Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Distractions (not the good kind)

Silence. I'm usually texting a few different friends everyday, but for the past week my phone has been silent. My self-confidence isn't hurt by this, quite the contrary. Social lives ebb and flow depending on what's going on in everyone's lives. It's just weird though, to have this silence. To SIT in the silence. For once, all my close friends are doing great. I'm not helping them sort through whatever mess they've found themselves entangled in.

It's made me realize how much I use other people's problems to distract me from my own. There's so many thoughts and feelings I actually NEED to think through, but I'm doing whatever I can to distract myself because thinking about those feelings is too scary.

There's a confrontation, a long emotionally painful discussion, I've been waiting to have for ten years with someone. It's happening next week. I know I need to sort through my thoughts and feelings before I walk into this, but I can't seem to focus on it long enough. I don't want to feel. 

So, since no one seems to have any pressing matters in need of my opinion and support, I've had to rely on Grey's Anatomy marathons and Facebook stalking to occupy my time.

Sunday. Sunday I'll think about it. 

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Post Vacation Update

I haven't wrote a blog for quite a long time. I hate it when so much time has passed and so much has happened. It's a bit overwhelming to tackle all that's happened in a simple post.

I went on a two week vacation! We were in San Diego for five days. My dad spoke at a conference down there. I didn't really have any responsibilities so I just kind of did what I wanted to do, which mostly consisted of laying in a hammock by the pool all day long :) Maybe a Starbucks run here and there too ;)

Then we were in Anaheim for five days. We got four days park hopper passes for Disneyland and California Adventure! My dad was like a little kid there. I think seeing his excitement over every little detail was the best part of the trip. We were going going going every day!!! Constantly moving from 5am to 11pm. I felt bad the first two days because I knew my dad expected me to be able to keep up with them now that I'm in "recovery" and thirty pounds heavier than last year's disastrous failure of a trip to Disney. He finally got it though and I'm thankful for that because I needed him to understand I was pushing myself to the max.

We were in Bend/Sunriver, Oregon for five days too. My cousin got married! I absolutely love her! We are very much alike and we've always had that connection. I was able to get a pedicure and manicure with all the girls (bridesmaids and girl cousins), be at the rehearsal dinner, bachelorette party, brunch, and of course the wedding. It was a little overwhelming though. I mean, for two weeks I was NEVER alone. I kind of had a breakdown after the wedding during the dinner. Never being alone for an introvert who NEEDS alone time to recharge IS BAD NEWS. Needless to say, I loved the trip but am glad I'm home!!

Food during the trip was actually not that big of a problem. I was expecting to freak out and not be able to handle eating out for every meal, but somehow I managed and didn't binge or purge for 16 days!!! woot woot!! The night I had that panic attack at the wedding was the first time over two weeks that I purged.

I'm happy about that beautiful victory. It was a great accomplishment for me, since 6 days behavior free (not inpatient) was my previous record in over two years.

Coming back to the reality of work and normal day life was like taking an ice bath. Shocking. My anxiety came flooding back and the last three days have been filled with bingeing and purging. My throat hurts, I have sores in my mouth- I DID NOT miss it!!! I need to figure this out stat because I don't want to go back to living like this- it's not living at all.