Why I've Been Absent

I haven't blogged in awhile...the truth is I've been doing great. I have slip ups and hard days but they're happening less often. My good days are more numerous than my bad days. Every now and then, I'll check out the blogging world and what's going on in the lives of the people I follow here. It depresses me. There's so much hopelessness, and I'm all too familiar with it. Eating disorders are horrible and it breaks my heart to see my friends and those I follow give in to the lies Ed wants you to believe.

I turn off my computer feeling that same hopelessness. It still can suck me in, if I give it any attention. So that's why I haven't been on here much. I am not strong enough yet to be present here and help people...ENCOURAGE others. I want to, but I fall.

I miss all of you. I miss reading your blogs. I'm getting stronger though. I'll come back. Just wanted you lovely people to know. I am well. Weight restored for the past few weeks. I'm learning to be okay with it. I am happy.

<3 rae

Long Time, No Post!

I'm sorry I've been MIA for the past few weeks or however long it's been since I last blogged. Life has been good! I just moved out of my house this weekend into a house my best friend bought. There's three of us living there- Rissa, Bonnie (my brother's "widowed" girlfriend) and I. We've been waiting for months to move and it finally happened! At first I was incredibly stressed out, but once we really started moving my stuff and setting up my new room, excitement set in and I felt quite happy about the whole affair. There's still so much to do- there's boxes and just STUFF everywhere in the living room and kitchen. My room is pretty much all done though and it's so cute! I'll post pictures here when I get the curtains up :)

I can't remember if I told you guys, but I've been officially dating Ryan for about two weeks now. He's incredibly sweet to me and I have been freaking out less. Ever since we became official, I've become incredibly affectionate with him. I love cuddling and holding hands! We just kissed for the first time yesterday, and I'm still slightly freaked out by it as to be expected knowing me, but once I get over the fear of being completely inadequate at kissing I think I'll really enjoy it.

Eating disorder wise...I've been struggling less since I've known Ryan. Oh, I took a break from all therapy a few weeks ago. I don't think I'm going back. I am sooo much happier not going to therapy. I think I've been going for so long, it's lost it's affectiveness. Maybe if I'm not doing so hot, I'll go back, but for now I'm doing pretty good. I've gotten purging down to only 3-4 days per week, and only 1-2 per day. This might seem like a lot of behaviors to some people but believe me, it is a VAST improvement!!! I've been eating regularly as well and not skipping meals except once or twice a week. I can't wait till I get to the point where I have aboslutely no behaviors, or even just one a week. That would be a dream come true! I think the more I start to believe Ryan when he says I'm beautiful and worth something, the less I hate my body and want to do it harm.

SO there's a summary of my life currently. I'll write more later when I get the chance :) Much love to all of you!

Running Away with Faeries

My thoughts and feelings of late confound me. They're mixed and matched, contradicting and conflicting. It's easier to not feel or think. It's more desirable to lose myself in numbness and pretend this part of me does not exist.

How does a slight touch send electric shocks through my body, leaving my senses sizzling and heightened? Am I okay with this? Is it a bad feeling or a good feeling?

In a moment of blunt honesty, I voiced the truth about the current state of my eating disorder. Hearing it outloud and confessing it to another human being made reality more tangible. I feel heavy. Though I strongly desire to stop therapy sessions and other eating disorder related appointments, my frequent behaviors strongly suggest I'm not ready.

Yeats translates my current state of mind into a poetic form:

"Come away, O human child,

from the waters and the wild,

with a faery hand in hand,

for the world's more full of weeping

than you can understand."

If only I could escape with faeries. It paints a pretty picture :)

Sick and Down

I stayed home from work sick today with a sinus infection cold thingy. I tried to do some things around the house so I don't feel too lazy. After I cleaned my room, sheets, and laundry I took a nice hot bath. People underestimate the power of hot water+Bath and Body Works soap and lotion afterwords.

I still feel dirty. I can't clean away the guilt and self hatred I feel towards myself. I messed up at work on Monday- made multiple mistakes. I was training and not being as careful as I should have been. On top of that, I had to take today off and I feel bad for putting my coworkers one (wo)man down. All of this only confirms those fears I've been trying so hard to keep at bay.

I am a failure. I'm going to lose my job because I'm a failure. I'm not cut out for this job. I am fat. I am ugly. I am worthless.

Being home alone hasn't helped anything. I've not had much to distract me from these thoughts and feelings. I'm trying to stay positive, but when I'm sick and feeling horrible about myself, it's hard to believe in self affirmations.

I've been half wanting to make a video but can't seem to sit in front of a camera for long. All I end up doing is critiquing myself.

This last weekend was fun though. I hung out with Ryan a lot and my girlfriends too. Saw a kids musical production of Dr. Doolittle with my grandma and little cousins. Firstly, I hate talking animals. I always have hated talking animals. Cinderella was always my least favorite princess because she had way too many talking animals around her. I know, I sound horrible but it's the facts. Dr. Doolittle is ALL about talking animals and furthermore, THE MUSICAL WAS THREE HOURS LONG! Who in their right mind would have a kids play about talking animals last so long? I thought I was going to die. Six year old Maddie kept shaking me whenever I tried to fall asleep. She was very concerned that I didn't miss a minute of Dr. Doolittle.

Pure torture.

On a happier note, I GOT MY IPHONE 5! Woot woot :)

Coffeeshop Boy

I've been hanging out at this cute little french bakery/coffee shop called La Petit Chat. It's such a cute little place and a legit bakery so it has so many yummy treats I like to splurge on every so often. There almond croissant so flaky and delicious and my "go-to" is the sticky oat bran muffin. I've been here for a couple of hours now, sipping some tea and alternating between reading poetry and writing letters to friend.

Just a second a go, a guy who works here dropped a note off. It said that he would ask me in person, but didn't think his boss would approve. He asked me to go out tomorrow night and gave me his number. I'm incredibly flattered!!! I thought we had one of those "clicks." I think he's cute. His little nephew and niece have come by to say hello and he's great with them. PLUS, he went to ORU so he watches the Ducks. So what's stopping me from giving a big resounding yes to his question??

Ryan. I like Ryan. I'm liking him more and more. I don't know about romantically, but I'm definitely heading in that direction. And I know he's hoping for something more with me eventually. Furthermore, Ryan is so understanding, sweet, and patient with me. I can't imagine someone who could be any better than that. Thing is, we are not dating. I could technically just go out with this coffeeshop guy. I want to actually. I think it would be fun and I want to branch out. The main thing stopping me is I KNOW it would hurt him. I don't want to hurt him or play games or anything like that. 

