The Ghost of Me

Andi and I had fun last night. We didn't even watch a movie or anything, all we did was talk till the wee hours of the morning. We talked about everything, but especially eating disorder related topics. I forget Andi hasn't had the opportunity to be a part of an ED group therapy setting, or around other girls with eating disorders who are positive and encouraging each other in their recovery. I can see how much it helps her to know she's not alone and to have someone who understands because they've been there. It's comforting for me too, to have someone who I've loved for years understand this part of me on a deeper level.

She told me about what it was like to see me right before I left for treatment. To be honest, I don't remember much of last March and April. There's a patchwork of memories from that time, but it's mostly things I've pieced together from what others told me. It's weird to not remember a part of your life, like you have amnesia or something. Anyways, she told me she cried after she saw me. I wasn't very coherent, lost track of what I was saying all the time, I was shaking the whole time. I guess Andi asked if I had anything to eat yet and I didn't really have a good reply. I agreed I probably needed something (which tells me even I knew something was very wrong), but I couldn't eat anything at the coffeeshop so I had her take me home. I think I did that because eating out wasn't safe. Eating at all wasn't safe- but if I had to eat, I was going to do it at home in a controlled environment where I could measure out exactly what I was having and no one was watching me.

From what friends have imparted to me concerning that time, I had to bail out many times because of my health- the shaking, passing out, chest pains. I wasn't "alive," but simply "existing." 

I'm sad and scared, because I'm not too far away from being there all over again. Unless I get my weight up and decrease behaviors, I'm going to be living deja vu and lose another few months of memory. Can I do this outpatient though? Or am I already too far gone to do it on my own?