Sunday, November 10, 2013

Purge.

I never know when I'm going to find myself writing on this blog again. God knows I've had plenty of opportunities and things to talk about. However, I'm finding it easier and easier to keep my thoughts in my head where they might fester. It feels safer like that. Less real maybe. If I write what I'm really thinking or feeling here or via YouTube, it suddenly manifests itself as reality and who wants to face that?

Ignore my ramblings, my friends, or whoever finds their way to my  blog. I've had a rough weekend, and it really shouldn't of been. I went to a friend's bachelorette party. It was just the four bridesmaids and the bride, staying the night in a double queen deluxe room at a notoriously fancy and distinguished hotel. We went to the The Lounge to sip a glass of wine during happy hour. Awkward silence gave way to polite conversation, and eventually truly enjoyable banter. One bridesmaid had just gotten back from living in the mountains of Colorado, working with wolves which was fascinating to me (I might have a slight obsession with wolves). 

We went to a pub-like restaurant and we were all feeling comfortable with each other at this point. I decided to treat myself and get something I've not had for years- a cheeseburger with sweet potato fries and a mixed drink cocktail- huckleberry mint. I was happy, I really was...but I waffled down my food like I had never tasted anything so delectable before. Those familiar feelings of panic and overwhelming FULLNESS, equating to fatness, took over. I felt as though I might throw up- no, I WANTED to. Anything to not feel like this.

I excused myself to the bathroom and leaned over the toilet. At first, that's all it took to get some food out. I was naturally throwing up, right? I fooled myself. I was trying to purge. But everything wouldn't come up with such little help, especially after abstaining from purging for over 11 months. I committed to it, letting the panic control my actions. Just a finger for just a second, it didn't take much. And then I couldn't stop. I had to get it all, now. Out out out, leave me please. I can't handle you, food. You're too much. I'm too much.

I sat back down with the other girls. Guilt. What had I done? I had been holding out for so long so I could say I've been purge free for a whole year. Why did I give up on a whim, one month from my goal?

Self hatred is hard to hide from. I knew I'd have to tell my husband. We're a team now and we don't keep secrets. I wouldn't do that to him. I asked him to pick me up in an hour. I guess he knew something was up. 

We went back to our hotel room. We had champagne and talked about sex. I gave my advice as well as the only other married woman present. I downed a few glasses which normally would have just made me tipsy. Maybe being dehydrated and empty of food did a number on me. I found myself having an out of body experience only someone highly intoxicated can relate to. I couldn't walk straight. I found myself saying odd drunken thoughts out loud and most likely sharing way too much information. My bride friend walked me down when Ryan arrived, with what I later realized was a concerned look. 

I got in his car and from that moment on, felt and probably acted hysterical. I confessed I'd purged. I just cried and cried, asking if he still loved me, saying I was sorry over and over again.

I woke up this morning with a headache and incredibly sore throat. Ouch. 

Where do I go from here? It hurts to think about it. I hate myself for messing up. I've berated myself all day, and most likely for the rest of the week. I don't want to go back to purging, and I don't think I will. I'm just sad I let it back in, even if just for a night.

18 comments:

  1. *Big, big hugs* I know this probably doesn't help but we all have slip ups, none of us are perfect and that's what makes us human I guess. It's so hard I know to accept these slip ups for what they are, and not let them send us into that spiralling dark place, especially when you're working towards a goal. But try and think of it this way, you went without purging for eleven months, ELEVEN whole months. That is AMAZING! I bet there has been so many times in the past that you'd never have believed that you could go eleven months without purging, and you did it. You have been strong for so, so long, especially during such stressful times in your life. I know its so hard, but please try not to let this set you back, you are a amazing woman and try not to think of today as day one again, but more as just the next day on your journey with it's up and downs. Like I said, I know none of this probably helps at all, but I just wanted to let you know that you are such a strong and inspirational person and that this does not change that in the slightest. Try and be kind to yourself and take care xx

