lot of conflicting thoughts and emotions. It's confusing. It's even more confusing to attempt explaining it to my treatment team. I feel like I'm trying to unravel a terribly knotted ball of yarn. 

Strangely, I don't think I'm more productive at work when I'm not using behaviors to cope. You'd think it'd be the opposite, but I somehow manage to fit in little binge and purge episodes in between getting work done, and STILL get the same amount done. huh...that can't last too long though, can it? I mean, it'll catch up to me eventually.

I was feeling so POSITIVE and like I can do this! I was like, I'm going to not purge for the next seven days, I'm not going to weigh myself, I'm going to stick to my meal plan...very ambitious.

And then the poop hit the fan. I came home to a messy house and messy kitchen which somehow raised my anxiety level ten notches. My brother was a little brat while simultaneously invading my space and not listening to a word when I said STAY OUT OF MY BUBBLE! I ate my planned dinner. Felt too much. And I "made everything better." What I mean to say is, I made all those bad emotions go away. I numbed out. I ate more. Purged. I felt better. I hate to say it, but I felt better.

Better and hopeless. How am I going to escape this cycle? There's so many feelings, I feel overwhelmed. I don't know how I'm going to face these feelings every day. It just seems like TOO MUCH. 

Feeling Odd

Right now, I can't tell if I'm having a panic attack, or if something is really wrong with me. I feel like I can't breathe. So, I'm attempting to distract myself by blogging and if that fails, I'll go get one of my parents. It wouldn't surprise me if I was having a panic attack. At the same time, I also wouldn't be surprised if something is wrong with me. Both are plausible considering my current physical and mental state. 

The past four days have been a series of binges and purges, at least four times a day. Thankfully, I managed to keep dinner last night and dinner tonight, but I'm sure it's not good on my body. Inevitably, the number on the scale has gone up, which hasn't really encouraged me to eat normally. I tend to panic and restrict, which then sets me up for a binge. Go figure. 

I'm feeling funny. I hope it's the effect of food on my body when I've been denying it the proper nutrition. I hope it's my body saying,"YES! Finally you've given me something to work with!"

I'm going downstairs where my family is at present. If it's a panic attack, it'll calm me down. If it's more, at least someone will know.

Team Meeting

I had a team meeting early this morning with my dietician (Viv,) therapist (Monique), and PCP (Dr.White). For most of the meeting I felt confused. I felt like we were going around in circles. They kept turning questions back onto me and I struggled to convey the mixed emotions and thoughts I've been having lately. The main goal of this get together was that treatment the way it is now isn't working and something needs to change. 

I have an idea of where I want to go in life and what I want to do. However, there's this big gap between where I want to be and where I am. I don't know how to breach that gap...one of the biggest things that's going to need to change is my weight. Weight restoration is necessary for recovery and also for further therapy. My mind isn't given the proper nutrition to really make strides in therapy. What became clear to everyone though is I'm not willing and/or unable to restore weight on my own. They all think it's necessary I go to some kind of more intense outpatient, residential, or inpatient treatment. The biggest question is what will my insurance cover. 

I told my team I really want to do this at home and not have to leave my city and job for more treatment. Not only is it an insurance and money issue, it's my desire to stay out of IOP. I don't know if we really came to any solid conclusions concerning what exactly the future holds for me, but we did come up with some concrete goals and things I can do at present.

1. Get back to Dr.White about what's really going on in my head and what the voices are saying when I'm alone, so he can see if he can do anything with my medication.

2. Starting Thursday for seven days, planning when and what I'm going to eat ahead of time and emailing Monique the plan. After I eat, I'll text Monique, even if it's to say I didn't eat or purged. 

3. I'll start seeing Viv twice a week and most likely, Monique twice a week as well.

4. Look into treatment options and if I can take medical leave, most likely in March sometimes. See what my insurance covers where, and find out what (if anything) can work.

Ugh. I'm surprised I didn't put up more of a fight about more intensive treatment. Maybe because it seems like a distant and unlikely thing. They've been talking about it for months, since November, and nothing has come of it so I'm not too worried. At least not yet. 

Can I really start eating though? And keeping it? Can I really do this whole weight gain thing without more intensive treatment? I want to say yes. I want to believe in myself. But when it comes down to it and  words have to turn into actions, I'm not really sure I'm willing. That scares me. Where do I go from here??

Valentines Day

Today would have been my brother Tyler's 20th birthday. I miss him. I wish we could go to Borders Bookstore and split a cheese filled asiago pretzel. He'd get his root beer and I'd get my irish cream nonfat latte with whip cream. He'd read his huge computer animation programming books and I'd flip through books in my stack containing a plethora of genres, from fantasy to biographical. We'd chat in between about whatever came to mind and exchange sarcastic, witty humor whenever we could squeeze it into the conversation.

Now both Tyler and, fittingly, Borders are gone. What a bittersweet day. I selfishly want my brother back here, if only for a bit. I need his understanding, his non-judgmental but honest opinion. I need his hugs. I need the look in his eyes that told me he believed in me and loved me. 

