Monday, August 20, 2012

Volume On Mute

My feelings are muted. I know they're there, but they are not sending me into a panic. The usual frenzy of thoughts and feelings colliding with one another like one mine setting off the rest isn't happening. It should be, it would be, if not for the anti-depression meds. I don't know whether to feel comforted or worried about that fact. It means the prozac is working, right?
The only problem is part of me WANTS to feel that depth of emotion, despite how destructive my coping mechanisms for dealing with such extreme feelings can be. I'm still blown away by the realization that I WANT to feel the depression. Who says that? Who, in their right mind, misses it?


  1. I miss it too. I think it's fairly common to feel that way. When you've been feeling depressed for so long, it's what you know, it's familiar. Even though it's shitty, it's not foreign like the alternative. And, at least for me, I respond to both the depression AND the other, non-depressive feelings in the same way, because it's what I've been doing for so long that I don't know how else to deal with them. Especially when I really have no clue WHAT the non-depression feelings are. I just know what they aren't and I know that I can't "deal" with them, so I use the ED to drown it all out.

  2. Sometimes I feel that there is nothing else in life but my ED. If I don't have it I will have nothing, be nothing, feel nothing. I feel empty even though I hate it so much.
    I have found that what has released that pressure the most is finding something to fill myself with. I have been painting, reading, writing, drawing, I am hoping to get up the courage and go to circus school like I have been quietly dreaming about. So quietly it has been pretty much subconscious, untill now!
    I am trying to fill myself with the life and experiences that I truly want and letting this poison eating disorder seep out of me, as there will simply not be enough room inside me for it to stay in it's overpowering state. I don't expect it to ever be gone, but I do think that everyday I can work on diluting the poison enough so that I can FEEL that I truly have a purpose here.
    All the best <3

  3. Here's where you hear the amazing line that you would not think is true. "It's normal". I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, but I'll try. When I started taking anti-depressants, I got the same feeling. My emotions are under control and I'm on cloud nine. A bad situation arises, and I know deep down inside what I am used to...the depression. The crazy mental state that would 'save' me from the crisis. Eventually, you will be able to learn how to cope with these bad situations without relying on depression and bad behaviors. It's like your mind has opened up and you're able to see things from a new perspective and learn how to react in a whole new way, but right now it's so foreign to you.
    A little insight on myself...I often get my bad episodes after talking with my dad. Sad, but true, despite our loving relationship. In the past that would send me into a total panic state and I would spiral downhill. Last Saturday, I had a bad conversation with my dad, but I handled it fairly well. I was assertive, yet as gentle as possible with my words. When I got off the phone, I cried, but I did not have my anxiety take over, and I didn't need to use my as-needed-anxiety pills! I was able to acknowledge what I truly felt inside and work through it!
    You can do that, too. It takes a lot of work, but therapy will help you through it. This is a learning process, and you seem to be a woman who likes to learn things...
    You can do it.

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  6. Are you numbed from all emotion? I used to be on meds that numbed my mind completely. Numbed every emotion, both the good and the bad. It got to the point where I could not feel happiness, excitement, or even love(not even that "meh" feeling!).

    I could not take it anymore, so I went to my doctor and we ended up changing my meds. As a result, I was able to feel again (and the depression stayed lifted). I do feel sad at times, but it's more than bearable and I can always see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    I am not an expert or anything... Just wondering about the numbness. I do however understand what you mean by the void. I lived with depression for so long, that it kind of became my friend (in a non-psychotic way). I believed it to be the source of my creativity. I thought that without it, my poetry and writing would suffer... But now I am more creative than ever. Not only do I have the mental energy to come up with a thousand more ideas, but I have the physical energy to put them into action.

    *This will be the last time I edit my comment... forgot to spellcheck! lol*

  7. This is exactly why I refuse meds, I know and understand this isn't for everyone but I want to be in control of how I feel, up or down..if its there I'll feel it and deal with it. Sometimes it's horrific but I know it will pass
    Stay stong Hun xx

  8. I have never had meds, but my mom has and she describes herself in a normal state (she has bipolar, btw) on a scale of 1-10 "a SEVENTEEN!" and though she HATES hurting the way she does,seven levels higher than other peoples' max, she hates her meds too, because SEVENTEEN is the way she's always been. Like the meds take her away, and she's left this shell of non-her...that's the way she describes it anyway.

    I've been following your videos for about a week now, and I really enjoy them, I really love your insight and how REAL you are. Seriously, so many people on youtube refuse to admit the binging exists.

    I know it's oldschool, but if you happen to have a xanga, my username is RawrYouDo.

  9. This is why I don't take meds. I used my ED to numb the emotions but numbing the emotions is not the answer. I need to be able to feel my emotions. I need to learn how to deal with my emotions, feel them and cope this them in a healthy way. Meds just numb my emotions and to be perfectly honest if I'm going to numb my emotions then I'd rather use ED behaviours. I'm slowly learning to cope with my emotions and I'm able to feel much stronger emotions without acting out on behaviours or using meds. I know this approach isn't for everyone but it might be something to think about. I'm not perfect but I feel emotions, I feel and more importantly I feel like ME!

  10. Oh my word, I'm so where you are in that respect. I'm not on Prozac but a pretty high dose of another anti-depressant and I'm constantly feel like a vegetised robot (that's the only way I could describe how I felt) but your description is so much more accurate of how it is.
    On the one hand it's a good thing that the meds are tackling the depression/anxiety/panic but, like you said, I know that the feelings are still there, lurking in me like a caged animal that's just been sedated and I'm scared that if I ever try to come off the meds after a while thinking I could handle it that all of those feelings will surface as strong as before and that scares me to death. A part of me wants to feel them again, just so I have more control over them I suppose.
    I agree with Veronica in some way about the ED behaviours - I'm still trying to decide whether or not I'd rather use them in order to control how I'm feeling instead of the drugs. I still have those behaviours on the meds so what's the point of "caging the animal" any longer - it's only going to make it more angry and come back with a vengence.
    Much love and best wishes

  11. I should add the of course the eventual goal is to be able to feel the feelings without needing to use behaviours!

  12. I've been struggling with an eating disorder, major depression and an anxiety disorder for about 11 years- since I was 15. I've tried therapy but my doctors have always ended up letting me down. I've had a really really tough time this past few months and my parents and boyfriend have been trying to convince me to try medication (I never have in the past as I'm TERRIFIED of the possible weight gain). At this point I think I need to try something as things are getting pretty desperate and I've virtually stopped living (I'm repeating my last year of school and am stuck in a pretty relentless cycle of seclusion and self sabotage because I'm mentally incapable of breaking out of it) but I'm so so scared to try meds (on top of my other concerns) because of the reason you mention. I'm not sure that I want to simply mute my depression, I cant help but wonder if thats really a solution. I'm so terrified to implement change when I feel like I've been surviving (barely) this way for so long. You seem to be such an incredibly strong and honest person, I wanted to ask your opinion after reading this post- do you think medication is worth trying? I mean, obviously you've chosen that as part of your treatment but was it hard for you to do so in the beginning? I suppose I just need some assurance or some advice from someone that has had a similar experience to me as to whether or not going on medication is actually going to change anything. I've promised to go see my GP with my boyfriend next week but I'm still so 'up in my own head' about the whole thing.

    Anyways, thank-you so much for writing this blog and for posting your videos on youtube. It's so brave of you to share your struggles and it's so reassuring to know I'm not alone in this, if that makes sense. You should be so proud of how far you've come and of the person you are- you're very inspiring. I hope you're doing OK.