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  2. Remember way back when you couldn't go three days without purging? And in order to finally go three days, you needed to swap binging for restricting, an equally destructive behavior? You have come SO FAR since those days and you are only human. What you need to do now is to FORGIVE yourself for messing up and get right back on the wagon NOW. You are at a crucial turning point - one that I have been at so many times in recovery. You messed up and gave into a behavior. You feel like a failure and think that you might as well continue having behaviors because you obviously are not strong enough to be perfect. And that is how a relapse starts. What you need to do is RECOGNIZE that you are not perfect and are not expected to be perfect, LOVE yourself anyway and realize that your husband, your family, and your friends love you as you are now, regardless of how 'perfect' you are, ASK for help from your amazing support network and from Jesus through prayer, and just keep moving forward in recovery. It was one night. You have the strength to get through this and everyone believes in you. The only thing stopping you is you.

    Side note: I know you are still a bit scared about your new marriage and pleasing Ryan. I am also relatively newly married, and it helps to remind myself of this every once and a while to keep my insecurities at bay - Ryan chose YOU out of every woman on earth. He decided that YOU are who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He chose to marry YOU as you are NOW, not as you could become in the future. The only person unsure of his feelings for you is YOU. He is quite sure. That is how guys are. What you need to continue to work on now is understanding that you do not need to do anything to deserve or earn his love. You just need to continuing being you, and continuing to fight for your life - because you ARE fighting for your life with this eating disorder, no matter how far you are in recovery.

    Hope this helps even a little bit. I have been following your journey for a while now and it would be absolutely devastating for me to see you relapse. Please, please fight hard against it sweetie.

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  3. Hi! I'm a new reader and totally new to talking about my own ED, but I wanted to let you know that you seem like you have worked SO hard and that you just can't let one bad night defeat you. It doesn't mean that you haven't made progress. (I have to count the hours, not days or even months, since my last purge). Even though you had such a terrible night, your post gave me hope. You made it through 11 months and that gives me hope. Please don't give up or beat yourself up for this.

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  4. don't hate yourself girl, we're with you and recovery it's really not easy, relapses happen.But I'm so proud of you, because you are beeing so strong for all this time, please don't let this night fool you into think you failled .xx

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  5. I too had a similar situation. After not purging for months, I finally had something test me. I remember the purge after abstaining from it for a long time...it sucks... it HURTS... And it feels worse than it ever did. I drank to try and numb the throbbing headache I had gotten only to make things worse. I was empty, dehydrated, and had a terrible case of the spins. I was afraid to go to sleep for fear of not waking up. I hadn't felt that way in years before I got desperate enough to go inpatient (at Remuda). But I didn't want to throw up again so I had to surrender to the rest my body needs. I had to tell my boyfriend and feared that he wouldn't want to be with me. But he told me to rephrase what I was thinking. Instead of saying," I went 11 months without purging, gave in, and now I have to start counting all over again. I failed." he told me to think of it like this: "I went 11 months, purge free. And I can still keep counting the months. Then when it's a year, I can say that I only had ONE slip. I didn't give in and fall back." That made all the difference. So keep going strong, lady!

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  6. Hey I had a similar experience today. Then I found this TED talk on self compassion and it literally saved me from myself. I am just trying it out for the first time, and if feels terribly foreign and uncomfortable... but giving yourself the same care and support as you would a good friend can really help. I feel crazy saying this because I have never been compassionate to myself... ever. But I think it's about time I tried. And it sounds like you could use some too :) I hope this helps is some way and that you take care of yourself Rae <3
    Also, just want you to know, your blog and channel on youtube are what inspired me to pursue my recovery. And I am so thankful that you have been brave enough to share your story and the realities of your everyday life!
    Here's the video >> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4

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  7. You start over again. 11 months is an amazing long time to not purge. This time you'll make your year goal. It's the worst part of dealing with a chronic condition - it's always there, and when you screw up, you still have to deal with the condition. The part of your story that most concerns me is your reaction to Ryan. Ryan didn't marry you because you hadn't purged for 9 months (at the time of your wedding). Ryan didn't start loving you when or because you stopped purging. So falling back into behaviors isn't going to make Ryan stop loving you. I'm sure it is hard for him because he doesn't understand how to make you understand that you're beautiful and wonderful just as you are, and I'm sure he doesn't want you feel bad. We all make mistakes. You purged. Eh. Whatever. So you purged one in 11 months? That's AMAZING. You haven't purged for four days? Also amazing. You're amazing. KEEP FIGHTING!

