Saturday, September 7, 2013

Body Hate

After a long absence from this blog, I am hesitant to return. Especially because I'm not in the greatest mind space at the moment.

This pressure has been building up inside of me, this growing hate for my body. In the past year, I've made leaps and bounds in my recovery. I haven't purged in over nine months. I have eaten quite normally. I've also gained 25 pounds. I've gained nearly 50 pounds from my lowest weight. As I've become more behavior free, I've slowly been adding on the pounds. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't think I should weigh this much. I hate my body right now.

Hate is a strong word but I mean it. I know logically I shouldn't hate it. But this pent up hatred is overwhelming. It consumes me. I try to ignore it and distract myself. I can't though. And I can't talk to anyone about it. I don't want their comforting words because to me, it's all lies. I just want the weight gone. I want it gone NOW.

I realize what a dangerous place I'm in right now. I haven't acted on these thoughts and feelings yet. I've been holding back because honestly, I don't want my eating disorder in my life again. But something has got to give. I've got to do SOMETHING to relieve the pressure that's building up to unbearable levels.

I just don't know what to do though, besides the obvious giving into behaviors. I'm getting married in 35 days and I've got my bachelorette party and bridal shower in a week. There will be so much food involved in the upcoming celebrations, not only for my wedding, but for one of my bridesmaids that is also getting married. I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it. I want to drown my sorrows in I know not what. Something. Something, or I will break.


  1. It breaks my heart to see how much you are struggeling :(

    Maybe your metabolism has suffered so much, so that you gained more that you would normally have to be at a healthy weight. I read it´s normal for some people to gain some more and then slowly lose some of it when their bodies are completely recovered.
    You did NOTHING wrong dooing what was necessary for you to survive.
    Try to hold on a little longer, day by day, there IS something out there that will help, keep trying to find out why you feel like this and what you can do about it that isnt destructive.
    Which alternatives to behaviours did you try to release the buildind hate/pressure ? .
    Have you ever tried (guided) meditation ? For me it helped a lot to release feelings that i tried to numb trough bahaviours before.

    Sorry that i sound so stupid i just want to help you, you are so lovely and you give so much people hope and you are stronger than this, it´s not your life´s purpose to be in a cycle of destruction and selfe-hatred, you are someone special and you could do anything you are dreaming of if you keep fighting.
    The voice isn´t right it wants you to die.
    I send you all strenght and hope i can, please don´t give up

    1. I´m NOT saying you LOOK like you gained too much, please don´t misunderstand, thats just what you said you feel like. And what i meant by "more that you would normally have to be at a healthy weight" was that you may think you gained "too much" because you´re not at the lowest healthy weight possible. just to avoid misunderstandings.

  2. Aw Dani. The thing that really rings alarm bells for me it when you say yet. It sounds like you already think you're going to have behaviours sometime in the future when you say yet.

    That pressure building up is Anorexia hanging on for it's life. My suggestion is go back to your nutritionist and get a meal plan that is healthy and balanced and stick to it for a little while. You must be in charge of what food is at the wedding and party, so you can plan in advance what you'll have so that you don't feel so bad.

    For me personally, even though I haven't had any behaviours for months, not having a meal plan is anxiety provoking. Sometimes returning to it for a while can be helpful and it doesn't mean you've failed. I've failed and recovery so many times and I continue to fail better until I no longer fail.

    I hope something I said could help.

    One last thing. Go and write a list of 100 things that you will lose if you relapse. Stick it on your mirror and don't let that bitch ed win.

  3. Also the trouble with thinking you shouldn't weigh as much as you do is you have an eating disorder, so you think you shouldn't weigh anything!

    I love you and I believe in you and I think you really can recover.