Purge.

I never know when I'm going to find myself writing on this blog again. God knows I've had plenty of opportunities and things to talk about. However, I'm finding it easier and easier to keep my thoughts in my head where they might fester. It feels safer like that. Less real maybe. If I write what I'm really thinking or feeling here or via YouTube, it suddenly manifests itself as reality and who wants to face that?

Ignore my ramblings, my friends, or whoever finds their way to my  blog. I've had a rough weekend, and it really shouldn't of been. I went to a friend's bachelorette party. It was just the four bridesmaids and the bride, staying the night in a double queen deluxe room at a notoriously fancy and distinguished hotel. We went to the The Lounge to sip a glass of wine during happy hour. Awkward silence gave way to polite conversation, and eventually truly enjoyable banter. One bridesmaid had just gotten back from living in the mountains of Colorado, working with wolves which was fascinating to me (I might have a slight obsession with wolves). 

We went to a pub-like restaurant and we were all feeling comfortable with each other at this point. I decided to treat myself and get something I've not had for years- a cheeseburger with sweet potato fries and a mixed drink cocktail- huckleberry mint. I was happy, I really was...but I waffled down my food like I had never tasted anything so delectable before. Those familiar feelings of panic and overwhelming FULLNESS, equating to fatness, took over. I felt as though I might throw up- no, I WANTED to. Anything to not feel like this.

I excused myself to the bathroom and leaned over the toilet. At first, that's all it took to get some food out. I was naturally throwing up, right? I fooled myself. I was trying to purge. But everything wouldn't come up with such little help, especially after abstaining from purging for over 11 months. I committed to it, letting the panic control my actions. Just a finger for just a second, it didn't take much. And then I couldn't stop. I had to get it all, now. Out out out, leave me please. I can't handle you, food. You're too much. I'm too much.

I sat back down with the other girls. Guilt. What had I done? I had been holding out for so long so I could say I've been purge free for a whole year. Why did I give up on a whim, one month from my goal?

Self hatred is hard to hide from. I knew I'd have to tell my husband. We're a team now and we don't keep secrets. I wouldn't do that to him. I asked him to pick me up in an hour. I guess he knew something was up. 

We went back to our hotel room. We had champagne and talked about sex. I gave my advice as well as the only other married woman present. I downed a few glasses which normally would have just made me tipsy. Maybe being dehydrated and empty of food did a number on me. I found myself having an out of body experience only someone highly intoxicated can relate to. I couldn't walk straight. I found myself saying odd drunken thoughts out loud and most likely sharing way too much information. My bride friend walked me down when Ryan arrived, with what I later realized was a concerned look. 

I got in his car and from that moment on, felt and probably acted hysterical. I confessed I'd purged. I just cried and cried, asking if he still loved me, saying I was sorry over and over again.

I woke up this morning with a headache and incredibly sore throat. Ouch. 

Where do I go from here? It hurts to think about it. I hate myself for messing up. I've berated myself all day, and most likely for the rest of the week. I don't want to go back to purging, and I don't think I will. I'm just sad I let it back in, even if just for a night.

Bachelorette Party and Shower!

