I intend to keep this short. Bed is calling my name. It's been a busy day. Work was hectic and I didn't get half the things done I wanted to get done. I went straight from work to Ryan's house, changed, and helped him load a desk he is giving to my brother into his truck with my big man muscles.
We went straight from there to Olive Garden, meeting Ryan's mom and Grammie for dinner. I've been fretting over this all day. Should I get the low calorie soup- minestrone 100 cals? Or the soup I want- chicken and gnocchi 250 cals? A breadstick 150 cals? I ended up feeling guilty after I told Ryan what I had eaten for the day (400cals). We really were soooo busy at work, I barely had time to eat. Still...
I ended up having a whole fucking plate of angel hair pasta in ALFREDO sauce. I was only planning on having a little of it but I guess I really was hungry because I felt as though I couldn't stop myself. Cue purging. I didn't purge, mind you. But after I finished it, I regretted it instantly and everything in me wanted it OUT. I was no longer paying attention to the conversation. Instead, I was listing pros and cons in my head of purging. I'd break my nine month purge free streak...but I'd feel better in the moment...anyways, I decided not to purge mostly because I stalled myself long enough that I was finally able to convince myself I probably absorbed most the calories anyways.
In the end, I had a normal calorie amount (2000 calories). Just wish it wasn't mostly all in one sitting.
Now I'm all melancholy and hating myself. Eating disorders suck. They make simple things complicated. Part of me thrives on it. A bigger part of me is dying every time I give in to it. I want it but I hate it. I fight it, but embrace it.
Ryan always says I'm a conundrum. I'm all or nothing. Everything is black and white with me. Lately it's been more black than white though. Isn't this supposed to be the happiest time of my life? Aren't I supposed to be immersed in wedding planning and so fucking joyful, it makes people want to throw up? (haha no pun intended)
Great to see you blogging again you have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that you are doing well you are my inspiriation to keep fighting ED. I know how hard it is to fight the urge to purge I am so proud you stayed strong keep fighting !!
ReplyDeleteAbout a year ago I found your blog and I went through from the start and have been following your journey. As someone who is struggling and has had many relapses in my journey towards recovery, I have found your story and your blog so inspiring. So thank you from the bottom of my heart!
ReplyDeleteI just want to say it's ok to struggle and it's ok to have bad days. The prospect of a wedding and marriage is wonderful and beautiful, but it is also stressful and a big big change. Try to remember that even girls who don't struggle with an eating disorder still find the lead up to their wedding stressful and a time of mixed emotions. It's ok and it's normal :) Big hugs lovely lady. Sending prayers and best wishes your way. I only hope one day to be able to let a guy in and be so far in recovery as you are. xxxx
Eating disorders (thoughts aswell as behaviours) are coping mechanisms. You've got a massive event coming up in your life. It is stressful and it is going to be really hard to keep fighting the ED. It is also a time when potentially size is being shoved in your face with dress fittings and photos.
ReplyDeleteThis ED has ruled your life, in the last year whilst you've been healthier you've fallen in love. The wedding is stressful (for any bride!) try to focus on the positives (love, marriage, commitment) and not let the ED sneak back in and cloud your memories. I'm not suggesting you can just make it go away but if you act on it it will only become more prominent and you'll end up in a 3-way relationship with ED and Ryan and you don't want that hovering over you during your wedding and the beginning of your new life together.
Can you go to group or something again? The next 2 months are going to be hard and a place to vent without any guilt (other than online) sounds like it would be really good. xxx
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