Saturday, December 31, 2011

Hopeless? - Dec 26, 2011

I’ll be honest. I’m not doing good, and I’m freaking out about it. This isn’t supposed to happen!!! I’m supposed to be in recovery, starting to live life again. Yes, bumps in the road were expected but not this.

And I can’t stop. I’m trying and trying but I can’t. I used to have these dreams where something crazy would be happening and all of a sudden I couldn’t open my eyes. It was like they were glued shut. My brain would tell them to OPEN but they wouldn’t, all the while there’s something big happening around me and I’m in danger.

That’s how I feel. I’m telling my eating disorder to STOP IT, for my eyes to open and I can avoid the danger surrounding me, but I can’t. No matter how loud I scream and shout and think, I can’t open my eyes. Danger is inevitable. It’s just a matter of when.

I’m scared I’m going to lose my job. I’m scared I’m going to have to be hospitalized. I’m scared I’m going to die like this. God, please please please help me. What do I do? I feel like I can’t stop it.

All the while, my mom only opens her mouth to tell me to do something. Otherwise she’s silent- not expressing anything but disapproval. She’s sad. She’s crushed. And it’s 99.9% my eating disorders fault. I know she blames me. I know my parents think I can choose to not do behaviors, but I’m at the point where it’s not even a choice anymore. For a time, yes, I had enough of my mind to where I could choose to say no, but I’m past that. Again.

Sorry for being depressing. Sorry for being so hopeless. But I haven’t voiced these thoughts. I haven’t even put words to them till now. What do I do? I’m seeing my dietician tomorrow so maybe she can help me. I don’t know how, but maybe she can give me a little hope I can hold onto.

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