Saturday, September 29, 2012

lil update on life

The weekend could not of been more welcome. I had a fun time last night going to dinner at a vegan/vegetarian restaurant and seeing Pitch Perfect with a friend! Her lame ass long distance boyfriend has been cheating on her so girl time was much needed for both of us.

I drugged myself with an extra dosage of seroquel last night and just woke up. I'm meeting a friend at a local bakery/coffee shop so that'll be fun!

I'm doing okay. Kind of hanging in there right now. Moving out and boy stuff is stressing me out a bit, but I'll be alright.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Anatomy of a Binge/Purge

Binges can happen for several reasons.

1. You're emotionally distraught. You might be stressed, angry, tired, anxious.
2. You're malnourished. You can be any weight, even obese, and be malnourished. You're body is in a place where it will override your willpower because it wants to survive.
3. You're bored.

Sometimes, you've already decided you're going to binge and purge before you even begin. Other times, you don't even see it coming. There's an invisible line and if you eat something that crosses that line, that's it- you HAVE to binge/purge.

During a binge, you're in the zone. I've been thinking about it, and I'm not sure you feel happy or sad or feel anything at all. At first, you taste the food you're eating and you might think it's delicious. But there's definitely a point where you stop tasting it. You're not eating for taste anymore- you're eating to fill yourself up with something. Maybe you're distracting yourself from whatever it is you don't want to face. Whether it be feelings, thoughts, situations, people- it's an escape. It's "the zone."

Then comes the guilt, the urge to GET IT OUT NOW. Sometimes I binge to purge, especially when I am feeling an extreme level of self hatred. Generally though, purging is the "problem fixer." It's your best friend when you're filled with that unique panic, when you realize how much you actually ate. It's your out from suffering the consequences, the inevitable weight gain from your binge.

No matter what though, you suffer consequences when you purge. It might not be weight gain, but it'll be dental problems, electrolyte imbalances, wreaking of vomit, bloody noses- you get the idea. But for some, those consequences are alright, as long as the number doesn't go up on the scale.

Purging does something else for me though. I feel this numbness, almost like taking a drug. I feel relaxed. It's soothing sometimes.

However, you can never do it "just once." It's a cycle and incredibly difficult to free yourself from it.

I hate bingeing and purging, but I'm still a slave to this self-destructive cycle. I have periods where I don't have those behaviors, but it's always been there, lingering, waiting for me to be vulnerable. Ever since I was 14. Nine years...I'll be free of it once day. I want that day now.

Friday, September 21, 2012

I HATE being sick.

I've been sick the last two days with some kind of stomach flu- fever and all. Of course I get sick during one of the busiest weeks of the year for me! Thankfully, I'm feeling much better this morning which is good because the next two days are going to be crazy busy. My best friend Andi is getting married! I have the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner tonight and of course, the wedding and all that entails tomorrow.

We had so much fun Monday night, relabeling water bottles and taking sunglasses (for party favors) out of their packaging. We had wine and blasted our old favorite music, singing along just like we used to as teenagers. Those songs brought back so many memories for both of us, and the feelings that defined that time of our life. It was bittersweet, but mostly sweet ;)

I need to get out of bed. I think I'll eat some fruit and get going for the day!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Oregon Wedding and Football Game