So I told the coffeeshop guy (he does have a name- Taylor) I think he's cute and I'm flattered, but I'm in a weird place relationally. I'm not dating but I'm not in the place to go there either. If he wants to get to know each other as friends, then cool. If not, we can leave it at that and just be polite strangers. I don't know if he's seen the message yet- I mean he's working right now. But I'll let you know how he responds.

MY LIFE. I'm really flattered though. To be seen as someone desirable? By legitimately nice guys who aren't just trying to sleep with me? Yeah, that makes me happy.

 

New Job

I'm starting my new job tomorrow. Let me explain- I had a different, seemingly less permanent position at work for the last year. Someone just retired last Friday and I'm taking her position. I used to be a floater and work everyone's job on their day off. Now, someone else is the floater and I finally have my own desk! I cleaned and reorganized it friday and put up pictures I brought from home. Doing this made it more real for me.

My anxiety and fears are overwhelming me now. Tomorrow is my first day doing this job not as a floater. I'm feeling inept. Can I really do this job? As a floater, I just did the basics of the job, but now there's all the little things that DeeDee's job entails and now I'm the one expected to do them. Can I live up to those expectations?

I'm so afraid of failing and letting other people down.

On top of all that, I'm trying to navigate my way through all of my boy issues. How confusing and triggering.

No Moderation

Since my life has been a whirlwind of weddings, getting ready to move out, and other social activities, I was planning on this week being a mellow one. Somehow though, I found myself committing to little things here and there. I realized yesterday how my low-key week has turned into another very busy week.

 

I'm beginning to feel stressed about everything. I love my friends and family. I WANT to hang out with them. But I need some alone time too. Seems like I won't be getting much of it for awhile.

 

Amazingly enough, I haven't binged or purged in four days. I struggled with purging last week so I'm proud of myself for getting back on track.

 

I think I'm PMSing. I'm easily irritable and I snap at people, especially my parents, with absolutely no good reason. I ended up calling my mom yesterday to apologize for my moodiness.

 

On a slightly lighter note, I've been overdosing on beets. My mom got fresh picked beets this weekend and boiled them. I've literally been having about 5 large beets every day. TMI: My urine and poo are red, purple, or pink. I'm taking this as a definite sign I need to back off the beets, which won't be too difficult. I'm sick of them already. That's my problem- I don't know how to moderate. When I like something, I have A LOT of it. Then I can't stand even the thought of eating/drinking it for a few years at least. This has happened to me for years with pears, oranges, bananas, yogurt, vodka (more recent haha), peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, etc. The list goes on and on. It took me 11 years to finally eat a PB & J sandwich again!!!

 

Anyways, back to work. Just wanted to vent a little and check in ;)

lil update on life

The weekend could not of been more welcome. I had a fun time last night going to dinner at a vegan/vegetarian restaurant and seeing Pitch Perfect with a friend! Her lame ass long distance boyfriend has been cheating on her so girl time was much needed for both of us.

I drugged myself with an extra dosage of seroquel last night and just woke up. I'm meeting a friend at a local bakery/coffee shop so that'll be fun!

I'm doing okay. Kind of hanging in there right now. Moving out and boy stuff is stressing me out a bit, but I'll be alright.

The Anatomy of a Binge/Purge

Binges can happen for several reasons.

1. You're emotionally distraught. You might be stressed, angry, tired, anxious.
2. You're malnourished. You can be any weight, even obese, and be malnourished. You're body is in a place where it will override your willpower because it wants to survive.
3. You're bored.

Sometimes, you've already decided you're going to binge and purge before you even begin. Other times, you don't even see it coming. There's an invisible line and if you eat something that crosses that line, that's it- you HAVE to binge/purge.

During a binge, you're in the zone. I've been thinking about it, and I'm not sure you feel happy or sad or feel anything at all. At first, you taste the food you're eating and you might think it's delicious. But there's definitely a point where you stop tasting it. You're not eating for taste anymore- you're eating to fill yourself up with something. Maybe you're distracting yourself from whatever it is you don't want to face. Whether it be feelings, thoughts, situations, people- it's an escape. It's "the zone."

Then comes the guilt, the urge to GET IT OUT NOW. Sometimes I binge to purge, especially when I am feeling an extreme level of self hatred. Generally though, purging is the "problem fixer." It's your best friend when you're filled with that unique panic, when you realize how much you actually ate. It's your out from suffering the consequences, the inevitable weight gain from your binge.

No matter what though, you suffer consequences when you purge. It might not be weight gain, but it'll be dental problems, electrolyte imbalances, wreaking of vomit, bloody noses- you get the idea. But for some, those consequences are alright, as long as the number doesn't go up on the scale.

Purging does something else for me though. I feel this numbness, almost like taking a drug. I feel relaxed. It's soothing sometimes.

However, you can never do it "just once." It's a cycle and incredibly difficult to free yourself from it.

I hate bingeing and purging, but I'm still a slave to this self-destructive cycle. I have periods where I don't have those behaviors, but it's always been there, lingering, waiting for me to be vulnerable. Ever since I was 14. Nine years...I'll be free of it once day. I want that day now.

I HATE being sick.

I've been sick the last two days with some kind of stomach flu- fever and all. Of course I get sick during one of the busiest weeks of the year for me! Thankfully, I'm feeling much better this morning which is good because the next two days are going to be crazy busy. My best friend Andi is getting married! I have the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner tonight and of course, the wedding and all that entails tomorrow.

We had so much fun Monday night, relabeling water bottles and taking sunglasses (for party favors) out of their packaging. We had wine and blasted our old favorite music, singing along just like we used to as teenagers. Those songs brought back so many memories for both of us, and the feelings that defined that time of our life. It was bittersweet, but mostly sweet ;)

I need to get out of bed. I think I'll eat some fruit and get going for the day!

Oregon Wedding and Football Game

Hello my peeps! I hope you all had a fantastic weekend :) Mine was sure a busy one. We left early Friday morning for an 8-9hr drive down to Oregon. I drugged myself with Xanax so I don't remember most of that part haha. My parents dropped me off at the church and Rissa and I ran around helping Emilie and her bridal party with whatever they needed. We got them cheese,meat and crackers and I made them kale smoothies. I thought it didn't taste that great but they loved them so whatever! I aim to please ;)

The wedding was beautiful. Emilie looked stunning! The reception was a lot of fun too. I got to see a bunch of family and friends I haven't seen in awhile. I felt pretty too :) I know this sounds weird, but I actually got a lot of attention from guys and it didn't creep me out like it usually does. I actually enjoyed it! Which brings me to a topic I'm going to have to write about semperately sometime- sexual desire and eating disorders. I lost all sexual desire when I relapsed and I would say, for the first time in a long time, those feelings are coming back- STRONG. It's a bit overwhelming. Do people feel like this all the time? The thought of holding hands or kissing or even sex doesn't repel me anymore. I DESIRE it, which is a new experience for me.