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  8. Hey dear. I just want to remind you that a slip up is not a relapse and a relapse is not the end. It is ok to have times of weakness and it is part of the process. It is only through these slip ups that we learn and become stronger in the future. You CAN stay on the path of recovery, look at this as a sign that you need to work on some things. You will come out of this more prepared and better equipped for future situations.

    I believe in you. God will help you through this! Stay strong.

    Peace & Blessings,

    Rachel

    http://nourish-mbs.tumblr.com/

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  9. Sometimes we will have days where will slip up and it seems like we have fallen backwards and we have totally ruined our progress. But what makes us stronger is when we get back up on our feet, and start over strong. We realize that we have messed up, but we forgive ourselves and we move on so we can try again to do and be better. it's perfectly okay! don't hate yourself! everything will be okay! don't let that one slip up take away from those many months of progression! you still can do it!

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  10. Aw sweet pea. I did the same thing too after 7 months free. You have a lifelong partner to support you through this, so please keep being so open about this. I know this is rough, but we can do this. We both can. I'm sending you my love. Xo

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  11. What got me through my severe, 3 year eating disorder was prayer and reading God's Word. I studied verses on bondage, freedom and power in Christ. I have been free for 4 years now, completely free. I have never looked back. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

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  12. Hello. I haven't been through exactly what your going through as far as Ed, but I have had my own struggles. I've found it helpful to stop counting the days/weeks/months/years etc. For me I couldn't leave the past in the past if I was always counting how long since... Not counting takes the stress off.

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    1. That is wonderful advice!!!

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  13. Hi :) I hope you are doing okay. I saw some interesting literature that made me think of you, recently. Evidence for the role of EPHX2 gene variants in anorexia nervosa (Zeeland et al. 2013) and The Genetics of Anorexia Nervosa (Bulik et al. 2007). It's basically recent genetic research linking a number of genes, some, as you might expect, in the brain that influence how you feel and behave emotionally, but also some in your body that do things like process cholesterol products(?!). They estimated that AN is about 56% genetic. So I just wanted to pass on the articles, since you have been saying that you have no idea why you started engaging in behaviors again. Some of your struggles may be very real physical struggles with a disorder of any number of proteins in your body. It's probably not just choices that you're making. Being sick is not your fault.

    I hope you can eat and keep your food all the time again soon, even though your body is making it hard. Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way. If you can't access the full articles, let me know, I could email them to you if you are interested.

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  14. It has been a long time since you have posted...I really hope that you are ok:( You have been so inspiring here and on youtube...whether you are doing well or not. Your honesty and transparency helps us all.

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  15. Most of the time people really dont know What is Eating Disorder is. That is why unknowingly they suffered to this illness. One factor that affects people psychologically is the media.

    regards,
    J.

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  16. I feel like my daughter may be struggling with this. She is constantly in the bathroom and eats very little. Is there a way that I can lovingly confront her and "let her out" of her struggles? I want to help her become free from this eating disorder. I don't want to push to hard though.
    http://focustreatmentcenters.com/treatment-centers/memphis/

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  17. I understand what you mean when you say that it can be easier to keep your thoughts in your head than it is to share them. I thank you, however, for sharing your thoughts. For a few months now, my younger sister has had trouble with an eating disorder, and I think this blog could be really helpful for her. She feels so alone in her eating disorder treatment​, and it will be comforting for her to read your thoughts. http://focustreatmentcenters.com/treatment-centers/chattanooga/residential-eating-disorder-treatment/

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