Day One of "The Plan"

I'm okay! I did feel quite funny and I think it might have been the whole blood sugar spiking and then crashing thing. I seem to not do well with the sudden onslaught of food in my system when I've been depriving it of anything nutritionally substantial. I also drank a huge glass of gatorade, considering I was also dehydrated from purging so often. 

I emailed my therapist last night, as was planned, my meal plan. For the next seven days I'm supposed to email her my meal plans and text her every time I eat something, whether it went well or not. I actually learned a good deal.

1. I freak out when I have food that was NOT planned beforehand. But I was able to sit with it and be okay.

2. I realized I really do use food and purging as a means to deal with my feelings and numb out. Those negative thoughts and anxiety were much stronger when I was abstaining from purging. I kind of heard this was the truth but never really believed it applied to me until today. 

I kept eating unplanned things, because I felt extremely hungry, which was frustrating because it made me angry with myself. STICK TO THE PLAN. I think the scariest part was, I started to feel normal. Why do I envy normalcy but fear it at the same time? I honestly don't know. I've found myself exploring my emotions this week and the more I've looked into how I feel, the more I realize I have a lot of conflicting thoughts and emotions. It's confusing. It's even more confusing to attempt explaining it to my treatment team. I feel like I'm trying to unravel a terribly knotted ball of yarn. 

Strangely, I don't think I'm more productive at work when I'm not using behaviors to cope. You'd think it'd be the opposite, but I somehow manage to fit in little binge and purge episodes in between getting work done, and STILL get the same amount done. huh...that can't last too long though, can it? I mean, it'll catch up to me eventually.

I was feeling so POSITIVE and like I can do this! I was like, I'm going to not purge for the next seven days, I'm not going to weigh myself, I'm going to stick to my meal plan...very ambitious.

And then the poop hit the fan. I came home to a messy house and messy kitchen which somehow raised my anxiety level ten notches. My brother was a little brat while simultaneously invading my space and not listening to a word when I said STAY OUT OF MY BUBBLE! I ate my planned dinner. Felt too much. And I "made everything better." What I mean to say is, I made all those bad emotions go away. I numbed out. I ate more. Purged. I felt better. I hate to say it, but I felt better.

Better and hopeless. How am I going to escape this cycle? There's so many feelings, I feel overwhelmed. I don't know how I'm going to face these feelings every day. It just seems like TOO MUCH.