I helped pack up all the presents, drive them to Emilie's apartment, and unload them. Rissa and I were so tired and hungry by then. We drove by McDonalds and I got french fries and two apple pies. This set the tone for the rest of the weekend with my food choices. To be honest, I purged this weekend...a good deal too. I was eating a lot of foods I don't normally eat. I didn't purge every time, but I did more often than not.

The next day, we had the Oregon Ducks football game! I've never been to a football game. At first, I was miserable. We had to walk far, I wasn't feeling well from purging breakfast twice that morning, and my anxiety level was at a 10 because I hate crowds- especially rowdy drunk men. But I got food into me that I kept- curly fries and a churro a bit late- nothing healthy since football games have nothing to offer other than grease, meat and fat. I loosened up and enjoyed the game a bit more once all my family got there. I love hanging out with my cousins so that was fun!

I got to enjoy a coffee date with my Ashley who is going to college in Eugene. LOVE HER! We got to chat about boy problems and eating disorder struggles and victories.

That night, we went to my cousin Collett's house and had dinner and leftover wedding cake with all the family. I primarily hung out with my little cousins and talked about superheroes and princesses all night.

I met someone at breakfast in the hotel the Sunday morning. I'm pretty sure she has an eating disorder too, though I don't think she considers herself eating disordered. We had a really nice chat all morning and exchanged information. She seems like a worthwhile, intelligent woman I'd like to get to know!

The drive back took FOREVER and it didn't help that I got sick. Eugene has kombucha on tap at gas stations which I got WAY too excited about! I drank 24oz of kombucha in under an hour and I ended up throwing up lunch shortly after. It felt so nice to get home. Overall, I'm glad I went.

This next week is going to be CRAZY BUSY! Andi's wedding is this weekend and everyday I have things planned. I won't have any free time and I'm stressing out a bit. I am planning on being behavior free this entire week and truth is, I'm doing it mostly for Andi. I don't need her worrying about me. This week is all about her!!!

Wedding Weekend

I'm leaving for Oregon in a few minutes for my cousins and friend's wedding. I've been so busy this week I haven't had a chance to respond to anyone, either by email, youtube, or here. When I get back I will find the time, but I just wanted to let everyone know how much your support means to me. Thank you so much!

I'm off! I have so much anxiety about traveling so I'm going to drug myself with xanax ;) I WILL keep my twitter updated!!! So if you want to know what's going on during my trip, find me there- raganmae.

MUCH LOVE!

Overwhelmed

Lately it's been easier to blog than to make a youtube video. Something about the way I sound, how I look, etc annoys me. Not to mention, I've been struggling to understand what's been going on inside my  head. Explaining my thoughts and feelings on camera isn't really working when I can't even decipher them myself.

I've been doing good lately, I really have, but this weekend has been a challenge for me. There were behaviors I haven't had in awhile and I hated every second of it. I know why I had behaviors too...there's a lot going on right now. Weddings every weekend for the next few weeks, moving out drama...I have so much to do but I keep putting it off because I feel so overwhelmed right now.

One thing I HAVE learned- take one day at a time. Make a plan. Break things down so they don't seem so intimidating. So that's what I'll do.

Doesn't stop me from wishing I could run away from everything though.

Driftwood

I don't know where and who I am anymore. I'm not ready for love. I'm probably not going to be following through with my plans to move out now. I don't know where my life is going. I no longer have my eating disorder identity to rely on, or rather I don't have the desire to hold onto that label. I feel different towards Ed. I'm done with it.

But who am I now? I'm lost. I know God is like, "Hey, I'm over here. Are you going to come to me yet? I'm waiting." 

But God, living for you is so hard. You ask for so much, you ask for EVERYTHING. 

God says,"Well why won't you try? I ask for everything but I give you so much too. Things you would never find anywhere else. I'm worth it. I'm worth giving up everything."

I'm scared though God. I am so scared.

"I have not given you a spirit of fear or timidity, but of power, love and self discipline." 

You've spoken that verse into my life in so many ways.

"I know. I figure maybe one day you'll get."

The problem is fears keep popping up.

"You have to keep giving them to me."

I'll grow weary.

"I'll give you strength."

I'm not cut out for this. What if I give you everything and you completely destroy everything?

"That is not who I am. Come close. You will not regret it."

I know I won't, but the world will tell me I should regret it.

"When you choose me, the world will hate you because it hates me."

God, I'll try. I'll really try. How bout this. I'll give you the week. Every day I'll spend time with you. Every day I'll pray to you. I can do a week.

"That's a start."

B without the P

I just had a binge. I was already full from the lunch I had a few hours prior, but when I got home I had peach pie my mom made anyway. Then I had a real peach...some more peach pie, a bagel, and some crisps. By the time I got to the second piece of pie, I had already decided to purge. 

I haven't purged. This is difficult. I want to purge but I don't want to be in the cycle of purging. I can tell myself, just this once, but I know I can't even give in just ONCE. That's not how it works. So I'm sitting here on my bed, feeling incredibly full and uncomfortable, and distracting myself by blogging here. 

Now that I think about it, I know why I wanted to binge and purge. It wasn't out of ravenous hunger. It was an emotional reason- I'm meeting Ryan for coffee in a couple of hours. It's easier for me to run away and every cell in my body is screaming it. I suppose it was a way to deal with those uncomfortable feelings. 

Just thought I'd check in. I'm doing well otherwise. I haven't had any behaviors in 7 days. I did have a regretful night I'm so ashamed about, I won't even write about it here. I've only told Andi and that's the only person who is ever going to know. I feel horrible about it and just want to forget.

Guy Friendships

Remember that guy I went out with to coffee a bit ago? It’s a long story, but I shut down when Ryan tried to talk to me after that…he was still incredibly sweet which just killed me. My mom helped me figure out how to tell him I’m just plain scared of guys and I have issues. Yet again, he was way too kind. He said he can be patient because he thinks I’m worth it, or he can just disappear from my life if that’s what I really want. Seems we’re going to try and be friends. He deserves a chance. I can’t help but still feel scared though. We’re just going to be friends, nothing more. Yet I am afraid and have a strong urge to run away from the situation. He’s a nice guy. I think that’s part of what scares me. 

The last guy I was very close with was Daniel. That didn’t turn out so well though. We were always together for what seemed like a long time but in reality was more like a couple months. Every minute was spent together, on walks, talking, watching movies, listening to music, reading, walking up the hill for picnics, stargazing. He was the only one who knew about my cutting and eating disorder. I trusted him with everything…no wonder everyone thought we were dating. There wasn’t any romance between us though. No one seemed to understand that.

