Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011 in Review Part 2

August: After three long months of treatment in Arizona, I came home. my family started following my meal plan too and everyone was happy. My parents kept telling me how proud they were of me...I was okay my first month back home. I ate what I was supposed to, replaced calories if I purged (which I was still doing all throughout treatment after my feeding tube was taken out) and I started working on building muscle. I LOVED getting my body back into shape. I hung out with friends before they left for the air force or college and we had fun- riding horses, going to a Michael Buble concert :)

September: I started a new job at an orthopedic surgery center, though my treatment team wasn't to happy about it. Though I love my new job, sometimes I wonder if they were right and it was too early for me to go back into a full time job. But I was going STIR CRAZY at home doing nothing but going to appointments. Also, all my friends left Spokane so I wasn't getting out much and I felt so lonely. My eating disorder started creeping back in, with the stress of starting a new job and being too tired to work on building muscle.

October-November: I had two weeks of a lot of behaviors in October which put me in a bad spot. I felt quite horrid for letting everyone down. I don't really have many (actually, practically none) pictures from these months.

December: So much has happened! With the threat of inpatient again, I got my act together for the first few weeks of December. Christmas proved to be incredibly stressful though and behaviors increased again, but I'm getting back on track again! My sister came for Christmas with her hubby and my adorable little niece! It was the first time I got to see her since I was in treatment when she was born.

Glad 2011 is over!!!

2011 in Review

January: We had a leak and my Dad went on the roof to fix it. He ended up falling off the roof because it was like a sheet of ice. He fell on a cement block and was pretty banged up- had a few broken ribs too. YIKES! I remember I felt very conflicted about recovery at this point. I had some really good days and some really bad days. I ended up cutting a few times. One time, I was on a lot of ambien, severely depressed and hallucinating. I ended up cutting the side of my torso, a bit more artistically than usual.

February: My mom's current hobby was baking cakes and decorating them. She began this new little hobby of hers near the beginning of my relapse Summer 2010. I knew how much my mom needed a hobby to cope with life and also, my eating disorder. But her hobby just made my eating disorder worse, even though she tried to keep the frosting and cakes put away when I was around. I would find them or when she wasn't looking, I'd eat some or steal it away for bingeing/purging later. I felt bad because I didn't want to ask her to give up her hobby because of my eating disorder. I felt like I should be able to handle it, you know? I made a cake for my friend Nicole's birthday. It was my way of trying to connect and be OKAY around it. I never was okay around it though. Behaviors always followed.

March: My sister came to visit and she was six months pregnant! She's my best friend and I missed her so much. I felt like she was moving on in life and LIVING and I was stuck in the hell of the eating disorder. I became increasingly depressed.

April: I don't remember much of this month. My health dramatically declined. My family was supposed to go to Disneyland in May and my treatment team and parents were deciding if I was well enough to go. I REALLY wanted to go so I tried to pretend I was fine, but it was obvious I was when I almost had a heart attack. My labs were a mess and I was medically unstable. My mind couldn't think and I guess, it was probably the worst month of my life, next to the month my brother died.

May: It was decided I needed to either be hospitalized or be sent to an inpatient facility for eating disorders, since my city doesn't have much to offer for eating disorders. So instead of going to Disneyland, I went down to Arizona to Remuda Ranch. It was scary at first. I had a feeding tube for the first month. It was physically and mentally painfully as I began weight restoration. I met a lot of AMAZING girls there though and their support meant the world to me. They made my 22nd birthday so special!

June-July: I was moved to the Remuda Life Progam which is residential and you live in a house a other ED girls. They didn't do feeding tubes at RLP so I had to continue weight restoration with Ensure +, which I struggled with immensely! Also, I went from 24/7 supervision to a good deal of more freedom. I could easily purge in my bathroom at my house, and there was a plethora of food in the kitchen. I began purging again, secretly exercising, cutting, and sometimes bingeing. My depression was HORRIBLE. I was having panic attacks constantly. They upped my dosage of ProZac though and it helped so much!!! I had the best roommate ever, Hali, and though we had our ups and downs, we had fun together- singing and playing the piano, sneaking out sometimes, going to the mall, and such. I learned SO MUCH at RLP and I'm so happy I was able to be there. Though, my entire treatment team there and here agrees I left inpatient too soon. I had gained 12 pounds inpatient and 13 pounds at RLP. I was still 5 pounds away from my goal weight by the end.

