Friday, August 3, 2012

The Dating Dilemma

I've felt restless in my mind the past two days. It's like getting bills in the mail and, knowing it's a bill, put off opening it. When I procrastinate thinking through the rough stuff, I end up using my eating disorder to distract myself from the fact everything isn't perfect and happy in my head.

I've been doing well actually- Thursday was Day 7 of no behaviors. Well, it would have been Day 7. I purged dinner twice. It took everything in me not to beat myself up. Instead of thinking it through about WHY I had those behaviors, I decided to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. Today I had behaviors again. I can't ignore it anymore. Time to face the truth.

I was physically vulnerable. I've been working out hard the past week, doing something active every day. My body isn't used to this much activity and I know I'm not giving it enough fuel. For some reason, it's difficult to get enough calories in when I'm this active. Some people get hungry when they work out more, but I lose my appetite.

I was mentally vulnerable. I was planning on going to an ED support group Thursday night but at the last minute bowed out. I wish I would have gone because it helped so much last week and I needed the support. Instead I went home and purged.

I was spiritually vulnerable. I wasn't doing my devotions or praying and these things really help to center me. When I'm close with God I'm more aware of what's really important in life and I'm better able to resist using behaviors to deal with negative feelings.

On top of that, I got a message from a friend who asked me how I felt about being set up with someone. Literally five minutes before I got this message, I saw a guy and thought to myself that I really need to at least TRY to go on a date (considering I've never been). So I told her hey, why not? This guy messaged me and asked me to coffee or drinks...there's a reason WHY I've never dated in my 23 years. I don't exactly know what that reason is, but I DO know it must be a good one because I've always been too scared to date. It's not that I haven't been asked out, I just bow out at the last second. When I was living in England, the guys considered me a "player" because I would really like a guy, get to know him as friends, and then he'd start liking me romantically. That shut me down, and I would drop them if they even hinted towards romance. I WANTED romance, but at the same time was so frightened about intimacy.

It took me 73 minutes to respond to this guys short little message. I mostly just stared at the screen. I have no idea how to act around guys when they're actually interested in me romantically. When I'm friends with a guy, I brutally honest and myself at all times. I don't care what they think. I'll talk about PMSing and if they can't handle that, then whatever. I think my guys friends appreciate that about me but it isn't exactly something you talk about on a date or in a romantic relationship. And then I had to facebook stalk myself to see what preconceived ideas he'll have about me when we get together.

I ended up purging during this whole affair and afterwards. Oh man, this reminds me of another time I ended up going to a movie with a guy. It was supposed to be a group of six of us but everyone backed out at the last minute. I was so stressed about being alone in the theater with this guy I knew was interested in me, that I ended up bingeing and purging during the entire movie AND afterwards. Painful. Very very painful.

What is it about dating that scares the heck out of me???!

13 comments:

  1. I understand. I have never been on a date. I am very afraid of intimacy and romance myself, not sure why or what I am afraid of. If any guy even talks to me, I back away. Yet I would eventually like a boyfriend.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  2. awww, hun. First of all, I would say don't force yourself into a relationship with a man. Many people think that's a major goal in life, to find a spouse, and that's simply not the case at all. In actuality, God should come before any spousal relationship. And Saul/Paul said there's nothing wrong with being single, for you can devote your energy into the Lord, then.
    Which transitions over to the next subject...bathe yourself in God's word. The time you don't really want to is the time that you NEED to. I am speaking from experience. There have been days I don't want to go to Bible study because I am so wrapped up in my depression or anxiety, but those are the days I force myself to go. And those are the days I get the most out of my study.
    Think of Ephesians and the armor of God. One of the pieces of the armor is the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God. What does the sword do? It kills evil. What does the word of God do? It kills evil. The word of God is TRUTH. The other negative thoughts in your head are LIES. Satan captures us through those lies of negative self-worth.
    I am basing all of the advice from a Bible study I'm currently in. I'm almost halfway through, and I don't like it. After each Bible study I'm stressed and worn out emotionally. It's not easy, but I feel redemption within me. I feel freedom. I feel the ability to break free from my selfish desires. I've even been able to resist temptation recently because during the episode of temptation I had God's word wrapping itself around me, protecting me from negative thoughts. It gives me goosebumps to even think about that night.
    You are a beautiful young woman. You have a wonderful heart and an amazing spirit within you. Be strong and fight.