But our trip to Scotland happened.  I know he was dealing with his own crap- Sarah, his now wife, found out he cheated on her with a friend and they broke up. He was heartbroken and angry and shut me out.  A few weeks after that, we stopped hanging out. Well, he stopped hanging out with me. It was hurtful.

I think the conclusion I came to but never voiced was he thought I was worth spending time with but then he discovered the truth- I’m not worth his time. I am worthless. He saw the real me and was disappointed. He changed after that. Daniel was part of the “cool” group. He acted so differently towards me. We still hung out occasionally. Had a dead poet’s society that snuck out and read poetry by a bonfire secluded not far from the lake. He was a big flirt. Ironically, he only acted like that towards me in particular long after we stopped being conjoined at the hip.  He sat behind me in lectures and would tease me and mess with me during lectures like an annoying little boy. He also liked to hold hands. I wasn’t the only girl he’d hold hands with while talking, or hug, or be extremely affectionate…but it freaked me out. He never acted that way towards me before when we were together 24/7. It felt odd for him to flirt with me now.

After England, we skyped once or twice but it’s been three years since I’ve last seen him and I am nothing to him now. I still love him. Thinking about the time we spent together makes me sad because I can’t help but wonder what I did wrong, how I could have changed things…

There were three other guys in my life I was close with…maybe I’ll write about them sometime too. All of those friendships ended painfully. One I should have never trusted, another I should have never voiced a mutual romantic attraction in the fear of losing our friendship. The last…I wish I could have fulfilled his needs but I knew I was inadequate for the job. But oh how I wish I could have…

The common thread that ties them all together is their memories are painful and full of regret. I feel like all those relationships ended because they discovered the truth- I’m not what I appear to be, I am worthless and a disappointment. How can I really be surprised that I’m scared to begin another friendship with a guy, when the end of it seems inevitable and not to mention painful? When I’m just waiting for Ryan to discover I am not worth his time?

What I Eat (Vegan)

Some of you have asked for examples of what I like to eat on a daily basis, either to give you ideas of what are healthy portions or maybe because you're considering going vegan yourself! I made a list of what I'm eating lately with portion sizes.

Keep in mind: I am NOT a dietician! I hope this gives you guys ideas of meals or snack though, and maybe you'll branch out and try something new!

Breakfast

 

- 2 pc toast (Veganic or Dave's Killer Bread) w/ 2 TB almond/peanut butter, and a fruit

- vegan cereal w/ 1cup almond/soy/rice milk and banana

- oatmeal (1/2cup dry) made with almond/soy-rice milk, and brown sugar, slivered almonds, banana (or other fruit)

- smoothie: almond/soy/rice milk+vegan protein powder+frozen blueberries (sub other fruit)+1-2 TB ground flax seed (opt)+handful of spinach (opt)

- 1cup soy yogurt+fruit+1/2cup granola

- bagel (Dave's Killer) w/ tofutti vegan cream cheese OR almond butter and jam, with 1pc fruit

 

Lunch

 

- salad: spinach,red pepper, tomato, boca burger, 1/2 avocado, balsamic+olive oil (base of a salad:leafy greens+2-3veggies+protein+fats)

 other salad add ins: black beans, corn, chickpeas, dried figs, olives, cucumber, mandarin oranges, apples, walnuts, almonds

- vegan soup (ex: lentil, blackbean, corn chowder, vegetable) w/ pc toasted bread OR pita chips

- 2 servings pita chips, 1/4c hummus, veggies, pc of fruit

- sandwich: 2pc bread, veggie burger, sliced cucumber, alfalfa sprouts, and avocado OR hummus, and fruit

 

Dinner

 

- hot potato w/ salsa and boca burger crumbled, and fruit

- sweet potato w/ brown sugar, vegan sausage (Tofurky), steamed broccoli

- brown rice w/ steamed veggies, soy sauce, boca burger

- chickpea quinoa pilaf (ask me for recipe)

- quinoa with blackbeans, corn and salsa

- Tofu stir fry: veggies of choice, firm tofu marinated in yoshidas sauce (or sauce of choice),over 1c brown rice

 

Snacks (2-3per day OR MORE if needed)

 

- 1/4cup dry roasted edamame

- 1/4 almonds or mixed nuts

- pc of fruit (apple, banana, orange, peach, strawberries, etc) (opt- add 1-2 TB almond/peanut butter with apple or banana)

- soy yogurt (opt with fruit)

- popcorn (plain or kettle)

- protein vegan bar (Zing brand)

- hot chocolate made with soy/almond/rice milk

- 2 raspberry fig bars (found @ Huckleberries or other health food stores)

- saltine crackers w/ 1-2 TB peanut/almond butter

- Larabar

- veggies with hummus

- soy latte

 

Volume On Mute

My feelings are muted. I know they're there, but they are not sending me into a panic. The usual frenzy of thoughts and feelings colliding with one another like one mine setting off the rest isn't happening. It should be, it would be, if not for the anti-depression meds. I don't know whether to feel comforted or worried about that fact. It means the prozac is working, right?

The only problem is part of me WANTS to feel that depth of emotion, despite how destructive my coping mechanisms for dealing with such extreme feelings can be. I'm still blown away by the realization that I WANT to feel the depression. Who says that? Who, in their right mind, misses it?

Best Eating Disorder Blogs of 2012

The Unglamorous World of Eating Disorders

Brave and bubbly blogger Rae opens readers eyes in The Unglamorous World of Eating Disorders. She doesn’t sugarcoat the difficulties of battling an unhealthy obsession with food, and she makes it clear that eating disorders – and the steps to recovery from them – aren’t pretty.

Join this winsome writer on her pathway to health, vitality, and positive self-image by dropping her an encouraging word. Her heart is in her posts, and Rae’s efforts and honesty earn her a top spot on the list of Best Eating Disorder Blogs of 2012. You can do it, Rae!
http://www.healthline.com/health-slideshow/best-eating-disorders-blogs

Say WHAT?! I feel loved. I saw a fellow blogger's post on how her blog made it on the best eating disorder blogs of 2012 list. I clicked on the link and found out I'm on that list too! Wow. I'm just so happy there's people who are so loving and supportive of me on this journey. Ever since I began my blog, here and on YouTube, I feel less alone. 

So THANK YOU! :)

The Race

I really should make a video about the last two weeks...so much has happened and I've a lot to talk about. However, finding the time to get away and make a proper video is elusive. Family is in town and I rarely have a moment to myself. It's only now everyone is asleep in their beds that I can find time to write these words. I feel compelled to write. There's so many things I need to process but who can I tell my innermost thoughts? Though I'm surrounded by people I love, I am alone in my head and no one near me is fit to see this mess inside.