This weekend was my bachelorette party and bridal shower. The entirety of last week, I was filled with so much self hatred for my body. I was worried it would ruin a fun weekend with friends and family. It didn't. At least not in the moment. I was able to forget how I looked and just enjoy the present. Now I look at pictures that were taken, and am disgusted with my body. I have this fear too...What if I won't be able to lose the weight for my wedding? All I want to lose is five pounds. FIVE POUNDS. It's nothing. I used to be able to lose ten pounds with a snap of my fingers. I don't want to resort to eating disorder behavior though, and it seems so difficult, nay impossible, to lose weight the healthy way. The healthy way takes forever. I'm trying though. I am going to be more active this week, while also trying not to be TOO active. I'm excited to get married, despite the whole weight issue. 26 days! I can't believe it's almost here! Bachelorette party was friday beginning at 2pm. All my lovely bridesmaids met at my matron of honor's house (Andi). We got all dressed up, they wore black and I work a bright turqoise dress. We got a limo for the day and drank champagne will driving around for an hour. It was fun to have them all meet each other, and better yet, LIKE each other. We went to this place that did a private painting class- called Van Gogh and Merlot. How much better can painting get with a glass of Merlot in your hand? We all did surprisingly well, thank God we had a great teacher an a liberally abstract painting to reproduce! Afterwards, we had dinner and met up with some other friends along the way (which happened all night, since not everyone could be there for the whole affair). We went to this classy place called the Safari Room and had a yummy dinner. I had a spicy shrimp, mozzerella, and pesto flatbread. YUM!!!! :P Afterwards, we went to lookout pass to see the city lights. Then we played some fun games and just talked at Andi's house. I barely slept all night. My heart was racing and I had other problems that led to a panic attack in the middle of the night. Overall though, it was a blast! I have amazing friends!! The shower was just plain beautiful. I mean it- beautiful. I loved it. There was 65 people there, even though a bunch of people got a stomach bug. We had a morning brunch tea party, with tea cups, tea sandwiches, scones, and all. It was decorated perfectly and had all the detailed touches that make it so wonderful. People were very impressed and are still talking about it. I loved all the gifts I got and felt blessed. Anyways, I have pictures on my facebook. Maybe I'll post some here sometime??? Thank you all for your advice and support.They mean so much to me!

Olive Garden

I intend to keep this short. Bed is calling my name. It's been a busy day. Work was hectic and I didn't get half the things done I wanted to get done. I went straight from work to Ryan's house, changed, and helped him load a desk he is giving to my brother into his truck with my big man muscles.

We went straight from there to Olive Garden, meeting Ryan's mom and Grammie for dinner. I've been fretting over this all day. Should I get the low calorie soup- minestrone 100 cals? Or the soup I want- chicken and gnocchi 250 cals? A breadstick 150 cals? I ended up feeling guilty after I told Ryan what I had eaten for the day (400cals). We really were soooo busy at work, I barely had time to eat. Still...

I ended up having a whole fucking plate of angel hair pasta in ALFREDO sauce. I was only planning on having a little of it but I guess I really was hungry because I felt as though I couldn't stop myself. Cue purging. I didn't purge, mind you. But after I finished it, I regretted it instantly and everything in me wanted it OUT. I was no longer paying attention to the conversation. Instead, I was listing pros and cons in my head of purging. I'd break my nine month purge free streak...but I'd feel better in the moment...anyways, I decided not to purge mostly because I stalled myself long enough that I was finally able to convince myself I probably absorbed most the calories anyways.

In the end, I had a normal calorie amount (2000 calories). Just wish it wasn't mostly all in one sitting.

Now I'm all melancholy and hating myself. Eating disorders suck. They make simple things complicated. Part of me thrives on it. A bigger part of me is dying every time I give in to it. I want it but I hate it. I fight it, but embrace it.

Ryan always says I'm a conundrum. I'm all or nothing. Everything is black and white with me. Lately it's been more black than white though. Isn't this supposed to be the happiest time of my life? Aren't I supposed to be immersed in wedding planning and so fucking joyful, it makes people want to throw up? (haha no pun intended)

Body Hate

After a long absence from this blog, I am hesitant to return. Especially because I'm not in the greatest mind space at the moment.

This pressure has been building up inside of me, this growing hate for my body. In the past year, I've made leaps and bounds in my recovery. I haven't purged in over nine months. I have eaten quite normally. I've also gained 25 pounds. I've gained nearly 50 pounds from my lowest weight. As I've become more behavior free, I've slowly been adding on the pounds. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't think I should weigh this much. I hate my body right now.

Hate is a strong word but I mean it. I know logically I shouldn't hate it. But this pent up hatred is overwhelming. It consumes me. I try to ignore it and distract myself. I can't though. And I can't talk to anyone about it. I don't want their comforting words because to me, it's all lies. I just want the weight gone. I want it gone NOW.

I realize what a dangerous place I'm in right now. I haven't acted on these thoughts and feelings yet. I've been holding back because honestly, I don't want my eating disorder in my life again. But something has got to give. I've got to do SOMETHING to relieve the pressure that's building up to unbearable levels.

