After a long absence from this blog, I am hesitant to return. Especially because I'm not in the greatest mind space at the moment.
This pressure has been building up inside of me, this growing hate for my body. In the past year, I've made leaps and bounds in my recovery. I haven't purged in over nine months. I have eaten quite normally. I've also gained 25 pounds. I've gained nearly 50 pounds from my lowest weight. As I've become more behavior free, I've slowly been adding on the pounds. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't think I should weigh this much. I hate my body right now.
Hate is a strong word but I mean it. I know logically I shouldn't hate it. But this pent up hatred is overwhelming. It consumes me. I try to ignore it and distract myself. I can't though. And I can't talk to anyone about it. I don't want their comforting words because to me, it's all lies. I just want the weight gone. I want it gone NOW.
I realize what a dangerous place I'm in right now. I haven't acted on these thoughts and feelings yet. I've been holding back because honestly, I don't want my eating disorder in my life again. But something has got to give. I've got to do SOMETHING to relieve the pressure that's building up to unbearable levels.
I just don't know what to do though, besides the obvious giving into behaviors. I'm getting married in 35 days and I've got my bachelorette party and bridal shower in a week. There will be so much food involved in the upcoming celebrations, not only for my wedding, but for one of my bridesmaids that is also getting married. I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it. I want to drown my sorrows in I know not what. Something. Something, or I will break.