Up and Down

This weekend has had its ups and downs...Yesterday was a definite UP. I was incredibly lazy and enjoyed it. Went on a walk, got pampered at the salon and got my hair trimmed and recolored my signature red/purple. I read books for the rest of the day and in the evening, I put together Valentines day goodie bags for people at work. Last year, I had to go back to the store multiple times to buy more chocolates because I kept bingeing/purging on them. This time, I was able to be ALONE in the house, put together the goodie bags, and NOT binge on them! YAY ME! Oh, and I did my nails yesterday haha

Now TODAY was definitely a downer. Of course, the day I decide to make a YouTube video about bingeing, I end up bingeing AND purging four times. And ironically, I should have taken my own advice I shared in my vid because I set myself up by restricting. It's so easy to see the truth, but much more difficult to LIVE it. 

Despite not having a great day food wise, I'm actually staying positive because I HAVE had some pretty significant victories this week. So ED, leave me alone why don't ya?! 

Creative Style

I've been feeling so ugly and down about myself, so on my days off, I've been having fun with my hair and makeup and clothes :) Thought I'd share some of the fun looks I've been doing!

Food For Thought

I am SO HAPPY it's the weekend!!! Seriously, I couldn't be more grateful. I felt so sad yesterday for some reason, work was tedious and it felt like the day would never end. But it ended with...how should I say this, plenty to think about.

Okay, so one of my closest friends is so wonderful and I really love her! She's always so busy and we don't see each other enough, especially after I got home from treatment. I think we've hung out twice in the past six months, and each time I could tell she was holding a lot back. She texts me and lets me know she loves me and asks how I'm doing, but other than that, she's been quite distant. I had no idea what she was holding back, I just knew she's the kind of person who thinks of others first and doesn't like to share her problems because she doesn't want to be a burden to anyone (which she never is btw!).

Well, we were chatting via text last night, and she was finally able to get out everything she was keeping from me, but she was scared to death it might ruin our friendship. Turns out she's been struggling with bulimia and it's gotten pretty bad. She's been doing outpatient treatment since November and working on it, but she didn't want me to know any of this because she didn't want it to trigger me or make my recovery more difficult.

I was completely FLABBERGASTED! (Yes, if you're reading this Andi, I was a bit shocked). I knew something was going on but for some reason the fact that my best friend is struggling with an eating disorder too, just didn't occur to me. I knew she had low self-esteem and body image issues but I didn't know it became a full blown-out ED,

Anyways, I was SO RELIEVED she told me, and she was too. I can't believe she's been holding this in for so long and fighting it by herself. We're going to coffee today in a bit so it'll be so nice to actually TALK and really catch up, not holding anything back.

Other than seeing my dear friend today, I'm playing a new video game I got for my brother and I- it's called Skyrim and it's a huge RPG PS3 game. I used to be really into playing video game when I was growing up, but I've lost interest in them ever since my brother Tyler died. It reminds me so much of him...Maybe I can enjoy playing video games again?

I'm also seeing Beauty and the Beast in 3D at the theater with my little cousins, so that should be fun :) I'll let you guys know how today goes! Hope you're all doing well!!!!

Recharging and Romance

I'm so happy it's Friday :) Last weekend was the work party and night at the Davenport, so I felt like I never actually got to just rest. Going out every weekend drains me and being the introvert I am, I need alone time to recharge. I was planning for this weekend to be a "recharge weekend" but it seems I'm the only one who desires to do absolutely nothing. Rissa wants to go out to this concert tonight, my brother wants to play video games with me, my mom made plans for me to go see Beauty in the Beast with my little cousins in theaters on Saturday, church and small group on Sunday, and I just got a call from Bonnie about how we need to hang out this weekend ASAP.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY QUIET, DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WEEKEND?! I feel quite selfish and horrible for complaining about it, but I really need to recharge. I've noticed my eating disorder becomes louder when I don't recharge and it's been pretty loud all week. 

I almost want to check myself in to the hospital, get away from everyone AND my eating disorder, and just rest. Times like these are the only times being hospitalized is appealing.

Oh yeah, I keep having really intense dreams. Last night, it was all about romance and guys. In the dream, I was treated right by these gentlemanly guy friends of mine and they were so sweet! In the same dream, I went to the bathroom during a concert thing and my dead brother was worried about me because he had a feeling this one guy was up to no good. I ended up being molested by this guy. I get away but he comes back for me later in the dream. My good guy friends protect me from him though.

Weird, huh? Seems spot on though to what I believe about romance. There's wonderful nice guys, but there's also idiots who take advantage of you. I just stay away from romance so I won't have to deal with figuring it out. Probably not the best coping mechanism, and probably why I've never been on a real date.

Done With Therapy?

Wednesdays are always LONG days for me. I get up about 4am and begin working around 5am. Today was actually quite fun and my coworkers were all in a good mood. I usually see my therapist right after work at 3pm. I haven't seen her in 3 weeks so I KNOW I needed to go to this appointment. But when you haven't been going to therapy regularly, it's so difficult to get back into the habit.