I just don't know what to do though, besides the obvious giving into behaviors. I'm getting married in 35 days and I've got my bachelorette party and bridal shower in a week. There will be so much food involved in the upcoming celebrations, not only for my wedding, but for one of my bridesmaids that is also getting married. I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it. I want to drown my sorrows in I know not what. Something. Something, or I will break.

Meal Plans Past/Future

Ok peeps! This is what I've BEEN eating for the past three months:

Breakfast
oatmeal+craisins+almonds+almond milk
vanilla soy cream+coffee

Morning Snack
apple

Lunch
high protein dry-mix soup (curry lentil, corn chowder, or split pea)
carrots

Afternoon Snack
almond milk

Dinner
yukon gold potatoes+ketchup
boca burger+spinach+salsa

Sometimes I'd eat more or less, depending on how I felt or if I was more physically active.

What I PLAN on eating starting next week:

Breakfast
2pc toast+almond butter+jam
vanilla soy cream+coffee

Morning Snack
apple

Lunch
tortilla wrap+hummus+edamame+red pepper+spinach+cucumber

Afternoon Snack
pineapple
carrots

Dinner
Quinoa+steamed broccoli+tofu+teriyaki sauce
red pepper

Life Happens.

I don't really want to talk about it, simply recognize it happened and it sucked. However, I had the nicest cop ever. He didn't give me the ticket I deserved, which would have been much more expensive. Before he left, he told me this doesn't mean I'm a bad person, I just made a mistake. I did really well with it all until he said that- then the tears started flowing. It took a good 30 minutes for them to stop.

What can I say, life happens. After my blissful weekend, life is really raining on my parade. My grandpa's dementia is getting really bad. It's so hard to watch this great, wonderful man lose his mind. Ryan didn't get a job he wanted in town and there's just so many uncertainties, it's hard not to live in fear.

I also couldn't exercise Monday and Tuesday. I fell down icy stairs Friday and it really messed with my back. I felt like I had a pinched nerve or something and it was really bothering me. I was surprised by how much I freaked out by not being about to exercise. It was a wakeup call for sure...I need to watch myself and make sure I don't become addicted to exercise again. I worked out today and am feeling much better about myself, though I don't think the problem was ever really addressed.

I'm also getting SUPER SUPER burnt out on my food. I've been eating the same thing everyday for the past few months. The thought of another potato for dinner makes me feel nauseous. So I'm switching it up starting Monday! Ryan asked me why I can't just start now. I told him I needed to finish the food I have now. True, most of what I eat isn't going to go bad for awhile. I realized though I have a problem with having more than one food option per meal in the house. It's easier for me to have just enough food and every meal to be predictable. It eases the anxiety of it all. This realization only surprised me because I didn't know I still struggled with it. I mean, I'm in recovery but apparently I'm not "recovered" yet. I still have food issues, even though I am not bingeing or purging or restricting. I wonder if I'll ever be recovered???

I was thinking about posting what I've been eating on a daily basis for the past few months and what I plan to switch to as of Monday. Let me know if you guys are interested and I'll make the post tonight!

30 DAYS BEHAVIOR FREE!!!

Yep, that's right. Today is day 30 of no eating disorder behaviors! I've had this goal for so long and reaching it seemed like an impossible dream.

Life is good. I love living independent of my family. I enjoy my job. I have a sweet boyfriend and I never want to let go of him. I'm weight restored and behavior free for the first time in years. I'm exercising and eating healthy and NORMALLY. I'm at peace with my body. I'm learning to like it's shape.

Could I be any happier?

Gym Rats

I love Saturdays. I took an extra dose of seroquel last night and slept beautifully. I woke up still in a drugged fog but it felt wonderful to be relaxed and have the sun peaking through the shades while I'm snuggled up in my feather duvet. I ate my oatmeal with dried fruit, almonds and almond milk, and had my french press coffee. I did NOT want to get out of bed and go to the gym, where I feel like a complete failure.

