Yesterday was quite horrible. I felt like I was going crazy and of course I forgot to bring my Xanax to work! My self esteem was at an all-time low because my face resembled that of Nanny McPhee's since my skin broke out this weekend. I thought I'd be safe when I got home from the desire to binge but it didn't stop there, and it continued until midnight (my cut-off time). At least I was bingeing on healthier food at home. My mom made me stay on the main floor with everyone because she knew I had been bingeing all day and didn't want me to purge. It annoyed me slightly, I know she was doing it to protect me. If only she knew my body was already protecting me from myself and I literally was unable to purge.
I think anorexics are black and white, all or nothing, and when we're in recovery, it's hard to find that balance. It's either we eat nothing or everything. At least that's how it is for me.
Seeing the weight gain on the scale this morning didn't freak me out like I thought it would. I accepted it. I binged an entire day and didn't gain 20 pounds. Yes, there was weight gain, but I didn't blow up like my ed mind kept imagining over and over. AND I DON'T FEEL GUILTY TODAY! I felt THIN today. What the heck?! Wasn't expecting that.
I'm seeing my dietician today and maybe she can help me figure out how to find this balance???
A list of what I ate because I'm curious (from 7am-12am):
-4 mini bagels with peanut butter and honey
-2 slices of dessert pizza
-2 bananas
-10 chocolate chip cookies
-larabar (nuts and fruit)
-greek yogurt
-1/4 cup nutella
- 1 pk ritz crackers
-loads of graham crackers
-10 mini twix candy bars
-1/2 c sweet potato fries
-1/2 c baby carrots
-1cup steamed veggies
-1 cup mashed potato and celery root
-6 ounces tilapia fish
-1cup lettuce and tomatoes with balsamic
-hot chocolate with almond milk
-yogurt with pineapple slice
-2 coffees with cream and sugar
-2 pcs cake
-2 pcs cake
HOLY MOLY haha I feel like I ate more than that though. At least it was spread throughout the day. Yes, I know I definitely over-ate but looking at this list actually makes me feel even less guilty. HAHA my eating disorder is like,"WTF?! WHY ARE MY GUILT TACTICS NOT WORKING ON HER?!!!!"
POW POW. Yep. I'm a recovery ninja.
to be honest, that list isn't THAT bad! its pretty well all "healthy" foods, with a few treats! and im the same way...ive been anorexic and bulimic, and "normal," and at all times, it's ALWAYS all or nothing! so i hear ya! and i would have a panic attack if my mom kept me from purging! but good on you for dealing with the anxiety bc of not being able to purge! my mom once stood outside my room door to make sure i didn't purge, so i just did it in my garbage...like really quietly...i find that i always find a way...also, my dad once stood outside the washroom, so i just purged during the flush. ED is so damn sneaky...which makes me so damn sneaky. so proud of you tho that you you binged and didn't "bail." keep on "pow-pow-ing"...xoxo a
ReplyDeleteEd IS SO FREAKING SNEAKY! Looking back, I'm amazed I got away with what I did. When your eating disorder wants something, it'll do whatever it takes to get it! When my parents try to stop me from having behaviors, it would always make me even more angry and even more likely to have behaviors. Funny how that works!
DeleteAND p.s. my cutoff time is 12am too! i feel like the day before 12am mightve been nutty, but if i cut it off at 12am, the next day has the potential of being salvaged!
ReplyDeleteOh hun ive so been there! Im in recovery from anorexia but have been experiencing binging lately and its so scary and even scarier when your body simply refuses to purge. I mean its a good thing in one way but terrifying in another. I usually find purging very easy but for some reason the past few days its been near im[possible and its so hard to cope with but i guess its our bodies telling us something. U did so well to cope and not freak out,really well done! Remember tomorrows another day. Lots of love x
ReplyDeleteOh love, I'm sorry you're experiencing bingeing as well! It's so scary but it's your body wanting the nutrition it needs to not only function, but repair what damage Ed has done. Keep fighting!
DeleteOh, do I remember THOSE crazy days of eating and eating...and eating again! It was the hardest part recovery for me. All I can really say is, you have to go through it to get to the other side. I binged like CRAAZY and I'm still alive. Things do get better. I promise. It's a bit like proving to your body that you won't starve it again. Sorry that you're battling "the binge monster," but he'll leave you alone once the "restriction monster" isn't lurking so close. Every time we restrict, there is a binge to follow. It's a tough cycle to break, but you've got it in you! You go Rae!
ReplyDeleteI am kind of stuck in this same place. Between restricting and wanting to binge (chew/spit), etc. It is so black and white as you say! It is driving me nuts. I am trying so hard to stay balanced, but I am so freaked out. I can totally relate to you!
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