Nose Bleeds

My last blog kind of ended with me in an incredibly bad mood. I thought the night couldn't get worse. Oh, but it can.

My night was filled with behaviors aka lots of purging. I decided to take a bath and while I was in my bath, my nose started gushing blood. I was freaked out, and that's putting it mildly. There was blood everywhere and I actually still need to clean the bathroom up, now I think about it. I've never seen that much blood and it scared me. I was shaking so badly too, I could barely make it to my room. 

I called my dietician (at 11pm at night- I was desperate) and she wanted me to go to the emergency room. There's no way I wanted my dad to know though. I'm ashamed that I'm obviously struggling with my eating disorder, and I can't bear to see the disappointment mixed with fear in his eyes. Viv finally talked me into calling the nurse on call hotline for group health. The nurse calmed me down a bit- told me what to do for my nosebleed which I WAS NOT doing. I honestly had no idea what to do with a nosebleed and pretty much was doing the exact opposite of what she was saying.

NOTE TO EVERYONE AND MYSELF: When having a major nosebleed, sit up straight, tilt your head forward, and pinch the fleshy part of your nose. Take a cold pack wrapped in a rag, and apply kind of on/beneath the nose and cheeks. THE KEY: SIT STILL and DO NOT check your nose to see if it's still bleeding every five seconds. DO NOT MOVE. Stay like this for ten minutes, check, if still bleeding, repeat. If it's STILL bleeding, ya, you're in trouble. Go to the ER.

I honestly have the hardest time not moving. I think I made it a few minutes at a time without moving, which was an improvement from before I was given instructions.

My nose finally stopped bleeding, two hours after it had started. I drank two huge things of gatorade, ate a banana and cottage cheese too. I feel much better now, but this little scare was a wake-up call. I can't keep doing this. It's kind of getting out of control. I talked to Viv again after the bleeding stopped, and she said she's thinking I need some intensive treatment asap. Great. 

It's days like this I feel hopeless and like it'll never get better. I need it to get better though. Because living like this isn't living at all- it's existing.