But I did go. It took some motivation from the boyfriend and ten minutes looking through pinterest workout motivation posts. Apparently everyone else thought going to the gym at 11am was a good idea too. There weren't any treadmills available and my YMCA is new and HUGE. I messed around on the elliptical for a few minutes to get warmed and snagged a treadmill when someone finally gave theirs up.

On both sides of me were two gym rats. You know the type. The girl on my right doing all sorts of intervals at different speeds. The one on the left was running at an insane high speed and maintaining it until her time ran out. She stopped and caught her breath for a minute and restarted the treadmill for another sixty minutes at a break-a-neck speed. I know these girls because I used to be one of them. It's like a special club. You never speak to each other but give a knowing nod whenever your eyes happen to meet. I used to walk proudly at the gym like I owned the place. 

Now I keep my head down and eyes averted from everyone in close proximity. I am ashamed. My membership to the gym rat club has expired. I no longer belong with the elite. I'm just another lumpy, out of shape, commoner. 

I had these thoughts while I was running/walking and I almost went back to my car so I could go home and mope.

It's true. I'm no longer a gym rat. I am aiming for a life of balance that extends into my exercise regime. I will most likely never be a gym rat again because it's not healthy for me. I'm learning to be okay with it too. It's just not easy to let go of the title I used to be so proud of...

Work Party

I'M ON DAY 19 OF NO BEHAVIORS!!! I made a record of 16 days behavior free on Sunday, and my reward was that I would allow myself to start working out again. I was so excited to feel better about my body again and feel STRONG. I began a six week challenge blog: http://fitandhealthysixweeks.blogspot.com

Well, if you read my latest blog on that blog, you'll know my workout plan was total fail. My body is so out of shape, it's discouraging. I want to give up and just not eat. I won't do that, but the temptation is there.

This weekend I had our work (belated) christmas party. Ryan was my date and it was so fun to dress up and feel pretty. I bought this beautiful dress a few weeks prior but was unsure if I would actually wear it. It's a form fitting sort of dress and I felt very self-conscious wearing it. Last year's work party I brought my friend Caryssa and I weighed twenty pounds less than I do now. I was so afraid of people talking behind my back saying things like,"Wow, she HAS gained a lot of weight. She is looking chubby now." 

However, I got a lot of good compliments on how I looked this year. Having Ryan there for support was great too. He thought I looked beautiful and sexy :) So I guess I can accept that. 

We had free wine and dinner and danced a bunch! Ryan came to MY work party and got a free beer, $25.00 Home Depot gift card, a huge jar full of peanut M&Ms, and a dollar bill. How did he win everything and I didn't?! RUDE. ;)

Me at last year's party:

This year's party:

Working Out Or Starving

Hello again :) I've been thinking about this blog and wanting to write something on here for some time. There's certain things I cannot voice in my day-to-day life but I can say here, and those things have been building up lately. 

I have been doing great. I have a job I enjoy, I'm not living at home anymore but with friends and LOVING it, I have a boyfriend I adore- I couldn't ask for anyone better. I've been weight restored since November and maintaining. I purge less frequently- once or twice every two weeks or so (much better than 3-6 times per DAY)...

I am loving life. The only thing I'm unhappy about is my body. I hate it so much. My stomach extends into a lumpy roundish thing, my thighs touch, my sides hang over my jeans...I have a work party tonight and a dress that's ADORABLE, but all I can see is my imperfections- a body that does not do the dress justice.

I've been having an overwhelming amount of eating disordered thoughts I don't act on, but still they linger.

My only hope right now is starting to work out again on Monday. Maybe then I'll be okay with this body at this weight. However, I'm afraid of what happens if working out fails me. It'd be so easy to go back to my eating disorder behaviors. I'll have thoughts that say, "Just don't eat this week. You'll lose a few pounds and feel better." But I want to start working out and I've learned you can't do both. I need energy to work out. Running on fumes in not enjoyable and ASKING for trouble. I've done that before. I'm either eating and working out, or not eating and not working out. It's one or the other.

These are my honest thoughts, eating disordered they may be. Still, it feels nice to get them out somewhere.