Mission Pow Pow went well today! Definitely not perfect, but I'm learning to allow myself to not be perfect. I stuck to my goals mentioned in the previous post pretty well and tomorrow I'll do it again.
The biggest problem I ran into was unplanned events. Why does unplanned availability/unavailability of food create such anxiety?
Those who are eating disordered tend to be black and white thinkers, extreme, and perfectionistic. Gray areas just aren't acceptable because there's so much uncertainty involved. Black and White are easy to control whereas gray in definition is unpredictable.
Finding the balance of planning my meals, sticking to them, but making allowances for things like a coworker bringing in cookies or forgetting my planned lunch (which happened today) is SO DIFFICULT.
Any advice? Is it something I just have to keep practicing?
I relate so much! After the hospital, and after residential, php and even OP, if I left the house without a snack in my bag, I panicked! What if I feel hungry? What if I get stranded, and need food? Also, going to work, and having someone so thoughtfully bring in bagels... AHH! But, I realized how much it was about being perfect. It was drilled into my head that I cannot restrict, so I had to always have something the moment I felt hungry, and people bringing things in, well, that isn't in my daily plan... It would be messed up, unscheduled, and not ok! But, it's just an extension of the ED. Letting go of strict rules, and being open to getting creative if the pantry doesn't have what we've planned.
ReplyDeleteIt took me a long time to be more open and realize that if I didn't have a snack at the very moment, it's ok. Also, some of the best things I've tasted, or the best meals I've enjoyed, was ones at work that coworkers had made.
It's practice. The more you get into recovery, the more your mind opens up to the possibility that food doesn't have to be rigid.
Recovery takes a long time. You will face many challenges, but it's another step of recovery!
Keep going! Don't get discouraged, and really learn from this, and see whats is ED about it, and what's not.
Also, just because you're doing poorly, doesn't mean you've gone back! I had the same situation and was told to pack my bags, but I turned it around. I knew if I overcame it, I'd be so much stronger in recovery:)
hey missy! i watch you religiously on youtube, so i decided to follow your blog too!
ReplyDeletei am the same way with food. if a plan to eat something, and it isn't there, i just freak the "eff" out. i need things to work out as planned, otherwise, i just dismiss them altogether. if i forgot my lunch, i would probably just say that it was a sign to skip it and just do that. but you have to fight the urges and the tendancies. its hard to eat things that people bring bc you are clueless about the numbers (calories, amounts, etc). but each time you fight it, you are getting that much better.
so my advice to you, is to keep going with the flow, and like you wrote, being okay with "the gray." people without eating disorders can just wing it in terms of their meals. they have many options available to them. whereas we with eating disorders set our minds to one thing and that's the only thing we can have. so yes, if you forget ur lunch, try so hard to allow yourself to eat what you can with the options available. life isn't perfect; that's a lesson im still trying to learn!
xoxo a
Thanks! The "gray" is scary territory but I'm learning it's okay and not so bad :) I've starting reading your blog too and I really hope you decide to keep fighting this stupid eating disorder! It's worth it.
DeleteSee, I know it would be a good idea to bring a snack with me always, but I get scared because I feel like if I bring something, I HAVE to eat it. Weird, huh? I hope we can both learn how to cope with plans being changed without freaking out!!
ReplyDelete