Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011 in Review Part 2

August: After three long months of treatment in Arizona, I came home. my family started following my meal plan too and everyone was happy. My parents kept telling me how proud they were of me...I was okay my first month back home. I ate what I was supposed to, replaced calories if I purged (which I was still doing all throughout treatment after my feeding tube was taken out) and I started working on building muscle. I LOVED getting my body back into shape. I hung out with friends before they left for the air force or college and we had fun- riding horses, going to a Michael Buble concert :)

September: I started a new job at an orthopedic surgery center, though my treatment team wasn't to happy about it. Though I love my new job, sometimes I wonder if they were right and it was too early for me to go back into a full time job. But I was going STIR CRAZY at home doing nothing but going to appointments. Also, all my friends left Spokane so I wasn't getting out much and I felt so lonely. My eating disorder started creeping back in, with the stress of starting a new job and being too tired to work on building muscle.

October-November: I had two weeks of a lot of behaviors in October which put me in a bad spot. I felt quite horrid for letting everyone down. I don't really have many (actually, practically none) pictures from these months.

December: So much has happened! With the threat of inpatient again, I got my act together for the first few weeks of December. Christmas proved to be incredibly stressful though and behaviors increased again, but I'm getting back on track again! My sister came for Christmas with her hubby and my adorable little niece! It was the first time I got to see her since I was in treatment when she was born.

Glad 2011 is over!!!

2011 in Review

January: We had a leak and my Dad went on the roof to fix it. He ended up falling off the roof because it was like a sheet of ice. He fell on a cement block and was pretty banged up- had a few broken ribs too. YIKES! I remember I felt very conflicted about recovery at this point. I had some really good days and some really bad days. I ended up cutting a few times. One time, I was on a lot of ambien, severely depressed and hallucinating. I ended up cutting the side of my torso, a bit more artistically than usual.

February: My mom's current hobby was baking cakes and decorating them. She began this new little hobby of hers near the beginning of my relapse Summer 2010. I knew how much my mom needed a hobby to cope with life and also, my eating disorder. But her hobby just made my eating disorder worse, even though she tried to keep the frosting and cakes put away when I was around. I would find them or when she wasn't looking, I'd eat some or steal it away for bingeing/purging later. I felt bad because I didn't want to ask her to give up her hobby because of my eating disorder. I felt like I should be able to handle it, you know? I made a cake for my friend Nicole's birthday. It was my way of trying to connect and be OKAY around it. I never was okay around it though. Behaviors always followed.

March: My sister came to visit and she was six months pregnant! She's my best friend and I missed her so much. I felt like she was moving on in life and LIVING and I was stuck in the hell of the eating disorder. I became increasingly depressed.

April: I don't remember much of this month. My health dramatically declined. My family was supposed to go to Disneyland in May and my treatment team and parents were deciding if I was well enough to go. I REALLY wanted to go so I tried to pretend I was fine, but it was obvious I was when I almost had a heart attack. My labs were a mess and I was medically unstable. My mind couldn't think and I guess, it was probably the worst month of my life, next to the month my brother died.

May: It was decided I needed to either be hospitalized or be sent to an inpatient facility for eating disorders, since my city doesn't have much to offer for eating disorders. So instead of going to Disneyland, I went down to Arizona to Remuda Ranch. It was scary at first. I had a feeding tube for the first month. It was physically and mentally painfully as I began weight restoration. I met a lot of AMAZING girls there though and their support meant the world to me. They made my 22nd birthday so special!

June-July: I was moved to the Remuda Life Progam which is residential and you live in a house a other ED girls. They didn't do feeding tubes at RLP so I had to continue weight restoration with Ensure +, which I struggled with immensely! Also, I went from 24/7 supervision to a good deal of more freedom. I could easily purge in my bathroom at my house, and there was a plethora of food in the kitchen. I began purging again, secretly exercising, cutting, and sometimes bingeing. My depression was HORRIBLE. I was having panic attacks constantly. They upped my dosage of ProZac though and it helped so much!!! I had the best roommate ever, Hali, and though we had our ups and downs, we had fun together- singing and playing the piano, sneaking out sometimes, going to the mall, and such. I learned SO MUCH at RLP and I'm so happy I was able to be there. Though, my entire treatment team there and here agrees I left inpatient too soon. I had gained 12 pounds inpatient and 13 pounds at RLP. I was still 5 pounds away from my goal weight by the end.

Part 2 to follow! I'm going to see Girl With The Dragon Tattoo with Nicole so I'll make Part 2 afterwards!!!!


Well, I tried to use tumblr for my blogs but I like this format so much more! So I'll be regularly blogging on here again! I updated what blogs I have written recently on tumblr onto my blog here, so that's why there's a bunch of new posts in one day.