Today is what's foremost on my mind. I got up at 4am, which isn't exactly normal for a Saturday morning, and got geared up for a triathlon. My uncle is injured and my mom hasn't been training enough to feel comfortable doing an olympic distance triathlon. The solution was my 17year old cousin would be doing the race for my uncle, and my mom, aunt and I would do the triathlon relay style. I only found out about this two weeks ago and started running again but I'm not exactly in tip top shape so I was a bit worried about my performance.

My aunt did the swim. We waited and waited for a purple cap, black and neon green wetsuit to appear. She was literally the last person out of the water. I felt bad for my aunt. She hasn't swam since her last triathlon THREE YEARS AGO. Furthermore, her time wasn't bad- it was what she expected. Unfortunately, the bar was raised high this year and it seemed only the professionals showed up instead of an additional group of NORMAL PEOPLE who aren't exercise addicts with six packs.

My mom made up a bit of time on the bike portion of the race. We were only second to dead last by the time I began my run.

I've never raced before and I had injured my foot a few days ago, so I reserved my energy and took an easy pace. Within the first mile, I passed an older man. I felt sort of bad about the fact I was secretly rejoicing inside- I wasn't going to cross the finish line last!!! There were at least two people behind me! Each mile I passed more and more people. My foot didn't hurt anymore- probably because of the adrenaline. I felt good. I picked up the pace and passed more people. Crossing the finish line was one of the greatest feelings ever! Especially knowing we weren't last and I had been able to get us ahead of around 30 people. My time didn't suck too much either though it could have been better if I trained.

I felt good at something, and if not good, capable.

Underneath all this happiness is self-doubt and fear. I am not okay inside. I've been eating much more than usual the past couple of days to the point of being uncomfortably full. This feeling triggered a more destructive feeling of self-hatred. I couldn't believe myself. How could I have let myself go? How could I have eaten so much? I have to repeat over and over again my mantra,"It's okay. It'll be okay." I don't want this to ruin such happiness. I can't let it!

The Dating Dilemma

I've felt restless in my mind the past two days. It's like getting bills in the mail and, knowing it's a bill, put off opening it. When I procrastinate thinking through the rough stuff, I end up using my eating disorder to distract myself from the fact everything isn't perfect and happy in my head.

I've been doing well actually- Thursday was Day 7 of no behaviors. Well, it would have been Day 7. I purged dinner twice. It took everything in me not to beat myself up. Instead of thinking it through about WHY I had those behaviors, I decided to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. Today I had behaviors again. I can't ignore it anymore. Time to face the truth.

I was physically vulnerable. I've been working out hard the past week, doing something active every day. My body isn't used to this much activity and I know I'm not giving it enough fuel. For some reason, it's difficult to get enough calories in when I'm this active. Some people get hungry when they work out more, but I lose my appetite.

I was mentally vulnerable. I was planning on going to an ED support group Thursday night but at the last minute bowed out. I wish I would have gone because it helped so much last week and I needed the support. Instead I went home and purged.

I was spiritually vulnerable. I wasn't doing my devotions or praying and these things really help to center me. When I'm close with God I'm more aware of what's really important in life and I'm better able to resist using behaviors to deal with negative feelings.

On top of that, I got a message from a friend who asked me how I felt about being set up with someone. Literally five minutes before I got this message, I saw a guy and thought to myself that I really need to at least TRY to go on a date (considering I've never been). So I told her hey, why not? This guy messaged me and asked me to coffee or drinks...there's a reason WHY I've never dated in my 23 years. I don't exactly know what that reason is, but I DO know it must be a good one because I've always been too scared to date. It's not that I haven't been asked out, I just bow out at the last second. When I was living in England, the guys considered me a "player" because I would really like a guy, get to know him as friends, and then he'd start liking me romantically. That shut me down, and I would drop them if they even hinted towards romance. I WANTED romance, but at the same time was so frightened about intimacy.

It took me 73 minutes to respond to this guys short little message. I mostly just stared at the screen. I have no idea how to act around guys when they're actually interested in me romantically. When I'm friends with a guy, I brutally honest and myself at all times. I don't care what they think. I'll talk about PMSing and if they can't handle that, then whatever. I think my guys friends appreciate that about me but it isn't exactly something you talk about on a date or in a romantic relationship. And then I had to facebook stalk myself to see what preconceived ideas he'll have about me when we get together.

I ended up purging during this whole affair and afterwards. Oh man, this reminds me of another time I ended up going to a movie with a guy. It was supposed to be a group of six of us but everyone backed out at the last minute. I was so stressed about being alone in the theater with this guy I knew was interested in me, that I ended up bingeing and purging during the entire movie AND afterwards. Painful. Very very painful.

What is it about dating that scares the heck out of me???!

Distractions (not the good kind)

Silence. I'm usually texting a few different friends everyday, but for the past week my phone has been silent. My self-confidence isn't hurt by this, quite the contrary. Social lives ebb and flow depending on what's going on in everyone's lives. It's just weird though, to have this silence. To SIT in the silence. For once, all my close friends are doing great. I'm not helping them sort through whatever mess they've found themselves entangled in.

It's made me realize how much I use other people's problems to distract me from my own. There's so many thoughts and feelings I actually NEED to think through, but I'm doing whatever I can to distract myself because thinking about those feelings is too scary.

There's a confrontation, a long emotionally painful discussion, I've been waiting to have for ten years with someone. It's happening next week. I know I need to sort through my thoughts and feelings before I walk into this, but I can't seem to focus on it long enough. I don't want to feel. 

So, since no one seems to have any pressing matters in need of my opinion and support, I've had to rely on Grey's Anatomy marathons and Facebook stalking to occupy my time.

Sunday. Sunday I'll think about it. 

Post Vacation Update

I haven't wrote a blog for quite a long time. I hate it when so much time has passed and so much has happened. It's a bit overwhelming to tackle all that's happened in a simple post.

I went on a two week vacation! We were in San Diego for five days. My dad spoke at a conference down there. I didn't really have any responsibilities so I just kind of did what I wanted to do, which mostly consisted of laying in a hammock by the pool all day long :) Maybe a Starbucks run here and there too ;)

Then we were in Anaheim for five days. We got four days park hopper passes for Disneyland and California Adventure! My dad was like a little kid there. I think seeing his excitement over every little detail was the best part of the trip. We were going going going every day!!! Constantly moving from 5am to 11pm. I felt bad the first two days because I knew my dad expected me to be able to keep up with them now that I'm in "recovery" and thirty pounds heavier than last year's disastrous failure of a trip to Disney. He finally got it though and I'm thankful for that because I needed him to understand I was pushing myself to the max.

