Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Fear and Hope

Last week was just a mess. I needed some light, a little hope that food won't always control every aspect of me. Wish granted! I've had two consecutive days of no bingeing or purging. Tomorrow is day three and I feel good about it :)

I've found a meal plan that works for me. I eat every two hours or so, and a protein every four hours. It's working but it's scaring me too because I've gained some weight as a result. Ok, so one pound but it might as well be ten. And YES, it's only been two days. Nonetheless, the idea of gaining weight scares me, like any other eating disordered person.

Being normal size scares me. Because it's not good enough.

The only way I'm sticking to this meal plan is keeping my eyes focused on being healthy, and not the reality of gaining weight. I should just throw my scale out the window. I'd probably do so much better without those numbers in my head.

I think people in recovery have a choice to either focus on their fear of letting go of their unhealthy addiction, or on the hope of what recovery brings- freedom. It's a choice we've got to make every day, hour, minute, and second.

Recovery IS worth it. Recovery doesn't mean you're going to lose control, it means you're going to get control back. Because eating disorders don't give you control, they take it away and leave you with the illusion of control.

You, eating disorder, do not control me anymore. I choose to be free.


  1. I remember reading some study a few years ago about how eating more frequently is supposed to speed up your metabolism and be really good for you. I'm glad you've found a meal plan that works. I "got rid" of my scale recently and it's been great. I say "'got rid'" of because it is still in the house because my little brother uses it, but I don't step on it anymore. I don't really miss it.

  2. *high five* Fuck yeah! >;D I'm so pleased with how you've turned this around, Rae. I know it's tuogh, but you are right, it -is- worth it. I found this list of workbooks, they cover a variety of issues and there's actually two for dealing with EDs. http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm

    I also think it could really help you to join the forum I'm on. I've found it so, so much help, they're really supportive there and help keep you going in the right direction. www.webiteback.com/forum I think it's important to keep you motivated now you're more on the right track with this. *hug* I'm proud of you. :3

  3. Girl, you're really really inspiring. I feel so ambivalent about recovery but reading this gives me hope!

    Thank you for writing!