Depression

I can hardly believe it's been almost a month since my last post. It's not like nothing has been happening. I'm 99% sure my pro zac isn't working. I've constantly been having really low lows. That ED voice is overwhelming. Sometimes I just curl up and try to block it out. Sounds so pathetic, doesn't it?

I woke up a bit ago at 3am with a stuffed nose, sore throat, and itchy eyes. I'm still a bit surprised how quickly this cold or whatever it is hit me. I usually have a day or two of forewarning, where I can tell I'm getting a bug. I suppose my immune system isn't in tip top shape when I'm so malnutritioned and such.

I'm not really losing weight right now, but I'm looking more emanciated.

I just started a new therapy group tonight. I think it'll be good though I'm slightly triggered by the fact there's other girls my age, around my size or much smaller. My competitive side wants to "play the game" with them and I have to stop my thoughts from going there.

I'm sorry...so many random thoughts. I can't think straight enough to make a good blog. I really don't feel like I'm altogether here at present. I just figured I should at least write something, though poorly written, since it's been far too long. I'll try to make a more comprehensive blog when I'm not feeling so out of it.

Hope you're all doing well.

Fear and Hope

Last week was just a mess. I needed some light, a little hope that food won't always control every aspect of me. Wish granted! I've had two consecutive days of no bingeing or purging. Tomorrow is day three and I feel good about it :)

I've found a meal plan that works for me. I eat every two hours or so, and a protein every four hours. It's working but it's scaring me too because I've gained some weight as a result. Ok, so one pound but it might as well be ten. And YES, it's only been two days. Nonetheless, the idea of gaining weight scares me, like any other eating disordered person.

Being normal size scares me. Because it's not good enough.

The only way I'm sticking to this meal plan is keeping my eyes focused on being healthy, and not the reality of gaining weight. I should just throw my scale out the window. I'd probably do so much better without those numbers in my head.

I think people in recovery have a choice to either focus on their fear of letting go of their unhealthy addiction, or on the hope of what recovery brings- freedom. It's a choice we've got to make every day, hour, minute, and second.

Recovery IS worth it. Recovery doesn't mean you're going to lose control, it means you're going to get control back. Because eating disorders don't give you control, they take it away and leave you with the illusion of control.

You, eating disorder, do not control me anymore. I choose to be free.

Off day

Ok, I have to admit I must be a total idiot but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to reply to comments. I've been wanting to reply to comments on my blog for a fairly long time and for some odd reason, I'm unable to find the right button. So any suggests would be fabulous!

I somehow made it through the day without bingeing or purging. I came close several times, to the point where I had everything set out to binge. I'm glad I didn't. My throat is killing me and I've felt odd all day, especially tonight. I've even ate more than I was planning because I feel like I'm losing my mind...low blood sugar? low potassium?

I told Viv, my dietician, I was going to make it four days without bingeing/purging this week. One day down, three to go!

I saw Black Swan this afternoon and enjoyed it! Though I think people made it sound more contraversial than it actually was. For instance, I had a several people tell me or gossip to someone else that Natalie Portman's character is bulimic, and it would be very triggering for me. For the record, the "bulimia" parts aren't anything special and they were definitely NOT triggering. If anything was triggering, it was just how small all the ballerinas were in general.

I'm tired and wish I could say something interesting, but everything beens "off" today. Nothing feels right. Hope you all are doing well!

Crossroads

There's been so many things I've been running from because they scare me. They're what I fear the most and what hurts the most. It's human nature to avoid pain, so you'd think it's only natural for me to run away from it. But just because it's human nature doesn't mean it's right, and maybe you run too far and end up in more pain than the pain you were originally avoiding.

Ok, enough of the philosophical ramblings. I mentioned in my last blog that I had a really good day of not purging, TWO days of no purging. And yeah, that was great and I'm proud of myself and all, but the two days following my miniature victory were a vomiting nightmare. Quite literally (though I highly doubt I needed to add that statement. You all aren't stupid).

I don't want to purge. I feel closer to death when I purge, which is one of those things I've been trying to avoid thinking about. Not trying to get all mystical on you guys, but I feel death every time I purge. Even when I don't purge, sometimes reality becomes both distant and distinct and I feel death reaching for me.

I don't feel ready to die. I still have things to do, my life to live. But if I've learned one life lesson, I've learned most people don't die when they're ready to die. Death hasn't always been a scary thought, but the thought of dying like this scares the shit out of me. Quite literally (yet again, I didn't need to add that. Blame it on my twisted and perverse humor).

I'm finishing a Vampire Academy book and I had FIVE PAGES to go, when my dad walks in to have a serious talk. Bad timing on his part, but I can't blame him for not knowing my heart was just shattered into a million pieces because Dimitri was turned into a Strigoi, an evil soul-less vampire, and now his true love has to kill him because he's better dead than a Strigoi.

He pretty much told me that he's freaking out because he can literally see me wasting away with every day that passes. He said he can't handle another one of his kids dying. He started to tear up which inevitably meant I began balling. My parents want to meet with my whole treatment team (three people- I feel like I made it sound like a dozen people were treating me or something) to find out what the deal is and where we go from here.

He said I have no margins left. I'm at a pivotal point and he can't just stand by because it affects my whole family.

