Monday, August 27, 2012

What I Eat (Vegan)

Some of you have asked for examples of what I like to eat on a daily basis, either to give you ideas of what are healthy portions or maybe because you're considering going vegan yourself! I made a list of what I'm eating lately with portion sizes.

Keep in mind: I am NOT a dietician! I hope this gives you guys ideas of meals or snack though, and maybe you'll branch out and try something new!

- 2 pc toast (Veganic or Dave's Killer Bread) w/ 2 TB almond/peanut butter, and a fruit
- vegan cereal w/ 1cup almond/soy/rice milk and banana
- oatmeal (1/2cup dry) made with almond/soy-rice milk, and brown sugar, slivered almonds, banana (or other fruit)
- smoothie: almond/soy/rice milk+vegan protein powder+frozen blueberries (sub other fruit)+1-2 TB ground flax seed (opt)+handful of spinach (opt)
- 1cup soy yogurt+fruit+1/2cup granola
- bagel (Dave's Killer) w/ tofutti vegan cream cheese OR almond butter and jam, with 1pc fruit
- salad: spinach,red pepper, tomato, boca burger, 1/2 avocado, balsamic+olive oil (base of a salad:leafy greens+2-3veggies+protein+fats)
 other salad add ins: black beans, corn, chickpeas, dried figs, olives, cucumber, mandarin oranges, apples, walnuts, almonds
- vegan soup (ex: lentil, blackbean, corn chowder, vegetable) w/ pc toasted bread OR pita chips
- 2 servings pita chips, 1/4c hummus, veggies, pc of fruit
- sandwich: 2pc bread, veggie burger, sliced cucumber, alfalfa sprouts, and avocado OR hummus, and fruit
- hot potato w/ salsa and boca burger crumbled, and fruit
- sweet potato w/ brown sugar, vegan sausage (Tofurky), steamed broccoli
- brown rice w/ steamed veggies, soy sauce, boca burger
- chickpea quinoa pilaf (ask me for recipe)
- quinoa with blackbeans, corn and salsa
- Tofu stir fry: veggies of choice, firm tofu marinated in yoshidas sauce (or sauce of choice),over 1c brown rice
Snacks (2-3per day OR MORE if needed)
- 1/4cup dry roasted edamame
- 1/4 almonds or mixed nuts
- pc of fruit (apple, banana, orange, peach, strawberries, etc) (opt- add 1-2 TB almond/peanut butter with apple or banana)
- soy yogurt (opt with fruit)
- popcorn (plain or kettle)
- protein vegan bar (Zing brand)
- hot chocolate made with soy/almond/rice milk
- 2 raspberry fig bars (found @ Huckleberries or other health food stores)
- saltine crackers w/ 1-2 TB peanut/almond butter
- Larabar
- veggies with hummus
- soy latte

Monday, August 20, 2012

Volume On Mute

My feelings are muted. I know they're there, but they are not sending me into a panic. The usual frenzy of thoughts and feelings colliding with one another like one mine setting off the rest isn't happening. It should be, it would be, if not for the anti-depression meds. I don't know whether to feel comforted or worried about that fact. It means the prozac is working, right?
The only problem is part of me WANTS to feel that depth of emotion, despite how destructive my coping mechanisms for dealing with such extreme feelings can be. I'm still blown away by the realization that I WANT to feel the depression. Who says that? Who, in their right mind, misses it?

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Best Eating Disorder Blogs of 2012

The Unglamorous World of Eating Disorders

Brave and bubbly blogger Rae opens readers eyes in The Unglamorous World of Eating Disorders. She doesn’t sugarcoat the difficulties of battling an unhealthy obsession with food, and she makes it clear that eating disorders – and the steps to recovery from them – aren’t pretty.
Join this winsome writer on her pathway to health, vitality, and positive self-image by dropping her an encouraging word. Her heart is in her posts, and Rae’s efforts and honesty earn her a top spot on the list of Best Eating Disorder Blogs of 2012. You can do it, Rae!

Say WHAT?! I feel loved. I saw a fellow blogger's post on how her blog made it on the best eating disorder blogs of 2012 list. I clicked on the link and found out I'm on that list too! Wow. I'm just so happy there's people who are so loving and supportive of me on this journey. Ever since I began my blog, here and on YouTube, I feel less alone. 


Saturday, August 11, 2012

The Race

I really should make a video about the last two much has happened and I've a lot to talk about. However, finding the time to get away and make a proper video is elusive. Family is in town and I rarely have a moment to myself. It's only now everyone is asleep in their beds that I can find time to write these words. I feel compelled to write. There's so many things I need to process but who can I tell my innermost thoughts? Though I'm surrounded by people I love, I am alone in my head and no one near me is fit to see this mess inside.