Hello my peeps! I hope you all had a fantastic weekend :) Mine was sure a busy one. We left early Friday morning for an 8-9hr drive down to Oregon. I drugged myself with Xanax so I don't remember most of that part haha. My parents dropped me off at the church and Rissa and I ran around helping Emilie and her bridal party with whatever they needed. We got them cheese,meat and crackers and I made them kale smoothies. I thought it didn't taste that great but they loved them so whatever! I aim to please ;)
The wedding was beautiful. Emilie looked stunning! The reception was a lot of fun too. I got to see a bunch of family and friends I haven't seen in awhile. I felt pretty too :) I know this sounds weird, but I actually got a lot of attention from guys and it didn't creep me out like it usually does. I actually enjoyed it! Which brings me to a topic I'm going to have to write about semperately sometime- sexual desire and eating disorders. I lost all sexual desire when I relapsed and I would say, for the first time in a long time, those feelings are coming back- STRONG. It's a bit overwhelming. Do people feel like this all the time? The thought of holding hands or kissing or even sex doesn't repel me anymore. I DESIRE it, which is a new experience for me.
I helped pack up all the presents, drive them to Emilie's apartment, and unload them. Rissa and I were so tired and hungry by then. We drove by McDonalds and I got french fries and two apple pies. This set the tone for the rest of the weekend with my food choices. To be honest, I purged this weekend...a good deal too. I was eating a lot of foods I don't normally eat. I didn't purge every time, but I did more often than not.
The next day, we had the Oregon Ducks football game! I've never been to a football game. At first, I was miserable. We had to walk far, I wasn't feeling well from purging breakfast twice that morning, and my anxiety level was at a 10 because I hate crowds- especially rowdy drunk men. But I got food into me that I kept- curly fries and a churro a bit late- nothing healthy since football games have nothing to offer other than grease, meat and fat. I loosened up and enjoyed the game a bit more once all my family got there. I love hanging out with my cousins so that was fun!
I got to enjoy a coffee date with my Ashley who is going to college in Eugene. LOVE HER! We got to chat about boy problems and eating disorder struggles and victories.
That night, we went to my cousin Collett's house and had dinner and leftover wedding cake with all the family. I primarily hung out with my little cousins and talked about superheroes and princesses all night.
I met someone at breakfast in the hotel the Sunday morning. I'm pretty sure she has an eating disorder too, though I don't think she considers herself eating disordered. We had a really nice chat all morning and exchanged information. She seems like a worthwhile, intelligent woman I'd like to get to know!
The drive back took FOREVER and it didn't help that I got sick. Eugene has kombucha on tap at gas stations which I got WAY too excited about! I drank 24oz of kombucha in under an hour and I ended up throwing up lunch shortly after. It felt so nice to get home. Overall, I'm glad I went.
This next week is going to be CRAZY BUSY! Andi's wedding is this weekend and everyday I have things planned. I won't have any free time and I'm stressing out a bit. I am planning on being behavior free this entire week and truth is, I'm doing it mostly for Andi. I don't need her worrying about me. This week is all about her!!!

Friday, September 14, 2012

Wedding Weekend

I'm leaving for Oregon in a few minutes for my cousins and friend's wedding. I've been so busy this week I haven't had a chance to respond to anyone, either by email, youtube, or here. When I get back I will find the time, but I just wanted to let everyone know how much your support means to me. Thank you so much!

I'm off! I have so much anxiety about traveling so I'm going to drug myself with xanax ;) I WILL keep my twitter updated!!! So if you want to know what's going on during my trip, find me there- raganmae.


Sunday, September 9, 2012


Lately it's been easier to blog than to make a youtube video. Something about the way I sound, how I look, etc annoys me. Not to mention, I've been struggling to understand what's been going on inside my  head. Explaining my thoughts and feelings on camera isn't really working when I can't even decipher them myself.

I've been doing good lately, I really have, but this weekend has been a challenge for me. There were behaviors I haven't had in awhile and I hated every second of it. I know why I had behaviors too...there's a lot going on right now. Weddings every weekend for the next few weeks, moving out drama...I have so much to do but I keep putting it off because I feel so overwhelmed right now.

One thing I HAVE learned- take one day at a time. Make a plan. Break things down so they don't seem so intimidating. So that's what I'll do.

Doesn't stop me from wishing I could run away from everything though.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012


I don't know where and who I am anymore. I'm not ready for love. I'm probably not going to be following through with my plans to move out now. I don't know where my life is going. I no longer have my eating disorder identity to rely on, or rather I don't have the desire to hold onto that label. I feel different towards Ed. I'm done with it.

But who am I now? I'm lost. I know God is like, "Hey, I'm over here. Are you going to come to me yet? I'm waiting." 

But God, living for you is so hard. You ask for so much, you ask for EVERYTHING. 

God says,"Well why won't you try? I ask for everything but I give you so much too. Things you would never find anywhere else. I'm worth it. I'm worth giving up everything."

I'm scared though God. I am so scared.

"I have not given you a spirit of fear or timidity, but of power, love and self discipline." 

You've spoken that verse into my life in so many ways.

"I know. I figure maybe one day you'll get."

The problem is fears keep popping up.

"You have to keep giving them to me."

I'll grow weary.

"I'll give you strength."

I'm not cut out for this. What if I give you everything and you completely destroy everything?