We were in Bend/Sunriver, Oregon for five days too. My cousin got married! I absolutely love her! We are very much alike and we've always had that connection. I was able to get a pedicure and manicure with all the girls (bridesmaids and girl cousins), be at the rehearsal dinner, bachelorette party, brunch, and of course the wedding. It was a little overwhelming though. I mean, for two weeks I was NEVER alone. I kind of had a breakdown after the wedding during the dinner. Never being alone for an introvert who NEEDS alone time to recharge IS BAD NEWS. Needless to say, I loved the trip but am glad I'm home!!

Food during the trip was actually not that big of a problem. I was expecting to freak out and not be able to handle eating out for every meal, but somehow I managed and didn't binge or purge for 16 days!!! woot woot!! The night I had that panic attack at the wedding was the first time over two weeks that I purged.

I'm happy about that beautiful victory. It was a great accomplishment for me, since 6 days behavior free (not inpatient) was my previous record in over two years.

Coming back to the reality of work and normal day life was like taking an ice bath. Shocking. My anxiety came flooding back and the last three days have been filled with bingeing and purging. My throat hurts, I have sores in my mouth- I DID NOT miss it!!! I need to figure this out stat because I don't want to go back to living like this- it's not living at all.

It's Vacay Time!

Friday was my last day of work for two weeks! I'm going on vacation on Monday with my family and I am so incredibly excited. I won't lie, I have loads of anxiety of traveling which is funny because I'm a seasoned traveller. Early monday morning, we're driving eight hours to Oregon, flying to LA, and then driving for San Diego. My dad is speaking at a conference there, so for the first week of vacation, I'll be chilling by the pool doing absolutely nothing. Then we're driving back up to Orange County and spending four days at Disneyland, THE HAPPIEST PLACE IN THE WORLD! Then we're flying back to Oregon and staying at Sunriver Resort for my cousin's wedding. 

My anxiety is about all the things that could go wrong. The car breaking down and missing our flight. Car accident. Plane crashing. I'm disaster conscious, but that's what Xanax is for, right?

I've gone three days with no behaviors which is GREAT! Mentally I'm struggling. I feel so large and wobbly. I'm hyper sensitive to when my skin is touching skin- forearm to bicep, thigh to thigh. Every bump aka curve of my body I'm painfully aware of and to be honest, I really hate it. But I have motivation. I need to be well for this trip and I don't want to be sick. I don't want to purge. I won't even let it be an option in my head. 

I woke up early this morning and made vegan banana muffins which were DELICIOUS. I know my friend Andi has been having a rough time lately and she's been wanting to try this recipe so I dropped by her work and brought her two muffins :) I spent most the day running around doing errands and got to chat with the lovely Kristie for a good long while. I really really love that girl! My grandma came over and in grandma Wilson fashion, bought three different neck pillows for me because she's worried about my neck on the trip (I was in a minor car accident about a month ago). OH YEAH! My 15 year old brother got back from his white water rafting trip in the Grand Canyon. I swear he got bigger on this trip. He's growing up and it's so weird sometimes. He got me a bracelet in AZ which I love. He was so cute- he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him today so we ended up watching John Carter tonight. Brother-sister bonding time!

Anyways, I better go to bed but I just wanted to update all of you lovely people on my life. I've been meaning to blog more often, so I'll be trying to keep this blog updated. I'll prob make a YT vid tomorrow too because there's some things I've been wanting to talk about and sometimes it's so much better on video rather than written form.

I just want to be OK

Things got worse after I wrote my last blog in the wee hours of Sunday morning. I was feeling better by then, after sipping on gatorade all night and eating a couple bananas and PB. I had stomach cramps though so I went to the bathroom. TMI: It was as if I took 30 laxatives. I had horrible diarrhea and what hydration I had gained throughout the night I lost. After that, I was so dizzy I had to crawl. The world was spinning, my hands were cramping, heart was pounding, and I was shaking uncontrollably. My dad was heading out the door to get ready to preach, and he could tell something was wrong. VERY VERY WRONG. He made me drink 48oz of gatorade and eat a banana and PB. I scared my dad. Happy Father's Day. He got my mom out of bed and we called my dietician Viv. She said go to the ER immediately.

I didn't want to go to the ER. I don't have the money for it. When I got there though, it was the weirdest thing ever- no one was at the front desk and the only people in sight was a security guard and a woman vacuuming. I filled out the paperwork I found on the desk and waited. My courage was waning. Maybe this is a sign. I started feeling a bit better. I think the gatorade was kicking in. I called Viv and told her so and told her I don't want to pay for an ER visit. I convinced her an urgent care visit would suffice. In the end I didn't even do that. I should have, but I didn't. I drank more gatorade, coconut water, and electrolyte water all day long. My hands stopped cramping by noon. I was still dizzy for the rest of the day though. I know I was rolling the dice on this one. Things could have gone terribly wrong. I'm lucky.


I had a good session with my therapist Monique today. When I say good, I mean tears, snot, mascara running down my face kind of good. I had a breakthrough I'm not really ready to talk about yet. I'm just hoping that maybe things will change. Maybe this breakthrough will help me stop because I'm so sick and tired of it. I'm done. I am SO DONE.


As the lovely Ingrid sings, "I just want to be ok, be ok today."


I'm going to go treat my body with kindness now, even though that's exactly the opposite of what I want to do. I'm trying though, and that's got to count for something right?

A Bad Night of My Own Making

I made poor choices. I thought I could ignore it. I thought I could pretend it never happened, but my body and God won't let me. For good reason.

I've been quite depressed the past two weeks. Starting my period a week ago explains a lot of it. I mean, if a person tends to be depressed already, having a period and all those crazy hormones really amplifies it. Some days it seemed unbearable. I was doing so well, being completely behavior free for four or five days at a time, maybe having behaviors for a day or two, and then another four or five days of no behaviors. I was proud of myself. This was a great victory. But with the whole PMS thing, I was thrown off my game. I've been having behaviors EVERY DAY. I started restricting again too.

So then there was yesterday. I binged and purged twice in the morning. Poor decision #1. I didn't take my meds. Poor decision #2. I literally drank no water yesterday except to purge. Poor decision #3. However, I did drink two cups of coffee and three glasses of wine. Really hydrating, I know. Poor decision #4.

I did have a GREAT time last night with my friends at Andi's house celebrating her birthday. I really did have a good time. It was the choices I made before and after that weren't so great. On my way home, I felt so full, it was distracting my driving. I pulled over into a nice neighborhood with manicured lawns and expensive cars in the driveways. I purged in one of these lawns, intending to at least find a bush. Sadly enough, some people are going to wake up today to find vomit in their front yard. Happy Father's Day. Yes, this is disgusting. Yes, I feel horrible about the whole thing. Bad decision #5.