Today is what's foremost on my mind. I got up at 4am, which isn't exactly normal for a Saturday morning, and got geared up for a triathlon. My uncle is injured and my mom hasn't been training enough to feel comfortable doing an olympic distance triathlon. The solution was my 17year old cousin would be doing the race for my uncle, and my mom, aunt and I would do the triathlon relay style. I only found out about this two weeks ago and started running again but I'm not exactly in tip top shape so I was a bit worried about my performance.

My aunt did the swim. We waited and waited for a purple cap, black and neon green wetsuit to appear. She was literally the last person out of the water. I felt bad for my aunt. She hasn't swam since her last triathlon THREE YEARS AGO. Furthermore, her time wasn't bad- it was what she expected. Unfortunately, the bar was raised high this year and it seemed only the professionals showed up instead of an additional group of NORMAL PEOPLE who aren't exercise addicts with six packs.

My mom made up a bit of time on the bike portion of the race. We were only second to dead last by the time I began my run.

I've never raced before and I had injured my foot a few days ago, so I reserved my energy and took an easy pace. Within the first mile, I passed an older man. I felt sort of bad about the fact I was secretly rejoicing inside- I wasn't going to cross the finish line last!!! There were at least two people behind me! Each mile I passed more and more people. My foot didn't hurt anymore- probably because of the adrenaline. I felt good. I picked up the pace and passed more people. Crossing the finish line was one of the greatest feelings ever! Especially knowing we weren't last and I had been able to get us ahead of around 30 people. My time didn't suck too much either though it could have been better if I trained.

I felt good at something, and if not good, capable.

Underneath all this happiness is self-doubt and fear. I am not okay inside. I've been eating much more than usual the past couple of days to the point of being uncomfortably full. This feeling triggered a more destructive feeling of self-hatred. I couldn't believe myself. How could I have let myself go? How could I have eaten so much? I have to repeat over and over again my mantra,"It's okay. It'll be okay." I don't want this to ruin such happiness. I can't let it!

Friday, August 3, 2012

The Dating Dilemma

I've felt restless in my mind the past two days. It's like getting bills in the mail and, knowing it's a bill, put off opening it. When I procrastinate thinking through the rough stuff, I end up using my eating disorder to distract myself from the fact everything isn't perfect and happy in my head.

I've been doing well actually- Thursday was Day 7 of no behaviors. Well, it would have been Day 7. I purged dinner twice. It took everything in me not to beat myself up. Instead of thinking it through about WHY I had those behaviors, I decided to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. Today I had behaviors again. I can't ignore it anymore. Time to face the truth.

I was physically vulnerable. I've been working out hard the past week, doing something active every day. My body isn't used to this much activity and I know I'm not giving it enough fuel. For some reason, it's difficult to get enough calories in when I'm this active. Some people get hungry when they work out more, but I lose my appetite.

I was mentally vulnerable. I was planning on going to an ED support group Thursday night but at the last minute bowed out. I wish I would have gone because it helped so much last week and I needed the support. Instead I went home and purged.

I was spiritually vulnerable. I wasn't doing my devotions or praying and these things really help to center me. When I'm close with God I'm more aware of what's really important in life and I'm better able to resist using behaviors to deal with negative feelings.

On top of that, I got a message from a friend who asked me how I felt about being set up with someone. Literally five minutes before I got this message, I saw a guy and thought to myself that I really need to at least TRY to go on a date (considering I've never been). So I told her hey, why not? This guy messaged me and asked me to coffee or drinks...there's a reason WHY I've never dated in my 23 years. I don't exactly know what that reason is, but I DO know it must be a good one because I've always been too scared to date. It's not that I haven't been asked out, I just bow out at the last second. When I was living in England, the guys considered me a "player" because I would really like a guy, get to know him as friends, and then he'd start liking me romantically. That shut me down, and I would drop them if they even hinted towards romance. I WANTED romance, but at the same time was so frightened about intimacy.

It took me 73 minutes to respond to this guys short little message. I mostly just stared at the screen. I have no idea how to act around guys when they're actually interested in me romantically. When I'm friends with a guy, I brutally honest and myself at all times. I don't care what they think. I'll talk about PMSing and if they can't handle that, then whatever. I think my guys friends appreciate that about me but it isn't exactly something you talk about on a date or in a romantic relationship. And then I had to facebook stalk myself to see what preconceived ideas he'll have about me when we get together.

I ended up purging during this whole affair and afterwards. Oh man, this reminds me of another time I ended up going to a movie with a guy. It was supposed to be a group of six of us but everyone backed out at the last minute. I was so stressed about being alone in the theater with this guy I knew was interested in me, that I ended up bingeing and purging during the entire movie AND afterwards. Painful. Very very painful.

What is it about dating that scares the heck out of me???!