Confused

The message I've gotten from people over and over in my life is that I shouldn't be feeling what I'm feeling. When I tried to tell people about being sexually abused at 14, the message I recieved was it wasn't a big deal, I'm silly for feeling used and dirty. People wouldn't of said those things if I wasn't so embarrassed by what happened, that I didn't explain it well and left out pretty much all the details.

It was the inability to communicate hindering me, but I wasn't aware of that at the time. I thought I explained it well enough and I was stupid for feeling hurt. I'd like to think my communication skills have at least improved slightly. But yet again, I'm getting the same message: You're feelings aren't justified, you're wrong for feeling hurt.

What am I supposed to do with my feelings then? When I was 14, I used my eating disorder and cutting and pills to deal with feelings I thought weren't supposed to be expressed. In fact, those are the first coping mechanisms I usually run to when I need to deal with negative feelings.

I thought the right answer was to express my feelings in a gentle, upfront way. Apparently I went wrong somewhere. Yet again, the message I got was I shouldn't be feeling hurt and it's not okay to express it because what I'm feeling is WRONG.

I don't know what to do. I've tried doing it the "healthy" way, but it seemed to make things worse. The only thing I have left is eating disordered behaviour, cutting and pills. Primarily my ED, since it's what I'm struggling with the most lately.

I'm wrong. I'm stupid. It's my fault. Something is wrong with me. I'm unloveable. I'm defective. I'm not acceptable. I'm alone. People's friendship with me is charity. All I can trust is ED. He'll never let me down.

And the voices refuse to be silent.