I've felt restless in my mind the past two days. It's like getting bills in the mail and, knowing it's a bill, put off opening it. When I procrastinate thinking through the rough stuff, I end up using my eating disorder to distract myself from the fact everything isn't perfect and happy in my head.
I've been doing well actually- Thursday was Day 7 of no behaviors. Well, it would have been Day 7. I purged dinner twice. It took everything in me not to beat myself up. Instead of thinking it through about WHY I had those behaviors, I decided to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. Today I had behaviors again. I can't ignore it anymore. Time to face the truth.
I was physically vulnerable. I've been working out hard the past week, doing something active every day. My body isn't used to this much activity and I know I'm not giving it enough fuel. For some reason, it's difficult to get enough calories in when I'm this active. Some people get hungry when they work out more, but I lose my appetite.
I was mentally vulnerable. I was planning on going to an ED support group Thursday night but at the last minute bowed out. I wish I would have gone because it helped so much last week and I needed the support. Instead I went home and purged.
I was spiritually vulnerable. I wasn't doing my devotions or praying and these things really help to center me. When I'm close with God I'm more aware of what's really important in life and I'm better able to resist using behaviors to deal with negative feelings.
On top of that, I got a message from a friend who asked me how I felt about being set up with someone. Literally five minutes before I got this message, I saw a guy and thought to myself that I really need to at least TRY to go on a date (considering I've never been). So I told her hey, why not? This guy messaged me and asked me to coffee or drinks...there's a reason WHY I've never dated in my 23 years. I don't exactly know what that reason is, but I DO know it must be a good one because I've always been too scared to date. It's not that I haven't been asked out, I just bow out at the last second. When I was living in England, the guys considered me a "player" because I would really like a guy, get to know him as friends, and then he'd start liking me romantically. That shut me down, and I would drop them if they even hinted towards romance. I WANTED romance, but at the same time was so frightened about intimacy.
It took me 73 minutes to respond to this guys short little message. I mostly just stared at the screen. I have no idea how to act around guys when they're actually interested in me romantically. When I'm friends with a guy, I brutally honest and myself at all times. I don't care what they think. I'll talk about PMSing and if they can't handle that, then whatever. I think my guys friends appreciate that about me but it isn't exactly something you talk about on a date or in a romantic relationship. And then I had to facebook stalk myself to see what preconceived ideas he'll have about me when we get together.
I ended up purging during this whole affair and afterwards. Oh man, this reminds me of another time I ended up going to a movie with a guy. It was supposed to be a group of six of us but everyone backed out at the last minute. I was so stressed about being alone in the theater with this guy I knew was interested in me, that I ended up bingeing and purging during the entire movie AND afterwards. Painful. Very very painful.
What is it about dating that scares the heck out of me???!