I don't enjoy therapy. I rarely, if ever, want to go to therapy. Especially today for some reason. I just felt so exhausted and NOT at all in the mood for processing things I don't even want to think about in the first place. So...I cancelled my appointment. I told my mom my therapist had an emergency and had to cancel. I think my parents would be upset if they knew I was the one who cancelled and I didn't want to have to process why I cancelled it with them.

I just don't want to process period. I was thinking about it today and I've been continuously in therapy, both group and individual, for the past 17 months. Three of those months I was in a treatment facility and doing intense therapy pretty much every day. It WEARS on you. I get so weary of talking about feelings and I'm just at the point where I'm done with it. I don't want to learn anything more about myself. I don't want to talk about why I had a behavior.

I can't just stop though. I know that. I'm not even close to living a recovered lifestyle. I have behaviors everyday. But is therapy really going to help anything? Is this just the way I'm going to be for the rest of my life?

Ugh...just feeling kind of down about my "recovery status." I just want to be normal and not have to think about it anymore.

Crossroads

There's been so many things I've been running from because they scare me. They're what I fear the most and what hurts the most. It's human nature to avoid pain, so you'd think it's only natural for me to run away from it. But just because it's human nature doesn't mean it's right, and maybe you run too far and end up in more pain than the pain you were originally avoiding.

Ok, enough of the philosophical ramblings. I mentioned in my last blog that I had a really good day of not purging, TWO days of no purging. And yeah, that was great and I'm proud of myself and all, but the two days following my miniature victory were a vomiting nightmare. Quite literally (though I highly doubt I needed to add that statement. You all aren't stupid).

I don't want to purge. I feel closer to death when I purge, which is one of those things I've been trying to avoid thinking about. Not trying to get all mystical on you guys, but I feel death every time I purge. Even when I don't purge, sometimes reality becomes both distant and distinct and I feel death reaching for me.

I don't feel ready to die. I still have things to do, my life to live. But if I've learned one life lesson, I've learned most people don't die when they're ready to die. Death hasn't always been a scary thought, but the thought of dying like this scares the shit out of me. Quite literally (yet again, I didn't need to add that. Blame it on my twisted and perverse humor).

I'm finishing a Vampire Academy book and I had FIVE PAGES to go, when my dad walks in to have a serious talk. Bad timing on his part, but I can't blame him for not knowing my heart was just shattered into a million pieces because Dimitri was turned into a Strigoi, an evil soul-less vampire, and now his true love has to kill him because he's better dead than a Strigoi.

He pretty much told me that he's freaking out because he can literally see me wasting away with every day that passes. He said he can't handle another one of his kids dying. He started to tear up which inevitably meant I began balling. My parents want to meet with my whole treatment team (three people- I feel like I made it sound like a dozen people were treating me or something) to find out what the deal is and where we go from here.

He said I have no margins left. I'm at a pivotal point and he can't just stand by because it affects my whole family.

Great. And I thought the day couldn't get any worse. Maybe all this sarcasm and dry humor is surfacing because I can't handle dealing with it seriously. The weight of it all is too much. I feel like the happiness of so many people rests on my shoulders and I can't bear it by myself. I think my Dad doesn't think I'm trying hard enough to get better, which makes me feel even worse because this IS me trying my hardest.

He's right. I AM dying. They say eating disorders are slow suicide. I, like probably everyone else, thought I was the one and only exception. I thought I could control it. Apparently not.

So here I am sitting in bed, salty tears dried on my face, and a very heavy heart filling my chest. I can't run from the pain anymore because it's cornered me. It's either death or facing the pain I'm not even sure what to name, and I don't want to die yet.

Please, someone tell me dealing with the pain will be worth it. Someone tell me everything will be okay. Because I'm not okay. Not at all.

A Little Sunshine

FINALLY I have something cheerful to write about. I didn't binge or purge at all yesterday. First day being b/p free in at least a month! It was incredibly difficult and I came close to bingeing a few times, but somehow I made it through. I think it helped to have friends who were trying not to b/p and were successful as well. We kind of kept each other accountable, and this time it really worked.

I have yet to b/p today. But to be honest, I'm incredibly tempted. Partially because chocolate chip pancakes are sounding pretty delicious right now, and also because I'm home alone which makes it that much easier since there's no here to question my odd behaviour.

Hence, this blog. I'm doing anything to distract myself.

I had a doctor's appointment today and I suppose it went alright. Though my weight is at my lowest, my bloodwork was okay so that was a relief. He had me do an EKG. I had to put on one of those hospital gowns backwards and I felt irrationally promiscuous with it gaping open, revealing my pierced navel. What was even more embarrassing was the fact I had cuts all over the right side of my stomach and ribs. It was the outcome of feeling horrible after an insane b/p and was slightly ambien-induced. Note to self: Take ambien and go to bed IMMEDIATELY. Otherwise, hallucination will occur.

Anyways, the women doing my EKG was really professional and didn't ask any questions of the cuts or stare at them. I felt awkward enough being so naked in front of another person.

Well, I really can't get my mind off of those chocolate chip pancakes so I'm going to go read at Borders for a bit. I can't believe there's people out there who thinks this recovering thing is easy. It's not, and it pisses me off when people say, "Just eat." They say ignorance is bliss. I say it's just plain stupidity.