I got home and felt weird. I knew it was time to do some damage control. I ate a banana and drank a glass of G2 and another glass of electrolyte water. Good decision #1. It was past midnight by the time I fell asleep. I woke up at 2am and knew something was wrong. I felt weird. Bad weird. I checked my heart rate and it was slow. Too slow. Two beats, a big pause, and two more beats. I panicked which always makes things worse. I felt so wrong, so wrong.

I don't know how many glasses of electrolyte water I've had throughout the night, maybe five or six. I just kept drinking water and calming myself as much as possible. My heart beat strengthened. A few times, my acid reflux was bad and I felt like it was crawling up my throat, choking me. I was too scared to fall asleep. It's 5am and I have church in a few hours. I still feel funny- dizzy, vibrating like I took too much seroquel (I didn't take any btw)....so so dizzy. I don't feel hungry at all but I'm going to go downstairs and eat something.

Why am I sharing all of this? Because I am scared. I want you all to know the REALITY of an eating disorder. The TRUTH. My blog is titled, "The Unglamorous World of Ed" for a reason. I won't be glamorizing eating disorders here, because there's nothing glamorous about it.

I need to get out of this rut. I need healing. I feel like I want to give up, like it'll never change, like I'm going to die from this Ed. BUT I REFUSE. I can't give up because God has so much planned for my life. I have things to do, people to love. Jesus, help me. I need your help. I NEED YOU.

Drugged Rant

Before I begin, I apologize this will be a slightly ambien induced entry.

How have I been? Down. I hate my body. It bulges, bumps into things, my thighs seem glued together more often than not. My stomach is flabby. To further complicate matters, my doctor thought I should stop taking Minocycline, which is an antibiotic for skin breakouts. I've been on it for five years. So off it, I thought I was doing ok. Apparently not. This week my face has sprouted several new pimples, deep ones, colorful ones.

I feel hideous. My body is disgusting. My face is not attractive in the least. I hate myself. I've isolated. Stayed in my room instead of going to parties I'm supposed to be at. I feel guilty for not being there...but the fear of being seen like THIS, this ugliness? I can't. Not only that but these social events involve food and that's something I really should NOT be around.

My relationship with food is so fucked up. I don't know what to think about it really. I was doing better. I go five or six days with no behaviors, and then have a day or two of behaviors...but I saw this number on the scale this week. It's a number I've not seen in years. It's too much. I can't handle this number, being this number.

Answer to this dilemma? Restrict. Accidental binges. Purge. Repeat.

I don't want to go back to the cycle. I don't want it. But I do because it'll help a bit. It'll help me breathe again.

I'm truly drugged. Ignore this post as me on drugs is probably not a good idea when mixed with confusing thoughts

People Pleasing and Identity

I find myself in this place again, hovering between being okay and not okay. Some days are great. I feel positive, loved, behavior-free, and it's beautiful. Other days I feel as if I'm lying on the bottom of the ocean floor, being crushed by the depth and darkness I find myself in. What I would give to not have these extreme highs and lows. Every word people say, every facial expression and every tone in their voice has me under a spell. People pleasing- that's what they call it- when your self worth is dependent on what other people think of you. How unreliable. People have differing opinions that also seem to change with the weather. In other words, I'm setting myself up for failure. I can't please everyone. I can't make everyone happy. Because everyone wants something different from me and they more often than not conflict with each other.

So what is the answer? Find who I am, who I want to be- no apologies? Is it weird that I find this concept terribly inconsiderate of other people and their needs?

Can I be more confusing??? I will ponder.

Three years ago...

...today my brother Tyler passed away after complications from his fifth open heart surgery. It was unexpected. During surgery there was so much scar tissue, his heart ripped causing air to travel to the brain, resulting in global brain damage. The surgery didn't work. My brother was brain dead. His organs were shutting down. It was only a matter of time. I was going to school in England at the time. My mom called a week after his surgery, once it was obvious he wasn't going to make it, asking me to come home. 24 hours of straight traveling, I got to the hospital and was there for the next 36 hours. He was gone. His eyes were blank and most of his body paralyzed. His personality, his ability to breath with life support, everything was gone.

I was there when we took him off of life support. It was hard to watch my 17 year old brother struggle for breath and die. Traumatic actually. I had flashbacks at the most inconvenient times for months after. I remember having to watch my dad tell my little brother Micah, 12 years old at the time, Tyler was going to die. My heart broke. Over and over and over again, it broke.

Tyler and I were close, with only 2 1/2 years separating us in age. The last few years of his life, we became more than annoying siblings to each other. We became friends. Confidants. He told me everything. He asked my advice on everything. When I say everything, I mean everything. We talked about everything from dating to porn to God. We talked about death. We talked about love. We talked a lot.

My favorite memories are when him and I would escape our house and go to Borders bookstore. He'd read computer animation/code books and I'd read fantasy/sci fi novel. We'd split a cheese stuffed asiago pretzel. He'd get orange cream soda and I'd get Tazo peach iced tea.

He looked up to me. He loved me. He'd get this look in his eyes that said he was proud of me. It meant the world to me.

I didn't think I was going to cry about it today, but I've found myself unable to stop crying for the past two hours. Some wounds don't heal. Some wounds till open from time to time.

I miss you Tyler. I'll see you again one day. This is not our farewell.

Confused

I've had a bad stomach bug for the last few days. My stomach was incredibly distended, stabbing stomach pains, diarrhea, and toxic gas- yes, TMI but there you have it. 

A lot has been on my mind lately about nutrition and weight. I feel so confused. There's all this conflicting information out there on how we should be eating, exercising, what we should weigh, etc. I'm not sure what to believe. Everyone makes good points. There's the whole general opinion that we are in the middle of an obesity crisis and people need to lose weight. Then there's other opinions I've been reading and hearing saying it's dieting that's the problem, not obesity. We should eat these foods, not those foods. Exercise but not too much. 

I am so confused right now! I just want a clearcut answer- what should I eat? How much should I exercise? What really is my ideal body weight? Who's right and who is wrong? 

Body Hate

The last few days have been a challenge for me. I've been filled with so much self-hatred for my body. I just hate the way I look right now. Too heavy too heavy. These are the thoughts running through my head. It's difficult to not drown in them. The only thing keeping me from sinking to the bottom is the small voice telling me going back to ed isn't worth it.

My parents don't know how to support me right now. My mom knows something is wrong, even though I haven't said much of anything. Today she said she wishes she could make things easier for me. Me too.

Part of my struggle is seeing a number I never even saw after I had been at Remuda for three months. I haven't seen this number for two years. I was at this weight when my parents noticed my relapse and intervened, and made me see my doctor and a therapist. So many memories from that time...my Ed was working for me at that time. I didn't think it was a bad thing at the time. The negative side of the eating disorder seemed manageable and the gain seemed worth it. I wanted my Ed then. It worked for me.