"That is not who I am. Come close. You will not regret it."

I know I won't, but the world will tell me I should regret it.

"When you choose me, the world will hate you because it hates me."

God, I'll try. I'll really try. How bout this. I'll give you the week. Every day I'll spend time with you. Every day I'll pray to you. I can do a week.

"That's a start."

B without the P

I just had a binge. I was already full from the lunch I had a few hours prior, but when I got home I had peach pie my mom made anyway. Then I had a real peach...some more peach pie, a bagel, and some crisps. By the time I got to the second piece of pie, I had already decided to purge. 

I haven't purged. This is difficult. I want to purge but I don't want to be in the cycle of purging. I can tell myself, just this once, but I know I can't even give in just ONCE. That's not how it works. So I'm sitting here on my bed, feeling incredibly full and uncomfortable, and distracting myself by blogging here. 

Now that I think about it, I know why I wanted to binge and purge. It wasn't out of ravenous hunger. It was an emotional reason- I'm meeting Ryan for coffee in a couple of hours. It's easier for me to run away and every cell in my body is screaming it. I suppose it was a way to deal with those uncomfortable feelings. 

Just thought I'd check in. I'm doing well otherwise. I haven't had any behaviors in 7 days. I did have a regretful night I'm so ashamed about, I won't even write about it here. I've only told Andi and that's the only person who is ever going to know. I feel horrible about it and just want to forget.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Guy Friendships

Remember that guy I went out with to coffee a bit ago? It’s a long story, but I shut down when Ryan tried to talk to me after that…he was still incredibly sweet which just killed me. My mom helped me figure out how to tell him I’m just plain scared of guys and I have issues. Yet again, he was way too kind. He said he can be patient because he thinks I’m worth it, or he can just disappear from my life if that’s what I really want. Seems we’re going to try and be friends. He deserves a chance. I can’t help but still feel scared though. We’re just going to be friends, nothing more. Yet I am afraid and have a strong urge to run away from the situation. He’s a nice guy. I think that’s part of what scares me. 

The last guy I was very close with was Daniel. That didn’t turn out so well though. We were always together for what seemed like a long time but in reality was more like a couple months. Every minute was spent together, on walks, talking, watching movies, listening to music, reading, walking up the hill for picnics, stargazing. He was the only one who knew about my cutting and eating disorder. I trusted him with everything…no wonder everyone thought we were dating. There wasn’t any romance between us though. No one seemed to understand that.

But our trip to Scotland happened.  I know he was dealing with his own crap- Sarah, his now wife, found out he cheated on her with a friend and they broke up. He was heartbroken and angry and shut me out.  A few weeks after that, we stopped hanging out. Well, he stopped hanging out with me. It was hurtful.

I think the conclusion I came to but never voiced was he thought I was worth spending time with but then he discovered the truth- I’m not worth his time. I am worthless. He saw the real me and was disappointed. He changed after that. Daniel was part of the “cool” group. He acted so differently towards me. We still hung out occasionally. Had a dead poet’s society that snuck out and read poetry by a bonfire secluded not far from the lake. He was a big flirt. Ironically, he only acted like that towards me in particular long after we stopped being conjoined at the hip.  He sat behind me in lectures and would tease me and mess with me during lectures like an annoying little boy. He also liked to hold hands. I wasn’t the only girl he’d hold hands with while talking, or hug, or be extremely affectionate…but it freaked me out. He never acted that way towards me before when we were together 24/7. It felt odd for him to flirt with me now.

After England, we skyped once or twice but it’s been three years since I’ve last seen him and I am nothing to him now. I still love him. Thinking about the time we spent together makes me sad because I can’t help but wonder what I did wrong, how I could have changed things…

There were three other guys in my life I was close with…maybe I’ll write about them sometime too. All of those friendships ended painfully. One I should have never trusted, another I should have never voiced a mutual romantic attraction in the fear of losing our friendship. The last…I wish I could have fulfilled his needs but I knew I was inadequate for the job. But oh how I wish I could have…

The common thread that ties them all together is their memories are painful and full of regret. I feel like all those relationships ended because they discovered the truth- I’m not what I appear to be, I am worthless and a disappointment. How can I really be surprised that I’m scared to begin another friendship with a guy, when the end of it seems inevitable and not to mention painful? When I’m just waiting for Ryan to discover I am not worth his time?