Overall, A Fun Night!- Dec 30, 2011

So you all know I was feeling so down from that negative comment left on my YT. I didn’t feel like going out or doing anything other than staring at a wall. But I’m glad I did :) Caryssa, my brother and his friend Alec went to the roller-skating rink. We used to go there with my church every year, the day after Thanksgiving for the “Turkey Skate-Off” but my church stopped doing that when we were teenagers so we both haven’t been since.

Funny how nothing’s changed there! Except maybe everyone seems so young and small. Most people there were kids, parents, or teenagers. Caryssa and I were a rare species and unintentionally drew some attention from the guys our age who were employees. We had fun and took lots of pictures!

However, an hour into the 2 1/2hr skate time, I had to stop. I felt shaky and my heart was beating rapidly. I felt so bad for Rissy because I felt like I ruined her fun, but she assured me she was just fine stopping. Haha, we were like old ladies- she has rheumatoid arthritis and I have osteoporosis. GREAT. My ankles were hurting so badly and I just felt so drained! I used to run for two hours straight, on average 10 miles every day and I can’t ROLLERBLADE for ONE HOUR?!

I suppose it was my own fault for not really eating for a few days and then thinking I’d be just fine doing this exercise. Apparently, the body doesn’t do well went it doesn’t have fuel.

So we picked up pepperoni pizzas and headed back home with the boys. Rissy and I watched Tim Hawkins DVDs, a comedian, and ate pizza.

It’s embarrassing to say, but I didn’t keep the pizza. Boo me! So I replaced it with food I knew I’d keep- 2% cottage cheese, gatorade, and REAL hot chocolate with cream. I feel guilty for even that but I keep telling myself food is fuel and my body needs it to work properly.

Negative Comments- Dec 30, 2011

My dad is making orange rolls, and in order to escape the strong desire to have behaviors, I figured I’d blog on here.

So I got this comment today on one of my YT videos from a few months ago:

“You have an eating disorder? But you’re so fat??”

I’ve only ever gotten TWO negative comments on the 80 YT videos I’ve made. People have so many encouraging things to say, so why do these two negative comments affect me so deeply? This comment only seemed to reinforce my eating disorder.

So today BEGAN well, but now I’m feeling sort of sad and hopeless. I don’t want to do anything today, but I have plans I already made and they were supposed to fun. I’m taking my 14 year old brother to exchange the Toms shoes he got for christmas. And this afternoon my friend Rissa and I are going roller skating, which I haven’t done in years! My parents will be out to dinner with friends, so I said I’d take my brother and his friend as well. Afterwards, a movie and pizza! Probably won’t eat the pizza but maybe I can build up the courage.

My dad is making orange rolls right now. FML. I wish I could have one without feeling insanely guilty. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll try.

Ed's even with you at the movies- Dec 29, 2011

I worked an early shift again today and was at work at 5pm. It was just the right amount of busy. But today I kept getting SO IRRITATED with patients! I mean, seriously. At first, I thought it was probably the patient, but once I realized this was becoming a reoccurring theme for the day, I figured it was probably me. Most likely a combination of little sleep and malnutrition because lets face it- I’ve been treating my body like shit since October. It didn’t really recovery from my last bout of anorexia before treatment. Yeah, I gained about 25 pounds in three months of treatment, but I never made it to my ideal goal weight. And i don’t think three months of proper nutrition can really fully fix the damage done of an intense year of relapse.

Today was the first purge free day in I don’t know HOW long. The key for me to get back on track seems to be doing a liquid only diet for about a week or so and increase the calorie intake. Then gradually reintroduce solid foods. The only problem with this “reset recovery button” of sorts is the increase of calories in liquid form and of course, the switch to solid foods.

Gosh, why does this have to be so COMPLICATED?! I’ll take today’s success though ;) I have a doctors appointment next week so I better shape up by then. Seriously.

After work, I had an unplanned starbucks drink while waiting for my mom to finish her scavenging at a bulk bead sale since she was my ride. She’s really into serious beading and sometimes sells some of her stuff. Despite anxiety about unplanned calories consumed, I managed to enjoy sitting there in that little sbux.

I went to see the new Mission Impossible movie with my friend Rissa at the theaters and it was so much fun! What bothered me though was no matter where I went this afternoon, I couldn’t completely separate myself from the eating disorder. The overwhelming smell of buttered popcorn, a girl I run into in the bathroom who is pretty damn thin, wondering if someone is purging while I’m in the massive bathroom as well. Having to recount calories spent on my iPhone during the movie, and recounting again in case I did it wrong the first time….

….This disorder takes SO MUCH ENERGY, which is part of the reason we like it- it gives our minds something to focus on instead of the scary shit we’re trying to forget.

