I intend to keep this short. Bed is calling my name. It's been a busy day. Work was hectic and I didn't get half the things done I wanted to get done. I went straight from work to Ryan's house, changed, and helped him load a desk he is giving to my brother into his truck with my big man muscles.
We went straight from there to Olive Garden, meeting Ryan's mom and Grammie for dinner. I've been fretting over this all day. Should I get the low calorie soup- minestrone 100 cals? Or the soup I want- chicken and gnocchi 250 cals? A breadstick 150 cals? I ended up feeling guilty after I told Ryan what I had eaten for the day (400cals). We really were soooo busy at work, I barely had time to eat. Still...
I ended up having a whole fucking plate of angel hair pasta in ALFREDO sauce. I was only planning on having a little of it but I guess I really was hungry because I felt as though I couldn't stop myself. Cue purging. I didn't purge, mind you. But after I finished it, I regretted it instantly and everything in me wanted it OUT. I was no longer paying attention to the conversation. Instead, I was listing pros and cons in my head of purging. I'd break my nine month purge free streak...but I'd feel better in the moment...anyways, I decided not to purge mostly because I stalled myself long enough that I was finally able to convince myself I probably absorbed most the calories anyways.
In the end, I had a normal calorie amount (2000 calories). Just wish it wasn't mostly all in one sitting.
Now I'm all melancholy and hating myself. Eating disorders suck. They make simple things complicated. Part of me thrives on it. A bigger part of me is dying every time I give in to it. I want it but I hate it. I fight it, but embrace it.
Ryan always says I'm a conundrum. I'm all or nothing. Everything is black and white with me. Lately it's been more black than white though. Isn't this supposed to be the happiest time of my life? Aren't I supposed to be immersed in wedding planning and so fucking joyful, it makes people want to throw up? (haha no pun intended)