Saturday, December 31, 2011

Ed's even with you at the movies- Dec 29, 2011

I worked an early shift again today and was at work at 5pm. It was just the right amount of busy. But today I kept getting SO IRRITATED with patients! I mean, seriously. At first, I thought it was probably the patient, but once I realized this was becoming a reoccurring theme for the day, I figured it was probably me. Most likely a combination of little sleep and malnutrition because lets face it- I’ve been treating my body like shit since October. It didn’t really recovery from my last bout of anorexia before treatment. Yeah, I gained about 25 pounds in three months of treatment, but I never made it to my ideal goal weight. And i don’t think three months of proper nutrition can really fully fix the damage done of an intense year of relapse.

Today was the first purge free day in I don’t know HOW long. The key for me to get back on track seems to be doing a liquid only diet for about a week or so and increase the calorie intake. Then gradually reintroduce solid foods. The only problem with this “reset recovery button” of sorts is the increase of calories in liquid form and of course, the switch to solid foods.

Gosh, why does this have to be so COMPLICATED?! I’ll take today’s success though ;) I have a doctors appointment next week so I better shape up by then. Seriously.

After work, I had an unplanned starbucks drink while waiting for my mom to finish her scavenging at a bulk bead sale since she was my ride. She’s really into serious beading and sometimes sells some of her stuff. Despite anxiety about unplanned calories consumed, I managed to enjoy sitting there in that little sbux.

I went to see the new Mission Impossible movie with my friend Rissa at the theaters and it was so much fun! What bothered me though was no matter where I went this afternoon, I couldn’t completely separate myself from the eating disorder. The overwhelming smell of buttered popcorn, a girl I run into in the bathroom who is pretty damn thin, wondering if someone is purging while I’m in the massive bathroom as well. Having to recount calories spent on my iPhone during the movie, and recounting again in case I did it wrong the first time….

….This disorder takes SO MUCH ENERGY, which is part of the reason we like it- it gives our minds something to focus on instead of the scary shit we’re trying to forget.

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