Better- Dec 27, 2011

Thank you guys SO MUCH for your advice and encouragement. It means so much to me! I am feeling a lot better after I met with my dietician. She also had an urgent order sent out for my labs because she was really worried about my potassium levels being too low. Apparently, I looked quite horrible :/

I’m feeling more calm. Ate some food and that helped to I suppose ;) I work early tomorrow morning and so I’m going to bed ASAP. I’m happy today is almost over. The spaghetti dinner wasn’t so horrible either! I don’t remember if I wrote about that actually…but I ended up having baked sweet potato instead of the pasta, and I also had salad and a bread roll. Not too bad, eh?


Please Tell Me It'll Be Ok- Dec 27, 2011

I’m sitting at sbux nearly having a full out panic attack. I feel like I’m at the lowest of lows and I’m so incredibly depressed. I found out we’re having a spaghetti dinner tonight and my grandparents are coming over, and that just threw me over the edge. I can’t do it, but if I admit that, the shame and guilt of disappointing everyone is overwhelming. I feel like I’m going to be swallowed up by tears threatening to escape these glassy eyes of mine. I don’t want to be here! I hate this sad place filled with despair. I hate feeling defeated. I hate feeling I’m about to lose everything.

I’m feeling too much all at once. Too much. All I want to do is run away but I can’t. I’m chained to this ship that’s being torn apart by stormy seas. It’s sinking and I’m going with it. And it’s not romantic at all. There’s no beauty in this demise. Only regret, despair, and bracing of the inevitable.

Hopeless? - Dec 26, 2011

I’ll be honest. I’m not doing good, and I’m freaking out about it. This isn’t supposed to happen!!! I’m supposed to be in recovery, starting to live life again. Yes, bumps in the road were expected but not this.

And I can’t stop. I’m trying and trying but I can’t. I used to have these dreams where something crazy would be happening and all of a sudden I couldn’t open my eyes. It was like they were glued shut. My brain would tell them to OPEN but they wouldn’t, all the while there’s something big happening around me and I’m in danger.

That’s how I feel. I’m telling my eating disorder to STOP IT, for my eyes to open and I can avoid the danger surrounding me, but I can’t. No matter how loud I scream and shout and think, I can’t open my eyes. Danger is inevitable. It’s just a matter of when.

I’m scared I’m going to lose my job. I’m scared I’m going to have to be hospitalized. I’m scared I’m going to die like this. God, please please please help me. What do I do? I feel like I can’t stop it.

All the while, my mom only opens her mouth to tell me to do something. Otherwise she’s silent- not expressing anything but disapproval. She’s sad. She’s crushed. And it’s 99.9% my eating disorders fault. I know she blames me. I know my parents think I can choose to not do behaviors, but I’m at the point where it’s not even a choice anymore. For a time, yes, I had enough of my mind to where I could choose to say no, but I’m past that. Again.

Sorry for being depressing. Sorry for being so hopeless. But I haven’t voiced these thoughts. I haven’t even put words to them till now. What do I do? I’m seeing my dietician tomorrow so maybe she can help me. I don’t know how, but maybe she can give me a little hope I can hold onto.

Cigarettes- Dec 14th, 2011

So. You guys have to understand my family dynamics before I tell you what crap went down today. My dad’s a pastor and comes from a line of pastors that goes back several generations. He also has a degree in counseling and works with a lot of alcoholics and addicts.

My parents have both never even TASTED alcohol once or smoked or done anything like that. They both waited for marriage for sex. They’re yes, practically saints according to a lot of people’s definition of sainthood.

When I was at Remuda, I would smoke with my friends who smoked. We would sneak out and smoke sometimes. I never felt addicted and never felt like I needed a cigarette for any reason. It was purely for social reasons and because we were so controlled down to not even being able to flush our own toilets, it was fun to break the rules sometimes.

Since I’ve been home these past five months, I’ve smoked three times. I had a pack in my purse that I had forgotten about and meant to get rid of it forever ago. I just forgot. WELL. My 14 year old brother decided to go through my purse for some reason while I was on a walk and he found my cigarettes. Apparently I scarred him. Not like almost dying and being hospitalized for months wasn’t scarring enough.

When I got home, boy was I in trouble. My dad went off on me, though I will say he actually didn’t full out yell at me so I suppose it could have been worse. My mom is incredibly angry with me as well. What I got from their rebuke was that I’m STUPID because only stupid people smoke, I can’t live under their roof if I’m going to be doing any addictive behavior like smoking, and well…I’m crap. I’ve ruined everyone’s lives. And apparently the cigarette business made it THAT much worse.

Could I feel worse about myself? Now I just feel like crap. ON TOP OF THAT, we had a family therapy session yesterday and I’m pretty sure the room was flooded with my tears. Nothing good seems to of come from it. I feel misunderstood by my mom. I wonder, what’s the point in even trying to express how I feel when my mom takes it the wrong way?

I feel worthless. I feel despicable. Who knew cigarettes could cause such havoc?