Sunday, June 24, 2012

It's Vacay Time!

Friday was my last day of work for two weeks! I'm going on vacation on Monday with my family and I am so incredibly excited. I won't lie, I have loads of anxiety of traveling which is funny because I'm a seasoned traveller. Early monday morning, we're driving eight hours to Oregon, flying to LA, and then driving for San Diego. My dad is speaking at a conference there, so for the first week of vacation, I'll be chilling by the pool doing absolutely nothing. Then we're driving back up to Orange County and spending four days at Disneyland, THE HAPPIEST PLACE IN THE WORLD! Then we're flying back to Oregon and staying at Sunriver Resort for my cousin's wedding. 

My anxiety is about all the things that could go wrong. The car breaking down and missing our flight. Car accident. Plane crashing. I'm disaster conscious, but that's what Xanax is for, right?

I've gone three days with no behaviors which is GREAT! Mentally I'm struggling. I feel so large and wobbly. I'm hyper sensitive to when my skin is touching skin- forearm to bicep, thigh to thigh. Every bump aka curve of my body I'm painfully aware of and to be honest, I really hate it. But I have motivation. I need to be well for this trip and I don't want to be sick. I don't want to purge. I won't even let it be an option in my head. 

I woke up early this morning and made vegan banana muffins which were DELICIOUS. I know my friend Andi has been having a rough time lately and she's been wanting to try this recipe so I dropped by her work and brought her two muffins :) I spent most the day running around doing errands and got to chat with the lovely Kristie for a good long while. I really really love that girl! My grandma came over and in grandma Wilson fashion, bought three different neck pillows for me because she's worried about my neck on the trip (I was in a minor car accident about a month ago). OH YEAH! My 15 year old brother got back from his white water rafting trip in the Grand Canyon. I swear he got bigger on this trip. He's growing up and it's so weird sometimes. He got me a bracelet in AZ which I love. He was so cute- he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him today so we ended up watching John Carter tonight. Brother-sister bonding time!

Anyways, I better go to bed but I just wanted to update all of you lovely people on my life. I've been meaning to blog more often, so I'll be trying to keep this blog updated. I'll prob make a YT vid tomorrow too because there's some things I've been wanting to talk about and sometimes it's so much better on video rather than written form.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I just want to be OK

Things got worse after I wrote my last blog in the wee hours of Sunday morning. I was feeling better by then, after sipping on gatorade all night and eating a couple bananas and PB. I had stomach cramps though so I went to the bathroom. TMI: It was as if I took 30 laxatives. I had horrible diarrhea and what hydration I had gained throughout the night I lost. After that, I was so dizzy I had to crawl. The world was spinning, my hands were cramping, heart was pounding, and I was shaking uncontrollably. My dad was heading out the door to get ready to preach, and he could tell something was wrong. VERY VERY WRONG. He made me drink 48oz of gatorade and eat a banana and PB. I scared my dad. Happy Father's Day. He got my mom out of bed and we called my dietician Viv. She said go to the ER immediately.
I didn't want to go to the ER. I don't have the money for it. When I got there though, it was the weirdest thing ever- no one was at the front desk and the only people in sight was a security guard and a woman vacuuming. I filled out the paperwork I found on the desk and waited. My courage was waning. Maybe this is a sign. I started feeling a bit better. I think the gatorade was kicking in. I called Viv and told her so and told her I don't want to pay for an ER visit. I convinced her an urgent care visit would suffice. In the end I didn't even do that. I should have, but I didn't. I drank more gatorade, coconut water, and electrolyte water all day long. My hands stopped cramping by noon. I was still dizzy for the rest of the day though. I know I was rolling the dice on this one. Things could have gone terribly wrong. I'm lucky.

I had a good session with my therapist Monique today. When I say good, I mean tears, snot, mascara running down my face kind of good. I had a breakthrough I'm not really ready to talk about yet. I'm just hoping that maybe things will change. Maybe this breakthrough will help me stop because I'm so sick and tired of it. I'm done. I am SO DONE.

As the lovely Ingrid sings, "I just want to be ok, be ok today."

I'm going to go treat my body with kindness now, even though that's exactly the opposite of what I want to do. I'm trying though, and that's got to count for something right?

Sunday, June 17, 2012

A Bad Night of My Own Making

I made poor choices. I thought I could ignore it. I thought I could pretend it never happened, but my body and God won't let me. For good reason.