Part 2 to follow! I'm going to see Girl With The Dragon Tattoo with Nicole so I'll make Part 2 afterwards!!!!


Well, I tried to use tumblr for my blogs but I like this format so much more! So I'll be regularly blogging on here again! I updated what blogs I have written recently on tumblr onto my blog here, so that's why there's a bunch of new posts in one day.

Overall, A Fun Night!- Dec 30, 2011

So you all know I was feeling so down from that negative comment left on my YT. I didn’t feel like going out or doing anything other than staring at a wall. But I’m glad I did :) Caryssa, my brother and his friend Alec went to the roller-skating rink. We used to go there with my church every year, the day after Thanksgiving for the “Turkey Skate-Off” but my church stopped doing that when we were teenagers so we both haven’t been since.

Funny how nothing’s changed there! Except maybe everyone seems so young and small. Most people there were kids, parents, or teenagers. Caryssa and I were a rare species and unintentionally drew some attention from the guys our age who were employees. We had fun and took lots of pictures!

However, an hour into the 2 1/2hr skate time, I had to stop. I felt shaky and my heart was beating rapidly. I felt so bad for Rissy because I felt like I ruined her fun, but she assured me she was just fine stopping. Haha, we were like old ladies- she has rheumatoid arthritis and I have osteoporosis. GREAT. My ankles were hurting so badly and I just felt so drained! I used to run for two hours straight, on average 10 miles every day and I can’t ROLLERBLADE for ONE HOUR?!

I suppose it was my own fault for not really eating for a few days and then thinking I’d be just fine doing this exercise. Apparently, the body doesn’t do well went it doesn’t have fuel.

So we picked up pepperoni pizzas and headed back home with the boys. Rissy and I watched Tim Hawkins DVDs, a comedian, and ate pizza.

It’s embarrassing to say, but I didn’t keep the pizza. Boo me! So I replaced it with food I knew I’d keep- 2% cottage cheese, gatorade, and REAL hot chocolate with cream. I feel guilty for even that but I keep telling myself food is fuel and my body needs it to work properly.

Negative Comments- Dec 30, 2011

My dad is making orange rolls, and in order to escape the strong desire to have behaviors, I figured I’d blog on here.

So I got this comment today on one of my YT videos from a few months ago:

“You have an eating disorder? But you’re so fat??”

I’ve only ever gotten TWO negative comments on the 80 YT videos I’ve made. People have so many encouraging things to say, so why do these two negative comments affect me so deeply? This comment only seemed to reinforce my eating disorder.

So today BEGAN well, but now I’m feeling sort of sad and hopeless. I don’t want to do anything today, but I have plans I already made and they were supposed to fun. I’m taking my 14 year old brother to exchange the Toms shoes he got for christmas. And this afternoon my friend Rissa and I are going roller skating, which I haven’t done in years! My parents will be out to dinner with friends, so I said I’d take my brother and his friend as well. Afterwards, a movie and pizza! Probably won’t eat the pizza but maybe I can build up the courage.

My dad is making orange rolls right now. FML. I wish I could have one without feeling insanely guilty. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll try.

Ed's even with you at the movies- Dec 29, 2011

I worked an early shift again today and was at work at 5pm. It was just the right amount of busy. But today I kept getting SO IRRITATED with patients! I mean, seriously. At first, I thought it was probably the patient, but once I realized this was becoming a reoccurring theme for the day, I figured it was probably me. Most likely a combination of little sleep and malnutrition because lets face it- I’ve been treating my body like shit since October. It didn’t really recovery from my last bout of anorexia before treatment. Yeah, I gained about 25 pounds in three months of treatment, but I never made it to my ideal goal weight. And i don’t think three months of proper nutrition can really fully fix the damage done of an intense year of relapse.

Today was the first purge free day in I don’t know HOW long. The key for me to get back on track seems to be doing a liquid only diet for about a week or so and increase the calorie intake. Then gradually reintroduce solid foods. The only problem with this “reset recovery button” of sorts is the increase of calories in liquid form and of course, the switch to solid foods.

