Thursday, January 31, 2013

Meal Plans Past/Future

Ok peeps! This is what I've BEEN eating for the past three months:

oatmeal+craisins+almonds+almond milk
vanilla soy cream+coffee

Morning Snack

high protein dry-mix soup (curry lentil, corn chowder, or split pea)

Afternoon Snack
almond milk

yukon gold potatoes+ketchup
boca burger+spinach+salsa

Sometimes I'd eat more or less, depending on how I felt or if I was more physically active.

What I PLAN on eating starting next week:

2pc toast+almond butter+jam
vanilla soy cream+coffee

Morning Snack

tortilla wrap+hummus+edamame+red pepper+spinach+cucumber

Afternoon Snack

Quinoa+steamed broccoli+tofu+teriyaki sauce
red pepper

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Life Happens.

I don't really want to talk about it, simply recognize it happened and it sucked. However, I had the nicest cop ever. He didn't give me the ticket I deserved, which would have been much more expensive. Before he left, he told me this doesn't mean I'm a bad person, I just made a mistake. I did really well with it all until he said that- then the tears started flowing. It took a good 30 minutes for them to stop.

What can I say, life happens. After my blissful weekend, life is really raining on my parade. My grandpa's dementia is getting really bad. It's so hard to watch this great, wonderful man lose his mind. Ryan didn't get a job he wanted in town and there's just so many uncertainties, it's hard not to live in fear.

I also couldn't exercise Monday and Tuesday. I fell down icy stairs Friday and it really messed with my back. I felt like I had a pinched nerve or something and it was really bothering me. I was surprised by how much I freaked out by not being about to exercise. It was a wakeup call for sure...I need to watch myself and make sure I don't become addicted to exercise again. I worked out today and am feeling much better about myself, though I don't think the problem was ever really addressed.

I'm also getting SUPER SUPER burnt out on my food. I've been eating the same thing everyday for the past few months. The thought of another potato for dinner makes me feel nauseous. So I'm switching it up starting Monday! Ryan asked me why I can't just start now. I told him I needed to finish the food I have now. True, most of what I eat isn't going to go bad for awhile. I realized though I have a problem with having more than one food option per meal in the house. It's easier for me to have just enough food and every meal to be predictable. It eases the anxiety of it all. This realization only surprised me because I didn't know I still struggled with it. I mean, I'm in recovery but apparently I'm not "recovered" yet. I still have food issues, even though I am not bingeing or purging or restricting. I wonder if I'll ever be recovered???

I was thinking about posting what I've been eating on a daily basis for the past few months and what I plan to switch to as of Monday. Let me know if you guys are interested and I'll make the post tonight!

Sunday, January 27, 2013


Yep, that's right. Today is day 30 of no eating disorder behaviors! I've had this goal for so long and reaching it seemed like an impossible dream.

Life is good. I love living independent of my family. I enjoy my job. I have a sweet boyfriend and I never want to let go of him. I'm weight restored and behavior free for the first time in years. I'm exercising and eating healthy and NORMALLY. I'm at peace with my body. I'm learning to like it's shape.

Could I be any happier?

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Gym Rats

I love Saturdays. I took an extra dose of seroquel last night and slept beautifully. I woke up still in a drugged fog but it felt wonderful to be relaxed and have the sun peaking through the shades while I'm snuggled up in my feather duvet. I ate my oatmeal with dried fruit, almonds and almond milk, and had my french press coffee. I did NOT want to get out of bed and go to the gym, where I feel like a complete failure.

But I did go. It took some motivation from the boyfriend and ten minutes looking through pinterest workout motivation posts. Apparently everyone else thought going to the gym at 11am was a good idea too. There weren't any treadmills available and my YMCA is new and HUGE. I messed around on the elliptical for a few minutes to get warmed and snagged a treadmill when someone finally gave theirs up.

On both sides of me were two gym rats. You know the type. The girl on my right doing all sorts of intervals at different speeds. The one on the left was running at an insane high speed and maintaining it until her time ran out. She stopped and caught her breath for a minute and restarted the treadmill for another sixty minutes at a break-a-neck speed. I know these girls because I used to be one of them. It's like a special club. You never speak to each other but give a knowing nod whenever your eyes happen to meet. I used to walk proudly at the gym like I owned the place. 

Now I keep my head down and eyes averted from everyone in close proximity. I am ashamed. My membership to the gym rat club has expired. I no longer belong with the elite. I'm just another lumpy, out of shape, commoner. 

I had these thoughts while I was running/walking and I almost went back to my car so I could go home and mope.

It's true. I'm no longer a gym rat. I am aiming for a life of balance that extends into my exercise regime. I will most likely never be a gym rat again because it's not healthy for me. I'm learning to be okay with it too. It's just not easy to let go of the title I used to be so proud of...

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Work Party

I'M ON DAY 19 OF NO BEHAVIORS!!! I made a record of 16 days behavior free on Sunday, and my reward was that I would allow myself to start working out again. I was so excited to feel better about my body again and feel STRONG. I began a six week challenge blog:

Well, if you read my latest blog on that blog, you'll know my workout plan was total fail. My body is so out of shape, it's discouraging. I want to give up and just not eat. I won't do that, but the temptation is there.

This weekend I had our work (belated) christmas party. Ryan was my date and it was so fun to dress up and feel pretty. I bought this beautiful dress a few weeks prior but was unsure if I would actually wear it. It's a form fitting sort of dress and I felt very self-conscious wearing it. Last year's work party I brought my friend Caryssa and I weighed twenty pounds less than I do now. I was so afraid of people talking behind my back saying things like,"Wow, she HAS gained a lot of weight. She is looking chubby now." 

However, I got a lot of good compliments on how I looked this year. Having Ryan there for support was great too. He thought I looked beautiful and sexy :) So I guess I can accept that. 

We had free wine and dinner and danced a bunch! Ryan came to MY work party and got a free beer, $25.00 Home Depot gift card, a huge jar full of peanut M&Ms, and a dollar bill. How did he win everything and I didn't?! RUDE. ;)

Me at last year's party:

This year's party:

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Working Out Or Starving

Hello again :) I've been thinking about this blog and wanting to write something on here for some time. There's certain things I cannot voice in my day-to-day life but I can say here, and those things have been building up lately. 

I have been doing great. I have a job I enjoy, I'm not living at home anymore but with friends and LOVING it, I have a boyfriend I adore- I couldn't ask for anyone better. I've been weight restored since November and maintaining. I purge less frequently- once or twice every two weeks or so (much better than 3-6 times per DAY)...

I am loving life. The only thing I'm unhappy about is my body. I hate it so much. My stomach extends into a lumpy roundish thing, my thighs touch, my sides hang over my jeans...I have a work party tonight and a dress that's ADORABLE, but all I can see is my imperfections- a body that does not do the dress justice.

I've been having an overwhelming amount of eating disordered thoughts I don't act on, but still they linger.

My only hope right now is starting to work out again on Monday. Maybe then I'll be okay with this body at this weight. However, I'm afraid of what happens if working out fails me. It'd be so easy to go back to my eating disorder behaviors. I'll have thoughts that say, "Just don't eat this week. You'll lose a few pounds and feel better." But I want to start working out and I've learned you can't do both. I need energy to work out. Running on fumes in not enjoyable and ASKING for trouble. I've done that before. I'm either eating and working out, or not eating and not working out. It's one or the other.

These are my honest thoughts, eating disordered they may be. Still, it feels nice to get them out somewhere.