Wednesday, September 5, 2012

B without the P

I just had a binge. I was already full from the lunch I had a few hours prior, but when I got home I had peach pie my mom made anyway. Then I had a real peach...some more peach pie, a bagel, and some crisps. By the time I got to the second piece of pie, I had already decided to purge. 

I haven't purged. This is difficult. I want to purge but I don't want to be in the cycle of purging. I can tell myself, just this once, but I know I can't even give in just ONCE. That's not how it works. So I'm sitting here on my bed, feeling incredibly full and uncomfortable, and distracting myself by blogging here. 

Now that I think about it, I know why I wanted to binge and purge. It wasn't out of ravenous hunger. It was an emotional reason- I'm meeting Ryan for coffee in a couple of hours. It's easier for me to run away and every cell in my body is screaming it. I suppose it was a way to deal with those uncomfortable feelings. 

Just thought I'd check in. I'm doing well otherwise. I haven't had any behaviors in 7 days. I did have a regretful night I'm so ashamed about, I won't even write about it here. I've only told Andi and that's the only person who is ever going to know. I feel horrible about it and just want to forget.


  1. I completely understand that feeling, I'm trying to recover now but it's so difficult to change that pattern, I think if nobody had found out about it I would never had realised I even had a problem in the first place.
    Reading your blog you seem to be doing really well, hopefully I can be as strong as you eventually.

    I've started a blog too if you're interested in checking it out or giving me any advice on how you've got through it all.

  2. oh bless, forgiveness is such a great thing especially for ones own self. <3 my thoughts and prayers to ya

  3. I'm guilty of doing this, too. I feel your pain and understand. Forgive yourself, it'll be alright.<3

  4. Hi. That feeling is just like hell. Did you manage not to purge? How did you feel the rest of the day? Good luck !!

  5. I totally understand that cycle, its so easy to say just once, but it never is your right. whenever i slip i try to avoid solids, im scared to eat just because im scared of the need to purge feeling and not being strong enough to say no. Stay Strong <3

  6. I've never purged,but i binge ALL THE TIME. and i hate it, I'm usually already full but food it always on my mind. I usually don't eat much during the day and then at night pig out. But it get worse, i even wake upin the middle of the night and go upstairs and eat! I don't know hot to stop, and no one knows about it but i kinda wish they did because then maybe they could help. I used to be anorexic...but now its the complete opposite. I'm always so uncomfortable, and i just need someone to help me stop because i can't do it alone. I can't.