Saturday, August 11, 2012

The Race

I really should make a video about the last two much has happened and I've a lot to talk about. However, finding the time to get away and make a proper video is elusive. Family is in town and I rarely have a moment to myself. It's only now everyone is asleep in their beds that I can find time to write these words. I feel compelled to write. There's so many things I need to process but who can I tell my innermost thoughts? Though I'm surrounded by people I love, I am alone in my head and no one near me is fit to see this mess inside.

Today is what's foremost on my mind. I got up at 4am, which isn't exactly normal for a Saturday morning, and got geared up for a triathlon. My uncle is injured and my mom hasn't been training enough to feel comfortable doing an olympic distance triathlon. The solution was my 17year old cousin would be doing the race for my uncle, and my mom, aunt and I would do the triathlon relay style. I only found out about this two weeks ago and started running again but I'm not exactly in tip top shape so I was a bit worried about my performance.

My aunt did the swim. We waited and waited for a purple cap, black and neon green wetsuit to appear. She was literally the last person out of the water. I felt bad for my aunt. She hasn't swam since her last triathlon THREE YEARS AGO. Furthermore, her time wasn't bad- it was what she expected. Unfortunately, the bar was raised high this year and it seemed only the professionals showed up instead of an additional group of NORMAL PEOPLE who aren't exercise addicts with six packs.

My mom made up a bit of time on the bike portion of the race. We were only second to dead last by the time I began my run.

I've never raced before and I had injured my foot a few days ago, so I reserved my energy and took an easy pace. Within the first mile, I passed an older man. I felt sort of bad about the fact I was secretly rejoicing inside- I wasn't going to cross the finish line last!!! There were at least two people behind me! Each mile I passed more and more people. My foot didn't hurt anymore- probably because of the adrenaline. I felt good. I picked up the pace and passed more people. Crossing the finish line was one of the greatest feelings ever! Especially knowing we weren't last and I had been able to get us ahead of around 30 people. My time didn't suck too much either though it could have been better if I trained.

I felt good at something, and if not good, capable.

Underneath all this happiness is self-doubt and fear. I am not okay inside. I've been eating much more than usual the past couple of days to the point of being uncomfortably full. This feeling triggered a more destructive feeling of self-hatred. I couldn't believe myself. How could I have let myself go? How could I have eaten so much? I have to repeat over and over again my mantra,"It's okay. It'll be okay." I don't want this to ruin such happiness. I can't let it!


  1. I know what you mean. I've been recovering well lately since my mum came over to live with me for a while (I basically live alone abroad from my family), but sometimes I feel like I've let myself go and allowed myself to eat too much. The fear that I will get FAT prevails and takes me over. I know that I am still underweight, but I don't want to have a normal range BMI (although I do not want to have episodes...). Like you said, I just want to b happy...hope we both find a way to be comfortable and be happy with where we are and what we are today.

  2. Congratulations on the race! Just think that you may have been able to do as well as you did because you gave your body enough fuel. I look back with regret at how I used to race in high school with an eating disorder, because I could have been so much faster if I'd been eating more. Whenever I go through phases like you where I feel I'm stuck eating more than I feel ok with, I hold on to the faith that things will even out soon enough. We can't get angry at ourselves over food-- our bodies are only doing the best they can. Your eating disorder may tell you you're letting go, but in reality it sounds as though you're taking a new hold on life.

  3. So pleased to find you have a blog! Just followed you as per my comment on one of your YouTube videos, which I've been watching for a while, now, and find inspiring for their openness and honesty and commitment.

    Looking forward to reading more from you...and congratulations on the race! Such an achievement. Amazing what our bodies are capable of when we give them the chance.

  4. Good job with the race!! Ive always wanted to do a race or something like that... im planning to run a 5k or 10k soon!! haha, im a bit of runnning addict!! i love it!! :)
    Dont worry about eating more, you've most probably been training more, and when you train & exercise, your body wants more energy to replace what you've used. Its normal.
    Just keep strong, dont listen to the voice. If you feel hungry, its ok to eat... just dont let it become a boredom thing, or binging.....
    And like you said, dont let it ruin your happiness!! Be proud of yourself :)
    You're amazing!

  5. I just have the utmost respect for you <3

  6. A bit late to this par-tay, but great job on running the triathalon! I agree with Izzy, your hunger cues could be stronger and more frequent due to the increased exercise you've been engaging in lately. But even if it's not, even if you are going through a "freak hunger phase" (as I usually call mine when I get like that), it has nothing to do with your self-worth. If you're legitimately hungry, you should eat. You're feeling hungry for a reason, you're body wants food and there's no shame or disgrace in honoring that request! I mean...your body just carried you through a triathalon! That's pretty freaking amazing if you ask me! So ED can just shut up because it WILL be okay, your appetite will level back out in time. You just have to remind yourself that even when you're months into recovery, the healing process of the body is STILL going to be measured by ebbs and floods in appetite and hunger cues. Don't let it freak you out; just get on your recovery surf board and ride those indecisive waves as they rise and fall until you finally find yourself safe on the shore one day, lying free in the sand and basking in the sun, finally able to feel it's warmth. It'll happen eventually, just keep your eye on the prize :) Much love and many prayers <3