Gosh, why does this have to be so COMPLICATED?! I’ll take today’s success though ;) I have a doctors appointment next week so I better shape up by then. Seriously.

After work, I had an unplanned starbucks drink while waiting for my mom to finish her scavenging at a bulk bead sale since she was my ride. She’s really into serious beading and sometimes sells some of her stuff. Despite anxiety about unplanned calories consumed, I managed to enjoy sitting there in that little sbux.

I went to see the new Mission Impossible movie with my friend Rissa at the theaters and it was so much fun! What bothered me though was no matter where I went this afternoon, I couldn’t completely separate myself from the eating disorder. The overwhelming smell of buttered popcorn, a girl I run into in the bathroom who is pretty damn thin, wondering if someone is purging while I’m in the massive bathroom as well. Having to recount calories spent on my iPhone during the movie, and recounting again in case I did it wrong the first time….

….This disorder takes SO MUCH ENERGY, which is part of the reason we like it- it gives our minds something to focus on instead of the scary shit we’re trying to forget.

Better- Dec 27, 2011

Thank you guys SO MUCH for your advice and encouragement. It means so much to me! I am feeling a lot better after I met with my dietician. She also had an urgent order sent out for my labs because she was really worried about my potassium levels being too low. Apparently, I looked quite horrible :/

I’m feeling more calm. Ate some food and that helped to I suppose ;) I work early tomorrow morning and so I’m going to bed ASAP. I’m happy today is almost over. The spaghetti dinner wasn’t so horrible either! I don’t remember if I wrote about that actually…but I ended up having baked sweet potato instead of the pasta, and I also had salad and a bread roll. Not too bad, eh?


Please Tell Me It'll Be Ok- Dec 27, 2011

I’m sitting at sbux nearly having a full out panic attack. I feel like I’m at the lowest of lows and I’m so incredibly depressed. I found out we’re having a spaghetti dinner tonight and my grandparents are coming over, and that just threw me over the edge. I can’t do it, but if I admit that, the shame and guilt of disappointing everyone is overwhelming. I feel like I’m going to be swallowed up by tears threatening to escape these glassy eyes of mine. I don’t want to be here! I hate this sad place filled with despair. I hate feeling defeated. I hate feeling I’m about to lose everything.

I’m feeling too much all at once. Too much. All I want to do is run away but I can’t. I’m chained to this ship that’s being torn apart by stormy seas. It’s sinking and I’m going with it. And it’s not romantic at all. There’s no beauty in this demise. Only regret, despair, and bracing of the inevitable.

Hopeless? - Dec 26, 2011

I’ll be honest. I’m not doing good, and I’m freaking out about it. This isn’t supposed to happen!!! I’m supposed to be in recovery, starting to live life again. Yes, bumps in the road were expected but not this.

And I can’t stop. I’m trying and trying but I can’t. I used to have these dreams where something crazy would be happening and all of a sudden I couldn’t open my eyes. It was like they were glued shut. My brain would tell them to OPEN but they wouldn’t, all the while there’s something big happening around me and I’m in danger.

That’s how I feel. I’m telling my eating disorder to STOP IT, for my eyes to open and I can avoid the danger surrounding me, but I can’t. No matter how loud I scream and shout and think, I can’t open my eyes. Danger is inevitable. It’s just a matter of when.

I’m scared I’m going to lose my job. I’m scared I’m going to have to be hospitalized. I’m scared I’m going to die like this. God, please please please help me. What do I do? I feel like I can’t stop it.

All the while, my mom only opens her mouth to tell me to do something. Otherwise she’s silent- not expressing anything but disapproval. She’s sad. She’s crushed. And it’s 99.9% my eating disorders fault. I know she blames me. I know my parents think I can choose to not do behaviors, but I’m at the point where it’s not even a choice anymore. For a time, yes, I had enough of my mind to where I could choose to say no, but I’m past that. Again.

Sorry for being depressing. Sorry for being so hopeless. But I haven’t voiced these thoughts. I haven’t even put words to them till now. What do I do? I’m seeing my dietician tomorrow so maybe she can help me. I don’t know how, but maybe she can give me a little hope I can hold onto.