I've been quite depressed the past two weeks. Starting my period a week ago explains a lot of it. I mean, if a person tends to be depressed already, having a period and all those crazy hormones really amplifies it. Some days it seemed unbearable. I was doing so well, being completely behavior free for four or five days at a time, maybe having behaviors for a day or two, and then another four or five days of no behaviors. I was proud of myself. This was a great victory. But with the whole PMS thing, I was thrown off my game. I've been having behaviors EVERY DAY. I started restricting again too.

So then there was yesterday. I binged and purged twice in the morning. Poor decision #1. I didn't take my meds. Poor decision #2. I literally drank no water yesterday except to purge. Poor decision #3. However, I did drink two cups of coffee and three glasses of wine. Really hydrating, I know. Poor decision #4.

I did have a GREAT time last night with my friends at Andi's house celebrating her birthday. I really did have a good time. It was the choices I made before and after that weren't so great. On my way home, I felt so full, it was distracting my driving. I pulled over into a nice neighborhood with manicured lawns and expensive cars in the driveways. I purged in one of these lawns, intending to at least find a bush. Sadly enough, some people are going to wake up today to find vomit in their front yard. Happy Father's Day. Yes, this is disgusting. Yes, I feel horrible about the whole thing. Bad decision #5.

I got home and felt weird. I knew it was time to do some damage control. I ate a banana and drank a glass of G2 and another glass of electrolyte water. Good decision #1. It was past midnight by the time I fell asleep. I woke up at 2am and knew something was wrong. I felt weird. Bad weird. I checked my heart rate and it was slow. Too slow. Two beats, a big pause, and two more beats. I panicked which always makes things worse. I felt so wrong, so wrong.

I don't know how many glasses of electrolyte water I've had throughout the night, maybe five or six. I just kept drinking water and calming myself as much as possible. My heart beat strengthened. A few times, my acid reflux was bad and I felt like it was crawling up my throat, choking me. I was too scared to fall asleep. It's 5am and I have church in a few hours. I still feel funny- dizzy, vibrating like I took too much seroquel (I didn't take any btw) so dizzy. I don't feel hungry at all but I'm going to go downstairs and eat something.

Why am I sharing all of this? Because I am scared. I want you all to know the REALITY of an eating disorder. The TRUTH. My blog is titled, "The Unglamorous World of Ed" for a reason. I won't be glamorizing eating disorders here, because there's nothing glamorous about it.

I need to get out of this rut. I need healing. I feel like I want to give up, like it'll never change, like I'm going to die from this Ed. BUT I REFUSE. I can't give up because God has so much planned for my life. I have things to do, people to love. Jesus, help me. I need your help. I NEED YOU.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Drugged Rant

Before I begin, I apologize this will be a slightly ambien induced entry.

How have I been? Down. I hate my body. It bulges, bumps into things, my thighs seem glued together more often than not. My stomach is flabby. To further complicate matters, my doctor thought I should stop taking Minocycline, which is an antibiotic for skin breakouts. I've been on it for five years. So off it, I thought I was doing ok. Apparently not. This week my face has sprouted several new pimples, deep ones, colorful ones.

I feel hideous. My body is disgusting. My face is not attractive in the least. I hate myself. I've isolated. Stayed in my room instead of going to parties I'm supposed to be at. I feel guilty for not being there...but the fear of being seen like THIS, this ugliness? I can't. Not only that but these social events involve food and that's something I really should NOT be around.

My relationship with food is so fucked up. I don't know what to think about it really. I was doing better. I go five or six days with no behaviors, and then have a day or two of behaviors...but I saw this number on the scale this week. It's a number I've not seen in years. It's too much. I can't handle this number, being this number.

Answer to this dilemma? Restrict. Accidental binges. Purge. Repeat.

I don't want to go back to the cycle. I don't want it. But I do because it'll help a bit. It'll help me breathe again.

I'm truly drugged. Ignore this post as me on drugs is probably not a good idea when mixed with confusing thoughts

Monday, June 4, 2012

People Pleasing and Identity

I find myself in this place again, hovering between being okay and not okay. Some days are great. I feel positive, loved, behavior-free, and it's beautiful. Other days I feel as if I'm lying on the bottom of the ocean floor, being crushed by the depth and darkness I find myself in. What I would give to not have these extreme highs and lows. Every word people say, every facial expression and every tone in their voice has me under a spell. People pleasing- that's what they call it- when your self worth is dependent on what other people think of you. How unreliable. People have differing opinions that also seem to change with the weather. In other words, I'm setting myself up for failure. I can't please everyone. I can't make everyone happy. Because everyone wants something different from me and they more often than not conflict with each other.
So what is the answer? Find who I am, who I want to be- no apologies? Is it weird that I find this concept terribly inconsiderate of other people and their needs?
Can I be more confusing??? I will ponder.