Renewed Resolve

Last night my mom randomly asked me to put some time aside this weekend to talk about my eating disorder-where I'm at, how I'm feeling about it, how my parents feel, make some boundaries etc. I sort of had a panic attack. WHY WOULD SHE TELL ME THIS?! Now I had to wait in anticipation and anxiety, wondering how exactly this conversation would play out. My anxiety was so high, I finally got my parents to just talk about it right then and there.

I was honest- I'm up and down in recovery. I voiced the thought that's been lurking in the back of my mind for the past couple days: I feel like giving up on recovery. I'm so tired of fighting.

I couldn't help crying when I told my dad how hurt I was when he said my PB & J sandwich wasn't nutritious enough for dinner (see previous post). He understood and apologized. I'm glad I brought it up.

Overall it was a good conversation. Now my parents know where I'm at in recovery and I guess we're going to be "communicating" more often.

AND NOW FOR THE BIG NEWS! My family is planning to go to San Diego in June! My dad is speaking at a conference, for real this time.

Okay, so last May my family was supposed to go to California because my dad was speaking at a conference and we were going to hit up Disneyland and SeaWorld while we were down there. For weeks, I tried to convince my family and team that I was well enough to go to Disneyland and I thought I had them convinced, but then my health took a turn for the worst. The day I was supposed to go to Disneyland with my family, I went to Remuda Ranch for inpatient treatment instead. My dad had to cancel his speaking engagement and the entire trip because of me. I felt incredibly guilty, you have NO IDEA.

This is my chance to redeem myself- to be healthy enough this time around to actually go to Disneyland with my family. I don't think my parents realized it, but this vacation has given me a renewed resolve to beat my eating disorder. I WANT to be well enough to go, and the way I've been living- I would have been in the hospital instead of Disneyland AGAIN.

I will fight you Ed, and you will lose.

Kicking Ed's ass, one supplement at a time!