Cigarettes- Dec 14th, 2011

So. You guys have to understand my family dynamics before I tell you what crap went down today. My dad’s a pastor and comes from a line of pastors that goes back several generations. He also has a degree in counseling and works with a lot of alcoholics and addicts.

My parents have both never even TASTED alcohol once or smoked or done anything like that. They both waited for marriage for sex. They’re yes, practically saints according to a lot of people’s definition of sainthood.

When I was at Remuda, I would smoke with my friends who smoked. We would sneak out and smoke sometimes. I never felt addicted and never felt like I needed a cigarette for any reason. It was purely for social reasons and because we were so controlled down to not even being able to flush our own toilets, it was fun to break the rules sometimes.

Since I’ve been home these past five months, I’ve smoked three times. I had a pack in my purse that I had forgotten about and meant to get rid of it forever ago. I just forgot. WELL. My 14 year old brother decided to go through my purse for some reason while I was on a walk and he found my cigarettes. Apparently I scarred him. Not like almost dying and being hospitalized for months wasn’t scarring enough.

When I got home, boy was I in trouble. My dad went off on me, though I will say he actually didn’t full out yell at me so I suppose it could have been worse. My mom is incredibly angry with me as well. What I got from their rebuke was that I’m STUPID because only stupid people smoke, I can’t live under their roof if I’m going to be doing any addictive behavior like smoking, and well…I’m crap. I’ve ruined everyone’s lives. And apparently the cigarette business made it THAT much worse.

Could I feel worse about myself? Now I just feel like crap. ON TOP OF THAT, we had a family therapy session yesterday and I’m pretty sure the room was flooded with my tears. Nothing good seems to of come from it. I feel misunderstood by my mom. I wonder, what’s the point in even trying to express how I feel when my mom takes it the wrong way?

I feel worthless. I feel despicable. Who knew cigarettes could cause such havoc?

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I'm worried.

There's a girl in my group therapy I've gotten to know outside of group. Her name is Mo and I really like her. At first, I felt incredibly competitive with her because she's literally sixty pounds. But once she opened up in group, I was able to see past her eating disorder and see her for the beautiful girl truly is...

She's 26 years old now, and has had an eating disorder since she was 8. She's been in and out of so many treatment facilities, it's ridiculous. A year ago she only weighed 46 pounds and was in and out of consciousness for months. She's improved in the past year, and her heart is really in recovery. I really like her a lot.

We've been texting and talking on the phone. She was going to come visit me at my starbucks today, but she never came. I've tried texting and calling her all day and haven't heard from her once.

I'm worried. I haven't told anyone else about how worried I am about Mo, because no one really knows about my relationship with her. But I'm scared she's in the hospital or she's died. I'm hoping her phone's just dead, or even that she's mad at me for some unknown reason and that's why she's not answering. I just want her to be okay. The thing is, I wouldn't be surprised if she's in the hospital or dead. That's probably the scariest part.

This blog is the only place I could think of to express how worried I am about my friend. I know I've been bad at keeping up with my blog, so forgive me for neglecting it. I'm ok, alive, and well enough. I'll try to blog again in the next few days.

Dear Mo, I hope you're alright. I hope I'm just paranoid.

Thursday, March 3, 2011


I can hardly believe it's been almost a month since my last post. It's not like nothing has been happening. I'm 99% sure my pro zac isn't working. I've constantly been having really low lows. That ED voice is overwhelming. Sometimes I just curl up and try to block it out. Sounds so pathetic, doesn't it?

I woke up a bit ago at 3am with a stuffed nose, sore throat, and itchy eyes. I'm still a bit surprised how quickly this cold or whatever it is hit me. I usually have a day or two of forewarning, where I can tell I'm getting a bug. I suppose my immune system isn't in tip top shape when I'm so malnutritioned and such.

I'm not really losing weight right now, but I'm looking more emanciated.

I just started a new therapy group tonight. I think it'll be good though I'm slightly triggered by the fact there's other girls my age, around my size or much smaller. My competitive side wants to "play the game" with them and I have to stop my thoughts from going there.

I'm many random thoughts. I can't think straight enough to make a good blog. I really don't feel like I'm altogether here at present. I just figured I should at least write something, though poorly written, since it's been far too long. I'll try to make a more comprehensive blog when I'm not feeling so out of it.

