"Normal"

It took me a good hour to get out of bed this morning. I kept giving myself five more minutes, thinking then I might have the energy to roll out of bed. When I finally managed to rouse myself from my comfy warm bed, I stumbled on in to the bathroom. I didn't even need my contacts or glasses to see what I was in the mirror- normal. My body didn't have those defining features of someone who is malnourished. I simply looked normal. Even after putting my glasses on and actually being able to see myself in the mirror, I was convinced I looked completely normal.

Looking normal terrifies me. I hate it. 

I can't help but wonder why though. Is it some shallow thought of mine, that I can barely stand the hint of normalcy in my body? Why does it disgust me so much? This feeling and belief doesn't extend beyond me, I only apply it to myself. Other people look lovely at a normal weight. But why not me? The sad part is I'm not even a normal weight, yet I've convinced myself I look like it- twenty pounds of imaginary flesh and fat.

I don't have an answer, though I wish I knew it. All I know is this feeling leaves me feeling sad, depressed, disgusting, and shallow.