Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Fear and Hope

Last week was just a mess. I needed some light, a little hope that food won't always control every aspect of me. Wish granted! I've had two consecutive days of no bingeing or purging. Tomorrow is day three and I feel good about it :)

I've found a meal plan that works for me. I eat every two hours or so, and a protein every four hours. It's working but it's scaring me too because I've gained some weight as a result. Ok, so one pound but it might as well be ten. And YES, it's only been two days. Nonetheless, the idea of gaining weight scares me, like any other eating disordered person.

Being normal size scares me. Because it's not good enough.

The only way I'm sticking to this meal plan is keeping my eyes focused on being healthy, and not the reality of gaining weight. I should just throw my scale out the window. I'd probably do so much better without those numbers in my head.

I think people in recovery have a choice to either focus on their fear of letting go of their unhealthy addiction, or on the hope of what recovery brings- freedom. It's a choice we've got to make every day, hour, minute, and second.

Recovery IS worth it. Recovery doesn't mean you're going to lose control, it means you're going to get control back. Because eating disorders don't give you control, they take it away and leave you with the illusion of control.

You, eating disorder, do not control me anymore. I choose to be free.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Off day

Ok, I have to admit I must be a total idiot but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to reply to comments. I've been wanting to reply to comments on my blog for a fairly long time and for some odd reason, I'm unable to find the right button. So any suggests would be fabulous!

I somehow made it through the day without bingeing or purging. I came close several times, to the point where I had everything set out to binge. I'm glad I didn't. My throat is killing me and I've felt odd all day, especially tonight. I've even ate more than I was planning because I feel like I'm losing my mind...low blood sugar? low potassium?

I told Viv, my dietician, I was going to make it four days without bingeing/purging this week. One day down, three to go!

I saw Black Swan this afternoon and enjoyed it! Though I think people made it sound more contraversial than it actually was. For instance, I had a several people tell me or gossip to someone else that Natalie Portman's character is bulimic, and it would be very triggering for me. For the record, the "bulimia" parts aren't anything special and they were definitely NOT triggering. If anything was triggering, it was just how small all the ballerinas were in general.

I'm tired and wish I could say something interesting, but everything beens "off" today. Nothing feels right. Hope you all are doing well!