Hope you're all doing well.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Fear and Hope

Last week was just a mess. I needed some light, a little hope that food won't always control every aspect of me. Wish granted! I've had two consecutive days of no bingeing or purging. Tomorrow is day three and I feel good about it :)

I've found a meal plan that works for me. I eat every two hours or so, and a protein every four hours. It's working but it's scaring me too because I've gained some weight as a result. Ok, so one pound but it might as well be ten. And YES, it's only been two days. Nonetheless, the idea of gaining weight scares me, like any other eating disordered person.

Being normal size scares me. Because it's not good enough.

The only way I'm sticking to this meal plan is keeping my eyes focused on being healthy, and not the reality of gaining weight. I should just throw my scale out the window. I'd probably do so much better without those numbers in my head.

I think people in recovery have a choice to either focus on their fear of letting go of their unhealthy addiction, or on the hope of what recovery brings- freedom. It's a choice we've got to make every day, hour, minute, and second.

Recovery IS worth it. Recovery doesn't mean you're going to lose control, it means you're going to get control back. Because eating disorders don't give you control, they take it away and leave you with the illusion of control.

You, eating disorder, do not control me anymore. I choose to be free.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Off day

Ok, I have to admit I must be a total idiot but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to reply to comments. I've been wanting to reply to comments on my blog for a fairly long time and for some odd reason, I'm unable to find the right button. So any suggests would be fabulous!

I somehow made it through the day without bingeing or purging. I came close several times, to the point where I had everything set out to binge. I'm glad I didn't. My throat is killing me and I've felt odd all day, especially tonight. I've even ate more than I was planning because I feel like I'm losing my mind...low blood sugar? low potassium?

I told Viv, my dietician, I was going to make it four days without bingeing/purging this week. One day down, three to go!

I saw Black Swan this afternoon and enjoyed it! Though I think people made it sound more contraversial than it actually was. For instance, I had a several people tell me or gossip to someone else that Natalie Portman's character is bulimic, and it would be very triggering for me. For the record, the "bulimia" parts aren't anything special and they were definitely NOT triggering. If anything was triggering, it was just how small all the ballerinas were in general.

I'm tired and wish I could say something interesting, but everything beens "off" today. Nothing feels right. Hope you all are doing well!

Friday, January 28, 2011


There's been so many things I've been running from because they scare me. They're what I fear the most and what hurts the most. It's human nature to avoid pain, so you'd think it's only natural for me to run away from it. But just because it's human nature doesn't mean it's right, and maybe you run too far and end up in more pain than the pain you were originally avoiding.

Ok, enough of the philosophical ramblings. I mentioned in my last blog that I had a really good day of not purging, TWO days of no purging. And yeah, that was great and I'm proud of myself and all, but the two days following my miniature victory were a vomiting nightmare. Quite literally (though I highly doubt I needed to add that statement. You all aren't stupid).

I don't want to purge. I feel closer to death when I purge, which is one of those things I've been trying to avoid thinking about. Not trying to get all mystical on you guys, but I feel death every time I purge. Even when I don't purge, sometimes reality becomes both distant and distinct and I feel death reaching for me.

I don't feel ready to die. I still have things to do, my life to live. But if I've learned one life lesson, I've learned most people don't die when they're ready to die. Death hasn't always been a scary thought, but the thought of dying like this scares the shit out of me. Quite literally (yet again, I didn't need to add that. Blame it on my twisted and perverse humor).

I'm finishing a Vampire Academy book and I had FIVE PAGES to go, when my dad walks in to have a serious talk. Bad timing on his part, but I can't blame him for not knowing my heart was just shattered into a million pieces because Dimitri was turned into a Strigoi, an evil soul-less vampire, and now his true love has to kill him because he's better dead than a Strigoi.

He pretty much told me that he's freaking out because he can literally see me wasting away with every day that passes. He said he can't handle another one of his kids dying. He started to tear up which inevitably meant I began balling. My parents want to meet with my whole treatment team (three people- I feel like I made it sound like a dozen people were treating me or something) to find out what the deal is and where we go from here.

He said I have no margins left. I'm at a pivotal point and he can't just stand by because it affects my whole family.