I feel unhappy. Recovery seems miserable. My eating disorder IS miserable. I suppose it feels like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

The Quiet Before the Storm

This weekend has been amazing. I had two whole days of no bingeing or purging or restricting. My emotions have done their crazy roller coaster thing like I expected. It's been wonderful though. I mean, I can handle the overwhelming emotions- I've learned how to deal with it. It's the eating disorder I can't stand and it hasn't controlled my actions for two days!

I was sitting out on the porch this evening. It was so quiet and peaceful. It smelled like rain, though it hasn't rained yet. It will though. A storm is coming. This weekend has been that quiet before the storm. I know I struggle most during the work week. I'm under a lot more pressure and stress to perform well, make everyone happy, not step on any toes, be productive, pay bills, be social...It's when I'm weakest.

Battle plan?
- plan to eat food every few hours.
- bring my own food. Don't eat work food. BAD IDEA.
- take anxiety meds when I need them. I hate taking meds and rarely use them but they actually do help.
- text or call someone safe when I'm feeling like I'm going to engage in ED behaviors.

So, I'm going into this next week reluctantly. I'll fight. I just wish the war was already won.

Not A Great Week

I'm sorry I haven't been around much. Things have been difficult for me lately. I had a really tough week for so many reasons. Family drama I can't really go into detail about has made things at home rather tense. Then, I slept through FOUR ALARMS and was late for my opening shift, in which I'm the only person there who knows how to do my job! The girl who had my position previously was fired because she kept not showing up and sleeping in for her early morning shift. I got in trouble with my boss which felt like the world was ending. I hate getting in trouble. I also found out about some rumors going on about me, about me being late for my Thursday shifts and showing up at 9am instead of 8:30am. This really pissed me off. I looked at the time clock for the past TWO MONTHS and was almost always a few minutes early on Thursdays, except two occasions in which I arrived at 8:31am. Really. One minute late.  NOT A HALF HOUR.

Then I was on my way to the gym after getting off of work early on Thursday, when I got into a car accident. It wasn't anything terrible but it really shook me up. It was my fault too. Thankfully no one was hurt. My neck has been sore and I think I had a mild concussion (I banged my head on the steering wheel and earlier that day when I ran into a door at running speed...yep). I went to the gym anyway and thought I was ok to work out, but my head was hurting so bad and my chest was hurting, probably from the anxiety. I checked my pulse and my heart was skipping beats, which isn't good. I was SO ANGRY I didn't get to work out!

My eating disorder has gotten out of hand recently too. I've been purging multiple times a day. I've been good about replacing those calories and I haven't really lost weight, but this purging is a big problem. I just want to be done with this eating disorder so I can move on. At the same time, there's so many things I need to do that every responsible adult must do, that I feel overwhelmed. I feel as though I can't do it. It's too much. Cue eating disorder.

So I'm doing another three day no behaviors goal before I can run again. It's good motivation for me and I really shouldn't be exercising so much when I'm purging so frequently. Today is day one and let me tell you, the first few days of using no ED behavior is like coming off of drugs. It's miserable. I hate my body. Ed is so loud in my head, I can barely distinguish my voice from his voice. I just have to get through these first few days and then it gets easier. I have to believe that, because if I don't I think I might go crazy. Maybe you think I'm joking, but I'm not. Recovering from an eating disorder is not easy. People who have been through this don't get enough credit. I applaud all those who have gone before me on the road of recovery, are on it now, or are gaining the courage to begin the long trek. It's a worthwhile fight.

So please think of me these next few days. It's going to be hard. And most definitely, not a walk in the park.

Favorite Food Questions (Take from "Life Without Anorexia"

Name 5 foods that you can't live without:
 apples, sweet potatoes, beets, bananas, spinach

Name 5 foods that you eat everyday:
apples, raisin bran cereal, bananas, avocados, dave's killer bread

5 favorite sweets:
soy ice cream, sorbet, dark chocolate, ginger chews, vegan banana muffins

Favourite ice-cream:
vanilla with caramel, or mint

What i order in a restaurant:
 Depends! I love this vegan restaurant that always has something delicious to offer. I love soups and salads, and tofu dishes

What i cook if i have guests:
 Starter - salad, soup
Main: chickpea quinoa pilaf with vegan sausage
Dessert: sorbet with fresh fruit

Something you eat/drink now that you never thought you'd like
mushrooms, kombucha, sweet potatoes, bananas

Which meal do you like best?:
BREAKFAST!

Time Goes Away

I had the day off so I took full advantage of the free time. I slept in a bit, had a really great workout at the gym, cleaned the kitchen, did several loads of laundry, watched a documentary (Forks Over Knives which I strongly recommend!)...Too much time spent in the house though. I needed to get out. Former coworkers at Starbucks have been on me for not coming in to visit in a long time, so I grabbed my laptop and thought I'd hang out at my old place of employment for a bit. Of course, out of five people working I only knew one person, and not very well. Still, I got an iced venti passion tea and pulled out my laptop to find myself here.

I've been in such a reflective mood lately. Yesterday marked one year from when I was admitted at Remuda Ranch for anorexia. I can't explain the feelings I felt yesterday when I realized it had been a year to the day...anxious for some reason. It's not that I miss being sick, I don't. I looked through old pictures and no...I don't miss it. 

But I do miss the people I met down in treatment. I miss the safety, the separation from real life, the break from reality. I miss the bubble, because real life is scary and hard and unpredictable. I cherish the three months I had down in Arizona because I grew as a person. I learned things about myself I didn't know before. I made friends I love so deeply, it hurts. I try to explain to my friends and the people I love what it was like down in treatment, but they don't get it. They don't understand what a profound impact it had on me. Or maybe they see it, but they just can't feel it with me.

Even being in my old Starbucks, with strangers working a bar I took care of and loved...it feels strange. This is not my home anymore. Neither is Arizona. I don't belong in either place. I suppose I'm in mourning of a time in my life I'll never experience again. Time...is a strange strange thing.

Reminds me of a beautiful song by Rosie Thomas. I listened to it often before my sister got married. When I listened to this song, I was mourning the loss of my sister. Yes, she wasn't leaving this world, but she was leaving my world. I felt as though the foundation of the earth was torn beneath me when she married. I suppose that sounds a little dramatic but it's how I felt at the time. 

I suppose this all reminds me to cherish the past, be optimistic for the future, and live in the present...because we will never LIVE it again.

How do we make these moments last?
How do we get them to stay? 
When everything passes and time goes away

Time Goes Away by Rosie Thomas