Great. And I thought the day couldn't get any worse. Maybe all this sarcasm and dry humor is surfacing because I can't handle dealing with it seriously. The weight of it all is too much. I feel like the happiness of so many people rests on my shoulders and I can't bear it by myself. I think my Dad doesn't think I'm trying hard enough to get better, which makes me feel even worse because this IS me trying my hardest.

He's right. I AM dying. They say eating disorders are slow suicide. I, like probably everyone else, thought I was the one and only exception. I thought I could control it. Apparently not.

So here I am sitting in bed, salty tears dried on my face, and a very heavy heart filling my chest. I can't run from the pain anymore because it's cornered me. It's either death or facing the pain I'm not even sure what to name, and I don't want to die yet.

Please, someone tell me dealing with the pain will be worth it. Someone tell me everything will be okay. Because I'm not okay. Not at all.

A Little Sunshine

FINALLY I have something cheerful to write about. I didn't binge or purge at all yesterday. First day being b/p free in at least a month! It was incredibly difficult and I came close to bingeing a few times, but somehow I made it through. I think it helped to have friends who were trying not to b/p and were successful as well. We kind of kept each other accountable, and this time it really worked.

I have yet to b/p today. But to be honest, I'm incredibly tempted. Partially because chocolate chip pancakes are sounding pretty delicious right now, and also because I'm home alone which makes it that much easier since there's no here to question my odd behaviour.

Hence, this blog. I'm doing anything to distract myself.

I had a doctor's appointment today and I suppose it went alright. Though my weight is at my lowest, my bloodwork was okay so that was a relief. He had me do an EKG. I had to put on one of those hospital gowns backwards and I felt irrationally promiscuous with it gaping open, revealing my pierced navel. What was even more embarrassing was the fact I had cuts all over the right side of my stomach and ribs. It was the outcome of feeling horrible after an insane b/p and was slightly ambien-induced. Note to self: Take ambien and go to bed IMMEDIATELY. Otherwise, hallucination will occur.

Anyways, the women doing my EKG was really professional and didn't ask any questions of the cuts or stare at them. I felt awkward enough being so naked in front of another person.

Well, I really can't get my mind off of those chocolate chip pancakes so I'm going to go read at Borders for a bit. I can't believe there's people out there who thinks this recovering thing is easy. It's not, and it pisses me off when people say, "Just eat." They say ignorance is bliss. I say it's just plain stupidity.

Thoughts on Therapy at 4am

It's 4am and I've been wide awake for an hour or so now. I've finally caught up on video comments and messages, and to be honest I feel so blessed. Most people, including many of my friends, don't understand eating disorders which leads them to a) ignore it completely or b) say really stupid things. Both responses are quite frustrating and leave me feeling even more alone. I've found the YouTube community so supportive and I've made great friends that actually get it.

Even though I don't feel like I'm making any progress in recovery, I've actually learned so much from therapy. When I went into therapy for my ED at age 14, I had a great therapist who I loved and we still stay in contact. However, at the time I wasn't willing to open up to her. Whenever we would be getting past the walls I had built around myself, I would shut down. Thus, we never digged into the root of my ED.

This time around in therapy, I've been much more receptive and open to talking about things. I'm okay with crying now and talking about things I've never voiced. And you know what? I am AMAZED at what I've found out about myself. For me, my ED orginated in abuse, feeling misunderstood, and growing up with death always being a topic because of my sick brother.

Everyone is different and that's what's interesting about therapy. I think it would be fascinating to help people dig and learn about themselves, how they tick and why they tick the way they do. I now understand why so many recovered eating disordered people go into therapy or become nutritionists themselves. Once you've been helped, you want to help other people too.

Well, I have much more to say about this week, but I'll leave that for my next video I'll hopefully make tomorrow. I suppose attempt #3 at sleep might be beneficial. I hope you all are doing well. You're support means the world to me!

Confused

The message I've gotten from people over and over in my life is that I shouldn't be feeling what I'm feeling. When I tried to tell people about being sexually abused at 14, the message I recieved was it wasn't a big deal, I'm silly for feeling used and dirty. People wouldn't of said those things if I wasn't so embarrassed by what happened, that I didn't explain it well and left out pretty much all the details.

It was the inability to communicate hindering me, but I wasn't aware of that at the time. I thought I explained it well enough and I was stupid for feeling hurt. I'd like to think my communication skills have at least improved slightly. But yet again, I'm getting the same message: You're feelings aren't justified, you're wrong for feeling hurt.

What am I supposed to do with my feelings then? When I was 14, I used my eating disorder and cutting and pills to deal with feelings I thought weren't supposed to be expressed. In fact, those are the first coping mechanisms I usually run to when I need to deal with negative feelings.

I thought the right answer was to express my feelings in a gentle, upfront way. Apparently I went wrong somewhere. Yet again, the message I got was I shouldn't be feeling hurt and it's not okay to express it because what I'm feeling is WRONG.

I don't know what to do. I've tried doing it the "healthy" way, but it seemed to make things worse. The only thing I have left is eating disordered behaviour, cutting and pills. Primarily my ED, since it's what I'm struggling with the most lately.

I'm wrong. I'm stupid. It's my fault. Something is wrong with me. I'm unloveable. I'm defective. I'm not acceptable. I'm alone. People's friendship with me is charity. All I can trust is ED. He'll never let me down.

And the voices refuse to be silent.