Great. And I thought the day couldn't get any worse. Maybe all this sarcasm and dry humor is surfacing because I can't handle dealing with it seriously. The weight of it all is too much. I feel like the happiness of so many people rests on my shoulders and I can't bear it by myself. I think my Dad doesn't think I'm trying hard enough to get better, which makes me feel even worse because this IS me trying my hardest.

He's right. I AM dying. They say eating disorders are slow suicide. I, like probably everyone else, thought I was the one and only exception. I thought I could control it. Apparently not.

So here I am sitting in bed, salty tears dried on my face, and a very heavy heart filling my chest. I can't run from the pain anymore because it's cornered me. It's either death or facing the pain I'm not even sure what to name, and I don't want to die yet.

Please, someone tell me dealing with the pain will be worth it. Someone tell me everything will be okay. Because I'm not okay. Not at all.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

A Little Sunshine

FINALLY I have something cheerful to write about. I didn't binge or purge at all yesterday. First day being b/p free in at least a month! It was incredibly difficult and I came close to bingeing a few times, but somehow I made it through. I think it helped to have friends who were trying not to b/p and were successful as well. We kind of kept each other accountable, and this time it really worked.

I have yet to b/p today. But to be honest, I'm incredibly tempted. Partially because chocolate chip pancakes are sounding pretty delicious right now, and also because I'm home alone which makes it that much easier since there's no here to question my odd behaviour.

Hence, this blog. I'm doing anything to distract myself.

I had a doctor's appointment today and I suppose it went alright. Though my weight is at my lowest, my bloodwork was okay so that was a relief. He had me do an EKG. I had to put on one of those hospital gowns backwards and I felt irrationally promiscuous with it gaping open, revealing my pierced navel. What was even more embarrassing was the fact I had cuts all over the right side of my stomach and ribs. It was the outcome of feeling horrible after an insane b/p and was slightly ambien-induced. Note to self: Take ambien and go to bed IMMEDIATELY. Otherwise, hallucination will occur.

Anyways, the women doing my EKG was really professional and didn't ask any questions of the cuts or stare at them. I felt awkward enough being so naked in front of another person.

Well, I really can't get my mind off of those chocolate chip pancakes so I'm going to go read at Borders for a bit. I can't believe there's people out there who thinks this recovering thing is easy. It's not, and it pisses me off when people say, "Just eat." They say ignorance is bliss. I say it's just plain stupidity.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Thoughts on Therapy at 4am

It's 4am and I've been wide awake for an hour or so now. I've finally caught up on video comments and messages, and to be honest I feel so blessed. Most people, including many of my friends, don't understand eating disorders which leads them to a) ignore it completely or b) say really stupid things. Both responses are quite frustrating and leave me feeling even more alone. I've found the YouTube community so supportive and I've made great friends that actually get it.

Even though I don't feel like I'm making any progress in recovery, I've actually learned so much from therapy. When I went into therapy for my ED at age 14, I had a great therapist who I loved and we still stay in contact. However, at the time I wasn't willing to open up to her. Whenever we would be getting past the walls I had built around myself, I would shut down. Thus, we never digged into the root of my ED.

This time around in therapy, I've been much more receptive and open to talking about things. I'm okay with crying now and talking about things I've never voiced. And you know what? I am AMAZED at what I've found out about myself. For me, my ED orginated in abuse, feeling misunderstood, and growing up with death always being a topic because of my sick brother.

Everyone is different and that's what's interesting about therapy. I think it would be fascinating to help people dig and learn about themselves, how they tick and why they tick the way they do. I now understand why so many recovered eating disordered people go into therapy or become nutritionists themselves. Once you've been helped, you want to help other people too.

Well, I have much more to say about this week, but I'll leave that for my next video I'll hopefully make tomorrow. I suppose attempt #3 at sleep might be beneficial. I hope you all are doing well. You're support means the world to me!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


The message I've gotten from people over and over in my life is that I shouldn't be feeling what I'm feeling. When I tried to tell people about being sexually abused at 14, the message I recieved was it wasn't a big deal, I'm silly for feeling used and dirty. People wouldn't of said those things if I wasn't so embarrassed by what happened, that I didn't explain it well and left out pretty much all the details.

It was the inability to communicate hindering me, but I wasn't aware of that at the time. I thought I explained it well enough and I was stupid for feeling hurt. I'd like to think my communication skills have at least improved slightly. But yet again, I'm getting the same message: You're feelings aren't justified, you're wrong for feeling hurt.