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  3. tracy.rose@healthline.comAugust 6, 2012 at 12:21 PM

    Hi Rae,

    Healthline editors recently published the final list of their favorite Eating Disorders blogs and your blog made the list. You can find the complete list at: http://www.healthline.com/health-slideshow/best-eating-disorders-blogs (in no particular order). We encourage you to share your status as one of the best blogs on the web with your friends, family, & followers.

    We also created a set of badges you can easily embed on your site & anywhere else you see fit:

    http://www.healthline.com/health/eating-disorders-badges

    Please let me know if you have any questions.

    Congrats & continue the great work!

    Warm Regards,
    Tracy

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Tracy! i just recently saw this post. So happy I can positively make a difference in people's lives who also struggle with an eating disorder or know someone who does.

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  4. Ugh, I deal with the same thing. The intimacy and being afraid of being in a relationship. Like you, I'm not really sure why. I think I'm just afraid of someone hurting me after we brake up. I can only kiss someone but that would be it I guess? :/ Anyways, you are no way alone. <3

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  5. I'm exactly the same, totally can't handle dating. But then, I can't see the point of going on a date if it makes me freak out, because how am I supposed to develop a loving relationship with someone I can't even have a meal with? I think the best relationships are those that develop out of friendship anyway - after all, what is romance without friendship? - so don't be hard on yourself. If you don't feel comfortable with someone, whatever the reason, then forcing romance isn't going to help either of you. You're allowed to be 23 and never have had a boyfriend! I'd rather say "I'm 23 (which I am, also :)) and have never had a boyfriend" than "yeah I've had a few but I was only doing it out of feeling obligated and like a loser so it ended messily"....see what I mean? If you really like this guy, go for it. But be very, very careful about your motives, for your own sake as well as his! Yeah I know, dating advice from a random blogger, we lovez it. Sorry haha xD xxxxxx

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  6. By the way, I'm not extremely computer savvy, so I'm a little confused. I'm heeheeminnie from youtube, and you wanted me to message here? so you can add me on facebook to see vacation pics? How does that work? LOL keep me updated. Thanks

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    Replies
    1. email me at raganmae@gmail.com and I'll send a message your way with my full name so we can be friends on fb ;)

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  7. Hi Rae! I saw your youtube video on your first date. Congrats! I'd like to post it on my site, htt://31datesin31days.com and would love to chitchat with you too if you're cool with it. Feel free to email me at 31datesin31days(at)gmail.com. Congrats on surviving Date #1!!! :) -tam

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    Replies
    1. Apparently I've been missing some comments so I just read this! Yes, you can def post it on your site. No problem :)

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  8. Personally I know that I freak out partly due to social anxiety due to the different roles in a date but also because of abuse. I mean ultimately dating puts you in a very vulnerable position even if there is NO similarity between abuser and potential-boyfriend. x

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  9. tracy.rose@healthline.comSeptember 11, 2012 at 1:43 PM

    Hi Rae,

    Healthline recently finished researching the best eating disorder Apps for and we were wondering if you would consider sharing the link with your network of followers. You can find the complete list at: http://www.healthline.com/health-slideshow/top-eating-disorder-iphone-android-apps

    Thank you in advance for your consideration.

    Warm Regards,
    Tracy

    ReplyDelete
  10. tracy.rose@healthline.comNovember 17, 2012 at 5:15 PM

    Hi Rae,

    Healthline recently finished putting together a collection of the best online eating disorders videos. You can find it a: http://www.healthline.com/health-slideshow/best-videos-eating-disorders

    We encourage you to share the list with friends, followers, and subscribers.

    Thank you in advance for your consideration.

    Warm Regards,
    Tracy

    ReplyDelete