What am I supposed to do with my feelings then? When I was 14, I used my eating disorder and cutting and pills to deal with feelings I thought weren't supposed to be expressed. In fact, those are the first coping mechanisms I usually run to when I need to deal with negative feelings.

I thought the right answer was to express my feelings in a gentle, upfront way. Apparently I went wrong somewhere. Yet again, the message I got was I shouldn't be feeling hurt and it's not okay to express it because what I'm feeling is WRONG.

I don't know what to do. I've tried doing it the "healthy" way, but it seemed to make things worse. The only thing I have left is eating disordered behaviour, cutting and pills. Primarily my ED, since it's what I'm struggling with the most lately.

I'm wrong. I'm stupid. It's my fault. Something is wrong with me. I'm unloveable. I'm defective. I'm not acceptable. I'm alone. People's friendship with me is charity. All I can trust is ED. He'll never let me down.

And the voices refuse to be silent.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

In the Land of Limbo

I am tired. Recovering from an eating disorder is constantly fighting the voices in your head. I feel like I've been fighting for recovery and delving deep into the root issues of my ED for so long, and now I've come to the point where I'm tired of fighting it. It's too hard to fight. It's easier to give in.

I still have that number in my head, but I don't really feel the need or drive to reach it. It's not about weight anymore, though gaining weight is still quite frightening. I just...don't really care if I lose anymore. I just don't want to eat. If I eat, I purge.

I feel numb. I feel kind of lost and unsure of everything.

All I really know, is this isn't a fun place to be.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Never walking, always running

one two one two,
breathe in breathe out,
let go of every thought and just

When I relapsed last April, I started to run again. I really do love running, the feeling of your body hardening, knowing you're stronger than before. I started running 3 miles five times a week, but soon that wasn't enough. I upped it to five, then six, and so on till I was usually running 10-11 miles. As I started running faster, longer, and harder, I lost the joy of running. It became a necessity. I wouldn't eat if I couldn't run off the calories. It became something I couldn't imagine living without.

I was obsessed. Obsessive exercise isn't uncommon among the eating disordered. We tend to be people who take things to the extreme. Being average isn't good enough, whether its running, sports, grades, music...weight. When we accomplish something, we hardly (if at all) feel happy about our accomplishment, because we're already thinking about our next goal.

I miss running. When friends and family tell me they're going to the gym or they've just ran x amount of miles, it's like a knife in the stomach. I'm jealous. I want to run. I want to lose myself and be freed of the thoughts constantly bombarding my mind. I want to have a break from the voice in my head that's planning my next meal and what I'm not going to eat.

But part of me is glad too...glad I have a valid reason to not run. Because I was chained to the treadmill and it came to the point where running wasn't a choice anymore. Even though my heart kind of aches, I also feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm free from the treadmill and it doesn't control me anymore.

Now if I could only be free of this stupid voice in my head telling me I'm not thin enough. Because I'm not. I'm not small enough. I want to disappear in size 00 jeans. I might as well be thirty pounds heavier again because I don't feel any different. I'm unhappy at this weight. You could tell me I'm thin, but I won't believe it because I KNOW I'm not thin enough. I wish I COULD be convinced otherwise.

I'm weary of it all.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Opening Old Wounds

Eat purge eat purge...the cycle that never ends. Everytime I bend over the toilet I think to myself, "I don't want to do this." But I can't stop. Throat burning, head throbbing, and chest pounding, I'm a mess.

I wish people would stop offering me food. I don't need it, really. It's better this way, because if you give me food, yes I'll eat it but I'll throw it up too. I wish they'd just lock me up. I wish someone would save me from myself. I need an intervention because I'm killing myself and I don't want to.

I saw him this weekend...he was different towards me...distant and kind of mean. I wonder if he knows I finally told my parents what he did to me when we were teens. I have this illogical desire for him to like me and to treat me well. It hurts that he refuses to show me any form of affection, unless you can call mocking a form of affection. I wish it didn't hurt. I wish he'd just...say he was sorry for hurting me and taking control away from me, and love me like he should- like a cousin should. I hate it that he still has the power to hurt me.

I kind of want to cry.